Zoidberg Jesus
Trotzkyist
- Oct 25, 2011
- 3,814
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Last offseason, Maple Leafs fans were posed a tough question: did Dave Nonis have a better offseason than a potato? Today, Caps fans face a similarly difficult dilemma. GM Brian MacLellan earlier today signed Brooks Orpik and Matt Niskanen to 5 year, 27.5M and 7 year, 40.25M contracts, respectively. Caps fans are forced to wonder, was this the right move, or would GMBM have been better off offering those contracts to these two russet potatoes?
Clearly, this question requires some serious thought. I've provided a rundown of these players/tubers for your convenience.
Brooks Orpik
LH Defenseman
6'2, 219 lbs, 33 years old
Orpik is a defenseman know for his physicality and leadership, as well as his numerous injuries and declining play. Brooks had sports hernia surgery in 2011 (you know, what Green and Laich had), and missed time this year due to a concussion and a knee injury. To be fair, Orpik played the shutdown minutes in Pittsburgh... sort of like how Erskine played shutdown minutes two years ago... He also led Penguins defensemen in hits and blocked shots, which as Penguins fans will tell is because he takes himself out of position chasing hits, and has to block shots because he's not good enough positionally to prevent them.
Matt Niskanen
RH Defenseman
6'0, 209 lbs, 27 years old
Niskanen had a career year this season, scoring 46 points after four straight seasons without topping 21. Did this have something to do with his 1031 PDO, 5th amongst the 120 defensemen to play 60+ games and 15+ a night? Perhaps. Does the severe drop off of his numbers when away from Crosby and Malkin further suggest he's not going to repeat his numbers with the Caps? Maybe. Whatever the case, the player three years removed from being a throw-in in the James Neal trade is now the Caps' fourth highest paid player.
Potato and Potahto
Russet Potatos
6 ounces each
The Potato Brothers are American farm boys with all the personality, candor, and insight you expect from a North American hockey player, not to mention their trademark versatility. You can fry them up for Lars, ferment them into vodka to help Ovechkin forget he's stuck here for another 7 years, even wire them up to power a nightlight for MacLellan's "deep thinking" in his hammock. The one minor weakness is that as inanimate objects incapable of movement, just like John Erskine they cannot actually play hockey. Depending on whether or not being consumed counts as retirement, they may need to be put on LTIR for the duration of their contracts.
So there you have it, the duds versus the spuds. Who is more deserving? Be sure to check in next time, when I compare the relative merits of Brooks Laich and a red potato as our new second line center.
Clearly, this question requires some serious thought. I've provided a rundown of these players/tubers for your convenience.
Brooks Orpik
LH Defenseman
6'2, 219 lbs, 33 years old
Orpik is a defenseman know for his physicality and leadership, as well as his numerous injuries and declining play. Brooks had sports hernia surgery in 2011 (you know, what Green and Laich had), and missed time this year due to a concussion and a knee injury. To be fair, Orpik played the shutdown minutes in Pittsburgh... sort of like how Erskine played shutdown minutes two years ago... He also led Penguins defensemen in hits and blocked shots, which as Penguins fans will tell is because he takes himself out of position chasing hits, and has to block shots because he's not good enough positionally to prevent them.
Matt Niskanen
RH Defenseman
6'0, 209 lbs, 27 years old
Niskanen had a career year this season, scoring 46 points after four straight seasons without topping 21. Did this have something to do with his 1031 PDO, 5th amongst the 120 defensemen to play 60+ games and 15+ a night? Perhaps. Does the severe drop off of his numbers when away from Crosby and Malkin further suggest he's not going to repeat his numbers with the Caps? Maybe. Whatever the case, the player three years removed from being a throw-in in the James Neal trade is now the Caps' fourth highest paid player.
Potato and Potahto
Russet Potatos
6 ounces each
The Potato Brothers are American farm boys with all the personality, candor, and insight you expect from a North American hockey player, not to mention their trademark versatility. You can fry them up for Lars, ferment them into vodka to help Ovechkin forget he's stuck here for another 7 years, even wire them up to power a nightlight for MacLellan's "deep thinking" in his hammock. The one minor weakness is that as inanimate objects incapable of movement, just like John Erskine they cannot actually play hockey. Depending on whether or not being consumed counts as retirement, they may need to be put on LTIR for the duration of their contracts.
So there you have it, the duds versus the spuds. Who is more deserving? Be sure to check in next time, when I compare the relative merits of Brooks Laich and a red potato as our new second line center.
