OT: Humor thread
- Thread starter Jets 31
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- Feb 24, 2015
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Ozzy man has the baseball argument down pat .
ryerockarola
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- Nov 20, 2011
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A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man’s hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ‘Clean my house.’
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,
“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man’s hand. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, ‘Clean my house.’
One for married couples out grocery shopping.
If she ONLY heard it, she got off lucky.
ryerockarola
Registered User
- Nov 20, 2011
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- 7,586
Joe says to his neighbour “Close your curtains the next time you’re making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” His neighbour says “Well, the joke’s on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
RetroWinnipeg
Registered User
ryerockarola
Registered User
- Nov 20, 2011
- 6,000
- 7,586
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the other side of the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer replied, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quckly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer replied, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quckly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
HerculePoirot
Registered User
- Mar 9, 2012
- 412
- 219
I've looked just like this cat a few times after the bar.
Straight to bed after the bar
Good one, I’ll tell that to my cousin who’s a lawyer the next time I’m talking to him
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