OT: The Plausible Keats thread

[SoupNazi]

Is the bit still funny though?

Si.

 

[dalem177]

Si.

OK, I'll keep it up. Thanks!

 

[dalem177]

"Detroit and St. Louis. One city is named after a king and the other after a river, and you could say that there's been kind of a river of hockey players flowing between them lately. Neither team looks like they'll crowned the king of the NHL this year, so both the Wings and the Blues might be looking at an passionate struggle among exes this evening." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Detroit and St. Louis were both founded by French fur traders in the 18th century, and over the last couple of years have traded players and draft picks back and forth like busy little beavers. Instead of dams, however, each team is busy building a channel back to the Stanley Cup playoffs. In fact, the only dams you're likely to hear referenced tonight will be curses from the fans of both the Blues and the Wings who are hoping for some bad luck in these last few games in trade for some good luck in the draft lottery this year, where people are expecting the fur to really fly in the early rounds." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Detroit has its wings on a wheel, but that wheel has not really been rolling well the last ten games. Pittsburgh has its wings on a bird, but that bird doesn't fly - it waddles. At this point in the season we're getting used to watching the Red Wings roll downhill, and it seems inevitable that the Penguins have waddled their way into the playoffs to stay. But memories are long, and we wouldn't mind a flyover mission tonight where the Motor City drops a little guano onto the Steel City's chances." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Anyone who's fooled with one knows that recipes can be tricky things. Add a bunch of fish to a spinning wind storm over land and you get a cheap movie about a tornado that spits out sharks. Add a bunch of whales to a spinning wind storm over water and you get a professional hockey team that spits out wins. The Carolina Hurricanes are following a recipe that has taken them to first place in their division and it looks like they'll be pretty hard to dislodge. The Detroit Red Wings are following their own recipe, but it looks like the cake they're baking won't be ready until next year at the earliest.". - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Those of you who have some experience flying, even as a passenger, may know that there's something on the top side of the wing of a jet airplane that helps reduce lift and therefore altitude by inducing some drag. This device is called a spoiler. The Red Wings are in Winnipeg tonight, where the Jets are trying to stick their landing into the playoffs. They're currently lined up on a wildcard spot, but Calgary and Nashville are stacking the pattern close behind. For Detroit fans, we know that we've already missed our connecting flight to the post-season, but the team can still act as a different kind of spoiler for the home team's own plans." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

Corrected arithmetic error in original:

"62 years ago, the very first comic book story about a WWII tank helped by the ghost of Jeb Stuart debuted in G.I. Combat # 87. Now, turn that 6 upside down so it's a 9 and you get 92, and the number 92 also happens to be the jersey number of one Marco Kasper, the 18 year-old Austrian forward who's expected to be a real game changer, and debuts himself tonight with the Wings playing the Leafs in Toronto. Whether you're a fan who believes in "the tank" or not, you probably want to believe that this young Kasper is indeed a friendly ghost, and can give the winged wheel some of the help it needs." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"So Buffalo stampedes back into Little Caesar's Arena tonight, Sabres swinging. The question on everybody's mind is "Is it wrong to hope that flightless birds from Pittsburgh have their Dynastic story finally trampled under the hooves of snorting beasts from the Empire State?" And if the answer is "no", then maybe either outcome of the game tonight, win or lose for the Wings, is, in and of itself, always a victory in the larger world." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"One has to wonder whether any of the Swedish players on the Red Wings have developed a taste for lutefisk, and whether they might have it in their diet plans. The gelatinous dish, made from dried and rehydrated fish with a combination of salt and lye, is said to be an acquired taste of those living near the Arctic Circle. A taste that Detroit would like to savor today is not that of spoiled fish, however, but instead, that of spoiled Penguin hopes." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"The Dallas Stars are in Detroit tonight skating against our Red Wings again. The two previous meetings in this season's series ended 3-2 against our Wings, neither one, obviously, ending in a blowout loss. With Dallas having locked into a playoff spot and Detroit locked out, at this point fans at the LCA tonight can hope that the Stars aren't taking this game very seriously and allow the winged wheel to avoid a blowout, and possibly even inflate their record with a win." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Two teams, one cup. Detroit won't be be drinking from that cup this summer, and the Hurricanes could be blowing their own chances this week if the Wings can fly in the face of a depleted roster and deliver the storm of offense that never really materialized during the last game." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"66 million years ago, paleontologists say that the giant pterodactyl Quetzalcoatlus northropi with its 35 foot wingspan regularly flew over the young Atlantic Ocean. Well, tonight our Red Wings will have completed their 82 game journey across the NHL's Atlantic Division, alighting tonight in Tampa to see if they can create some hope that their next hoisting of the Stanley Cup takes place somewhat sooner than 66 million years from now." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

Welp. Here it is. Near-80 (I know I missed a few) attempts to lighten the mood around here. In my opinion most are OK, a few are pretty cool, and a few more than that are "gotta meet the deadline!"-bleah.

But I guess that's most writing, eh? Do these things qualify as "writing" though? I'm not sure. They're no "For Sale: One pair baby shoes - never used." for damn sure, but they are.... something.

I got some likes, I got some comments, I learned some esoteric facts about Tampa's bay and the Hartford Whalers.

Did I successfully parody John Keating's delivery style though? I rate myself for that as... "kindof, sometimes". I fell into the trap of loving my own words and started trying to write something sensible as opposed to a true caricature or parodic effort of a notable style. Maybe that's inevitable over 80 attempts. I dunno.

I'll probably try again next season though. Thanks for reading/skimming/etc.

 

[dalem177]

Here we go again for '23-'24.
------------------------------------------
"Well folks, after a few months of cold turkey, the Winged wheel is finally back on the ice. Half are in red on white today, and half in white on red. Mix white and red together with paint and you get pink, and the artist Pink, as you may know, has a song about filling a house with a million dreams. Detroit's dream this season is to make the playoffs, of course, but only time will tell if the red & white paint will remain on the ice in the Red Wings' house into the next post season." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"To "devil" a food is to mix in a few ingredients to ratchet up the spiciness - your deviled eggs, deviled ham sandwich spread, and so on. Or in the case of devil's food cake, to coin an easily-identifiable opposite to angel food cake. As Detroit opens its season tonight in New Jersey, there's no doubt that the Devils will be a bit spicy this season, but there's also hope that our Red Wings can be a little opposite of what they were at the end of last season, and spice things up a bit themselves." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

• Oct 16, 2023

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• #142

"It's said of the state of Ohio that it is high in the middle and round on both ends. The state of Blue Jackets hockey this season however is not expected to be very high, and the Red Wings hope to be able to play well at both ends as they visit from Detroit tonight. Whether they can do that, of course, depends on whether they can do well with possession of something tonight that happens to be small and round." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Some of us may remember the song by the band Kansas called "Lightning's Hand", which is, unsurprisingly, a song about lightning. Towards the end one of the verses says "I hear them moan, I hear them weep because they feel I belong to the devil". Now, there's been plenty of moaning and weeping over the team being "owned" by the Devils the other night, but as we welcome Tampa Bay to the LCA for Detroit's home opener this night, most fans will be looking for their Red Wings to instead "command the Lightning's hand." - Plausible Keats

"In the television series 'Star Trek: the Next Generation', the character of Tasha Yar, played by Denise Crosby, was killed by what was essentially an angry trash bag. This last spring, the Red Wings helped trash Sidney Crosby's shot at the playoffs; and tonight the winged warp drives of Detroit will pick up where they left off and try to consign Pittsburgh's chances for a Cup to their next generation by putting this game firmly in the bag."
- Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"You could say that the most famous robot pairing in all of science fiction is Artoo Detoo and See Threepio and you wouldn't get much of an argument from anyone, least of all Star Wars fans. You could also say that the most famous game pairing of last season was the Ottawa back-to back that ended the month of February and arguably ended Detroit's season and you won't get much push back from anyone, least of all Red Wings fans. One thing is for certain however, and that is belief that if the Sens are looking for a replay of February's games with lots of arguing but little pushback from their opponent, then Detroit is going to leave them with the message that these are, in fact, not the droids they're looking for."
- Plausible Keats

"The annual Calgary Stampede happens in July and is a 10 day extravaganza celebrating Calgary's history and origin as a cowtown and trading post of Western Canada that was every bit as colorful as Abilene, Kansas or Cody, Wyoming. Now, here at the beginning of the season the Flames haven't exactly caught fire yet, but the Wings are soaring. Can Detroit stampede the boys from Cowtown? Or will there be clipped Wings and a return to earth?"
-Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"I think we've all experienced the phenomenon where it's hard to get ready for a game against Seattle without yelling "Release the Kraken!" over and over. Last season that made some sense because the Kraken did indeed release a bunch of goals all over our Red Wings, but the new season and the new Red Wings are flying high right now, and teams had better be looking up and be ready to dodge some Detroit incoming."

- Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Folks, sometimes you think about being in a hot tub and how you can connect it to the sport of hockey. The easy route is to think about players, sore muscles, and water jets; but another thing to remember is that sometimes those jets can hit in an uncomfortable spot and you have to adjust a little. As they host Winnipeg tonight at the LCA, the Wings will want to make sure that they've made any necessary adjustments to ensure that these Jets don't get them in any uncomfortable spots."

- Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"If we can have an official Star Wars Night, then why not an unofficial Lord of the Rings night? In the Lord of the Rings timeline, October 28 was the day that the four hobbits and Gandalf the wizard returned to the village of Bree after the Ring was destroyed. In honor of tonight's game we thought the following verses might be appropriate:

Three Points for the forwards in the O zone,
Seven for the defensemen on their line of blue,
Nine calls for Striped Men doomed to be booed,
One win for the Red Wings to break their current slide
In the Land of Boston where the Accents slice.
One game to rule them all, One game to take them,
One game to bring them all, and in three periods wake them
In the Land of Boston where the Accents slice."

-Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Deep in your collection of vinyl records, you might have Scottish warbler Chris de Burgh's "Living on the Island", a song about a beautiful and languid island paradise full of gorgeous days and sultry nights. Now, if you were to sail the cold waters the Wings are closest to tonight - Long Island Sound - you'd be be far more likely to run across an oil drum filled with the remains of someone a wise guy didn't like than you would be a candle lit dinner. What Detroit needs to do tonight is prove to the Islanders and themselves that they are capable of a long romance with winning, and that the first few games of this season were not just a one night stand."

- Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

• Nov 2, 2023

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• #13

McAvoy, serving a suspension for the Bruins.

The exact opposite of "Shaka, when the walls fell."

You have added a new Tamarian phrase to our lexicon, sir.

"Florida Man is pretty famous for doing some pretty infamous things. Sometimes he rides a golf cart after a few ginger ales, sometimes he forgets to wear his pants in public, and sometimes he steals a police car and goes for a joyride. Occasionally he does all three. Last season's Florida Panthers had the kind of discipline that Florida Man does not, and they kept their hockey pants on the whole time while riding all the way to a disappointing loss in the Stanley Cup Final. So far this season they've shown neither the irregularity of Florida Man nor the focus of that playoff run, so the Red Wings will simply have to focus on their own game - and maybe keep an eye on the keys to the zamboni - and hope that they make tonight's game at the LCA a joyride for themselves and the fans."

- Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"In the game of Dungeons and Dragons, Rangers are solitary woodsmen with a nose for tracking, eyes for accuracy, some mild spell usage, and one of the better progressions for hit points in the game. In the game of professional hockey, the Rangers play in the middle of the Big Apple, haven't used wood in their sticks in decades, don't admit to using spells, and throw hits about as much as the next team. They are also leading their division in the hunt for the playoffs, but a win tonight for the Red Wings with maybe a few critical hits of their own would see Detroit tied with those same Rangers in points at the end of the night."

- Plausible Keats