Get out of the shower, here’s a mock draft. I don’t care what you think of the guestimated draft order, no lotteries were run, and the season is still simming, so it is what it is.
PART ONE - ROUND ONE
1. Red Wings – Alexis Lafreniere – no real question here, the next Nolan Patrick is on his way. About as boring a prediction as will be made in this thread, about as boring as the meaning of his name as well. “A place of ash trees”? What we making here, guitars for Motown records?
2. Rangers – Quinton Byfield – Really came up in the Byfield, get money, get life, or get killed. Now, how the eff it’s gone feel, when he starts touchin the mill’s? We ain’t got nothing but shells, we ain’t got nothing to tell, watch how the story unveil…. (Lyrics courtesy Nipsey Hussle)
3. Bruins – Marco Rossi – After fumbling around in the dark playing Marco Polo with his last few drafts and having to put St. Paddy Nolan in quarantine, Herr Bruins GM will endure a nightmare of knowing the best players available are not Canadian, but he needs another big scoring forward and he wants to stick to his tendencies – so at least he’ll draft a player playing in Canada. At least he’ll have lots to talk about with our Austrian GM.
4. Flyers – Tim Stutzle – The showers will be sticky for years after the Flyers draft another German kid. The last one worked out pretty well. This kid wow’s with his skills but does he score or create?
5. Blue Jackets – Lucas Raymond – With the development of Ty Smith, the Blue Jackets can shore up their forward depth and find a complementary winger for Kaapo Kakko. My sister's first love was a neighbor boy called Raymond. She was four. My mother even made her a stuffed toy bear which she called Raymond. It was blue. Still is, actually. I think my mother just repaired the bear's eyes as well. True story.
6. Oilers – Cole Perfetti – Explode the chads, snowflakes, and glitter, the Perfetti cannon is raining down the confetti, the ticker-tape parade is coming to Edmonton.
7. Maple Leafs – Jamie Drysdale – in an off-year for defenseman, this is the only sure thing going. He’ll fall just because others drafting ahead of him need scoring. I wanted to make some pun about Clydesdale horses but I just got thirsty and now the rest of this is being written Budweiser drunk.
8. Coyotes – Jack Quinn – I don’t want to say that certain GM’s have tendencies but certain GM’s have tendencies. This Jack is a master of one: scoring goals. Coyotes hit a homerun with Newhook last year and add to the firepower with this pick.
9. Blues – Alexander Holz – The Blues drinking rarified air with their own draft pick this high. Holz is a fine goalscorer to compliment the re-tool in a few years. The Blues don’t mind being patient even though they’ve never had to be in twenty years. Except for a Cup, that is.
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10. Canadiens – Jake Sanderson – Suddenly, a defenseman who did nothing all year is ‘on the rise’ now that the season is over. That’s how bad this D crop is – you just have to be bigger than 5’10” and can skate to be considered top 10. Montreal has a couple of 2nds they can get wild with, so they’ll be safe here as all the blue-chip forwards are gone.
11. Flames – Dylan Holloway – A Holloway is a sunken lane, kinda like the Flames performances in the HFNHL. Also seems apropos to the Flames ability to repeat mistakes, like taking big-bodied NCAA freshman who didn’t do anything to justify their draft position.
12. Wild – Dawson Mercer – Have Mercy! The Wild are doing all their rebuilding in one draft! Mercer didn’t justify his place on the Canadian WJ roster but it was an indicator of just how good this player is. I’m sure he can learn to skate at some point, too.
13. Wild – Anton Lundell – This may be a conservative pick but the Wild need a bit of everything in the rebuild including taking chances on future fourth-liners who flatter to deceive but still look pretty skating around.
14. Senators – Justin Barron – He may be the loser of the War of the Jeffs but at least this GM secured one of the few Dmen worth taking in the first round. This kid’s got size and skating and great shot – blood clots be damned.
15. Flyers – Kaeden Guhle – Because when you’ve got the shitty brother, you need to balance it out with the good brother. This one has decent hands and IQ to go with the family trait of great skating.
16. Wild – Jan Mysak – The Wild attack in an attempt to hack this pick, trying to prove they have a knack to bring back some tact, crack the back with no lack of tack, pack away a ton of kak, just don’t touch Mysak.
17. Kings – Connor Zary – Be wary of a man who got nothing but rhymes, don’t be a fairy, drink your dairy, oh please stop, parry these away or carry on, don’t be Barry, feel free to marry. Okay, I’m done. Please keep reading.
18. Predators – Noel Gunler – I once spent my Noel holiday in Austrian Christmas Markets... Good Times. True Story. The Preds have a thing and its forwards who are not quite blue-chip but demonstrate the package and plenty of upside and hockey IQ. That’s Gunler in a nutshell!
19. Golden Knights – Braden Schneider – The quickest build since their NHL counterparts – and with plenty of nice spots to draft from on day one – the Knights round out their strong forward group with a middle-six anchor who can skate.
20. Flyers – William Wallinder – This is the 6’4” version of the Dman ‘trend’ – all skating and puck-rushing. Worth the risk if you are gonna be patient, or if you’re just going to be trading the player away in the next few months for a 2021 1st rounder.
21. Senators – Ozzy Weisblatt – This GM has a knack at spotting talent and not being afraid to get it, even if the player is a bit of a ‘Sharon!!’.
22. Hurricanes – Tyson Foerster – The Mayor of Balzac takes Tyson ‘my meat-packing plant has Coronavirus’ Foerster for his ability to score and make Gordie Howe proud. Foerster has everything you need to win in the NHL, too bad his ratings will always suck in the HFNHL.
23. Islanders – Seth Jarvis – Just because you are an elite skater and the top point scoring draft-eligible player in the WHL, just because you can stick-handle better than Janet Gretzky, just because you shoot better than Jerry Miculek, just because you pass better than Lewis Hamilton, doesn’t mean you should be a top draft pick, even if you are bigger than Paddy Kane.
24. Hurricanes – Iasroslav Askarov – THERE IS NO WAY HE’LL FALL THIS FAR – well, yes, he will, because he’s Russian, a goalie, and struggled at times. Who amongst you has an appetite for that in the top 20? Don’t lie! But, there is no denying talent, and with his second pick in the round, the Cane’s will hold their nose and pick it.
25. Canucks – Sam Colangelo – The Canucks just take the player who they think has the best NHL potential, even if it’s a little off the map at this point. The kid has an NHL body (too much Colanjello growing up? No? NO!?) and has the most underrated shot in the draft.
26. Wild – Hendrix Lapierre – Found this note written from the Wild GM to the Sabres GM. "Hey Joe, I know you wanted this pick. Sorry, but even though you’re a Foxy Lady, you can’t have nothing Stone Free, keep walking All Along the Watchtower, don’t let the Wind that cries Mary knock you off, don’t bother putting pins in that Voodoo Chile, keep smokin’ that Purple Haze, cause’ Lapierre's mine! " So mean!
27. Panthers – Helge Grans – Writer looks up ohlprospects blog. Picks highest-ranked OHL player. Next.
28. Jets – Ridley Greig – This GM is a Gladiator, tougher than GI Jane, though he rubs the lotion on the skin, his kids got more agility than a Black Hawk Down, he may look a bit like an Alien but he’s a future Legend. This American Gangster of a pick should get the Jets GM into the Kingdom of Heaven with Another Good Year, despite his past Body of Lies. While we’re talking about this GM, I have to remind you that he’s no Robin Hood, personally, we think he should see The Counselor even if he has All the Money in the World… you know what, I challenge you to The Last Duel!!
29. Flyers – Mavrik Bourque – This GM hates players from the Q.
30. Avalance – Michael Benning – One of the best young defenseman outside the CHL – stud of an athlete, explosive offensive skills and high IQ. May not be the biggest but could be a future Giordano. If not, he can play for the Oilers like his brother. If not, maybe he can follow in his uncle's footsteps and be a bad GM for a bad team?
31. Lightning – Rodion Amirov – This GM wants nothing more than to shed the image of him being a junior Russian lover but when a player this good is available, he’ll stand on his porch on the Island, look at Russia, and salute.
PART ONE - ROUND ONE
1. Red Wings – Alexis Lafreniere – no real question here, the next Nolan Patrick is on his way. About as boring a prediction as will be made in this thread, about as boring as the meaning of his name as well. “A place of ash trees”? What we making here, guitars for Motown records?
2. Rangers – Quinton Byfield – Really came up in the Byfield, get money, get life, or get killed. Now, how the eff it’s gone feel, when he starts touchin the mill’s? We ain’t got nothing but shells, we ain’t got nothing to tell, watch how the story unveil…. (Lyrics courtesy Nipsey Hussle)
3. Bruins – Marco Rossi – After fumbling around in the dark playing Marco Polo with his last few drafts and having to put St. Paddy Nolan in quarantine, Herr Bruins GM will endure a nightmare of knowing the best players available are not Canadian, but he needs another big scoring forward and he wants to stick to his tendencies – so at least he’ll draft a player playing in Canada. At least he’ll have lots to talk about with our Austrian GM.
4. Flyers – Tim Stutzle – The showers will be sticky for years after the Flyers draft another German kid. The last one worked out pretty well. This kid wow’s with his skills but does he score or create?
5. Blue Jackets – Lucas Raymond – With the development of Ty Smith, the Blue Jackets can shore up their forward depth and find a complementary winger for Kaapo Kakko. My sister's first love was a neighbor boy called Raymond. She was four. My mother even made her a stuffed toy bear which she called Raymond. It was blue. Still is, actually. I think my mother just repaired the bear's eyes as well. True story.
6. Oilers – Cole Perfetti – Explode the chads, snowflakes, and glitter, the Perfetti cannon is raining down the confetti, the ticker-tape parade is coming to Edmonton.
7. Maple Leafs – Jamie Drysdale – in an off-year for defenseman, this is the only sure thing going. He’ll fall just because others drafting ahead of him need scoring. I wanted to make some pun about Clydesdale horses but I just got thirsty and now the rest of this is being written Budweiser drunk.
8. Coyotes – Jack Quinn – I don’t want to say that certain GM’s have tendencies but certain GM’s have tendencies. This Jack is a master of one: scoring goals. Coyotes hit a homerun with Newhook last year and add to the firepower with this pick.
9. Blues – Alexander Holz – The Blues drinking rarified air with their own draft pick this high. Holz is a fine goalscorer to compliment the re-tool in a few years. The Blues don’t mind being patient even though they’ve never had to be in twenty years. Except for a Cup, that is.
.10. Canadiens – Jake Sanderson – Suddenly, a defenseman who did nothing all year is ‘on the rise’ now that the season is over. That’s how bad this D crop is – you just have to be bigger than 5’10” and can skate to be considered top 10. Montreal has a couple of 2nds they can get wild with, so they’ll be safe here as all the blue-chip forwards are gone.
11. Flames – Dylan Holloway – A Holloway is a sunken lane, kinda like the Flames performances in the HFNHL. Also seems apropos to the Flames ability to repeat mistakes, like taking big-bodied NCAA freshman who didn’t do anything to justify their draft position.
12. Wild – Dawson Mercer – Have Mercy! The Wild are doing all their rebuilding in one draft! Mercer didn’t justify his place on the Canadian WJ roster but it was an indicator of just how good this player is. I’m sure he can learn to skate at some point, too.
13. Wild – Anton Lundell – This may be a conservative pick but the Wild need a bit of everything in the rebuild including taking chances on future fourth-liners who flatter to deceive but still look pretty skating around.
14. Senators – Justin Barron – He may be the loser of the War of the Jeffs but at least this GM secured one of the few Dmen worth taking in the first round. This kid’s got size and skating and great shot – blood clots be damned.
15. Flyers – Kaeden Guhle – Because when you’ve got the shitty brother, you need to balance it out with the good brother. This one has decent hands and IQ to go with the family trait of great skating.
16. Wild – Jan Mysak – The Wild attack in an attempt to hack this pick, trying to prove they have a knack to bring back some tact, crack the back with no lack of tack, pack away a ton of kak, just don’t touch Mysak.
17. Kings – Connor Zary – Be wary of a man who got nothing but rhymes, don’t be a fairy, drink your dairy, oh please stop, parry these away or carry on, don’t be Barry, feel free to marry. Okay, I’m done. Please keep reading.
18. Predators – Noel Gunler – I once spent my Noel holiday in Austrian Christmas Markets... Good Times. True Story. The Preds have a thing and its forwards who are not quite blue-chip but demonstrate the package and plenty of upside and hockey IQ. That’s Gunler in a nutshell!
19. Golden Knights – Braden Schneider – The quickest build since their NHL counterparts – and with plenty of nice spots to draft from on day one – the Knights round out their strong forward group with a middle-six anchor who can skate.
20. Flyers – William Wallinder – This is the 6’4” version of the Dman ‘trend’ – all skating and puck-rushing. Worth the risk if you are gonna be patient, or if you’re just going to be trading the player away in the next few months for a 2021 1st rounder.
21. Senators – Ozzy Weisblatt – This GM has a knack at spotting talent and not being afraid to get it, even if the player is a bit of a ‘Sharon!!’.
22. Hurricanes – Tyson Foerster – The Mayor of Balzac takes Tyson ‘my meat-packing plant has Coronavirus’ Foerster for his ability to score and make Gordie Howe proud. Foerster has everything you need to win in the NHL, too bad his ratings will always suck in the HFNHL.
23. Islanders – Seth Jarvis – Just because you are an elite skater and the top point scoring draft-eligible player in the WHL, just because you can stick-handle better than Janet Gretzky, just because you shoot better than Jerry Miculek, just because you pass better than Lewis Hamilton, doesn’t mean you should be a top draft pick, even if you are bigger than Paddy Kane.
24. Hurricanes – Iasroslav Askarov – THERE IS NO WAY HE’LL FALL THIS FAR – well, yes, he will, because he’s Russian, a goalie, and struggled at times. Who amongst you has an appetite for that in the top 20? Don’t lie! But, there is no denying talent, and with his second pick in the round, the Cane’s will hold their nose and pick it.
25. Canucks – Sam Colangelo – The Canucks just take the player who they think has the best NHL potential, even if it’s a little off the map at this point. The kid has an NHL body (too much Colanjello growing up? No? NO!?) and has the most underrated shot in the draft.
26. Wild – Hendrix Lapierre – Found this note written from the Wild GM to the Sabres GM. "Hey Joe, I know you wanted this pick. Sorry, but even though you’re a Foxy Lady, you can’t have nothing Stone Free, keep walking All Along the Watchtower, don’t let the Wind that cries Mary knock you off, don’t bother putting pins in that Voodoo Chile, keep smokin’ that Purple Haze, cause’ Lapierre's mine! " So mean!
27. Panthers – Helge Grans – Writer looks up ohlprospects blog. Picks highest-ranked OHL player. Next.
28. Jets – Ridley Greig – This GM is a Gladiator, tougher than GI Jane, though he rubs the lotion on the skin, his kids got more agility than a Black Hawk Down, he may look a bit like an Alien but he’s a future Legend. This American Gangster of a pick should get the Jets GM into the Kingdom of Heaven with Another Good Year, despite his past Body of Lies. While we’re talking about this GM, I have to remind you that he’s no Robin Hood, personally, we think he should see The Counselor even if he has All the Money in the World… you know what, I challenge you to The Last Duel!!
29. Flyers – Mavrik Bourque – This GM hates players from the Q.
30. Avalance – Michael Benning – One of the best young defenseman outside the CHL – stud of an athlete, explosive offensive skills and high IQ. May not be the biggest but could be a future Giordano. If not, he can play for the Oilers like his brother. If not, maybe he can follow in his uncle's footsteps and be a bad GM for a bad team?
31. Lightning – Rodion Amirov – This GM wants nothing more than to shed the image of him being a junior Russian lover but when a player this good is available, he’ll stand on his porch on the Island, look at Russia, and salute.
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