Wednesday January 29 - 8 PM
-----------------------------------------
Wednesday night the Edmonton Oilers will be hunting the elusive Tkaturtle, an endangered species known for provoking others and attacking without warning.
--------------------------------------------------
Tkaturtles originate from St Louis, where the oldest example of a Tkaturtle can be found, today the remaining Tkaturtle is quite aged and rotund, and appears to be quite unintelligent, which is atypical of the species.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tkaturtles are found in 31 cities across North America however they are typically docile away from their home lair. They are most aggressive when found in Calgary and rarely provoke or attack in the other 30 cities in which it can be occasionally spotted. There is known to be a younger species of the Tkaturtle in Ottawa however it remains to be seen if this species flees when danger arrives.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Tkaturtles are normally an irritant, best left to be ignored however they do occasionally attack without warning, after which they quickly scurry to safety behind teammates, referees or the players bench. If there is no quick escape or referees / teammates nearby to offer protection the rare Tkaturtle will rapidly take evasive action and retreat into his shell.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The NHL considers them to be an endangered species and has outlawed hunting of the Tkaturtle. However the type of attack Tkaturtles use has been deemed by the authorities to be legal, and it is rumoured that hunters in the future may use this type of attack against the Tkaturtle.
The NHL is sending its Chief Game Warden George Parros, himself a former illegal hunter who typically failed at his craft and who is best friends with perhaps one of the worst species of players ever to see the ice, to oversee the hunt and ensure it remains within the present nebulous boundaries of what the rules are, as he interprets them that day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tkaturtles are universally hated by others, especially by those in Los Angeles and Edmonton. The exception appears to be Calgary however that may be explained by the generally low I.Q.'s and destroyed brain cells found in Calgary inhabitants, rendering them less intelligent than the actual Tkaturtle itself.
One theory is that the inhabitants of Calgary are so busy pretending to be cowboys and cowgirls that they have lost any grip on reality itself, and have even taken to spending money in its rival city to the north to promote Tkaturtles rather than using money for their own mental rehabilitation.
------------------------------------------------------------------
If you find a Tkaturtle in the wild, please call the authorities as it may be rabid and may need to be put down by Animal Control once they have dealt with Hunter the Mascot.
LETS GO OILERS
Neal-McDavid-Kassian
RNH-Draisaitl-Yamamoto
Nygard-Sheahan-Archibald
Khaira-Haas-Chiasson
Klefbom-Larsson
Nurse-Bear
K.Russell-Benning
Smith
Flames
Mangiapane-Lindholm-Tkaturtle
Hobbit-Monahan-Ryan
Bennett-Backlund-Buddy
Blondie-Jankowski-Dube
Kneeordano-Brodie
Hanafin-Hamonic
Kylington-Pretender
Big Sieve Dave
Last edited:
