OT: The Plausible Keats thread

[dalem177]

"Columbus is back in Detroit today but Wings' fans hope the only thing they'll be discovering is that the Red Wings with an almost full line-up are whole new world of hockey." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Some of us might remember that John Denver used to sing about a Rocky Mountain High. Well, today the Red Wings have journeyed to the city of Denver on the edge of the Rocky Mountains to the home of their old nemesis the Colorado Avalanche looking for a different kind of high - that being the high score in a first period of a hockey game. Too many of the last set of games have seen their opponents jump ahead early, leaving Detroit a huge mountain of goals against to climb, and only 40 minutes to do it in." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"In the 80s the word "mullet" brought to mind some real flowing manes, many of which became famously known as "hockey hair". Tonight the Red Wings are visiting the Coyotes in their temporary den of Mullett Arena, and things being what they are in the standings, Detroit fans are surely hoping for a Kentucky Waterfall of goals into the opposite twine. But as we know from experience, that kind of thing can only happen if the Wings forwards and defense are all business in the front so the goalie is free to party in the back." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"We all know that anytime you go to Las Vegas it's a gamble over whether you're going to leave with exactly what you brought. Detroit is in town tonight to face the Golden Knights, and what they are bringing to town that they would like to leave behind is their recent record, which is real - but not spectacular. Fans are hoping that with some skill on the ice and some luck with the puck, the hockey chips might fall in the Wings' favor tonight." - Plausible Keats

(One of these nights I'm going to get ripped and lay down a blue version of one of these I think. )

 

[dalem177]

"While making the 1975 blockbuster movie Jaws, legend tells us that the mechanical shark Bruce gave the film crew so much trouble that they couldn't use it for most of the shots they wanted. Well, for much of the first half of this season the steady availability of Detroit's top 6 forwards has been witness to its own kind of troubles, and they haven't always been able to pile up all the shots they had planned for either. So as the San Jose Sharks have swum into town the Wings can only hope that, come the 3rd period of tonight's game, they're not finding themselves backing slowly into the locker room suggesting they need a bigger score." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"There's talk of tanking around the NHL right now, as the upcoming draft prospects are seeming to be particularly choice. Historically Detroit has been known as a powerhouse for tanks - with armored beasts with names like Stuart, Sherman, Pershing, and Patton all rolling off its assembly lines to swell the arsenals of democracy. The only tank to be built in Montreal had the rather more prosaic moniker of Ram, and was relegated mainly to training and support roles for its service. Tanks in the NHL are all about positioning, not attacking, and it remains to be seen if Detroit wants to crank out a tank like it was 1944 again, and whether the Habs can maintain their position and ram their way to a top draft pick." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Long Island, New York is basically a big pile of rocks and sediment left behind by the last retreat of the glaciers around 11,000 years ago, and these days it forms a barrier island that protects the southern coast of the state of Connecticut from the worst that the Atlantic Ocean has to offer. There are many barrier islands along the East Coast, but most are nothing more than very large sand bars, and lack the historic solidity of "The Island", as it's known. For Detroit's purposes tonight The Island and its Islanders are another sort of barrier - the kind of barrier that could stop a Wings team desperately in search of a 3 game win streak from achieving its goals. Perhaps tonight the Wings can find a way around or over that barrier and achieve their goals by scoring some." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"2000 miles of distance may separate Vancouver, British Columbia from Detroit, Michigan, but these days there's not much room between them in the NHL. Both teams are 6th in their respective divisions and Detroit is only 3 spots ahead of Vancouver in the overall standings. But this is a distinction with a difference for today's game, as the Canucks have had hopes of dredging the bottom for a star draft pick all season, and the Red Wings are still hoping to soar their way into a wild card slot." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"My great uncle used to tell us that "kids, if you keep putting your Couver in your Van, you're eventually going to end up with your Troit in your De." Actually he never said that, but if he did, we would have looked at him with the same confusion that some TV viewers had the last game before they showed us George. Tonight the Red Wings hope to have the same kind of smile on their faces that that young fan did, and also hope that the cheers in the stands are for them, and not the Canucks." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"The Wings are on fire as they slide into Calgary tonight and they of course are hoping to stay that way. If they can keep the Flames from lighting up they will be very happy with their road trip so far." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Things with tentacles tend to be pretty chewy, but tonight the Wings might have enough bite in them to take on Seattle's Kraken, who've thrashed their way into a playoff spot. Assuming that the worst-case scenario of the home team treating the visitors like a bunch of anime schoolgirls doesn't materialize, Detroit has a chance to close in on the Capitals and their 3rd place wildcard perch, which is looking like a mighty nice place to be right now." - Plausible Keats

 

[The Red Line]

Finally found the one I saved a while ago. This was from @jkutswings

"If you took the peck of pickled peppers that Peter Piper picked, and you added one of the six thick thistle sticks that Quick Rick flicked, and THEN you included the start of Mo Seider's NHL career...

You'd have a peck, and a stick, and a heck of a pick" - Plausible Keats

 

[Lil Sebastian Cossa]

"Things with tentacles tend to be pretty chewy, but tonight the Wings might have enough bite in them to take on Seattle's Kraken, who've thrashed their way into a playoff spot. Assuming that the worst-case scenario of the home team treating the visitors like a bunch of anime schoolgirls doesn't materialize, Detroit has a chance to close in on the Capitals and their 3rd place wildcard perch, which is looking like a mighty nice place to be right now." - Plausible Keats

Yikes. Plausible Keats gettin spicy

 

[dalem177]

Man, all the Debbie Downers are churning up the TDL threads, so I'll just stick this here for now.

 

[dalem177]

"As the trade deadline approached this last week, the Red Wings felt the weather starting to get a little rough, and their ship has indeed been tossed a bit. Now that they find themselves on an island and missing some of their former crewmates, teammates and fans alike are going to be looking for some fearless courage to help them put a few coconuts into the back of the Islanders' net." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

nah, f*** morale. They need to feel this hurt. They were very very close to making it and fell short. They need to feel this hurt.

Dear Candidate-

We have received your application for Forum Morale Officer and reviewed it. Upon due consideration we do not regret to inform you that although not all candidates can be considered a "good fit", you have indeed missed the mark by a wide margin. We will not be moving your application to the next step. We will not be keeping your resume on file. We will not be asking you to consider ForumMorale, Inc. in your future endeavors.

Many thanks and good luck in your search,

Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Tonight the team from the Windy City is in the Motor City, and fans will no-doubt be noting the whistling of the wind through the holes left in both lineups by moves made at the trade deadline this year. But Detroit fans only want one team's motor to catch tonight and spin the Winged Wheel to a much-needed victory."

-Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"Today our Red Wings have shipped themselves up to Boston, but instead of looking for a wooden leg, they are looking for another win. We know that the odds say that they will leave TD Garden needing a wooden leg, but we can all hope, at least, that Detroit's search for their next victory doesn't end with a harpoon and a great white whale." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

""Bruins" might rhyme with "ruins" but the Wings' best chance of being ruiners themselves went by yesterday in their 3-2 loss to the juggernaut that is this season's Boston team. With their win the Bruins hit the 50 win mark and the Wings slid a bit closer to the .500 hockey line, so for today's game look for the Wings to respond with their own hits and maybe sliding a few pucks into the back of the twine before it's over." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"The great battles between the Avs and Wings are the stuff of legends nowadays, but that doesn't mean that fans don't want to see a good old-fashioned dustup if they can. Rumor has it that even the members of the infamous Detroit Tank Regiment are climbing out of their clanking beasts to hope for a solid win for their team today." - Plausible Keats

 

[dalem177]

"In zoological terms, a group of panthers can be called a prowl, and everyone knows that a group of lions is called a pride, and that a group of birds is called a flock. A pile of tires is most often found at a dump, and often those piles are on fire. Lump all these disparate terms together and we can begin to see that tonight's game represents a part of the hockey season where Florida is prowling for a playoff position, and the fans and players of the Winged Wheel are hoping in their lion-like hearts that playing for pride is enough to prevent the end of this season from turning into a dumpster fire." - Plausible Keats

 

[Lil Sebastian Cossa]

"In zoological terms, a group of panthers can be called a prowl, and everyone knows that a group of lions is called a pride, and that a group of birds is called a flock. A pile of tires is most often found at a dump, and often those piles are on fire. Lump all these disparate terms together and we can begin to see that tonight's game represents a part of the hockey season where Florida is prowling for a playoff position, and the fans and players of the Winged Wheel are hoping in their lion-like hearts that playing for pride is enough to prevent the end of this season from turning into a dumpster fire." - Plausible Keats

Ehh... this is a bit too negative for Keats. He wouldn't talk about the Wings season being a dumpster fire.

 

[dalem177]

Ehh... this is a bit too negative for Keats. He wouldn't talk about the Wings season being a dumpster fire.

I've done like 70 of these things this season. Not every one will be gold.

 

[Lil Sebastian Cossa]

I've done like 70 of these things this season. Not every one will be gold.

When the worst thing I can do is nitpick... you're killing it, bud.

 

[dalem177]

Is the bit still funny though?