What to do with a kid whose heart just isn't in to hockey...

[oldunclehue]

Consider counseling. Seriously. The problem isn't hockey.

Really? Horrible take on this. I give Yukon all the praise in the world for how he is handling and discussing the situation. If you are not a hockey parent or involved in minor hockey this is FAR from the norm of how most hockey parents would go about the situation. I've been involved in hockey my whole life and seen dads and moms do some things I couldn't understand. I can understand it to a degree, you invest thousands of dollars, time, effort and your son/daughter seems indifferent to the sport or actually has no interest in it. Its a bit deflating.

Coming on here to speak to others and seek experience and understanding is a great thing to do, not many avenues to do that in the world.

At the end of the day Yukon, you made it through the season, tried outside thinking to see if anyone else had experience in how to grow a passion for the game in your son and now you have 6 months or more to guide your boy towards a sport he will have a passion for.

My 2011 boy is much like my wife....(she played NCAA), he LOVES the sport but doesn't outwardly show that passion, he is a calm and easygoing kid. Whereas I was and still am an excitable person who shows a lot of emotion. It took me a couple years to realize just because my son isn't bouncing off the walls excited to go to hockey doesn't mean he doesn't love the sport. Now he drags me to the rink at every opportunity to skate and I just tell him I'm proud of what he's doing.

 

[GoldenSeal]

Really? Horrible take on this. I give Yukon all the praise in the world for how he is handling and discussing the situation. If you are not a hockey parent or involved in minor hockey this is FAR from the norm of how most hockey parents would go about the situation. I've been involved in hockey my whole life and seen dads and moms do some things I couldn't understand. I can understand it to a degree, you invest thousands of dollars, time, effort and your son/daughter seems indifferent to the sport or actually has no interest in it. Its a bit deflating.

Coming on here to speak to others and seek experience and understanding is a great thing to do, not many avenues to do that in the world.

At the end of the day Yukon, you made it through the season, tried outside thinking to see if anyone else had experience in how to grow a passion for the game in your son and now you have 6 months or more to guide your boy towards a sport he will have a passion for.

My 2011 boy is much like my wife....(she played NCAA), he LOVES the sport but doesn't outwardly show that passion, he is a calm and easygoing kid. Whereas I was and still am an excitable person who shows a lot of emotion. It took me a couple years to realize just because my son isn't bouncing off the walls excited to go to hockey doesn't mean he doesn't love the sport. Now he drags me to the rink at every opportunity to skate and I just tell him I'm proud of what he's doing.

I stand by my post. Children go through a lot of things and pressure we don’t see is pressure they may feel.

Adults make judgement calls on how/why children react as they do, but who is sitting down with the =child= to see what their problem is?

A child’s mental and emotional well-being is more important than anything, including hockey.

There is NOTHING WRONG with sitting down with a trained and experienced counselor to figure things out.

Don’t be part of the problem, be a part of the child’s solution.

 

[oldunclehue]

I stand by my post. Children go through a lot of things and pressure we don’t see is pressure they may feel.

Adults make judgement calls on how/why children react as they do, but who is sitting down with the =child= to see what their problem is?

A child’s mental and emotional well-being is more important than anything, including hockey.

There is NOTHING WRONG with sitting down with a trained and experienced counselor to figure things out.

Don’t be part of the problem, be a part of the child’s solution.

Then maybe explain that better in your post instead of just telling the OP to go to counselling.

I agree that maybe the son would benefit from a child counsellor to understand better his reaction/indifference to the sport, but we don't have enough information to just say that is the case. Do we know if he has passion/loves other parts of competition, shows that in other was elsewhere?

Sorry for the misunderstanding as to what you meant.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Really? Horrible take on this. I give Yukon all the praise in the world for how he is handling and discussing the situation. If you are not a hockey parent or involved in minor hockey this is FAR from the norm of how most hockey parents would go about the situation. I've been involved in hockey my whole life and seen dads and moms do some things I couldn't understand. I can understand it to a degree, you invest thousands of dollars, time, effort and your son/daughter seems indifferent to the sport or actually has no interest in it. Its a bit deflating.

Coming on here to speak to others and seek experience and understanding is a great thing to do, not many avenues to do that in the world.

At the end of the day Yukon, you made it through the season, tried outside thinking to see if anyone else had experience in how to grow a passion for the game in your son and now you have 6 months or more to guide your boy towards a sport he will have a passion for.

My 2011 boy is much like my wife....(she played NCAA), he LOVES the sport but doesn't outwardly show that passion, he is a calm and easygoing kid. Whereas I was and still am an excitable person who shows a lot of emotion. It took me a couple years to realize just because my son isn't bouncing off the walls excited to go to hockey doesn't mean he doesn't love the sport. Now he drags me to the rink at every opportunity to skate and I just tell him I'm proud of what he's doing.

Hey thanks for the kind words. I know I'm far from a perfect father, but I'm trying to do my best.

We actually have contemplated taking Joe Jr to counselling, but completely unrelated to hockey. I mean so what if he doesn't like hockey! Lot's of people don't. I have a nephew who played competently at hockey for several years, a lot longer than Joe Jr did, but it turned out his passion was theatre and that's what he pursued afterwards. In hindsight my sister-in-law would have been better pulling him from hockey much earlier.

As for showing passion - sounds like my 2012 middle kid. He can be very stoic (years ago, getting vaccinated, while his brothers all cried he just calmly said "ouch"). But I can read him - just a little half smile after a hockey game means he's thrilled.

 

[ChuckLefley]

Really? Horrible take on this. I give Yukon all the praise in the world for how he is handling and discussing the situation. If you are not a hockey parent or involved in minor hockey this is FAR from the norm of how most hockey parents would go about the situation. I've been involved in hockey my whole life and seen dads and moms do some things I couldn't understand. I can understand it to a degree, you invest thousands of dollars, time, effort and your son/daughter seems indifferent to the sport or actually has no interest in it. Its a bit deflating.

Coming on here to speak to others and seek experience and understanding is a great thing to do, not many avenues to do that in the world.

At the end of the day Yukon, you made it through the season, tried outside thinking to see if anyone else had experience in how to grow a passion for the game in your son and now you have 6 months or more to guide your boy towards a sport he will have a passion for.

My 2011 boy is much like my wife....(she played NCAA), he LOVES the sport but doesn't outwardly show that passion, he is a calm and easygoing kid. Whereas I was and still am an excitable person who shows a lot of emotion. It took me a couple years to realize just because my son isn't bouncing off the walls excited to go to hockey doesn't mean he doesn't love the sport. Now he drags me to the rink at every opportunity to skate and I just tell him I'm proud of what he's doing.

The issue is that you have to take his posts here with his other threads. He has talked at length about how over the top he is when it comes to his kids and hockey. This one seems to be better, but do yourself a favor and go look at his other threads about his kids here,

 

[oldunclehue]

The issue is that you have to take his posts here with his other threads. He has talked at length about how over the top he is when it comes to his kids and hockey. This one seems to be better, but do yourself a favor and go look at his other threads about his kids here,

Ahh Ok, I'm new to this thread, I just discovered it.

I'll keep that in mind.

But U11AAA Extended tournament here this weekend. Excited to see the kids back together as a team after 2 years of Covid shut it down.

 

[Akrapovince]

I was this kid.

When I was older, say about 13-14 is when I really appreciated what my parents have done for me.

So many good memories, and it’s a skill set that is fun at the outdoor rink. It’s never fun to do something and not be goof at it.

Listen, he probably will be like this regardless if he’s playing soccer, football, or martial arts. At the end of the day, I think of it like playing an instrument. There is going to be times where you don’t want to do it or you aren’t passionate about it, but later on in life you’re going to appreciate it.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Argh!

Mrs Joe is talking about registering Joe Jr for hockey next year! Nooo!

Apparently she asked him about playing next year and he said "maybe". She feels (and on this I agree) he was just tiered too high last year for his ability/drive.

But I need more than a "maybe" from the kid to put him back in hockey. If he shows a passion for it then of course we do it again. But I don't see it. Even now in summer his brothers will play mini-sticks, one of them likes going through his hockey cards, they'll play NHL on the PS4 - Joe Jr does none of this. Which (as I've said many times) is fine - he doesn't need to play hockey to earn my love.

Hopefully I expressed my opinion strongly enough to put an end to that, but Mrs Joe can be pretty determined when she has her mind made up about something...

 

[DingerMcSlapshot]

If he doesn't want to be there he shouldn't be there.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Deadline for hockey registration is coming up. Mrs Joe asked Joe Jr to come to the living room, asked him if he wanted to play hockey next year: zero, once or twice per week (already kind of a loaded question).

He said "Nah", he didn't want to play hockey.

Oh thank God. He wants to do swimming and martial arts, so that's what we'll do. I just want him to be happy.


Although on a side note... middle kid had a buddy over for a sleepover. Mrs Joe and I were woken up at 7am to middle kid and his friend playing road hockey. Discussed with friend's mom about signing friend up for hockey next year. We'll see. It's obviously up to that kid and his mom and dad, but even at being a 2012 kid just starting out in hockey if he has a passion for it I hope they go for it. He'll almost certainly tier low, but who cares. And if his parents don't want to feed the minor hockey beast, I totally understand that as well.

 

[May Day 10]

My 2013 kid loves hockey. He wants to do it all the time. A few years ago, he would ask to skip a practice every blue moon and I would let him. He hasnt asked in over a year. Last Spring/Summer he hit a wall and wanted to concentrate on baseball so he took about 6 weeks off. This Spring/Summer he wants any hockey we can find.

My 2015 girl wasnt all gung ho about hockey. I think she did it because 2013 played and it was just the thing you were supposed to do. She was an OK skater. Toward the end of last season (20-21) she wasn't liking getting up and going. We left it up to her to play hockey, she wasnt sure, so we didnt sign her up if it wasnt something she "wanted" to do.
It was a mission to find something she clicked with. She ended up doing piano and swimming. She enjoys those. She also joined a Soccer team at her school this Spring and she loves that too.

 

[Yukon Joe]

My 2013 kid loves hockey. He wants to do it all the time. A few years ago, he would ask to skip a practice every blue moon and I would let him. He hasnt asked in over a year. Last Spring/Summer he hit a wall and wanted to concentrate on baseball so he took about 6 weeks off. This Spring/Summer he wants any hockey we can find.

My 2015 girl wasnt all gung ho about hockey. I think she did it because 2013 played and it was just the thing you were supposed to do. She was an OK skater. Toward the end of last season (20-21) she wasn't liking getting up and going. We left it up to her to play hockey, she wasnt sure, so we didnt sign her up if it wasnt something she "wanted" to do.
It was a mission to find something she clicked with. She ended up doing piano and swimming. She enjoys those. She also joined a Soccer team at her school this Spring and she loves that too.

I continue to think that if a kid has no strong preferences one way or another it's OK to just put them in an activity and see if they like it - like you did with your daughter and hockey.

A couple years ago I was head coach for Joe Jr's U7 team. There was one little girl out on the ice in the same boat as Joe Jr - her parents were big into hockey, her older brother was big into hockey. As a coach the parents were awesome. But I was pretty sure the little girl really had no interest in being out there, and sure enough last year ran into the parents who confirmed she wasn't playing anymore.

 

[Porter Stoutheart]

I continue to think that if a kid has no strong preferences one way or another it's OK to just put them in an activity and see if they like it - like you did with your daughter and hockey.

I would say after having lived through it all now... always err on the side of caution. Your kids will basically worship you and try to please you at younger ages, and no matter how much you think you are trying to let them choose their own path... they WILL pick up a different vibe than you think you are giving off.

Never enroll them unless they beg you, always put them in tryouts one level below what they can actually make. Never ever tell them how much it costs. Always tell them how much fun beer league is.

 

[patnyrnyg]

I know I am late to the party on this one, but I thought I was heading this way with my daughter. She is also a 2013. When she was 3, actually 2 about to turn 3, we put her in a soccer. It was a CYO program at a local church and it was great. Her coach was a teenager who was really into it and kept the kids engaged for the entire hour. Same the following spring. Then she started the 4 year old program the next fall and it was the complete opposite. She had a different coach and she seemed like she was there to socialize with the other coaches. Was supposed to be a half-hour practice followed by a half-hour game. Her practice was line up and take turns shooting on the goal. During the games, she was following the play, but not trying to get the ball, not very engaged. After about the 4th week I said to my wife, "I don't think she is into this at all." We asked her and she said she is not really having a good time. We had her finish the season and she wanted to try ice-skating. Did a year of lessons. Then, she wanted to try hockey so we put her in Jr Rangers Learn to Play. She loved it. Once a week for the first two sessions, then I put her in 2 x per week just to see how she handled it and loved it. Following year, did Jr Rangers Girls League, but due to Covid, turned into a girls in-house. She was 6 (turned 7 after it started) loved it but some of the other girls were ahead of her, and some were older (up to 14). But the older girls were also beginners. Then this past fall, she started house league. Again she said she loved it, was excited to go, but when it was time to play (1 game, 1 practice per week), during the games she was not engaged and I saw the same thing happening as did with soccer. As we drove home I would ask her if she had fun, what her favorite drill was, etc. She always said she was and I would say, "As long as you are having fun, I will keep brining you." But truth was, as an observer, she didn't see that into it. A few weeks in, during one of the games the coach had a kid stand in front of the net as a goalie. She took her turn, then a few other kids did. Coach asked, "Who wants to be the goalie?" She immediately raised her hand. Took another turn, then rotated out, and again the coach asked, "Who wants to be goalie this time?" Again raised her hand every time. After she said goalie was fun. Asked her if she wanted to try real goalie with goalie equipment, she said yes. Sent an email and the next week they had some goalie equipment for her to use at the game. Has been in the net since. This spring she played a spring travel league and loved it. Playing travel this fall and even puts on her pads to practice her butterfly a few nights per week in the basement. Everytime she comes off the ice, practice or game or now dryland, first thing I ask is if she had fun.
Point? Maybe ask if he wants to try goalie. I am pretty sure she volunteered because our rink was really cold and she would say at first, "My face isn't frozen when I play goalie.".

 

[Rodgerwilco]

Sounds like the kid just doesn't enjoy hockey, but felt pressured by you (and maybe Mrs. Joe) to play. Even though you thought you were giving him the option and relieving the pressure from him by telling him he doesn't have to go, you were possibly even increasing the pressure unknowingly and unintentionally.

As a youth football coach with no children of my own on my teams, I have seen dozens upon dozens of kids who sound just like yours. The dad coaches and the kid shows little-to-zero interest in the sport. The kid feels bad because he's not good enough and he's not improving, the dad feels bad because his son doesn't share his love of the sport and is constantly being reprimanded and being told the same thing over and over.

I've found the best indicator of how much a kid enjoys the sport is how actively they want to get better. If they're often utilizing coaching and actively seeking to improve, it's a safe bet.

Kids (mostly boys) know that their dads (especially coaching dads) want them to like the sport and be good, so they are torn between upsetting their parents by quitting and upsetting themselves by continuing to play. They know their father has an important job in coaching the team, and they know that they'll look bad if the dad shows up and has to constantly explain why he's not there.

 

[DougKnowsBest]

I have 2 sons.

1 son started playing hockey 12u (pewee house). Played house his entire career onto club jv. Is currently coaching and playing adult hockey. Enjoys going to blue jackets games with his old man.

1 son started playing hockey as a mite. Played 2 years and expressed no interest in continuing onto 8u. He enjoys going to blue jackets games with his old man and being able to skate.



My general vote is do what the kid wants to do. If you make them play a sport when they are 10-12 I guarantee they will quit eventually and resent the sport. I like that both my sons enjoy the sport of hockey and have no negative feelings attached to it. I know a lot of parents that tortured their kids over sports for no reason in the end.

 

[jetsmooseice]

Interesting to read the perspectives here.

My son is a 2013 and he is all in on hockey. He plays minor hockey, spring hockey and squeezes in some training sessions and camps here and there. He'd play every day if we let him. So no issues there.

My daughter, however is a (very late) 2015 and she is totally indifferent to ice sports. I put her into a ringette program thinking it might light a spark that could lead to hockey. It hasn't turned out that way, she would go to ringette and she'd engage in practices, do the drills and what not - always pretty well one of the slowest skaters on the ice - but when it came to actual games she'd just kind fade away and do her own thing. The ringette equivalent of the soccer kid picking dandelions on the field while the game is going on

We signed her up for another year of ringette, it's the final year of "intro" ringette which is a very low cost, low commitment kind of thing. If she gets into it this season then we'll keep chugging along with it. But if not, this will probably be it and we'll just put her in skating lessons in future years.

I don't mind if she doesn't continue with ringette as she has other interests like dance and piano. But I'm kind of hoping that she will get into it and keep playing. I have to admit that my son's passion for hockey is a tremendous bonding opportunity, in addition to his own hockey we love to go to games together, watch on TV, talk about it, etc. It's harder for me to pull that off with something like dance!