great job @5 Mins 4 Ftg . Seen this movie a couple of years ago. Worse thing is, this happened around this way a few years back
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With the Oilers on a 3 game heater, it was time to set off down south, deep into Hillbilly Country. To the Saddledump, a place that reeks of cow manure, where the sheep are all scared and the only thing shallower than the gene pool is the vocabulary and fashion sense, to play the inbreeds known as the Calgary Flames.
Driving south of Red Deer can be dangerous as the local Hillbillies, drunk on homemade moonshine made from rotting stinkweed and goat piss, will bolt across Highway 2 without warning, often causing damage to the team bus when hit head on.
So the team decided to avoid the road and take natures highway, canoeing to the heart of Hillbilly Country and hoping that this time the Saddledump would not itself be filled with water again.
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Because a serious lack of genetic diversity exists south of Red Deer, our intrepid adventurers did not realize that the backwoods of Hillbilly Country was where the evil inbred Hillbillies that played for the Flames made their homes.
The Oilers, unbenownst to them, were heading into the heart of genetically deficient evil.
It wasn't long before they passed by what looked like a hobbit hole in the riverbank, out of which came a small Hillbilly carrying a banjo. Moving to the porch and turning to face them, they saw it was none other than "Johnny Hockey" (TM) himself, barely peering over the railing.
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He began playing his banjo and watching them as they glided by in the water.
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Around the next bend they could hear crazed laughter. They slowed down and saw a cabin protruding from the woods made of snapped hockey sticks, duct tape and twine. Emerging out of the cabin was a longhaired unshaven toothless freak, no it was Chris Tanev!
It all made sense now, he didn't seem to fit in a progressive metropolis such as Vancouver, so he moved to the backwoods riverbanks of Hillbilly Country where he could eat small rodents and howl at the moon, fitting in with the others south of Red Deer.
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Chris shouted menacingly out to the Oilers "Ah'll sees ya on thuh aise tunite....ifin yuh git thar......." hyuck hyuck hyuck he laughed and went inside his homemade cabin to do God only knows what.
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This was somewhat menacing. The Oilers anticipated a quiet canoe trip to the Saddledump ending in a complete shellacking of the evil Hillbilly gang. They now knew they may have to fight their way there.
Sure enough, around the next bend standing on the riverbank was Sam Bennett, Milan Lucic and Zac Rinaldo, giving menacing stares and armed with rifles, trying to appear intimidating, although the giant diaper pins in their hats made them look more like the comedic jokes that they were on the ice.
Connor McDavid reached behind him where he kept his compound bow with which his Hermes-like speed, he could rifle off arrows faster than Legolas at Helm's Deep.
However while the evil Hillbillies were armed, they suddenly appeared to begin some sort of argument with each other.
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The Oilers sailed right by while the 3 of them argued with one another. Out of a gopher hole on the riverbank, Inbred Johnny appeared again, asking Milan a question. The Oilers carried on until the sorry sacks of shit were well behind them.
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Not long after the group paddled towards a bridge in the distance. Standing on the bridge was the most hated Hillbilly of them all, Ratboy, along with his piece of garbage brother from Ottawa. Ratboy and his brother stood on the bridge, far above the water and began jeering at the Oilers as they passed under, barely comprehensible as they were only capable of uttering words with one syllable and no more than 3 letters in each.
Kassian grinned, stood up in his canoe and pointed at Ratboy, who popped his head into his jersey and under his shoulder pads in what seems like a motor reflex action.
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Darnell Nurse and Mike Smith invited the brothers down to settle things like men however the inbred brothers of evil refused to budge, keeping their distance while staying on the bridge between them and the Oilers who when passing underneath had loogies hocked at them by the brothers above.
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They had almost made it to the Saddledump without serious incident! Soon they reached downtown Shelbybille, pulling up to the shoreline near a large cattlebarn that doubled as Shelbyville's finest hotel, the Oilers made landfall, without incident.
But standing right there by the barn/hotel beside the VIP outhouse, was their number one nemesis, the Hillbilly leader who is a big dumb f***er named Kneeordano
Now Kneeordano always seems to be injuring other players but claims "it wuz a axident" after the fact. Because of the lack of critical thinking in Hillbilly Country his excuse always seems plausible to them, and even admissible in Hillbilly Court.
The evil Hillbilly leader was with two of his stooges. One was Markstrom, who came over with toothless Tanev looking for backwoods glory, and Inbred Johnnies bestest of friends, Sean Monahan who has over the years has developed a unique skill of disappearing when the going gets tough.
The 3 were having a conversation about one of the many slew foots Kneeordano had done to players, or possibly the time where he stuck his knee out on McDavid, or possibly the time he grabbed McDavids feet out from under him. It was hard to tell exactly which with all the excuses Kneeordano was giving.
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McDavid quietly raised his bow......
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Off to the Saddledump where they could win the game and then get the hell out of that dump as fast as possible.
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One wonders though, how is it that with no fans allowed in the Saddledump were the Hillbillies fans ( who only own 1 color of shirt which doubled as asswipe when the toilet paper shortage hit ) going to see the game?
Well not to fear because the Hillbillies have a crack broadcast team.
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Thus ended the Oilers tale of Deliverance From Evil.
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Its a dumb title I know but I wasn't going with just Deliverance because in this tale none of our heroes die or get raped in the woods by the evil Flame Hillbillies.
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But wait.... We haven't yet told you about the tale of Revenge of the Kassians!
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Projected Lines
RNH - McDavid - Puljujarvi
Kahun - Draisaitl - Honey Badger
Neal - Haas - Kassian
Turris - McDrai- Archibald
Nurse - Bear
Barrie - Larsson
Russell - Bouchard
Lagesson
Koskinen and Pray
Balance
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Evil Hillbilly
Projected Lines
Ratboy Tkaturtle - Cletus Lindholm - Billy Ray Dube
Johnny Hobbit - Micah Monohan - Billy Bob Simon
Elrod Mangypane - Woody Backlund - Billy Joe Leivo
Jim Bob Lucic - Sam“Trade me right now”Bennett - Zac Thedildo
Kneeordano - Augustus Andersson
Bubba Hanifin - Bodean Tanev
Charlie Ray Valimaki - Delmont Nesterov
Buck Markstrom
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Game Day Music
DUELING BANJOS MEETS METAL by ERock
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Fearless Prediction
OILERS WIN
Balance Restored
Skip the Losses
500
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