OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[Machinehead]

All of this x1000. I'm about to run my first half-marathon. Started the year having never run more than a mile at one time. Definitely not a bad idea for people to start getting in shape now if possible as I truly believe the casual sex/hook-up scene is going to be out of control if/when vaccine drops during the summer.

God bless you. I recently walked a half marathon and I wanted to die.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

@SnowblindNYR, @ponzu4u , and others, don't feel bad if you're in a slump now. We're entering the worst phase of the pandemic and it's the coldest months of the year. Don't force it if it isn't there.

Think of it like a salary cap in the NHL. Do you really want to sign a Wade Redden or an Andrew Ladd to a max contract because they're the only available options right now? Hell no!

I've come to terms and accepted that I'm going to be single and not even date the rest of this year and Q1 2021. Now some people might say I'm in giving up, but it's not that at all. Rising pandemic numbers ,no places to go in public and get to know people, and not enough comfort from either side to go to each others places.

You can't go hiking in a park with someone you barely know when it's less than 30 degrees out.

I'm not going to try to be desperate or thirsty and get attention from the 3-4 "options" I have when none are anyone I will be in a long term relationship with.

So what to do in the interim? Finish strong at work. I want to maximize my bonus and maybe even get a raise, get a promotion, even if the later is only a title.

Keep working out. I'm thin now. Lost all the weight I put on year one from the big boy job. We're going to be in this minimum four more months and maximum 10-11, so now get toned.

Finish all my personal projects, and keep reading and learning. It's not always about women, about leadership, adversity, even something like the Grant Presidency for example.

As I said in my post above, if you do all the work you will put yourself in prime position for success when this thing ends whether that is beginning Q2, or end of Q3.

The divorce and break up rates are going through the roof. People from both genders will be thirsty. You show strength, success, and confidence, and you will do well.

I still have oneitus^2, I still have one situation far away I'd like a happy ending to after covid when she takes care of her stuff, but that's not the be all end all.

This ain't Disney, it's real life.

I can use a happy ending right now too.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

All of this x1000. I'm about to run my first half-marathon. Started the year having never run more than a mile at one time. Definitely not a bad idea for people to start getting in shape now if possible as I truly believe the casual sex/hook-up scene is going to be out of control if/when vaccine drops during the summer.

 

[Roo Returns]

Yeah, that's where I'm at. Too much on the plate. Plus, the apps bore me.

If this was a long-term way of life, maybe that's different but it looks like we'll have a pretty effective vaccine some time in 2021, so f*** it. I don't need the stress.

I the meantime, I'm just doing me. Working on metal health, working on hobbies, maybe I'll get back in shape although I do like pie. I've learned to enjoy my own company over the course of the pandemic.

If you love yourself and maximize your strengths, you will be golden.

 

[East Coast Bias]

I will (unnecessarily) attempt to one up you; my fiancé and I got engaged in April. Never did we expect that Covid and quarantine would last this long. We have had to “prove” that we can make it while suddenly having less to do than ever before on our weekends, having gone through job loss and financial strain, having been cut off from our social life and really just being relegated to the two of us, 99% of the time. Yes, getting engaged is one of the happiest and most enthusiastic times but also you’re in a moment where you want to really be sure before you take the next step and this has certainly been the best test to make positive that we’re sure.

yea it’s not easy. The socialization we do on our own is important. It’s important to have your own life. To the reasonable extent obviously. that's been the biggest challenge. That and trying to raise a 20 month old in this environment with childcare and all that.

 

[LokiDog]

How is this different from regular first dates?

 

[SnowblindNYR]

How is this different from regular first dates?

Hopefully us who aren't Casanovas like you could experience it too.

 

[Machinehead]

If you love yourself and maximize your strengths, you will be golden.

I'm actually very pale and I should work on my tan. Thanks for the tip.

 

[aufheben]

Dating is rough right now. Can I just be a monk or something?

 

[SnowblindNYR]

So today's the day if she doesn't flake. My first in person date since like March, pretty nervous. Also, exciting.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

She flaked. Just unmatched me. Then when men are bitter by such callous behavior by women they become demonized and called misogynists.

 

[I Eat Crow]

If it makes you guys feel better, marriage in the pandemic isn’t a breeze.

This.

My wife and I have been together for 9 years now, married for 3, and this has been the toughest year we've had. And this is having gone through our son being born at 34 weeks, buying a house, and two job changes from 2018 to 2019. We've been through the ringer the past two years.

 

[Roo Returns]

She flaked. Just unmatched me. Then when men are bitter by such callous behavior by women they become demonized and called misogynists.

Not worth it bro. Move on. Think of it this way; she failed the job interview and is most likely destined for a crappy marriage that will end in divorce after 1-2 kids where she's out of shape, or she'll be trying to find Mr. Right who doesn't exist with unattainable standards.

The bitterness will go away in a few days. I feel you. I've had girls I've chased or been stuck on for sometimes years never text me back if I don't initiate. Some family members accused me of having personality issues to which I countered "yeah because I've had my friends since I was in Middle School, I have female friends, and I've been in how many wedding parties....I'm such an unfriendly person aren't I?"

Dating is hard. It's not like the 70s or 80s. It's not even like the 90s or 2000s.

There are 32 days left of this year. Plenty of time to get momentum going and improve your life in all other areas. Read, write, lift weights, run, clean, learn. Do. The. Work.

You'll be fine.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Not worth it bro. Move on. Think of it this way; she failed the job interview and is most likely destined for a crappy marriage that will end in divorce after 1-2 kids where she's out of shape, or she'll be trying to find Mr. Right who doesn't exist with unattainable standards.

The bitterness will go away in a few days. I feel you. I've had girls I've chased or been stuck on for sometimes years never text me back if I don't initiate. Some family members accused me of having personality issues to which I countered "yeah because I've had my friends since I was in Middle School, I have female friends, and I've been in how many wedding parties....I'm such an unfriendly person aren't I?"

Dating is hard. It's not like the 70s or 80s. It's not even like the 90s or 2000s.

There are 32 days left of this year. Plenty of time to get momentum going and improve your life in all other areas. Read, write, lift weights, run, clean, learn. Do. The. Work.

You'll be fine.

I'm working on another match. I asked her out we'll see. It was weird she responded but didn't say no and didn't say yes. Usually you either get no response or a yes.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

I'm unfortunately taking a course about dating. The big thing is confidence and lack of neediness. I have yet to hear anything about kindness or anything of the sort. The closest is flirting, which is just an ego stroke. And then people wonder why so many guys are single and so many women are miserable. Confidence is rare, being an asshole often passes for confidence and is MUCH easier. So therefore assholes get women, good guys that are less confident struggle.

 

[Roo Returns]

I'm working on another match. I asked her out we'll see. It was weird she responded but didn't say no and didn't say yes. Usually you either get no response or a yes.

Good you're trying.

Don't worry about the entire a-hole v. non a-hole thing.

Just work on yourself in all aspects of your life (mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.) and get more reps in. The confidence will come.

 

[YoSoyLalo]

Snowblind, personally, I think you just need to completely forget about dating for awhile and focus 100% on yourself. This seems to have been a purely negative, unhelpful burden on your life, and I think you are putting far too much weight into a relationship fixing problems that can only be fixed solo. If you go into a relationship with this bitter mindset, I think it will lead to an outcome which causes even further bitterness.

 

[YoSoyLalo]

I'm unfortunately taking a course about dating. The big thing is confidence and lack of neediness. I have yet to hear anything about kindness or anything of the sort. The closest is flirting, which is just an ego stroke. And then people wonder why so many guys are single and so many women are miserable. Confidence is rare, being an asshole often passes for confidence and is MUCH easier. So therefore assholes get women, good guys that are less confident struggle.

This is cringe and untrue.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Snowblind, personally, I think you just need to completely forget about dating for awhile and focus 100% on yourself. This seems to have been a purely negative, unhelpful burden on your life, and I think you are putting far too much weight into a relationship fixing problems that can only be fixed solo. If you go into a relationship with this bitter mindset, I think it will lead to an outcome which causes even further bitterness.

I'm not going into anything bitter. Venting after getting quasi-stood up is not the same thing as actually acting this way with women. I know you'll play amateur psychologist and will say that I'm bringing that baggage subconsciously. My question is this, if I am bitter why can't I be bitter? Bitter women are feminist heroes, but bitter men are loser incels. I'm sorry I don't play the game where only women can have an axe to grind because it's politically expedient.

I've worked on myself plenty. I didn't do ANYTHING with this last girl that warranted her actions. Maybe women should work on themselves and not hide behind apps. If she said she lost interest that's one thing. But this was a pathetic cowardly move. Yet I'm the one that has to work on myself? Why because I'm a guy?

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Maybe this thread isn't great in hindsight, who knows who reads it? I try to be vague and not give away too much info but you never know.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

This is cringe and untrue.

Confidence is what everyone across the board says is the most important thing. Arrogance is often misconstrued as confidence. It's absolutely true.

 

[YoSoyLalo]

I'm not going into anything bitter. Venting after getting quasi-stood up is not the same thing as actually acting this way with women. I know you'll play amateur psychologist and will say that I'm bringing that baggage subconsciously. My question is this, if I am bitter why can't I be bitter? Bitter women are feminist heroes, but bitter men are loser incels. I'm sorry I don't play the game where only women can have an axe to grind because it's politically expedient.

I've worked on myself plenty. I didn't do ANYTHING with this last girl that warranted her actions. Maybe women should work on themselves and not hide behind apps. If she said she lost interest that's one thing. But this was a pathetic cowardly move. Yet I'm the one that has to work on myself? Why because I'm a guy?

You seem to harbor bitterness against women in general, and are making sweeping generalizations across the board, and that is appallingly apparent from this post. Your mindset here tells me that you are not in a good place mentally for a relationship. I don't know why you're so insistent that you need one right now, I've seen you talking about this for like at least a year now, and every post gets progressively more bitter and angry towards women as a whole. I think you need to take a break. For me, this is red flag central.

Ghosting is a shitty thing to do but a lot of people are terrified of saying no, or breaking off dates. I've ghosted people before, and it never feels good, but telling someone no is hard.

 

[YoSoyLalo]

Confidence is what everyone across the board says is the most important thing. Arrogance is often misconstrued as confidence. It's absolutely true.

"assholes get women, good guys that are less confident struggle" is something a reddit nice guy says honestly

 

[SnowblindNYR]

You seem to harbor bitterness against women in general, and are making sweeping generalizations across the board, and that is appallingly apparent from this post. Your mindset here tells me that you are not in a good place mentally for a relationship. I don't know why you're so insistent that you need one right now, I've seen you talking about this for like at least a year now, and every post gets progressively more bitter and angry towards women as a whole. I think you need to take a break. For me, this is red flag central.

Ghosting is a shitty thing to do but a lot of people are terrified of saying no, or breaking off dates. I've ghosted people before, and it never feels good, but telling someone no is hard.

Sometimes the right thing is hard to do and that's not an excuse. I don't think every situation is a ghost, either. There was a girl right agreed to go out and then I wanted to exchange numbers and she disappeared. It was kind of a hail Mary because frankly I don't think I had that much chemistry with her but thought maybe there would be on an in person date but I barely talked to her. Knowing that situation, while it wasn't the ideal way to go about it, I didn't consider it a ghost as it happened early on in the process. But this particular case was BS. You saying that it's hard not to ghost, well as a guy there's a lot of hard things I have to do during dates. Even something as simple as asking a woman out is hard. Not nearly as hard as offline, but still. Something being hard doesn't make it right to not do it. So maybe you should work on YOURSELF until you get enough confidence to do the right thing and tell people you're not interested instead of criticizing other people.

BTW, men ghost too, if they do it it's equally as wrong. This isn't just about women. Anyone that does it is wrong. But I'm a man so I'll leave the venting about women getting ghosted to women.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

"assholes get women, good guys that are less confident struggle" is something a reddit nice guy says honestly

If you're a nice guy but you're more shy vs. an asshole that isn't shy but is confident you'll have a harder time. Doesn't mean you're doomed but they're less likely to be successful. Sometimes things are true, even if they're cliche and not politically expedient. Also, this really once again highlights what I'm saying. If a woman is bitter she's a feminist, if a man is bitter he's a "reddit nice guy". Do you not see the inconsistency? Why are women the only ones allowed to be bitter?