OT: Humor thread

[Conflicted Habs fan]

Let's bring Ozzy back to a more appropriate sports theme here shall we?

 

[ryerockarola]

A guy walks into a bar and says “Gimme twenty shots of your best bourbon.” The bartender pours the shots, and the guy immediately pounds them all down like a madman.
The bartender says “Man, I’ve never seen anybody drink like that before.”
He says “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” asks the bartender.
The guy says “Fifty cents.”

 

[Jets 31]

 

[Jets 31]

This is a classic.

 

[Jets 31]

This is too funny.

 

[ryerockarola]

A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.
Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.
“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

 

[Jets 31]

 

[Jets 31]

This is too funny.

This just makes me piss myself laughing especially when the guy on the ground gets hit by a chair.

 

[BatVader]

 

[ryerockarola]

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim.”
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.

 

[BatVader]

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim.”
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.

Yup.... that defines how my marriage was....

 

[Jets 31]

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim.”
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.

 

[Jets 31]

 

[Jets 31]

 

[BatVader]

 

[Jets 31]

View attachment 373366

GROSS!!!

 

[Jets 31]

Interesting and funny.

 

[Jets 31]

Ok too funny.

 

[Jets 31]

Ok too funny.

I just remembered what that Hadouken sound effect was from the old Street fighter video game, too funny.

 

[BatVader]

I just remembered what that Hadouken sound effect was from the old Street fighter video game, too funny.

 

[Ginger Papa]

A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim.”
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.

That’s an awesome joke. This is what my Wife purchased for my birthday this year:

 

[Jets 31]

This is what happens when you don't drink the Sambuca shot.

 

[Eyeseeing]

This is what happens when you don't drink the Sambuca shot.

Haha
Nice job

 

[Jets 31]

Ozzy man is hilarious.

 

[ryerockarola]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The husband said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get the hell out.”