OT: Relationship Advice Thread

Discussion in 'New York Rangers' started by Loki Dog 74, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. kovazub94 Enigmatic Sponsor

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    1. The One is someone you can connect on emotional level - the person you first want the share either a great news or a bad one. One that you want to become the best version of yourself for. Someone whom you care about not hurting or giving joy even if it will cause you some personal sacrifice - effort, time, money etc
    2. Crazy lust is something that goes away eventually. Love (and desire) stays.
    3. One can't help notice attraction. One CAN help not acting upon / throwing these thoughts out after realizing what's on a line. Does a few minutes of pleasure worth a risk of hurting someone you care about? Keeping this secrete? Losing the love one altogether?
     
  2. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    So I learned quite a few lessons this weekend. I got my feedback from the last girl I went out with on the matchmaking service.

    Lesson 1: I got into my head that a story I told her could have been off-putting. The story was about being in Morocco and our driver getting drunk and almost crashing us and then one of the people in the car saying "Mohammed let me drive". Then after silence the guy was like "my name is not Mohammed, my name is Moha, Mohammed is an Arabic name, I hate Arabs". The guy was a berber, and I guess they see Arabs as conquerers and oppressors. I always found that story amusing and interesting. Well at some point I thought "what if she took it as racist?" Then my friend said she might think it was too bro-ey. It really bothered me because I'm neither of those things and I'm definitely no bro-ey. I couldn't believe I might be getting rejected for something I'm the furthest thing from. I was pretty depressed for a day and actually lost sleep. This girl might have been my favorite from the 14 in the service and I thought I blew it by coming off as someone I wasn't.

    Then I got my feedback yesterday... She said nothing about the story. I worried about nothing.

    Lesson 2: Our perceptions are so different from other people. It's actually incredibly upsetting. I have absolutely no control over how I can be perceived and even at my best the perception of me can be WILDLY off. Her feedback was so different from my own perceptions that it had me wondering if we were on the same date. Here was her feedback:

    1) I wasn't ambitious enough - this was such a crazy statement. I have an MBA from a good school and a job that although underpays sounds fancy. Maybe I wasn't super effusive in praise of the job, but I didn't talk it down either. She asked me how I went from marketing to finance and I didn't give her spiel that I've always wanted to do finance and it was my dream job. I actually like what I do, but the real reason is my friend interviewed for it, it wasn't a fit, and then recommended me for it. It was a very practical reason. But I like what I do and recruited for it during my MBA. I didn't tell her that, but me not talking about it in some flowery language doesn't make me not ambitious. I talked about it for 5 minutes and she someone made a judgment call of something somewhat deep in those 5 minutes? It might have been a mistake to not be more passionate considering I actually like my job and want to keep it as a career, but once again I don't think I undersold it or something, I guess the worst was me saying that I didn't have much to do and the date was the highlight of my day (non-sarcastically). God forbid I have some down time during the holidays and I compliment her on being excited about the date.

    In addition, I went on dates with 13 other girls, half the girls if not more had ivy league degrees, they all had good jobs, I only got career criticism once but that's because I stupidly admitted that I made less than I hoped. In fact, just a few days before I went on a date with a girl with a Yale MBA who at one point work for the Harvard for Management Consulting, McKinsey, and her feedback was "I appreciate his job".

    2) She felt like it was an interview. I'm not sure if she meant that she felt interrogated or if we talked about work too much. But the latter happens on all first dates and the former I got the opposite take. I felt like we went deeply into career, travels and we both asked interesting probing questions, that's why I liked her. Towards the end it became a bit more interviewee in part because the energy went down and she didn't participate as much, in part because of me, but Jesus if 15 minutes out of an hour make you feel like an interview, I don't know what to say.

    3) She felt I was too shy. This is the one that floored me. I'm an ambivert and in certain situations get a bit shy. But when I'm comfortable I don't shut up and have been told I talk too much, in fact I've tried to rein that in during dates. I was comfortable, I don't know who she was expecting but the conversation felt like it flowed from the beginning and I felt comfortable from the beginning, I even felt like maybe I talked too much.

    I'm telling you, I felt like we were on different dates.
     
  3. Uninstaaled Nolan Ryan Takes the Penalty - Sam Rosen Sponsor

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    Its entirely possible that she saw things in a light that probably wasn't realistic ( we all do) but perception is reality unfortunately. That isn't a shot at you and she very well may be insane, but it is what it is.

    I can't speak to #1 or #3, especially 1 which seems to be a reallllly weird criticism to levy against someone based off of such a short conversation but there may be more truth to #2 than you realize. Even if the questions beyond the typical work/travel stuff were interesting in your mind, they may still come across as a bit interrogation-y. In my experience when a first date goes well, it becomes less question ask-y and more just a free form conversation that takes its own course. If convo died out that quickly, can you honestly say that you were that into her?
     
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  4. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Well, that's what's weird about #2. I was really into her and our career/travel conversation was great. At some point we just kind of didn't have much else to talk about in those two areas. So I went on my next thing which was hobbies. I probably should have asked more broad questions, in hindsight I don't remember exactly but I think it might have been a "what kind of books do you read" rather than "what are your hobbies" which is more of an open ended question. That was probably my bad. I think I may not be as good of a conversationalist as I thought. Or I got worse at it, I used get good feedback in that direction. But anyway, I don't know why but when we got into hobbies, the energy changed and there wasn't that back and forth. I don't know why. But the first 3/4 of the date was VERY free flowing. That's why I was so attracted to her.
     
  5. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    My feedback was almost exclusively positive about my conversation skills in the beginning and the last few, not so much. I somehow regressed from date one. It's absolutely mind blowing.
     
  6. Off Sides Registered User

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    Nothing to really add, #3 in your post just reminded me of this clip

     
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  7. NYSPORTS back afta dis. . .

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    lol - my advice is to add that question to the growing interview dating checklist "how do you feel . . . one person the rest of your life".
     
  8. New York RKY Let's Go Rangers!

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    I’ve been reading this thread for a while just trying to soak up all of the knowledge and life experiences that everyone is having.

    @SnowblindNYR and all others struggling right now I just want to say that I hope you all hang tough. I too was struggling immensely in the dating category for most of my teens and 20’s. I was struggling with depression thinking that I wasn’t good looking enough for a women to be interested in me. It seemed like the only ones that wanted anything to do with me were ones that I didn’t have any attraction to and I couldn’t figure out why.

    I tried going to bars and while that was fun it obviously never amounted to anything. I tried Tinder and Bumble and had absolutely zero luck. I tried going to different places and for as outgoing of a personality I was never able to master the craft of just striking up a conversation.

    I too was using a dating service. I sent out hundreds of messages and hardly ever got a response. To add, my messages were creative, they were never just: “Hi” or “I just saw your profile and thought you were cute” so for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

    I was on the last weekend of this dating service subscription and I already decided that I would not be renewing my subscription. This girl, who I messaged about baseball decided to message me back. Eventually I asked her to meet me at Starbucks for a quick in person meeting/date.

    When I met up with here our quick date turned into a 4 hour conversation. We talked about sports, family, work, and everything under the sun. We didn’t even realize 4 hours had gone by but I had to cut the conversation short just because I needed to leave.

    Fast forward 2.5 years later and we’ve been living together since February and just bought a house together in October. On top of that this past weekend I was at a jeweler picking out an engagement ring getting ready to propose. It’s amazing how things change in such a short amount of time. I never would have envisioned that I’d have the opportunity to do this.

    Even though we may argue I know that she has my back and she is also my best friend.

    The morale of the story is that it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. I know things are tough but there is light at the enough of the tunnel. There’s a perfect match out there for all of you and it’s just a matter of time until you find it. In the meantime just try to be happy with who you are as a person and try to experience as much as you can.
     
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  9. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Thanks for the positive story. One of the first dates I went through the service, I actually didn't think went GREAT, but she agreed to go with me to a separate bar and was the only girl to agree that. And it also went 4 hours. I later found out that I did something that is supposed to give off more than friendly vibes which is something I struggled with. I did some light appropriate touching. The feedback was one of the best I've heard from anyone she thought I was REALLY interesting and said other great stuff about me. But once again there was no "romantic connection" or something.
     
  10. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    It's funny reading the football thread, I feel like I'm the Jets fans of dating, haha. Just completely without hope and knowing that the other shoe will drop at any moment.
     
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  11. mrmovies779 The Greatest Teacher,Failure is.

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    Back in my day dating was so much simpler....guy sees a girl he likes,walks up to her-clubs her over the head and drags her back to his cave to live happily ever after.
     
  12. will1066 Registered User

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    It's a dead week at work, so I'm killing time basically and reading about your experience. Here is a couple of my own personal interpretations of your date. I would've found your Morocco story cringey. The girl might not have put it in the feedback, but it doesn't mean it wasn't recorded by her brain. Let's say she did interpret you as having been racist -- of which you are not -- she wouldn't have called you out in the feedback and risk retaliation. She doesn't know you as much as you don't know her.

    Try not to compare dates, because each one is different and each person is unique. Therefore the vibe you had with that girl was unique to that date and your other dates shouldn't have a bearing on it and vice versa.

    The use of words and the way you tell a story (storytelling) are important and can affect the other's person view of the situation. Yes, "what books do you read?" would've been too specific not open-ended enough yet "what are your hobbies?" would've been so formal-sounding as to make it seem like an interview or interrogation. I'm not saying that you need to plan a whole strategy around asking questions, but you should think ahead of how to word a question. It's like finding ways to segue the conversation so that it doesn't come off like a staccato.

    However, you do point out that 3/4 of the conversation was very free flowing. But, if she still said it felt like an interview, that you were too shy and not ambitious enough, then she didn't enjoy the conversation and she didn't feel stimulated, it appears. If the conversation resembled a Q&A session, that's problematic no matter how free-flowing it was.
     
  13. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    That might have been her perception, I don't deny it but it was completely different from mine and I don't understand why. Out of the 14 dates my perception has been off significantly only a handful of times, twice actually in the positive direction. I felt a pretty strong connection in the conversation.

    Also, it was probably not a great story to tell but to her credit she seemed to understand the context of this being a different country with their internal politics as she mentioned it herself. If someone doesn't care to think critically I can see them equating that exchange with some old racist white guy that is really upset about black guy moving next door to him. However, that's completely missing the point. It's a peak into the culture of a different country. Arabs are probably considered conquerors and oppressors by the native Moroccons (Berbers, I believe it's spelled). So to me it was always fascinating from that perspective. Was it an appropriate story to say? Maybe not. But also, I'm not going to worry about something she didn't mention in the feedback because you can play that game all day long. Maybe all of the girls who rejected me thought I was ugly and smelled bad. And there was a girl on a previous date that mentioned something I talked about making her uncomfortable (probably wasn't a great choice but I think it was overblown). I was talking about a maid cafe in Japan that I thought was interesting but even I said I thought it was weird and felt a bit uncomfortable. She said she felt uncomfortable by me talking about it. This girl could have said the same "he shared a story that made me feel uncomfortable". She didn't have to say "[SnowblindNYR] is a repulsive racist".
     
  14. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Also, I'd like to point out that this girl said I was "interesting". Not sure if she meant as a person or interesting to talk to. So I don't think she thought the conversation was all bad. It's hard to figure out what she was thinking. Maybe she thought the content of the conversation was good but not the format? I don't know.
     
  15. will1066 Registered User

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    It's hard for me and others who are advising not to sound judgmental, and at the same time it's difficult for you and others who feel they are struggling romantically not to feel defensive. For me, the Arab culture and the Japan maid cafe stories are probably a little too much as first-date tales. That being said, there's no scientific formula to all of this. You might want someone who can think critically, you might get that person, or you might get a person who doesn't want to think too hard on a first-date casual conversation. You might know all about the Arab culture but that other person just might not be into it. Or another person might totally be into it. After all that's said and done, it's simplyp about vibing with the other person. But also, it's true that if you're not blessed in the looks department, you have to work extra hard.
     
  16. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    I think both stories were riskier than needed to be for a first date. Though the maid cafe was just the thing that made the biggest impression, it was just that weird. The Moroccon story I kind of halfway through had some regrets. But all I'm saying is that it MIGHT have turned her off. But 1) She mentioned 3 other things so it probably doesn't matter. 2) I have enough real things to worry about without worrying about what if she was ACTUALLY upset and never said it. As I said you can literally do that for anything ever. I choose to not stress out about a complete hypothetical. I'll just know not to share that story because even if this girl had ZERO problems with that story, the next girls might.

    As far as looks, I think I look fine and lost a lot of weight, so now I'm fit. I'm short but these girls are vetted on that though. I don't have movie star good looks. Apparently a lot of the girls actually gave me positive feedback in the looks department though. I don't think that's it, I'm just not good looking enough where I can just show up. Very very few people are, particularly men.
     
  17. will1066 Registered User

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    I don't know what else I can offer in terms of advice then. lol But I think one thing we can agree on is not to over-analyze it and move on to the next.
     
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  18. Machinehead Increased and Improved

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    I tell the story about how I once ate my own hair because I lost a bet on a hockey forum where I'm a celebrity. It kills.
     
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  19. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    I think it all goes well until she tells you she believes in the eye test.
     
  20. Machinehead Increased and Improved

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    This is where it falls apart every time.
     
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  21. kovazub94 Enigmatic Sponsor

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    I'm stuck on the "not ambitious" comment. To me it translates as in "doesn't make enough dough for my highness' standards". If this is the case - nothing else matters because she's not going to give you honest answers - not during the date nor afterwards.
    In terms of her feeling like an interview - this is another one of the subjective perceptions and could be vastly different from person to person. Overall, what makes even a job interview a good experience is if it's a conversation rather than a monologue with both sides contributing with reactions, sharing common experiences etc.
    As far as your overseas stories - you probably just need to mention that you traveled and destinations and then just let her lead you on in terms of what she's interested in.
     
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  22. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    The thing is I'm not sure if I mentioned this since I've been posting a lot. On my first date through the program, the girl seemed to really like me, but one of only two things negative that she mentioned other than not knowing why she's not interested is that I'm "not far enough along in my career as she hopes." THAT was definitely about salary BUT I made the mistake of telling her I'm not making as much as I'd like. I never made that mistake again. My job sounds pretty good if you don't know my salary. The girl before this girl worked at McKinsey which is much more impressive than some digital media job and said in her feedback that she appreciated my job. My guess about the ambition part is that I didn't sound super passionate about it, which is not really true. I said that I didn't do have much to do the day of and the reason I got the job was that my friended recommended me because it wasn't a good fit for him. Sure you CAN extrapolate that as "it sounds like a job where there's nothing to do and he got sloppy seconds". But it could also been "this ONE day I didn't have much to do because it's Christmas time and his friend was looking for a different job so he turned this one down", that could mean he was looking for a less prestigious job. It's a complete reach to think that I'm not super passionate about the job based on that and also another stretch to think that being not super passionate means I'm not ambitious. My previous job I was absolutely miserable in and had zero passion for it, doesn't mean I wasn't ambitious and didn't want to change jobs and build my career in a different direction. And we spoke about my job for like 5 minutes. It's just A LOT of assumptions. And this is what makes this difficult. People make snap judgments on you based on very weak data that may be 5 minutes in length. VERY WEAK data. If she asked me if I liked the job, I'd say yes and tell her why. But she didn't.
     
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  23. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Also, as far as travel stories we had some good conversation about Morocco but the problem with having a "give her limited info" take on it is what happened the date before might happen. We had very dull conversation where it sounded like I was going through a checklist. THAT seemed like a job interview.
     
  24. kovazub94 Enigmatic Sponsor

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    Thanks for the context. Again, stay positive and keep (inside) “I don’t care” attitude.
     
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  25. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    I just can't fathom how some people seem to latch on to one thing said and it gets extrapolated based on no info and then you get judged based on the figment of her imagination. It feels like most women (and maybe men, I don't know) are legit going into this to find people to rule out rather than people to date. It's just maddening, I don't know how I'm supposed to date in that type of climate.
     

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