AlphaLackey
Registered User
"Hello, HFJets, you've tuned into American Top 40; this is your host, Casey Kasem. And now we're up to our long distance dedication.
This one comes from a poster on the HF Jets forum, and this is what he writes.
'Dear Casey, I'm next up to do a Game Day Thread for our game against Chicago, and it would mean a lot to me if you could help me with some pop-culture tie-ins, and play some music from Styx, given their association with the city of Chicago. You'd really be helping me out. Thanks, Alpha Lackey'.
*studio beep*
Casey: "Yeah, I got it, Don. I just don't get it though. Is it really necessary for this guy to try and tie in Styx on every Chicago game day thread? Like I know for a fact you had a Paradise Theater tie in years ago, and now you want to act like this is the ONLY GODDAMN BAND to EVER come from Chicago? Like they even HAVE A f***ING BAND whose ACTUAL f***ING NAME is 'Chicago' And this clown that written in like TWENTY TIMES, so I KNOW he could follow that up do yet another STUPID FIVE DOLLAR JOKE about a green chip blackjack in a Chicago casino paying "$25 at 6 to 4" BUT OH NO.. and where the ACTUAL f*** is the creme in my coffee?! Is that it?! Is Casey Kasem gonna have to choke a bi.."
(BTW, for those who didn't know the reference, Casey Kasem actually once did snap during a recording session, and it. Was. Epic.)
... okay, uh.. so Casey's just having a rest right now. Fortunately, I do have a plan B in place that will allow me to fulfill the requisite pop culture references while keeping the original tie in.. just let me adjust the set a bit..
*scuffle scuffle*
*cut from advert*
"Thank you, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, it is I, Ed McLackey, here to introduce our most esteemed guest. You know he has a BA, and an MA -- and he's a BMF besides -- and he's here to share his wisdom with us all.. let me introduce to you, Carnac the Magnificent!"
"And now, Carnac, I hold in my hand a number of envelopes, each containing a question. These envelopes have been hermetically sealed inside a mayonnaise jar on @sipowicz's front porch since noon today. NO ONE! knows the contents of these envelopes, yet you, in your mystical and divine and only margically suspect ways will divine the answers to these questions, having never seen them before; is that correct?"
Carnac: ".. I didn't know they were still paying TV hosts by the hour."
Ed: "On the contrary, we have absolutely no time to lose, the thread needs to go up in under an hour, so let's get right to the questions."
Carnac: "Yes, please do".
Ed: ".. remembering that each one has a tie in to Chicago's greatest arena rock band in history."
Carnac: ".. anything else?!"
Ed: "Not at all! Behold, the first envelope"
-----
(MAN OF MIRACLES)
Ed: ".. man of miracles"
Carnac *opens envelope*: "What did Brad Lauer change his job title to, once the power play finally f***ing scored?!"
Crowd: *groans*
Ed: "I don't think they appreciated your insight there, oh wise one."
Carnac: "Yes, that's exactly what I thought you'd say."
Ed: "The next envelope."
----
(THE GRAND ILLUSION)
Ed: "not 'My gran's delusion?'
Carnac: *stares icily*
Ed: "... right, right... 'the grand illusion'"
*Carnac opens envelope*
Carnac: "Describe Ville Heinola's chance of ever cracking the Jets lineup."
Crowd: *boos*
Carnac: "... this audience would lob a grenade at Bambi's mother."
Ed: "Perhaps your next bit of wisdom will cheer them up, oh divine one?"
-----
(EIGHT, SKATE, SEVEN ON THE ROTATE)
Ed: ".. are you sure that's not 'sit on it and rotate'?"
Carnac: "Would you like to switch? I'm sure this turban will fit even your head."
Ed: "Just making sure you divined it correctly, oh wise one."
Carnac: *goes to open envelope*
Ed: "Eight, skate, seven on the rotate."
*pause*
Carnac: *opens envelope* "How would a drunk Mike Lange call a Neil Pionk zone exit?"
-----
Ed: "I hold, in my hand, the final envelope"
*crowd roars with delight*
Carnac (to crowd): "May you spend eternity playing a road game against the Arizona Coyotes while Gary Bettman watches naked."
Ed: "HAWH!"
Carnac (to Ed): ".. and guess who's going to be his fluffer?"
Ed: ".. and you've foreseen this all, have you?"
Carnac: "Trust me, some things cannot be unforeseen."
Ed: ".. the final envelope"
(THE SERPENT IS RISING)
Carnac: *goes to open envelope*
Ed: "The serpent."
Carnac: *pauses*
Ed: ".. is rising"
Carnac: *opens envelope* "Describe what happens in Ed's pants when he sees Monahan set up Vilardi."
And now, with the pop culture requirements met, and Casey still sleeping it off, let's get this show on the road!
Here's hoping the Jets can put forth A GODDAMN CONCERTED EFFORT and we can take another two big points.
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