OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[LokiDog]

Realized Roo and I were getting way OT in the roster building thread and didn’t want to derail it.

Odd thread, perhaps, but we can all always learn and improve - whether it’s just talking to the opposite sex, getting through tough times or keeping the magic alive throughout the years.

I myself just got engaged (once divorced) and I know that I’m always open to hearing from members of long, happy, healthy marriages on what’s worked for them.

Click to read more...

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I've wanted to start this thread for the longest time but I wasn't sure what the mods would say. So, I've been talking to this girl from bumble, just texting and video calls for about 6 weeks. We haven't met in real life and the conversation is super casual. Today I saw she deleted her bumble account. I wonder if that means anything. I guess some people don't love bumble and it could have nothing to do with me.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Also, congrats on the engagement!

 

[Kupo]

July 31st is one of the most wonderful days of the year for me. It’s a day filled with memories, love, and harmony.

This July will mark the 5th year of my Divorce Anniversary. It’s a day I treasure with all my heart.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

July 31st is one of the most wonderful days of the year for me. It’s a day filled with memories, love, and harmony.

This July will mark the 5th year of my Divorce Anniversary. It’s a day I treasure with all my heart.

My friend got separated (not sure if officially) and divorced from the same woman in 3 years. It sucks, now he has child support, the whole nine yards. But that marriage was toxic and toxic from day one. I'm happy he doesn't have to deal with it anymore.

 

[LokiDog]

Boys, all I will tell you is I may be fit but I’m trollishly unattractive and my fiancé is about 5x out of my league. Just be yourself. Own it. Embrace it. Don’t hide anything. The less I censored, but more comfortable I was with just being me, the better it got. You can put it all out there but be kind of self conscious about it. You can be real confident and put only half of it out there. But when you just truly own YOU and present nothing but that, that’s when you truly find what’s meant for you.

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

Boys, all I will tell you is I may be fit but I’m trollishly unattractive and my fiancé is about 5x out of my league. Just be yourself. Own it. Embrace it. Don’t hide anything. The less I censored, but more comfortable I was with just being me, the better it got. You can put it all out there but be kind of self conscious about it. You can be real confident and put only half of it out there. But when you just truly own YOU and present nothing but that, that’s when you truly find what’s meant for you.

This is the best advice possible.

No one can keep up a charade forever and if someone doesn't want to be with you for what ever reason, do you really want to be with them?

 

[eco's bones]

Do your best not to fight over family, friends or money.

Caveat: Sometimes that's not possible.

 

[LokiDog]

I ended up blessed as a MF by owning my love of LotR, GoT, and fantasy in general. We love food, cooking, the outdoors, NYR, all things fantasy nerd, etc.

 

[Roo Returns]

Thanks @Loki Dog 74 Congrats on your engagement...great job! And hey we got the roster thread back on track (I should have changed my name to Howden's Advocate with a picture of Paul Heyman in a #21 Rangers jersey but I digress).

Yeah it's frustrating I've had relationships but they've always been somewhat unstable. Not to throw anyone under the rug but substance abuse by the other person(s) has been an issue in the past.

I've never gotten the girl I really like ever (only once and the first night we went on a date she was bombed out of her mind). My past relationships have been out of convenience.

I get the "be yourself" part but because I'm a laid back guy and I try to be a "good teammate in life" I end up doing things for girls out of just my personality and they think I'm too nice and lose respect/attraction for me and then comes the "Casual Friendzone" which is one step further than the "Regular Freindzone" and basically means I can send them a text but they'll never go out of their way to initiate. Like if I decided today I will never text them again, that will be it for our lives. That's been an ongoing theme. Like I do the same good and kind nonsense for my friends its just how I'm wired. I've also been told I'm "not alpha" enough and I don't understand how to "mess with girls."I think in certain situations or group settings, you get labelled a way or you're in social roles and its tough to get out of them. So a lot of times I'm at parties or in big dinner with friends I'm never "The Man" or not "Main Eventing."

I try to keep in shape, before covid I could run three miles no problem, now I can run 6 miles no problem and my eating is mostly clean and I've lost a bunch of weight. I have stable work, and have many interests (music, editing, Star Trek, comics, fitness, health, old school wrestling, I've even had the chance to work on some indie films). I even do Toastmasters to work on my public speaking.

I had really strong feelings for a girl recently. Knew her a year and a half. I said my piece and she didn't feel the attraction it was obvious. We've texted once since covid but no social media interaction, no anything. If I didn't send her that text then radio silence. I get the whole "getting over it aspect" and I do lots of things to keep me busy but its always there I'm always thinking about her. There's this inherent sadness that just hasn't gone away no matter how many miles I run or how I'm progressing in my professional life/personal projects (yay I figured out iMovie!!!!!). It's definitely a situation of I don't know if I'm going to feel better for quite a long time but I have to "no sell" it especially now during the pandemic. Saturday nights suck.

I've mentioned before but through friends I know someone very far away who is awesome. Very special in my life and she once told me I always make her feel good. We don't talk enough and we both have stuff to cleanup in our lives. Its also not the right time because you never want to start something up to "fill a void" but if I get a shot to travel when we can (end of this year hopefully beginning of next year maybe) we've talked about doing an outdoor trip. A lot more complicated than than but I'll leave it there.

This isn't therapy or depression or anything, just stuff that goes on in my life outside of working and talking about how Lindy Ruff has to go. There are good days, and then there are some truly awful ones but fitness is a must as is creativity.

 

[Thirty One]

This is the best advice possible.

No one can keep up a charade forever and if someone doesn't want to be with you for what ever reason, do you really want to be with them?

Depends.

 

[Roo Returns]

I've wanted to start this thread for the longest time but I wasn't sure what the mods would say. So, I've been talking to this girl from bumble, just texting and video calls for about 6 weeks. We haven't met in real life and the conversation is super casual. Today I saw she deleted her bumble account. I wonder if that means anything. I guess some people don't love bumble and it could have nothing to do with me.

Has nothing to do with you my man. Keep your head up. It's basically fast food for dating. I was in a crap mood one day and just went on a rampage deleting all my dating profiles back in 2016. Maybe I'm just a cynical person but dating and the whole modern courtship dynamic is so different to me than it was 15-20/30 years ago. It consists of:

1. Fast Food Element (so many choices "what will I have today Italian, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Kosher Deli...swipe swipe swipe).

2. Learning a new language (how to attract women how to be grounded how to be funny how to mess with them, be cool under pressure....it's essentially learning Spanish, French, Latin, etc.).

3. Psychological Warefare...passing their tests, not being needy, making decisions, not being weak......if you've ever seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the modern interactions between men and women basically mirror the battles between the Enterprise and Reliant....all that old uboat and Horatio Hornblower stuff).

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Has nothing to do with you my man. Keep your head up. It's basically fast food for dating. I was in a crap mood one day and just went on a rampage deleting all my dating profiles back in 2016. Maybe I'm just a cynical person but dating and the whole modern courtship dynamic is so different to me than it was 15-20/30 years ago. It consists of:

1. Fast Food Element (so many choices "what will I have today Italian, Chinese, Indian, Mexican, Kosher Deli...swipe swipe swipe).

2. Learning a new language (how to attract women how to be grounded how to be funny how to mess with them, be cool under pressure....it's essentially learning Spanish, French, Latin, etc.).

3. Psychological Warefare...passing their tests, not being needy, making decisions, not being weak......if you've ever seen Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, the modern interactions between men and women basically mirror the battles between the Enterprise and Reliant....all that old uboat and Horatio Hornblower stuff).

You know I'll be honest the whole "new language" take on it has always bothered me. I'd like to think you can just be a regular dude and date successfully.

 

[Inferno]

My wife and I met playing hockey. We both have similar interests, neither drink, smoke or do drugs (before or after we met).both love hockey, both have the same religious beliefs and political beliefs (again before and after we met).

We've been together a decade. We basically never fight, and have about as solid a marriage as you're going to get.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I've mentioned before but through friends I know someone very far away who is awesome. Very special in my life and she once told me I always make her feel good. We don't talk enough and we both have stuff to cleanup in our lives. Its also not the right time because you never want to start something up to "fill a void" but if I get a shot to travel when we can (end of this year hopefully beginning of next year maybe) we've talked about doing an outdoor trip. A lot more complicated than than but I'll leave it there.

I have a similar relationship. I won't get into specifics but I have very little dating experience and decided to splurge on an up to $5,000 matchmaking service (up to because you can cancel before all of the dates expire and get part of your money back). In the end, I've been on dates with, I think 10 girls (might be 9), and have 3 more to go (I got a free date because of a bad experience with one that wasn't my fault). Anyway, I haven't really hit it off with any except one...my matchmaker. The problem is she's 10 years older than me (not something that's THAT big of a deal), she's 43 and I'm 33. She has 5 kids (a bit tougher) and she lives in Virginia, while I live in NYC. I would like to date her but she doesn't want to do long-distance and she doesn't want to date a younger guy because she thinks he'll want children and she doesn't. Anyway, I've never met her but this has been the best relationship of my life despite it being 100% platonic (I mean I've had no choice). My assumption is it'll stay platonic. But we both love each other as friends and it has really helped my confidence with women. Something I always lacked. I'd like to think it also helped me in communication with women. I honestly was so stressed out during Covid in the beginning and her calming influence helped me get through it and I'd like to think I have helped her when she was down. I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything.

 

[Inferno]

Dating services never worked for me.

I just opted to go out and do things I genuinely passionate about and meet people that way.

It's how I met my wife and a large group of close.friends.

With covid it's harder.. but call meOld fashioned.. I think organic dating is a little bit easier than matchmaking type things... At least I know we have something genuinely in common we can talk about

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Dating services never worked for me.

I just opted to go out and do things I genuinely passionate about and meet people that way.

It's how I met my wife and a large group of close.friends.

With covid it's harder.. but call meOld fashioned.. I think organic dating is a little bit easier than matchmaking type things... At least I know we have something genuinely in common we can talk about

I've only recently started having dates from dating sites. The dates are on zoom but whatever. Before I barely had conversations, so I needed it and it was an opportunity to gain experience and grow my confidence.

 

[Bob Richards]

Dating apps rock because they allowed me to utilize my elite skills in being online for the dating sphere.

Shoutout to OkCupid for helping me meet my gf of 2 years lol.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I ended up blessed as a MF by owning my love of LotR, GoT, and fantasy in general. We love food, cooking, the outdoors, NYR, all things fantasy nerd, etc.

Jesus dude, if my fiance looked like that I'd be sharing her pics too. Congrats!

 

[Machinehead]

I have a cat

 

[eco's bones]

I have a cat

You have a dog too.

 

[Row I Goon]

Relationship advice? Been married to my high school sweetheart for 27 years and I’ll share what my granpa told me years ago...

“If only one wins, both lose”.

 

[LokiDog]

I understand the considerations regarding the tests and games and the new language of dating, but I’d advise against engaging in it. You can be successful just by being yourself. You don’t want a girl who needs you to play games and pass tests; dating and staying happy together is enough of a test, this whole ‘don’t show too much interest in order to show you’re interest, act like you don’t care to show that you care’ crap is toxic. Don’t pursue that type of woman. I’ve never used a pickup line in my life, I try not to play the games, I try to completely own who I am and stick to it; if I don’t like a show they mention I say so, I don’t laugh and pretend that I like it. If I haven’t seen a movie or don’t know a thing about what they’re talking about, I just say no, what is that? Or, yeah, that’s really not my cup of tea. Be willing to take risks. Just go for it. Don’t dote on them without letting your intentions be known; establish if there is mutual interest before you start going out of your way for them. Go for the kiss on the first date lol

I don’t know. I think you want to avoid the psychological BS as much as possible. You’re never going to be happy in the long run. You’re infatuated by her looks or her laugh or her style, but anyone whose making you play these games isn’t someone you’re going to truly love beyond that those elements.

 

[Riche16]

I DM'd Roo yesterday about this book so as not to derail the thread: "The Man's Guide to Women' by John Gottman
Very good template book and covers a lot, but it isn't a pick up book @ all... it's about building a relationship as a team.

I'm 46 and engaged for 2nd time (the first was a true bullet dodged on my part). Best advice I ever received:

"You don't always have to agree with each other... but u ALWAYS have to be agreeable to each other."

 

[LokiDog]

All of these nuggets are the truth, I believe.

When only one person wins, no one wins.

You don’t always have to agree with each other but you should always be agreeable with each other.

One that I frequently remind myself of is, it’s never me versus you, it’s you and me versus whatever the problem is.

The root of each is the same.