OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[SnowblindNYR]

I think the hardest thing about it is that really the best thing to do is focus on self-improvement, and building yourself into the type of person that not just women, but everyone wants to be with or around. And this is obviously something that basically every person who's ever lived struggles with and for which there isn't really a "correct" answer.

As many people have mentioned, often the most "successful" times in many of our dating/hookup/relationship lives have been when we weren't trying. When we were just acting naturally and women were naturally drawn to that. If you're at a small dinner party and there's one person there who is making everyone laugh, and telling interesting stories and charming the pants off everyone, it's natural and genetic that the women there are going to be drawn to him. It can be easy to hate or dismiss those type of guys, but the truth is, it will benefit you in the long run to try to become that guy -- even if you never get another date in your life. Because the uncomfortable truth is, that guy's life is actually probably better than yours. Why wouldn't you want to be someone who has hobbies, passions, interests? Who's seen and done cool things? Who can relate to just about anyone through depth of experience and wisdom gained from practice? Yeah, you might be the greatest guy in the world inside your own head, but if you don't actualize that during your short time on this earth, what the hell does it matter?

So much gets made about "getting the girl" when in reality just as much if not more is about "what happens next." It's not like some BS rom-com where you fall in love and live happily ever after. Honeymoon phases end. Shit happens. If you want a serious relationship with a quality person who's going to stick by you when the going gets tough (and it will, inevitably - that's life!) then YOU need to be the kind of person that's worth sticking by. And if you truly pursue and cultivate becoming that person, I swear girls will consciously and subconsciously pick up on that and want to be with you.

Everyone (these days especially) thinks they are "special" and "unique" and "deserving of love and happiness." But life doesn't actually give a shit. You need to earn it.

I tend to be some of those things and generally have found it easy to make friends, dating on the other hand is different. Also, how many truly interesting people are there? A lot fewer than those that date successfully. My goal is to be interesting and usually that's actually a strength.

Anyway, I shot my shot with a girl I had dates with on the matchmaking service if she doesn't respond and this one girl from another service doesn't give me her number (part of the mechanics of the service) I'm officially done for at least 2 weeks, maybe a month, if not more. I'm just burned out and even my previous strengths are weakening. I need to recharge.

 

[Machinehead]

I think being as natural as possible is good.

You know how many dates I've had from online dating? Zero. Why? I hate it. I Brett Howden hate it. It makes me wanna chew barbed wire. Nothing will ever work in that mindset.

I've had lots of dates, on the other hand, doing things I'm interested in in a social setting. It doesn't have to be your favorite thing. In fact, I prefer if it isn't. I never actively look for girls who like Liverpool, for example. I don't need to be in a relationship with my obsession. It's emotional overload. Besides, it kills the fun of getting know somebody different and sharing things with them. Just something you can get behind.

You guys might not know this, but I'm very environmentally conscious. I never throw plastic in the trash. It makes my skin crawl. So I volunteered for a beach cleanup one day. It's something I feel good about doing anyway, plus I love the beach and the rode the roller coaster three times after. I was having a nice time either way. I got partnered with a girl and told her this banger story about how going out of my way to recycle plastic bottles almost got me beaten up. I had a date with her and THEN I blew it. I have late-stage problems but that's for another day.

 

[Lua]

Obviously this this is a thread for dating and not heartbreak, but I just went through a devastating breakup with the only woman I've ever loved. I was completely blindsided. For a few days i've been in a polarized state that switches between soul-crushing anguish and like I'm dead inside. Last Thursday evening, I JUST got out of the shower, expecting her to come home within the hour, when I get a text saying she sent me an email. Before I even opened it, my stomach dropped, and the feeling hasn't gone away since. She loves me, but x and y and z and she can't be with me anymore.

It feels like a star exploded in my gut and left a gaping super-dense black hole that is slowly sucking all the life from me. It's an actual physical pain. I look at myself in the mirror and I can't recognize what I see.

I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed. I can't eat. I can't work. I can't even cry. I just stare at the screen and refresh HF and drink liquor and smoke cigarettes and take four showers a day. The only person I've told was my sister because she asked me when we all wanted to get together with her husband and have dinner. I told her matter-of-factly that we're not together anymore and played it off like "shit happens" but she could tell I was inconsolable.

Yesterday I packed up the last of her things and sent them to her parents house. My apartment feels empty and huge without her. The dirty dishes from our last meal together are still in the sink.

I deleted all my ways of contacting her so I don't drunk text her and say something hurtful or grovel at her feet, begging her to take me back, or to explain why she's doing this. I'm trying to take it gracefully, but I'm so hurt and confused and angry and I don't know what to do with myself to relieve myself of the ball of pain in my stomach. I want to forget that I ever knew her. I want to forget every memory with her I have. I can't turn my head in any direction without seeing something that assaults me with one of those memories.

I guess it couldn't have come at a better time with hockey coming soon to distract me. For the love of every deity man could possibly imagine, please let the Rangers hang in there as long as possible. It's the one small mercy I could ask for.

I posted this about six months ago, and thank you everyone who read and replied, especially @Loki Dog 74 for the kind words and advice and encouragement and sympathy and all that good stuff. This place is honestly more than a dumb hockey board for me; I don't post all that much but it provides a much needed sense of community and stability, and for some strange reason it's comforting seeing the same people post year after year.

It took a little while, but in these past months I've done a lot of casual running around and when I felt like I was ready and able to develop feelings for another person again, I started seeing someone new in a more serious capacity.

She ended up being a garbage human being. I won't get into it because I don't really care anymore and I'm just glad it's over. In the past, I was really lucky with avoiding relationships of any kind with these kinds of people, and it was kind of like a splash of cold water to the face to realize that there are people like her walking around, treating others like garbage, and I'm just as predisposed to the intimacy nightmares I've seen other people in my life go through, but never thought I'd actually experience. Turns out I fall for a pretty face and an eccentric personality just as much as anyone else. I knew those kinds of people existed, but that fact never sunk in until I was actually romantically involved with one. In a sense I'm glad that I had the experience from my prior relationship, because even though it didn't work out, I never felt disrespected, walked on, used, and made to feel lesser by my partner. Without it, I might not have had the guts or self respect to walk away from this new girl when I did.

So here's where I may have f***ed up. I was no contact with my ex for these past six months. After this other thing fell apart, and because I didn't really feel like whining to my usual support system because I don't want them to pity me after how much I relied on them after my first breakup, I ended up emailing her. It wasn't too long or sappy—basically just me telling her what I went through and that I appreciated her for always treating me with respect, for communicating with me healthily, and how I always felt loved and secure with her and that there are no hard feelings, that I'm doing well, hope she and her family are well and healthy, etc. etc. etc.

She ended up emailing me back, and we reconnected a bit. We decided to meet up at one of our old favorite used book stores and shoot photos around town (we're both hobbyist photographers). We were having a good time so we had some drinks and food at a tavern we liked. We hugged and went our separate ways, but we still talked a bit.

Last weekend however, we went to shoot at an abandoned sanatorium in Connecticut. Then we went back to my place, had some drinks, then a lot of drinks, and.... yeah. Things were said, we ended up in bed, then stayed there for pretty much the whole weekend.

We got takeout at our favorite deli near my apartment, played Doki Doki Literature Club (another thing we loved back then) and reminisced.

I'm treading very delicately because logically I know this is probably not healthy, but my heart just wants it so f***ing badly. After she went home, we had a very serious conversation about expectations and boundaries, and I basically told her that I was OK right now and that I really want to continue hanging out and shooting together and, yes, the physical stuff too, but I can't promise that I will stay OK with that, and that we can play it by ear for now.

She said she really missed me and likes having me back in her life and that we can keep it light and fun and see where things go without any pressure or expectations.

Send help.

Also LGR, please stop sucking thanks

 

[CasusBelli]

I posted this about six months ago, and thank you everyone who read and replied, especially @Loki Dog 74 for the kind words and advice and encouragement and sympathy and all that good stuff. This place is honestly more than a dumb hockey board for me; I don't post all that much but it provides a much needed sense of community and stability, and for some strange reason it's comforting seeing the same people post year after year.

It took a little while, but in these past months I've done a lot of casual running around and when I felt like I was ready and able to develop feelings for another person again, I started seeing someone new in a more serious capacity.

She ended up being a garbage human being. I won't get into it because I don't really care anymore and I'm just glad it's over. In the past, I was really lucky with avoiding relationships of any kind with these kinds of people, and it was kind of like a splash of cold water to the face to realize that there are people like her walking around, treating others like garbage, and I'm just as predisposed to the intimacy nightmares I've seen other people in my life go through, but never thought I'd actually experience. Turns out I fall for a pretty face and an eccentric personality just as much as anyone else. I knew those kinds of people existed, but that fact never sunk in until I was actually romantically involved with one. In a sense I'm glad that I had the experience from my prior relationship, because even though it didn't work out, I never felt disrespected, walked on, used, and made to feel lesser by my partner. Without it, I might not have had the guts or self respect to walk away from this new girl when I did.

So here's where I may have f***ed up. I was no contact with my ex for these past six months. After this other thing fell apart, and because I didn't really feel like whining to my usual support system because I don't want them to pity me after how much I relied on them after my first breakup, I ended up emailing her. It wasn't too long or sappy—basically just me telling her what I went through and that I appreciated her for always treating me with respect, for communicating with me healthily, and how I always felt loved and secure with her and that there are no hard feelings, that I'm doing well, hope she and her family are well and healthy, etc. etc. etc.

She ended up emailing me back, and we reconnected a bit. We decided to meet up at one of our old favorite used book stores and shoot photos around town (we're both hobbyist photographers). We were having a good time so we had some drinks and food at a tavern we liked. We hugged and went our separate ways, but we still talked a bit.

Last weekend however, we went to shoot at an abandoned sanatorium in Connecticut. Then we went back to my place, had some drinks, then a lot of drinks, and.... yeah. Things were said, we ended up in bed, then stayed there for pretty much the whole weekend.

We got takeout at our favorite deli near my apartment, played Doki Doki Literature Club (another thing we loved back then) and reminisced.

I'm treading very delicately because logically I know this is probably not healthy, but my heart just wants it so f***ing badly. After she went home, we had a very serious conversation about expectations and boundaries, and I basically told her that I was OK right now and that I really want to continue hanging out and shooting together and, yes, the physical stuff too, but I can't promise that I will stay OK with that, and that we can play it by ear for now.

She said she really missed me and likes having me back in her life and that we can keep it light and fun and see where things go without any pressure or expectations.

Send help.

Also LGR, please stop sucking thanks

Thank you for sharing your experience with us and for reaching out to our community.

Be very careful. I know it’s hard, but try to recuse yourself emotionally for a minute and ask, why did this fall apart in the first place? And what has changed, either with you or with her or systematically to make this time different? Moreover, why do you “want” this? Is it the feeling it gives you? What is the trigger? What else gives you this feeling in life? And why must it come from her?

I was in a four-year relationship that ended recently. Things ended with me having to get a restraining order against her after she got violent (she always had a temper but never acted on it physically); doctor recently diagnosed me with PTSD after having constant nightmares (things like her showing up with my bones in a bag and telling me that she’s here to kill my parents, or, in the dream, I wake up to find her sitting on me with a knife to my neck, etc). So be very careful with whom you get involved. There’s a reason things don’t work out. Don’t ignore that. Remind yourself. Life is too short to make the same mistake more than once.

 

[Boris Zubov]

I posted this about six months ago, and thank you everyone who read and replied, especially @Loki Dog 74 for the kind words and advice and encouragement and sympathy and all that good stuff. This place is honestly more than a dumb hockey board for me; I don't post all that much but it provides a much needed sense of community and stability, and for some strange reason it's comforting seeing the same people post year after year.

It took a little while, but in these past months I've done a lot of casual running around and when I felt like I was ready and able to develop feelings for another person again, I started seeing someone new in a more serious capacity.

She ended up being a garbage human being. I won't get into it because I don't really care anymore and I'm just glad it's over. In the past, I was really lucky with avoiding relationships of any kind with these kinds of people, and it was kind of like a splash of cold water to the face to realize that there are people like her walking around, treating others like garbage, and I'm just as predisposed to the intimacy nightmares I've seen other people in my life go through, but never thought I'd actually experience. Turns out I fall for a pretty face and an eccentric personality just as much as anyone else. I knew those kinds of people existed, but that fact never sunk in until I was actually romantically involved with one. In a sense I'm glad that I had the experience from my prior relationship, because even though it didn't work out, I never felt disrespected, walked on, used, and made to feel lesser by my partner. Without it, I might not have had the guts or self respect to walk away from this new girl when I did.

So here's where I may have f***ed up. I was no contact with my ex for these past six months. After this other thing fell apart, and because I didn't really feel like whining to my usual support system because I don't want them to pity me after how much I relied on them after my first breakup, I ended up emailing her. It wasn't too long or sappy—basically just me telling her what I went through and that I appreciated her for always treating me with respect, for communicating with me healthily, and how I always felt loved and secure with her and that there are no hard feelings, that I'm doing well, hope she and her family are well and healthy, etc. etc. etc.

She ended up emailing me back, and we reconnected a bit. We decided to meet up at one of our old favorite used book stores and shoot photos around town (we're both hobbyist photographers). We were having a good time so we had some drinks and food at a tavern we liked. We hugged and went our separate ways, but we still talked a bit.

Last weekend however, we went to shoot at an abandoned sanatorium in Connecticut. Then we went back to my place, had some drinks, then a lot of drinks, and.... yeah. Things were said, we ended up in bed, then stayed there for pretty much the whole weekend.

We got takeout at our favorite deli near my apartment, played Doki Doki Literature Club (another thing we loved back then) and reminisced.

I'm treading very delicately because logically I know this is probably not healthy, but my heart just wants it so f***ing badly. After she went home, we had a very serious conversation about expectations and boundaries, and I basically told her that I was OK right now and that I really want to continue hanging out and shooting together and, yes, the physical stuff too, but I can't promise that I will stay OK with that, and that we can play it by ear for now.

She said she really missed me and likes having me back in her life and that we can keep it light and fun and see where things go without any pressure or expectations.

Send help.

Also LGR, please stop sucking thanks

Good to see you check in. I told you would get through it & be ok!

My advice is tread lightly, remember you guys broke up for a reason. I don't recall what those reasons were or if you even listed them, but obviously this will go one of two ways. You'll either realize time apart made you both appreciate one another even more or that a few weeks together will trigger the same issues you had in the first place.

If you issues were small...like you leave the toilet seat up & she doesn't like Sushi, those can obviously be worked on, compromises can be made etc. But if the issues are larger, like you don't want kids & she does, or she's Israeli & you're an Arab, well then a bigger conversation needs to take place.

Again tread lightly, find out if you actually enjoy her company or just familiar company & then go from there. Setting boundaries is good. Remember, there is no rush.

 

[Boris Zubov]

Thank you for sharing your experience with us and for reaching out to our community.

Be very careful. I know it’s hard, but try to recuse yourself emotionally for a minute and ask, why did this fall apart in the first place? And what has changed, either with you or with her or systematically to make this time different? Moreover, why do you “want” this? Is it the feeling it gives you? What is the trigger? What else gives you this feeling in life? And why must it come from her?

I was in a four-year relationship that ended recently. Things ended with me having to get a restraining order against her after she got violent (she always had a temper but never acted on it physically); doctor recently diagnosed me with PTSD after having constant nightmares (things like her showing up with my bones in a bag and telling me that she’s here to kill my parents, or, in the dream, I wake up to find her sitting on me with a knife to my neck, etc). So be very careful with whom you get involved. There’s a reason things don’t work out. Don’t ignore that. Remind yourself. Life is too short to make the same mistake more than once.

Yikes brother. Hang in there.

 

[CasusBelli]

I tend to be some of those things and generally have found it easy to make friends, dating on the other hand is different. Also, how many truly interesting people are there? A lot fewer than those that date successfully. My goal is to be interesting and usually that's actually a strength.

Anyway, I shot my shot with a girl I had dates with on the matchmaking service if she doesn't respond and this one girl from another service doesn't give me her number (part of the mechanics of the service) I'm officially done for at least 2 weeks, maybe a month, if not more. I'm just burned out and even my previous strengths are weakening. I need to recharge.

I think we for some reason associate happiness or fulfillment with being in a relationship. People, mistakenly, believe that a healthy and loving relationship provides a sense of purpose and happiness. The truth is that happiness comes from within and is not granted by someone else. To say “she/he makes me happy” is to say “I am unhappy without her” — which is a cry for help. All of this is to say that you are making a wise choice. Don’t force a relationship. Focus on yourself and your happiness. That’s what this is all about — right? Finding happiness. Whether it be through your job, through self-improvement, through volunteering ... whatever. Just don’t forget that “happiness” that depends on others is an illusion. Friends and loved ones provide us many things — but happiness isn’t one of them. That comes from ourselves.

 

[CasusBelli]

Yikes brother. Hang in there.

Thank you my friend.

 

[TheDirtyH]

I posted this about six months ago, and thank you everyone who read and replied, especially @Loki Dog 74 for the kind words and advice and encouragement and sympathy and all that good stuff. This place is honestly more than a dumb hockey board for me; I don't post all that much but it provides a much needed sense of community and stability, and for some strange reason it's comforting seeing the same people post year after year.

It took a little while, but in these past months I've done a lot of casual running around and when I felt like I was ready and able to develop feelings for another person again, I started seeing someone new in a more serious capacity.

She ended up being a garbage human being. I won't get into it because I don't really care anymore and I'm just glad it's over. In the past, I was really lucky with avoiding relationships of any kind with these kinds of people, and it was kind of like a splash of cold water to the face to realize that there are people like her walking around, treating others like garbage, and I'm just as predisposed to the intimacy nightmares I've seen other people in my life go through, but never thought I'd actually experience. Turns out I fall for a pretty face and an eccentric personality just as much as anyone else. I knew those kinds of people existed, but that fact never sunk in until I was actually romantically involved with one. In a sense I'm glad that I had the experience from my prior relationship, because even though it didn't work out, I never felt disrespected, walked on, used, and made to feel lesser by my partner. Without it, I might not have had the guts or self respect to walk away from this new girl when I did.

So here's where I may have f***ed up. I was no contact with my ex for these past six months. After this other thing fell apart, and because I didn't really feel like whining to my usual support system because I don't want them to pity me after how much I relied on them after my first breakup, I ended up emailing her. It wasn't too long or sappy—basically just me telling her what I went through and that I appreciated her for always treating me with respect, for communicating with me healthily, and how I always felt loved and secure with her and that there are no hard feelings, that I'm doing well, hope she and her family are well and healthy, etc. etc. etc.

She ended up emailing me back, and we reconnected a bit. We decided to meet up at one of our old favorite used book stores and shoot photos around town (we're both hobbyist photographers). We were having a good time so we had some drinks and food at a tavern we liked. We hugged and went our separate ways, but we still talked a bit.

Last weekend however, we went to shoot at an abandoned sanatorium in Connecticut. Then we went back to my place, had some drinks, then a lot of drinks, and.... yeah. Things were said, we ended up in bed, then stayed there for pretty much the whole weekend.

We got takeout at our favorite deli near my apartment, played Doki Doki Literature Club (another thing we loved back then) and reminisced.

I'm treading very delicately because logically I know this is probably not healthy, but my heart just wants it so f***ing badly. After she went home, we had a very serious conversation about expectations and boundaries, and I basically told her that I was OK right now and that I really want to continue hanging out and shooting together and, yes, the physical stuff too, but I can't promise that I will stay OK with that, and that we can play it by ear for now.

She said she really missed me and likes having me back in her life and that we can keep it light and fun and see where things go without any pressure or expectations.

Send help.

Also LGR, please stop sucking thanks

don't usually come to these parts of the board, but I want to express my sympathy for you and hope that things improve (or keep improving ). I can relate big time, as I've had some of the worst months of my life starting last June when I got involved with my longtime friend (and current roommate) and things between us didn't work out for a similar 'x, y, z.'

Negotiating that space of friendship is really difficult. Obviously, it's made even harder with the fact that we're in a shut-down in the same apartment, but even in other circumstances it continues to be a consuming struggle—how can I respect her boundaries and the limits of what she's willing to give without cutting her out? how can I draw my own boundaries without being cold? what can I expect of this person and what then am I willing to give?

Our situations are really different, and I don't know that much about yours, but I felt I should relate. It's a relief to see that someone else is or has gone through something similar. All I can say is that you have to be mindful of what 'pressure and expectations' means for you. With me and this girl, a lot of the 'expectations' are a one-way street: I can't expect anything from her that I need (direct communication and some consistency) but she expects a lot from me that's really painful to give without feeling mutually respected/cared for (openness, eagerness to be with her, enthusiasm, and support). I'm finding that it's really challenging to both douse those flames and keep them going at the same time.

I saw in the OED that hope is defined as the combination of expectation and desire. The best solution I've found has been to be mindful of my desire (which I can't do anything about) and try to let something other than my expectations take the wheel. Namely, gratitude. If I really can be happy just by giving of myself, mindful that I won't be getting what I want in return, then it's doable for me. Sometimes, it isn't though, and when it isn't I have to allow myself to take space for myself regardless of my fears that doing so will bring things to an end.

All that's to say that I'm rooting for us both. It's not an easy space to navigate. Make sure that above all, you treat she and yourself with respect. Otherwise, in my experience, you risk finding yourself torn up just as bad as before. God bless

 

[LokiDog]

@Lua thanks for the kind words. I also love the community here. Actually I come more for the sense of community than the hockey takes (no offense guys).

Regarding the new evolving situation, tread lightly but trust yourself. The thing is, yes you broke up for a reason, but you also realize through later experiences that you felt secure, communicated with, appreciated and those are big things. You wouldn’t be the first exes to make the mistake of falling back into bed together and it not working out (been there) but it’s also not like you’d be the first exes to have it not work out on round one, learn some lessons and reconnect and have success.

That said, just because it’s possible, don’t go rushing anywhere. Take it even slower than you normally would, even though the familiarity makes it easy to wanna go fast. I don’t necessarily mean with intimacy. It’s whatever, you guys had already been together, you’re not going to pump the breaks now. I mean go very slow when it comes to assessing your emotions and whether or not things are right, or just easy.

Everyone’s life is their own. Who cares if it’s normal. Do you. The situation you’re describing only feels strange because societal norms kind of tell us it’s strange. Just be honest with yourself, trust yourself and do what works for you. Sometimes people are so wrapped up with saying “this is wrong” (even if they don’t really know what it is, but the norm seems to say so) that they sabotage something that could be perfectly right. Sometimes people say “this feels right” when all it really feels is familiar and easy. Just be transparent with yourself, and each other and take it day by day. Life could be a lot worse than having amicable relations, hobbies in common and intimacy with someone, even if your unsure what it means right now.

 

[Roo Returns]

Another thread I'd like to revive since I'll be around a little more now that the work life balance is more sane, no Rangers hockey, and it is summer time which means we can actually enjoy outdoors without 17 layers of jackets (even with masks still important).

Mostly checking in on @SnowblindNYR to see how you're doing and if you took time off.

I'm personally getting better from the oneitus^2 at least the local one.

In about a month or at some point post-Memorial Day, I'll probably very slowly start getting back in the market now that I've taken care of a lot of health and had a year + away.

Nothing serious, just good to start talking to people and doing some casual stuff like meeting in parks, outdoor dinning, etc. The best way to get good is seeing what's out there.

Still at a crossroads with staying in the Northeast and I have the other situation I'd like to get back to but it was very healthy to step away from everything and nice to be able to literally work from home and grow my hair long for the first time in 20+ years.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Another thread I'd like to revive since I'll be around a little more now that the work life balance is more sane, no Rangers hockey, and it is summer time which means we can actually enjoy outdoors without 17 layers of jackets (even with masks still important).

Mostly checking in on @SnowblindNYR to see how you're doing and if you took time off.

I'm personally getting better from the oneitus^2 at least the local one.

In about a month or at some point post-Memorial Day, I'll probably very slowly start getting back in the market now that I've taken care of a lot of health and had a year + away.

Nothing serious, just good to start talking to people and doing some casual stuff like meeting in parks, outdoor dinning, etc. The best way to get good is seeing what's out there.

Still at a crossroads with staying in the Northeast and I have the other situation I'd like to get back to but it was very healthy to step away from everything and nice to be able to literally work from home and grow my hair long for the first time in 20+ years.

Thanks for asking. I had a brief back and forth with one girl who I was supposed to go on a date with and then she just disappeared like they all do. Since then I haven't done anything. I'm going to be professional quality pictures taken by a friend soon enough for dating apps. Though that would require going to Virginia and I'm waiting for full immunity to kick in.

 

[Roo Returns]

Thanks for asking. I had a brief back and forth with one girl who I was supposed to go on a date with and then she just disappeared like they all do. Since then I haven't done anything. I'm going to be professional quality pictures taken by a friend soon enough for dating apps. Though that would require going to Virginia and I'm waiting for full immunity to kick in.

Good you're hanging in there. I'll DM you something I read about a website to put your pictures for ranking, what type of pictures, etc. later this week (I'm back on this board at least part time. During the weekdays I probably will not post much if ever this summer unless it's a big event or something bonkers goes down).

Don't get too hung up on online dating. A lot of it is for validation. Guys like to know "they still got it" and women for attention.

True story; of my childhood friends and that extended network, I know two guys in relationships who have online profiles; one is to keep his skills sharp, and the other has made it very well known he doesn't care about his marriage. I also know three women on sites who have been in serious relationships that have profiles. One has told me she just forgot to deactivate it (I call BS), one is in an open relationship, and the other uses it to meet people to talk to she has common interests but no desire to meet up (I also call shenanigans).

Best advice I got is don't pay too much attention. You have a match, ask a unique question "oh you like the Rangers, how many other arenas have you been to? Are you going to go to a Karen game?" and then try and set something up for coffee soon after. That'll gage interest. "Listen, I'm busy and heading hiking but give me your number and let's continue this over coffee".

If they're not that into us, we know what their intentions are. No time for online DM buddies, that's what I've been doing with all my childhood friends during pandemic. Every. Day.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Good you're hanging in there. I'll DM you something I read about a website to put your pictures for ranking, what type of pictures, etc. later this week (I'm back on this board at least part time. During the weekdays I probably will not post much if ever this summer unless it's a big event or something bonkers goes down).

Don't get too hung up on online dating. A lot of it is for validation. Guys like to know "they still got it" and women for attention.

True story; of my childhood friends and that extended network, I know two guys in relationships who have online profiles; one is to keep his skills sharp, and the other has made it very well known he doesn't care about his marriage. I also know three women on sites who have been in serious relationships that have profiles. One has told me she just forgot to deactivate it (I call BS), one is in an open relationship, and the other uses it to meet people to talk to she has common interests but no desire to meet up (I also call shenanigans).

Best advice I got is don't pay too much attention. You have a match, ask a unique question "oh you like the Rangers, how many other arenas have you been to? Are you going to go to a Karen game?" and then try and set something up for coffee soon after. That'll gage interest. "Listen, I'm busy and heading hiking but give me your number and let's continue this over coffee".

If they're not that into us, we know what their intentions are. No time for online DM buddies, that's what I've been doing with all my childhood friends during pandemic. Every. Day.

Maybe it's so tough getting a date n there because so many people don't take it seriously. But I haven't focused on it in a while.

 

[Machinehead]

Are you going to go to a Karen game?

I know you meant Kraken but I just wanted to say that Karen game sounds amazing.

All the Karens karen each other until one Karen remains. I'd f***ing buy that.

 

[Machinehead]

I have an odd problem, and I was wondering if anybody else has dealt with this.

You guys are familiar with stage fright, right? I have the opposite. When I teach, I own the room. My largest class was 127. In front of 127 people, I feel NOTHING. I could sleep in front of a crowd. No pulse.

Put me in front of *one* person and this is me:



It's something I'm self-conscious about, especially now that I wanna get back out there now that I got my covid pokes.

 

[LokiDog]

I have an odd problem, and I was wondering if anybody else has dealt with this.

You guys are familiar with stage fright, right? I have the opposite. When I teach, I own the room. My largest class was 127. In front of 127 people, I feel NOTHING. I could sleep in front of a crowd. No pulse.

Put me in front of *one* person and this is me:



It's something I'm self-conscious about, especially now that I wanna get back out there now that I got my covid pokes.

I think it’s kind of normal. I thrive in front of crowds. I was our squadron training lead for a year and trained classes of 40ish daily. I was the keynote speaker at our NCO induction ceremony in front of about 600 enlisted and MCed plenty of other base ceremonies in front of similar crowds. I also thrive going to a bar alone and striking up friendly conversation with the bartender or some old dudes who are watching a game. Also do very well in interviews and was great one on one when dealing with suspects or victims as an MP. But when I met strangers one on one, especially in dating situations or situations where the ground rules and interest levels are less clear, there’s an anxiousness and awkwardness that creeps in. I would say that you just have to weather the storm, know that it’s something (I think) most people experience and that you’re normal and most likely doing just fine. Don’t overthink it.

 

[Machinehead]

I think it’s kind of normal. I thrive in front of crowds. I was our squadron training lead for a year and trained classes of 40ish daily. I was the keynote speaker at our NCO induction ceremony in front of about 600 enlisted and MCed plenty of other base ceremonies in front of similar crowds. I also thrive going to a bar alone and striking up friendly conversation with the bartender or some old dudes who are watching a game. Also do very well in interviews and was great one on one when dealing with suspects or victims as an MP. But when I met strangers one on one, especially in dating situations or situations where the ground rules and interest levels are less clear, there’s an anxiousness and awkwardness that creeps in. I would say that you just have to weather the storm, know that it’s something (I think) most people experience and that you’re normal and most likely doing just fine. Don’t overthink it.

Well it's good to hear from somebody experienced and confident that this is normal. That makes me feel better.

 

[Boris Zubov]

Well it's good to hear from somebody experienced and confident that this is normal. That makes me feel better.

Totally normal...One on one with someone you're trying to impress & court is a different ballgame than speaking to in front of 40 students in a classroom. Loki pretty much nailed it as he always does.

 

[Machinehead]

Totally normal...One on one with someone you're trying to impress & court is a different ballgame than speaking to in front of 40 students in a classroom. Loki pretty much nailed it as he always does.

He's a good man and this is a good thread.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

He's a good man and this is a good thread.

I'm ok on a date, but can't court for the life of me.

 

[Machinehead]

I'm ok on a date, but can't court for the life of me.

It's better than what I come up with on the basketball court, so that's a positive spin.

 

[Machinehead]

I'm no expert on women (interested to @Loki Dog 74's thoughts as he is our resident godfather) but I am a sociologist.

I study people. I'm a collector of stories. I put together qualitative experiences until I can see a quantitative pattern. In order to help myself, as I am currently single (I was single pre-covid and covid threw me off the horse) I've been observing how people met. Whether it's long-term partners or not quite that serious.

And here (unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you wanna look at it) is the number one common thread I've observed: luck.

Overwhelmingly, the most common explanation is "we just clicked" or "we just hit it off." Very few guys qualify for what I would consider "smooth" and many, in fact, were actively awkward or did things "wrong."

You hear about confidence, and do think confidence helps. But I don't think it's this panacea that women smell like wolves and then melt. It's an indirect aid. What it provides is the ability to expose your true self so the "clicking" happens with the right person, and it allows you to persevere through bad luck or just not finding chemistry, which is a luck factor.

I told you all long ago that I have late-stage problems and I'll elaborate on that now. This is personal experience now. I have had a good chance with, off the top of my head, 20-25 women. Easily. Probably forgetting some. I blow it because I always feel pressured to be "cool" or "aloof." It's not me. You guys know that's not me because you see it with the Rangers. I'm passionate and emotional. I have a "cannonball into the pool" personality. I'm adventurous and I like expressing myself. If I attract a response to that naturally, and then try to be Fonzie or whatever the f***, the "click" goes away. For years, I focused on the wrong things. I tried to be cooler every time it fell apart.

I'll admit, I'm nervous getting back on the horse after the covid times. But when I do, the thing I'm going to change is not trying to change myself.

 

[Filip Chytil]

I think that's what confidence really is. Being cool with who you are instead of trying to be something you're not. Just be who you are. Don't try to take on someone else's personality/sense of humor, just be you. Look at me. I'm a total lunatic, but that's who I am. A lunatic. A guy with Bill Pidto as his avatar.

But seriously, whoever you are as a person, just be that person. Don't take on a persona. If it works out, great. If not, even better. Last thing you want to do is act like someone you're not, keep up the charade, and end up in a relationship with someone thinking you're someone else. Been there, done that. No bueno. Just be you.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I think that's what confidence really is. Being cool with who you are instead of trying to be something you're not. Just be who you are. Don't try to take on someone else's personality/sense of humor, just be you. Look at me. I'm a total lunatic, but that's who I am. A lunatic. A guy with Bill Pidto as his avatar.

But seriously, whoever you are as a person, just be that person. Don't take on a persona. If it works out, great. If not, even better. Last thing you want to do is act like someone you're not, keep up the charade, and end up in a relationship with someone thinking you're someone else. Been there, done that. No bueno. Just be you.

Hey baby I'm so confident in myself I have an obscure hockey and basketball analyst in my avatar on a hockey message board.

Oh, Filip Chytil take me now!