The Jason Zucker appreciation thread

[DeadPuckEra]

Hello friends,

Jason Zucker was actively pursued by the Penguins nearly a year ago. The prospect of adding Jason Zucker to the Penguins roster had caused great excitement amongst some of our fellow board members.

This excitement has lingered in to the present - with Jason Zucker being mentioned ad nauseam in the roster building threads for some time now. Every other post by some is about Jason Zucker, acquiring Jason Zucker and comparing, you guessed it, Jason Zucker with any other players the Penguins may or may not be interested in.

I had this idea to make this thread - and divert most of the Zucker speculation, adoration, possibilities etc here - as a means to free up the discussion around other potential acquisitions, trades etc.

Please use this thread to discuss all things Jason Zucker. And while some of this is snarky, I truly hope that we can, in fact, separate the two conversations. Literally every other player being discussed is met with the “Zucker brigade”... “Zucker is better” “we need Zucker more than player x” “Zucker is faster” “Minnesota had a scout in the north east last night, we’re probably trading for Zucker” etc

So this thread is probably necessary at this point. Post all things Zucker here!!!

Click to read more...

 

[Gurglesons]

I appreciate the fact he was a -1 Tuesday

 

[EightyOne]

 

[DeadPuckEra]

Men's Minnesota Wild Jason Zucker Fanatics Branded Green Home Premier Breakaway Player Jersey

 

[Andy99]

Zucker did nothing tonight either... 1 shot in about 15 minutes...no thanks

 

[Tom Hanks]

A few Zucker facts

• Once a cobra bit Jason Zucker's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  
• When Jason Zucker was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
• Jason Zucker narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
  
• Jason Zucker's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
  
• Jason Zucker invented the giraffe when he uppercut a horse
• Jason Zucker can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
  
• Jason Zucker beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

 

[Andy99]

A few Zucker facts

• Once a cobra bit Jason Zucker's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  
• When Jason Zucker was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
• Jason Zucker narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
  
• Jason Zucker's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
  
• Jason Zucker invented the giraffe when he uppercut a horse
• Jason Zucker can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
  
• Jason Zucker beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

So Zucker is really the most interesting man in the world, not the Dos Equis man!

 

[JTG]

I can already see it. We trade for Zucker and every single time he touches the puck someone posts his up to the second advanced stats. Can't f***in wait.

 

[Tom Hanks]

I can already see it. We trade for Zucker and every single time he touches the puck someone posts his up to the second advanced stats. Can't ****in wait.

Every time Jason Zucker touches the puck he scores so you will have time between goals.

Although Jason Zucker is too advanced for advanced stats so you’d never understand his analytics anyway.

 

[Flying Dego]

I've completely done a 180. Guy can live chained up in Minnesota.

Do. Not. Want.

 

[Honour Over Glory]

Keep tugging to him, he's not going to be a Penguin.

 

[EightyOne]

Yeah but who's this Any Name guy? Bold wearing 00, what are his advanced stats?

Men's Minnesota Wild Fanatics Branded Green Home Breakaway Custom Jersey

Literally has never been scored against on the ice by the opposition.

1.000DEF/parsecs

 

[Honour Over Glory]

Literally has never been scored against on the ice by the opposition.

1.000DEF/parsecs

You think we can get him for Crosby + 1st?

 

[EightyOne]

You think we can get him for Crosby + 1st?

Not even JR can pull the wool over on that one.

He's gotta add Mario at 30% retention.

 

[Kristopher Letang]

I have a feeling this thread is not going to age well Thank for the jinx OP

 

[SprootsMasterFlex]

A few Zucker facts

• Once a cobra bit Jason Zucker's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  
• When Jason Zucker was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
• Jason Zucker narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
  
• Jason Zucker's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
  
• Jason Zucker invented the giraffe when he uppercut a horse
• Jason Zucker can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
  
• Jason Zucker beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

This is one of the funniest posts ever!!

 

[Mr Jiggyfly]

A few Zucker facts

• Once a cobra bit Jason Zucker's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  
• When Jason Zucker was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
• Jason Zucker narrates Morgan Freeman's life.
  
• Jason Zucker's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take **** from anyone.
  
• Jason Zucker invented the giraffe when he uppercut a horse
• Jason Zucker can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
  
• Jason Zucker beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.

You messed up, see the bolded.

I thought this was an original work of art.

Now I must call shenanigans and plagiarism.

Mr. Chuck will not be happy when he learns of your disrespect.

I heard he’s so bad that he once won an argument on HFBoards with KIRK.

Sleep with all three eyes open...

 

[StaalForOne]

Someone dig up the old Gary Roberts posts

- When Jason Zucker does a push up he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the earth down
- Jason Zucker can kill 2 stones with 1 bird
- Jason Zucker makes onions cry
- Jason Zucker threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

 

[Randy Butternubs]

Jason Zucker is Doctor Manhattan

 

[ColePens]

I actually left this thread open because it was funny. But we really don't need a separate thread for a guy who probably wont be here. Let's go back to the cap thread.