"I am happy to announce the Panthers organization will be moving forward on a deal that will bring a new team mascot, "Huggz", from his hinterland amazon habitat across the pond, here to the BankAtlantic center on the outskirts of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. This rescue and adoption of such a noble and majestic creature is part of our ongoing effort to attract fans and part of our commitment to being a progressive and environmentally conscientious organization with a finger on the pulse of Boward county. Although non-native to the region, this 400lb jungle panther will be free to roam the grounds of the arena, the neighbouring Everglades, and the Sawgrass Mills outlet mall next door. Also, as part of our plan to expand our income stream, Huggz's former habitat will be quickly and efficiently converted into lawn mulch, biodiesel, and a high-grade chemical fiber compound. This very same compound will be used to create Huggz's very own Florida Panthers' home jersey! His old stomping grounds will then be a developed into a 50 acre sustainable cattle ranch. How sustainable you ask? i) It will be heated and powered by cattle and cattle parts ii) all unused waste products will be converted into process inputs iii) 3% of all profits will go to a charity of Huggz's choice.
The new credit-card operated beef trough installed in the upper bowl will endear itself to Panthers fans as it provides access to an unrelenting, hormone-laden stream of tender, free-range by-product all served in a delectable and soupy Huggz-brand mock barbecue sauce.
We are also planning a zero emissions stadium for the year 2068, and a lawn-mowing contest for the kids to help them get more acquainted with their natural environment. AND...as part of our "Clean Shores" program we will sponsor government mandated community service programs for roadside clean-up...so long as we receive a sizeable tax break and wildly inappropriate influence over municipal and state decision making.
Go cats Go!"