OT: Relationship Advice Thread

[Machinehead]

You have a dog too.

The dog died

 

[Ghost of jas]

Realized Roo and I were getting way OT in the roster building thread and didn’t want to derail it.

Odd thread, perhaps, but we can all always learn and improve - whether it’s just talking to the opposite sex, getting through tough times or keeping the magic alive throughout the years.

I myself just got engaged (once divorced) and I know that I’m always open to hearing from members of long, happy, healthy marriages on what’s worked for them.

Where to start...33 years in November. The biggest part of making a relationship work is just that...work. It's going to take effort and compromise along the way. One of the most important parts of a relationship is focusing on what's most important in your mind. Is this person worth making the necessary sacrifice for? For me, the answer was easy, I am a better person because of my relationship with my wife, and that's what remains most important. Also, don't be afraid of adversity. The old axiom is true, what doesn't 'kill' us, makes us stronger. The more problems my wife and I overcame, the stronger our relationship grew.

But, most important, and this goes for all relationships, is trust. Nothing is harder to regain than trust. And trust comes in so many forms. It's not just about not sleeping around. It's knowing that you can rely on each other judgment, or that you're simply there for each other.

One other note...while I was clearly attracted to my wife before we got together, we built a friendship first, and then let nature get involved.

 

[Ghost of jas]

I have a cat

One cat? Piker.

 

[Roo Returns]

I have a similar relationship. I won't get into specifics but I have very little dating experience and decided to splurge on an up to $5,000 matchmaking service (up to because you can cancel before all of the dates expire and get part of your money back). In the end, I've been on dates with, I think 10 girls (might be 9), and have 3 more to go (I got a free date because of a bad experience with one that wasn't my fault). Anyway, I haven't really hit it off with any except one...my matchmaker. The problem is she's 10 years older than me (not something that's THAT big of a deal), she's 43 and I'm 33. She has 5 kids (a bit tougher) and she lives in Virginia, while I live in NYC. I would like to date her but she doesn't want to do long-distance and she doesn't want to date a younger guy because she thinks he'll want children and she doesn't. Anyway, I've never met her but this has been the best relationship of my life despite it being 100% platonic (I mean I've had no choice). My assumption is it'll stay platonic. But we both love each other as friends and it has really helped my confidence with women. Something I always lacked. I'd like to think it also helped me in communication with women. I honestly was so stressed out during Covid in the beginning and her calming influence helped me get through it and I'd like to think I have helped her when she was down. I wouldn't trade this relationship for anything.

@SnowblindNYR I wanted to respond last night when I saw this (was 3 AM and I spent four hours learning GarageBand to help edit a song I created for a friend's Podcast I "work on").

All I can tell you is be very careful and guarded in your feelings. If you're going to develop feelings for her moreso than already exist that's fine but know the outcome and expectations. I've been down that road before. When I was younger I had feelings for someone of a very different religion from mine. That kind of stuff doesn't matter to me but ultimately a person has to choose to play it safe and please family, or risk more. This girl ended up in a semi-arranged marriage (it was more like hey here are 5-6 guys around your age in your community who make money, talk to them and pick one). It was very hard for me. We actually haven't seen each other since 2000 and we have mutual friends on FB but there is no point to that friendship.

If it helps you, write down how you feel or take the positives out of it. And also it depends if you want children or not. I know it's kind of a "silly" convo or not something guys (at least my crews I grew up with) like talking about, but when you get to a certain age its like "hey, do I want kids? Does my partner want kids?"

 

[GoAwayPanarin]

Where to start...3333 years in November. The biggest part of making a relationship work is just that...work. It's going to take effort and compromise along the way. One of the most important parts of a relationship is focusing on what's most important in your mind. Is this person worth making the necessary sacrifice for? For me, the answer was easy, I am a better person because of my relationship with my wife, and that's what remains most important. Also, don't be afraid of adversity. The old axiom is true, what doesn't 'kill' us, makes us stronger. The more problems my wife and I overcame, the stronger our relationship grew.

But, most important, and this goes for all relationships, is trust. Nothing is harder to regain than trust. And trust comes in so many forms. It's not just about not sleeping around. It's knowing that you can rely on each other judgment, or that you're simply there for each other.

One other note...while I was clearly attracted to my wife before we got together, we built a friendship first, and then let nature get involved.

fixed

 

[Roo Returns]

I'm not a fan of the psychological games and chase and attraction messing and all that submarine stuff, but I've just seen it first hand it work so often so if I come off as a cynic, that's why. One of my closest friends is a master of it. He has this way and charisma of teasing girls and being a good guy but "just enough of an alpha" that the girl is always eating out of his hands. His current g/f she's cool and we get along and if he were to tell her he wants to run for President, she'd be all in. Then there are my friends who are NY Finance guys and do the whole alpha shtick and are masters. Last girl I liked I mentioned we became very good friends and even before that switch went off in my brain from friend to wanting more, she was in something that did't work out before we knew each other that ended very ugly and I was always trying to just be me to her. I would hope I gave her enough space (I definitely did) and show her enough of who I am w/o the games and B/S that its like "you know, this guy has your back and will treat you well."

Here's an interesting one: what do y'all look for in someone else? I've had some really funny convos with people over the years where they're like "oh you should date a Rangers fan or someone who likes the same music as you." I think thats very third grade.

I'm all about someone who has goals and wants to achieve and better themselves in our time on this planet. Start a podcast, direct a movie, start a YouTube channel, chair a seminar, etc. I like fitness and someone who is going to take care of themselves. Not be like a maniac but just someone who enjoys running/hiking/lifting/whatever and who likes trying new foods and new ways to eat well. And someone who isn't a pushover and is not afraid to call me out on my BS. And a little bit of nerd. I think teams and music it's all secondary. Just have a good heart and be open.

 

[Ghost of jas]

fixed

Does.Not.Fail.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

@SnowblindNYR I wanted to respond last night when I saw this (was 3 AM and I spent four hours learning GarageBand to help edit a song I created for a friend's Podcast I "work on").

All I can tell you is be very careful and guarded in your feelings. If you're going to develop feelings for her moreso than already exist that's fine but know the outcome and expectations. I've been down that road before. When I was younger I had feelings for someone of a very different religion from mine. That kind of stuff doesn't matter to me but ultimately a person has to choose to play it safe and please family, or risk more. This girl ended up in a semi-arranged marriage (it was more like hey here are 5-6 guys around your age in your community who make money, talk to them and pick one). It was very hard for me. We actually haven't seen each other since 2000 and we have mutual friends on FB but there is no point to that friendship.

If it helps you, write down how you feel or take the positives out of it. And also it depends if you want children or not. I know it's kind of a "silly" convo or not something guys (at least my crews I grew up with) like talking about, but when you get to a certain age its like "hey, do I want kids? Does my partner want kids?"

I'm ok with just being friends. I do think that when I get into a relationship I may have to tone it down a bit. I don't think that the only relationship with a woman that has a point is a romantic one. I don't think there's anything wrong with just being good friends. Especially currently as I'm single.

 

[eco's bones]

The dog died

oh no.

 

[Machinehead]

oh no.

Well he was 17 so I can't feel too ripped off

 

[Machinehead]

I'm not a fan of the psychological games and chase and attraction messing and all that submarine stuff, but I've just seen it first hand it work so often so if I come off as a cynic, that's why. One of my closest friends is a master of it. He has this way and charisma of teasing girls and being a good guy but "just enough of an alpha" that the girl is always eating out of his hands. His current g/f she's cool and we get along and if he were to tell her he wants to run for President, she'd be all in. Then there are my friends who are NY Finance guys and do the whole alpha shtick and are masters. Last girl I liked I mentioned we became very good friends and even before that switch went off in my brain from friend to wanting more, she was in something that did't work out before we knew each other that ended very ugly and I was always trying to just be me to her. I would hope I gave her enough space (I definitely did) and show her enough of who I am w/o the games and B/S that its like "you know, this guy has your back and will treat you well."

Here's an interesting one: what do y'all look for in someone else? I've had some really funny convos with people over the years where they're like "oh you should date a Rangers fan or someone who likes the same music as you." I think thats very third grade.

I'm all about someone who has goals and wants to achieve and better themselves in our time on this planet. Start a podcast, direct a movie, start a YouTube channel, chair a seminar, etc. I like fitness and someone who is going to take care of themselves. Not be like a maniac but just someone who enjoys running/hiking/lifting/whatever and who likes trying new foods and new ways to eat well. And someone who isn't a pushover and is not afraid to call me out on my BS. And a little bit of nerd. I think teams and music it's all secondary. Just have a good heart and be open.

The best relationship I've had, we actually had very little in common at all in terms of interests. It was more of a personal connection. And because of that it required very little effort from either of us to share in each other's interest and take turns doing each other's stuff because being with the other person was what you could look forward to.

No matter what it was, everything we did together was fun. Everything. That's more or less what I'm looking for.

 

[eco's bones]

Well he was 17 so I can't feel too ripped off

I've been through that a number of times. I hate that.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

The best relationship I've had, we actually had very little in common at all in terms of interests. It was more of a personal connection. And because of that it required very little effort from either of us to share in each other's interest and take turns doing each other's stuff because being with the other person was what you could look forward to.

No matter what it was, everything we did together was fun. Everything. That's more or less what I'm looking for.

I think having common interests is overrated. Having common values is way more important.

 

[Machinehead]

I think having common interests is overrated. Having common values is way more important.

She got me a Rangers thing for my 23rd birthday. She couldn't name one player on the team but she went out of her way to get it because it was important to me. That's the kinda shit I like in a girl.

We went our separate ways romantically for, you know, reasons, but we're still friends and I still have that gift.

 

[Leonardo87]

I did the marriage thing, was a bad marriage, no kids, won’t do it again. Was depressed for awhile but learned I like my life being single with the freedom to date or meet up with whoever I want, travel whenever, and do whatever I want. I would not be able to do those things if I was married with kids. I don’t regret it and am happy now.

@Kupo cheers dude! I know the feeling.

 

[bobbop]

Genesis 2:24...Two shall become one flesh.

Respect each other, respect the relationship and understand that the only win is a shared win. A relationship has to be an all in thing. You can’t pick and choose.

45 years this September and still working at it.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Sometimes listening to married men talk about relationships sounds like they run a marathon every day. "It is such an excruciating process of hard work, torture, and agony".

 

[Trxjw]

Sometimes listening to married men talk about relationships sounds like they run a marathon every day. "It is such an excruciating process of hard work, torture, and agony".

Listening to people talk about their relationships is a lot like reading reviews of products online; People feel compelled to talk about the bad parts more than the good ones. I'm almost 37, so most of my friends are married or in long-term relationships, but listening to them individually you'd think that not a single one of them is happy in their situation. I know that some of them aren't, but most of them are and just need to vent when they have the opportunity.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Listening to people talk about their relationships is a lot like reading reviews of products online; People feel compelled to talk about the bad parts more than the good ones. I'm almost 37, so most of my friends are married or in long-term relationships, but listening to them individually you'd think that not a single one of them is happy in their situation. I know that some of them aren't, but most of them are and just need to vent when they have the opportunity.

I find that this is true in everything about everyone. When I was in business school all everyone did was bitch about classmates. But most people made very good friendships and liked each other.

 

[Trxjw]

I find that this is true in everything about everyone. When I was in business school all everyone did was bitch about classmates. But most people made very good friendships and liked each other.

Yup, it's just part of our nature at this point. People like to voice their grievances and people typically are more interested in hearing about "dirt" than anything else.

 

[SnowblindNYR]

Yup, it's just part of our nature at this point. People like to voice their grievances and people typically are more interested in hearing about "dirt" than anything else.

Yeah, "John is a great guy" is boring.

 

[Ghost of jas]

Sometimes listening to married men talk about relationships sounds like they run a marathon every day. "It is such an excruciating process of hard work, torture, and agony".

Speaking only for myself, I know there is hard work, but, the reward is always greater. To me, it's more of a warning. Relationships are not easy. But, most things are not achieved easily. And, you still have to work to maintain a healthy relationship. I just try to be honest with people who ask. But, I'm also the type of person who will just put my head down and grind through. I switched jobs four years ago because my wife and I had a plan to make our retirement years a lot more rewarding. In the short term, it meant working an extra job, and for us to cut back on a lot things. It was tough a lot of the time, but, now, we're on the other side and the rewards are already coming in. There's a lot of cliches, but, most of them exist for a reason.

 

[Fireonk]

Listening to people talk about their relationships is a lot like reading reviews of products online; People feel compelled to talk about the bad parts more than the good ones. I'm almost 37, so most of my friends are married or in long-term relationships, but listening to them individually you'd think that not a single one of them is happy in their situation. I know that some of them aren't, but most of them are and just need to vent when they have the opportunity.

Venting is a big part since when you are with your significant other there are certain things you are holding back for various reasons. When they aren't there you can blow some steam. But also, it would be a little annoying if people spent their time bragging to their single friends about all the things they could be missing out on.

 

[Edge]

Find someone who understands and accepts you, and vice versa.

Looks will change, circumstances will change, both people in the relationship will change.

But do you genuinely like being around that person? Do you accept their flaws and can you live with their flaws? Can they do the same for you?

Having things in common, things that you like doing together. I think it's also very important to have an identity beyond your relationship with that person. Have other friends, have activities you do separately. You can be best friends, but you shouldn't be each others only friends.

Communicate, communicate, communicate, and, oh yeah, communicate.

I am amazed at how many couples I see who don't communicate. They "think" they do, but they don't. They don't know why something bothers the other person. They don't check in on the other person. In many ways, they don't know anything about each other.

Your relationship can't be a drug where you just look to get high all the time and forget about your worries by having a good time. You gotta deal with the come-downs. You need to know if your worldviews align, or if your styles are truly compatible.

A lot of people are so afraid to be alone, that they don't even know the person they're with. Hopes, dreams, fears, etc. What matters to your S.O.? What are their opinions and beliefs?

Sometimes you have to do an honest evaluation of yourself and the person you're with. There are a lot of people out there who are not cut out for long-term relationships. But they shoe-horn themselves into one because they view the alternative as "ending up alone and with nothing." That's not a good reason to be with someone.

Likewise, sometimes we have a tendency to be so infatuated with someone, or the concept of what we want that person to be, that we overlook some serious warning signs. You have to go keep your eyes open, and sometimes you have to listen to those nagging doubts that don't go away.

As your go down a path together, you have to maintain some flexibility. Rigid structures crack when under pressure because there's nothing to give. Things will evolve with time, that's the way of the world. Evolution is the story of mankind, and thus the story of both men and women. It's how one adapts to change that dictates their ability to thrive within it.

 

[True Blue]

One of the more important things is that you each has to continue to cultivate your own hobbies. While it is certainly very important to do things together, but you also need to be comfortable with doing what you want on your own.

As Edge points out, communicate, communicate, communicate