The Players' Tribune: "The Things You Can't See" — Colin Wilson shares his struggles with OCD

SmoggyTwinkles

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Aug 5, 2010
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Very eye-opening article about what Colin Wilson and others with OCD have to deal with.

The Things You Can’t See | By Colin Wilson

Before I read the article I think they need to stop calling it OCD. It's a severe anxiety disorder and it affects a person every single day, sometimes all day long.

And yet you can be a person afflicted with it, and hear all these people talking about how they're OCD because they hate messy rooms etc, or something they see isn't perfectly aligned, in a store full of overpriced products.

It's become a strange label that doesn't represent the people who are suffering, yet also dealing with it.
 

lakeshirts37

Registered User
Jun 25, 2019
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What garbage is this?

You have no idea who did or didn't try to help. You can't claim that just because he didn't explicitly mention teammates saying anything means none ever did. That's such a bad conclusion to jump to.

And you're even going as far as making a baseless claim that some made it worse? That's borderline slander.

This is some dangerous stuff here. You should get out of here with comments like this.

You seem like fun!
 

MarkusKetterer

Shoulda got one game in
medical condition with defined criteria

Except that defined criteria is now constantly being changed.

For instance with my job, I measure shit constantly before I cut it. Like I have to do this four times before I accept that it’s right. Every single time. Then I have to measure it afterwards three times in three different positions (standing, kneeling, and then it being laid down) before I accept it’s done right. Then once it’s installed I have to measure it again twice, (top to bottom and then bottom to top). Then I have to measure the span twice to make sure it’s the proper distance. If it’s off I have to fix it right. f***ing. now. or else I’m bothered by it for the rest of my life until I fix it, or someone else does and I check their work, repeating the process. OCD? Or anal retentive?

I go out for coffee. Are they doing the process right? Sugar, coffee, stir it, then add milk or cream? No? Dump it out then because it tastes off and I don’t enjoy it. Do it “right”. OCD? Anal retentive? Quirky?

I go somewhere with a door I have to physically open. Did I grab it by the bottom of the handle and hold it open for ~3 seconds before I stepped through it? No? Well now I’m f***ed. I’m now gonna sweat my ass off and feel a sense of impending doom until I leave the building. I’m gonna cope with that feeling, until the leaving happens, by now scratching my face, adjusting my glasses, re-arranging my collar, and generally looking like I wanna hold up the place (to security watching on cameras).
 

WhiskeyYerTheDevils

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OCD is an absolutely crippling disorder. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You may know that feeling you get when you lock the door to go upstairs for bed, and then second guess yourself and go back down, just to make sure? Imagine that but with everything you do all the time, with no control over these thoughts.
 

Oddbob

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Jan 21, 2016
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As someone who takes Seroquel to help with depression and anxiety I can very much agree that with a strong enough dose and even only a decent dose it can indeed be very much like a horse tranquilizer (knockout) pill. With it, when it is time to sleep you are no longer driving the bus of staying awake.
 

MSLs absurd thighs

Formerly Tough Au Lit
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That's a great piece. I've been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder 16 years ago by a psychiatrist. This shit can literally control your life. It's a constant battle of reminding yourself not to step in this "dark place", as Colin wrote it. Outbreaks and hard phases are generally triggered by fears that range from ridiculous to actually realistic. I personally can't go to bed if I haven't checked out if the stove is opened. And I mean... not just checked out. REALLY checked out. Even looking at it quickly often ain't enough. I can't stop myself from checking the fence to see if it's closed. Not only closed, but locked and fixed so it can't open itself and the dog can't go out. When I was a teen I had a ritual before going to sleep that took me almost a full hour. And I still have fixations I don't even want to talk about.

It's pure hell. And it's a constant battle. Colin looks like he has quite a bad case of OCD himself. And in his case, it had a pretty bad effect on his career. Wish him nothing but the best.
 

DudeWhereIsMakar

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I remember meeting him a few times through mutual friends, he's actually a really great guy and never knew this about him. He's one of those guys I always hoped the best for.
 
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MSLs absurd thighs

Formerly Tough Au Lit
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OCD is an absolutely crippling disorder. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You may know that feeling you get when you lock the door to go upstairs for bed, and then second guess yourself and go back down, just to make sure? Imagine that but with everything you do all the time, with no control over these thoughts.

Yup. And doubting yourself when you check whether the stove is shut down, even if you just watched it an rationally know everything was shut?
Wouldn't wish that on anyone. The bad news is that it's highly genetic and I might pass it to my children.

Colin is really brave for talking about it. The worst in his case is that those manifestations were in public with other players and coaches/managements. I can't believe the stress he went through just trying to hide it from his entourage.
 

Panda Bear

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Apr 2, 2010
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Another fun part to having OCD is the intrusive thoughts.

I am on more effective medication for it now than before, but I still get vivid flashes about five times a day of crushing my dog's head whenever I walk past her.
 

Paperbagofglory

Registered User
Nov 15, 2010
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Another fun part to having OCD is the intrusive thoughts.

I am on more effective medication for it now than before, but I still get vivid flashes about five times a day of crushing my dog's head whenever I walk past her.

No offense i am just curious but is that related to OCD? a lot of people have messed up thoughts. Not really 100 percent sure how the condition works other than what TV told me.
 

Panda Bear

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No offense i am just curious but is that related to OCD? a lot of people have messed up thoughts. Not really 100 percent sure how the condition works other than what TV told me.
Yup. Pretty much everyone has messed up thoughts, but it's a matter of degree: how intense and how often. Without medication, I get intrusive thoughts--be it "I don't actually love my wife" or horrible violence to loved ones--ten times an hour or more.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) - Symptoms and causes
 

El Travo

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No offense i am just curious but is that related to OCD? a lot of people have messed up thoughts. Not really 100 percent sure how the condition works other than what TV told me.

Read up on the Corey Hirsch PT article about his own OCD issues. It really goes into depth about his mental state and how he wasn't thinking things like "I should run that kid over with my car", but rather "What if I ran over that kid with my car?". They're intrusive thoughts that you have no real control over and they hit you over and over again. Hirsch was basically living with the constant fear of what could happen as his OCD was making him think about it constantly.
 
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qqaz

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No offense i am just curious but is that related to OCD? a lot of people have messed up thoughts. Not really 100 percent sure how the condition works other than what TV told me.

Imagine there's a man in your brain who's job is to switch your train of thought from one subject to another. When you're at work he switches your thoughts to work, if you're in danger he allows you to think of how to get out, you if think of something nasty he can push it aside, setc.

Now imagine that man keeps falling asleep on the job. Worse, sometimes he switches to a negative thought first and then falls asleep.

Now you can't control your own thoughts. You linger on a negative "what if" scenario for hours, whether you like it or not. It's intrusive, and incredibly overwhelming. Sometimes it makes you obsess over tiny things, like Wilson with his laces, as if it's become a compulsion. Hence, obsessive-compulsive.

It can manifest in different ways. Sometimes it stems from a fear, like a fear of fire causing a sufferer to obsessively think about the agony of burning to death for days. Or it might manifest in silly habits, like cleaning an airport terminal. The man in your brain puts that thought up, and doesn't remove it.

The type of thoughts, the frequency, the degree of compulsion, the way it manifests, are all different for different sufferers at different times.
 

aufheben

#Norris4Fox
Jan 31, 2013
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Imagine there's a man in your brain who's job is to switch your train of thought from one subject to another. When you're at work he switches your thoughts to work, if you're in danger he allows you to think of how to get out, you if think of something nasty he can push it aside, setc.

Now imagine that man keeps falling asleep on the job. Worse, sometimes he switches to a negative thought first and then falls asleep.

Now you can't control your own thoughts. You linger on a negative "what if" scenario for hours, whether you like it or not. It's intrusive, and incredibly overwhelming. Sometimes it makes you obsess over tiny things, like Wilson with his laces, as if it's become a compulsion. Hence, obsessive-compulsive.

It can manifest in different ways. Sometimes it stems from a fear, like a fear of fire causing a sufferer to obsessively think about the agony of burning to death for days. Or it might manifest in silly habits, like cleaning an airport terminal. The man in your brain puts that thought up, and doesn't remove it.

The type of thoughts, the frequency, the degree of compulsion, the way it manifests, are all different for different sufferers at different times.
I worked at a gas station in high school (yes, pumping your own gas is illegal in New Jersey). I’d be left alone from about 6-9PM, and had to close up every night. They also did car repairs there, and for sake of convenience they’d leave all the cars unlocked with the keys in the ignition during working hours. The cars they were still repairing went on one side of the lot, and the finished cars the other. You know how long this process took me every night? One f***ing hour. Now keep in mind I’m not talking about 500 cars, I’m talking about like 10-15. Every car I had to make sure the windows were all up. I’d press the lock button until it beeped 4 times. Then I’d jiggle every single door handle 4 times twice. The cars with no automatic windows or remote locking would literally take me like 10 minutes. I still do this every day. Not just with cars, with literally anything that can be closed or left open. I don’t even cook with an oven after the sun sets because the process of turning off a gas stove is so exhausting it’s not even worth it. For 10 years, before bed, I would take a picture on my phone of all my valuables on the bedside, i.e. wallet, watch, debit cards, whatever. Psychiatry has helped a lot but it never really goes away.
 

BOS358

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Jul 20, 2017
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I remember meeting him a few times through mutual friends, he's actually a really great guy and never knew this about him. He's one of those guys I always hoped the best for.

I was friendly with him when he was at BU. I remember when he was a freshman, he was a little "off," for lack of a better word, but freshmen are always trying to find their way to fit in on the team. Also, he was worried about the NHL draft and world juniors and all of that. As a sophomore, he looked like one of the guys and even had the coveted role of "locker room music guy." No, I wasn't on the team (I had graduated, but still knew a lot of the players,) but I saw him enough and he looked like he was the most ready to become a famous athlete. Whatever signs showed themselves in the locker room were probably dismissed as "typical hockey player quirks." Everybody has them and they make no sense to non-players. If anything, the other guys think you're crazy if you don't have them.

But what did I know? Clearly nothing. I had my own struggles with anxiety and was getting mental health treatment for three years. I've never been one to spill my guts about any illness, physical or mental, but a lot of people said the same thing of "I had no idea, I would have never been able to know." You become really good at "faking it" until the illness consumes you.

Based on my own experiences, not much of what he wrote surprises me. The only thing that stuck out to me was that he was so worried about injuries. I didn't remember him getting hurt at all and he played in the vast majority of games. Judging by the numbers, I'm guessing the only ones he missed were for World Juniors.

Whatever, I'm glad he got help. That's all that really matters.
 
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Dicky113

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Oct 30, 2007
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I found this article quite dangerous to be honest. He is sharing his experience which is fine, but it is being presented like conventional medicine failed him and the only way he found to cope was alternative plants. However, the drugs he was prescribed were not effective OCD treatments. They were a bandaid on the symptoms, not regulating the chemical imbalance in his brain that was causing them. I truly hope people reading this that have similar issues understand that there are many, safe, very effective medical treatments for this disorder that can keep it well under control. These are not addictive, and not horse tranquilizers. Everyone certainly has the right to seek out alternative natural remedies, but people should not be under the illusion that this is a last ditch effort for an incurable disease. This is one of the most easily treated mental health disorders out there. It’s a shame he didn’t seek out or receive good medical advice earlier, it would have saved him a world of pain and misery.
 

Dekes For Days

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This is one of the most easily treated mental health disorders out there.
There is truth in the rest of your post, but this isn't true. Traditional medicine and therapy can really help, but OCD is not an easily-treated mental health disorder, and you don't just go get "cured" and everything is fine. The understanding of OCD, even in medical circles, is still extremely limited and filled with misconceptions. It impacts people and manifests in so many countless different ways, and effective treatment combinations that work for one person do not automatically work for everybody else.
 

RobBrown4PM

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Oct 12, 2009
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No offense i am just curious but is that related to OCD? a lot of people have messed up thoughts. Not really 100 percent sure how the condition works other than what TV told me.

They're terrible thoughts to which suddenly and without explanation pop into your mind. You don't want these thoughts, and you know you would never do anything to act on them, but you can't get your brain to stop focusing on them and replaying them in your mind.

Quite frankly, they suck and I would not wish them on my worst enemy.
 

Dicky113

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Oct 30, 2007
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There is truth in the rest of your post, but this isn't true. Traditional medicine and therapy can really help, but OCD is not an easily-treated mental health disorder, and you don't just go get "cured" and everything is fine. The understanding of OCD, even in medical circles, is still extremely limited and filled with misconceptions. It impacts people and manifests in so many countless different ways, and effective treatment combinations that work for one person do not automatically work for everybody else.
No mental health disorder is easy to treat, so my wording was not the best. What I meant was as far as mental health disorders go, this is one of the better known, easily treatable. You are correct that no one treatment works for everyone, and it took me personally several years of trial and error to find the right treatment, but eventually most people do find a medical treatment that makes it manageable. Flare ups occur, and nothing about it is “easy”, but as someone living with it for more than 30 years and having been effectively treated for more than 20, the idea that horse tranquilizers are the only medically sound option for treatment is ridiculous and dangerous for those looking for help, that was my point.

My main point is that people should talk to a doctor before resorting to holistic healers if they want the best chance to deal with this. It feels to me like Colin Wilson kind of skipped the first part which made his journey a lot more difficult than it might have needed to be. At any rate, I’m glad he has found peace now.
 

Dekes For Days

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What I meant was as far as mental health disorders go, this is one of the better known, easily treatable.
I just don't really understand what you're basing this claim on. Everything I know suggests basically the complete opposite. OCD research is in its relative infancy. It's one of the least understood and hardest to treat, because it takes so many different forms and effective treatments vary so widely, depending on the individual.
the idea that horse tranquilizers are the only medically sound option for treatment is ridiculous and dangerous for those looking for help, that was my point. My main point is that people should talk to a doctor before resorting to holistic healers if they want the best chance to deal with this.
I don't think this article is really suggesting that horse tranquilizers are the only option, but yes, doctors and medicine should definitely be part of the process before resorting to alternative methods, and most people should be able to find a treatment plan that at least improves their situation.
 

SlowShot

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Aug 19, 2007
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No mental health disorder is easy to treat, so my wording was not the best. What I meant was as far as mental health disorders go, this is one of the better known, easily treatable. You are correct that no one treatment works for everyone, and it took me personally several years of trial and error to find the right treatment, but eventually most people do find a medical treatment that makes it manageable. Flare ups occur, and nothing about it is “easy”, but as someone living with it for more than 30 years and having been effectively treated for more than 20, the idea that horse tranquilizers are the only medically sound option for treatment is ridiculous and dangerous for those looking for help, that was my point.

My main point is that people should talk to a doctor before resorting to holistic healers if they want the best chance to deal with this. It feels to me like Colin Wilson kind of skipped the first part which made his journey a lot more difficult than it might have needed to be. At any rate, I’m glad he has found peace now.

Can you describe some of these safer ways to treat OCD. From my experience doctors mainly prescribe Benzos or an SNRI. Both of these options are proven to contribute to short memory loss and other health issues.

Prescribed drugs work great in the short term, but are a poor longterm plan IMO. Mushrooms have helped me in the long term far more then anything the doctor has ever prescribed me.
 

Dicky113

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Oct 30, 2007
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Can you describe some of these safer ways to treat OCD. From my experience doctors mainly prescribe Benzos or an SNRI. Both of these options are proven to contribute to short memory loss and other health issues.

Prescribed drugs work great in the short term, but are a poor longterm plan IMO. Mushrooms have helped me in the long term far more then anything the doctor has ever prescribed me.
SNRI are typically quite effective for many people. It can take a lot of trial and error to find the right one, and strangely one can work for a while and then become ineffective which can be frustrating, but new drugs are coming out every day and they keep getting better. I have been on them for 20 years and haven’t developed short term... um... what were we talking about again?
 
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RobBrown4PM

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Can you describe some of these safer ways to treat OCD. From my experience doctors mainly prescribe Benzos or an SNRI. Both of these options are proven to contribute to short memory loss and other health issues.

Prescribed drugs work great in the short term, but are a poor longterm plan IMO. Mushrooms have helped me in the long term far more then anything the doctor has ever prescribed me.

CBT can help a lot of people if they put the effort into it.
 
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