OT: Off Topic thread: Sirquacksalot Does Not Respond Well to Spooky Behavior

[Hot Water Bottle]

Let me get my popcorn. I'm eagerly awaiting part 3 of this story.

Well, my cousin gathered up his courage and walked out toward the evil apparition, but he was stricken by a headache and chills which prevented him from getting nearer, so he had to retreat back into the house. She disappeared for a while and then reappeared in a different spot outside the side window. She's gone now but there is dead silence out there, not even crickets or anything. It also looked like all the grass & vegetation where she was standing had turned black.

Tomorrow one of us might try standing over the woman's grave while calling her cell phone and see what happens, maybe we'll hear it ring down there.

Anyway, there are clearly some evil forces afoot. Maybe my cousin brought it on himself? Hopefully someone knows a magic spell we can try?

 

[SirQuacksALot]

I was kind of hoping you could give me instructions for a magic spell. I bet if you ask around you'd uncover all kinds of useful ancient folk knowledge.

My city was founded in the 1950s.

 

[kducks]

The answer is obviously we have to sacrifice Quick so they can be together.

 

[Carolinas Identity*]

Hello there, I'm actually an Islanders fan but you guys seem like the best people to ask in this situation so I thought I'd post this here.

My cousin was going out with a woman who was a major Kings fan. They were on track to get married but she had several miscarriages, then he broke up with her and she killed herself. Her family blames him for everything and warned him to stay away from the funeral, but he heard she was buried with her favorite Jonathan Quick jersey.

Since then he's beeing seeing a silent figure in a #32 Kings jersey watching him from a few hundred feet away but disappearing whenever he gets closer. This apparition is also scaring off any other woman he tries to go out with, by suddenly appearing in their homes in the middle of the night. And last night he also started getting texts from her number (just random strings of numbers and letters over and over) even though she was buried with her cell phone.

So evil forces are clearly at work here. Does anyone know a magic spell to counteract the spirits from the dark side? Maybe grind up some wild plants and recite a chant or something? I figured that you guys have lots of experience dealing with the Kings and may have seen this before.

Thank you very much!

we already told you how to combat this on the #hcanes forum

i believe we instructed you to, among other things, become a rangers fan, sacrifice a bucket of fried chicken and tricking a buffalo fan into buying the card

 

[mightyquack]

10/10 to whoever changed the thread title. I wish I had thought of that

 

[Hot Water Bottle]

My city was founded in the 1950s.

I'm sure people brought some ancient traditions from the old country when they immigrated. There's got to be a lot of Native American traditions around too. Please ask around today and see if you can get instructions from someone on how to do a spell. Thank you.

 

[Hot Water Bottle]

we already told you how to combat this on the #hcanes forum

i believe we instructed you to, among other things, become a rangers fan, sacrifice a bucket of fried chicken and tricking a buffalo fan into buying the card

That was for a different problem / different person. But you were extremely helpful and saved the day on that other thing. Thanks again, everything is going great and it's all sunshine and flowers over there now thanks to you guys.

The answer is obviously we have to sacrifice Quick so they can be together.

I don't want to get involved in anything like that, but maybe a J. Quick action figure or poster would placate the forces from the other side?

 

[duckaroosky]

Maybe he could try beating her (allegedly) and then rehabilitate in a Hilton or Holiday Inn Express.

 

[WhatTheDuck]

Maybe offer a pumpkin spice latte as a peace offering?

 

[Mortal Wombat]

My cousin was going out with a woman who was a major Kings fan...

Apparently your cousin didn't know that going out with a Kings fan can create unearthly amounts of bad karma. He has angered evil spirits and disturbed the sleep of the ancient ones. This is why he is experiencing powerful shared hallucinations and will eventually spend his nights curled up in a ball chanting "Luc Robitaille is the greatest left wing of all time."

However, all this can be negated in two simple steps:
1. Donate $1 to a charity of your choosing for every day the relationship lasted.
2. Show up in front of the Staples Center right before Kings' home opener, destroy a Jonathan Quick jersey (burning works best) while shouting "I renounce the Kings and all their fans" at the top of your lungs.

That should appease the spirits.

 

[snarktacular]

Being haunted about a mistake you made is just like how Pittsburgh management feels about drafting Jordan Staal.

 

[Carolinas Identity*]

Maybe offer a pumpkin spice latte as a peace offering?

 

[SirQuacksALot]

All pumpkin beer I've had is garbage, except for the one from Red Hook. I don't know why but I love it. Maybe because it's a porter, so the heavier base matches well with the pumpkin.

 

[Hot Water Bottle]

Apparently your cousin didn't know that going out with a Kings fan can create unearthly amounts of bad karma. He has angered evil spirits and disturbed the sleep of the ancient ones. This is why he is experiencing powerful shared hallucinations and will eventually spend his nights curled up in a ball chanting "Luc Robitaille is the greatest left wing of all time."

However, all this can be negated in two simple steps:
1. Donate $1 to a charity of your choosing for every day the relationship lasted.
2. Show up in front of the Staples Center right before Kings' home opener, destroy a Jonathan Quick jersey (burning works best) while shouting "I renounce the Kings and all their fans" at the top of your lungs.

That should appease the spirits.

Maybe offer a pumpkin spice latte as a peace offering?

Thank you so much, you guys are brilliant and might have magical abilities without even knowing it!

Inspired by your ideas, we went to the grave today and did a spell by burning a Jonathan Quick jersey on top of the grave and then extinguishing the flames with pumpkin spice latte. Now everything is back to normal and life is a pleasure once again.

We know it worked because we called her cell phone that she was buried with. Before doing the spell, some evil force actually answered the phone. After it was all over, we could hear the phone keep ringing down there without being picked up. So we clearly destroyed the evil forces, with your help.

 

[The Midnight Burrito]

is this like when I have to clap for the little kids who put on a terrible play just to be polite?

 

[Hot Water Bottle]

is this like when I have to clap for the little kids who put on a terrible play just to be polite?

You could also clap in the glow of victory over the dark forces from the beyond.

 

[Lord Flashheart]

10/10 to whoever changed the thread title. I wish I had thought of that

... it wasn't me
... it wasn't me

 

[SirQuacksALot]

10/10 to whoever changed the thread title. I wish I had thought of that

*Raises hand

 

[Fighter]

Hello there, I'm actually an Islanders fan but you guys seem like the best people to ask in this situation so I thought I'd post this here.

My cousin was going out with a woman who was a major Kings fan. They were on track to get married but she had several miscarriages, then he broke up with her and she killed herself. Her family blames him for everything and warned him to stay away from the funeral, but he heard she was buried with her favorite Jonathan Quick jersey.

Since then he's beeing seeing a silent figure in a #32 Kings jersey watching him from a few hundred feet away but disappearing whenever he gets closer. This apparition is also scaring off any other woman he tries to go out with, by suddenly appearing in their homes in the middle of the night. And last night he also started getting texts from her number (just random strings of numbers and letters over and over) even though she was buried with her cell phone.

So evil forces are clearly at work here. Does anyone know a magic spell to counteract the spirits from the dark side? Maybe grind up some wild plants and recite a chant or something? I figured that you guys have lots of experience dealing with the Kings and may have seen this before.

Thank you very much!

Hoe the **** did I miss this? Epicness!

 

[Fighter]

Anyway, there are clearly some evil forces afoot. Maybe my cousin brought it on himself? Hopefully someone knows a magic spell we can try?

Make him a Ducks fan: it will work wonders. Like vampires and garlic.

 

[Hot Water Bottle]

Make him a Ducks fan: it will work wonders. Like vampires and garlic.

Thanks for the great suggestion! He just ran out to buy an armload of Ducks jerseys to hang around the house as a purifying ritual. And as soon as he put one on, his leftover headaches and chills suddenly disappeared and he feels as healthy as ever.

We also tossed a Cam Fowler jersey on the cursed gravesite, and a huge mass of steam instantly rose up to the heavens as if an evil spirit was being dissolved.

 

[DaDucks*]

 

[duckaroosky]

How I feel right now...

 

[kducks]

The joy of living by the ocean is you can go jump in it to cool off Duckie.

 

[duckaroosky]

The joy of living by the ocean is you can go jump in it to cool off Duckie.

No time. I just fit a metric ****-ton of stuff into a corolla.