OT: Humor thread

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BatVader

"nothing is true; everything is permitted"
May 16, 2015
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Imperial Gotham
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ryerockarola

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Nov 20, 2011
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A couple were returning home from their wedding rehearsal dinner when they were killed in a car crash. They met Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven and asked him:
“We were supposed to be married tomorrow. Would it be possible to get married here in Heaven?”
“I’ll have to look into that,” Saint Peter said. “Wait here while I check this out.”
Six months later, Saint Peter returned and told the couple, “I haven’t forgotten about you; it’s just that this is taking longer than I expected. Please be patient and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
Eighteen months later, Saint Peter returned again.
“Good news!” he said. “We can marry you.”
“Well,” the couple explained, “since we’ve been waiting for you, we’ve got to know each a lot better and we’re not so sure. We’d still like to be married, but if things don’t work out, would we be able to get a divorce here?”
“For God’s sake,” Peter snapped back. “It took me two years to find a priest up here. How long do you think it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?!”
 

ryerockarola

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Nov 20, 2011
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.
The man said, ‘Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
 

ryerockarola

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Nov 20, 2011
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After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he asked nervously.
“No, silly,” she said while nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who IS he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me . . . before the surgery”
 

Jets 31

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Mar 3, 2015
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After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he asked nervously.
“No, silly,” she said while nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who IS he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me . . . before the surgery”
I just threw up in my mouth a little. :laugh:
 
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