Captain Dave Poulin
Imaginary Cat
Welcome To The Flyers Board NHL Mega-Mock Draft Reboot, FRESH DOWN THERE PHASE NINETEEN!
Have you all had a good rest? Have you recharged your batteries? Did you shower? Good. I was here the whole time, but I was f***ing around in Terraria. I became crack addicted to it again because there had been a ton of updates and additions since the last time I played it. I’m not quite over it yet, but the addiction is being managed and is on its last legs.
That means it’s time to get back to business, the core reason we are all on this goofy website. This is the last phase before HISTORIC PHASE 20! and I think the categories for this one are appropriately exciting. You might not wet your pants when you see them the way you will when you see the next set of categories, but they are still nice and juicy and should make your bits stand at attention.
FRESH MEAT
These could be seen as the latest additions to our “Developmental Squad,” what some teams call “The Future,” what the Flyers call “Not Ready Now, Not Ready Ever.” Whatever you call it, what we are doing here is picking FIVE PLAYERS who were drafted in the 2022 NHL Entry Draft. No undrafted eligibles, no 2023 or 2024 eligibles, no edibles - just players who were actually drafted in real life by an NHL team in the 2022 NHL Entry Draft.
They can play any position - you don’t have to fill out lines and pairs or anything, just five players you want to bring with you into the nether regions of the unknown for hockey or whatever other reasons. It’s easy to find the information, so make sure you do lest ye get cut.
Futurehead
Futurehead
Futurehead
Futurehead
Futurehead
THE RATIONAL SHIT
Some of you chose these categories via the Double Timer category – for example, I chose Bae Suzy for Team Spokesperson. In those cases, I will fill in the boxes and the people who chose them won’t have to pick someone for that category. We should get through all the things that people chose for Double Timer in future phases, so we will all have this happen eventually.
So, with no further ado or no doi, here is the rational shit.
- Team Anthem + Anthem Singer – this is the singer who will sing YOUR anthem. What that means is up to you. If you want to use the stupid national anthems we use here on Earth Prime, you can – there will be no NO DUPLICATES policy in effect for these, since several of you could choose to play the existing EP anthems which reflect (misguided) pride in your country. However, other songs and all singers that have been chosen for something else do fall under our general NO DUPLICATES umbrella, and as such are ineligible. You can have one of your own singers sing your anthem, but be aware that if anyone who rhymes with “Barry Blunderwood” sings your anthem, there is a good chance that your arena will burn down mysteriously. The singer has to be a real person, living or dead. It’s up to you to determine what “anthem” means, but it’s a song that will be sung before your home games. I use the word “sung” loosely, if you need that flexibility. Remember, you are picking the singer and the song.
- Team Creeper – this is the person you will bring along to creep people out. The perfect example of this is Jeff Goldblum, but it could also be a pervert. It’s up to you to figure out someone who you think will creep people the f*** out. It can be a fictional or real person. NO DUPLICATES applies, so you can’t pick a character from something which has already been taken or one who is played by an actor who has already been taken. We also can’t pick each other, so Young Sandwich is off the board.
- Team Food Truck – this can be an existing food truck if you want, or you can make one up. If you choose the latter, you have to choose your specialty and the name of your truck. This is probably more important than it might at first seem. Our gate receipts for games will theoretically provide a large source of our income in the new world, but consider how quickly we have all been completely turned off by hockey, and how much interest in the sport is limited by its own inherent stupidity. This food truck (or fleet of food trucks, if you don’t f*** it up) could end up being a crucial source of secondary income. So don’t f*** it up.
- Team Pre-Game Hype Song – I know we already have our warm-up songs, and if yours are anything like mine, they will hype the living f*** out of your gorgeous crowd. But someone suggested it, and I thought it would be cool to have another kind of warm-up song. So that’s how you can think of it – another warm-up song, only this one probably played after the players warm up and just before or just after you bring out the anthem singer. If you do this right, your audience will collectively wet itself with excitement. NO DUPLICATES applies as usual.
- Team Spokesperson – This isn’t exactly the “face of the franchise,” but it’s someone who does media and promotion for the team. The best example I can think of is Andrea Helfrich, who is exponentially and infinitely hotter than Taryn Hatcher. Andrea just does a bunch of random stuff for the Flyers, like commercials and videos and special events. That’s the kind of role you are filling for this category, but it doesn’t have to be a sex bomb. NO DUPLICATES applies, obviously.
- Team Trainer – you can fill this position very literally, by hiring the person you think will best keep your players fit and firing for hockey. Or you can choose someone else to train your squad – i.e. everyone aboard your [REDACTED] for the trip into deep space - for your own reasons. They can be real or fictional. No one already taken or from anything already taken can be chosen UNLESS YOU ALREADY HAVE THE F***ING THING, OBVIOUSLY. It’s hard not to be confused by this category when you consider that we have been enduring Jim McCrossin for all this time.
- Team Trial By Combat Champion – this seems pretty self-explanatory to me. You choose someone to send out for trial by combat, should that situation arise, either through the court system we establish or due to alien invasion. Like if aliens attacked the new world and demanded trial by combat to avert some kind of extinction-level event. Or something. The circumstances don’t matter – this is the person who will have to win in one-on-one combat. It can be a real or fictional person. All of the NO DUPLICATES parameters apply.
For the first round, we will give everyone 12 hours to get revved up again - for all the succeeding rounds, it will be six hours. The daily clock starts at 8 a.m. and ends at 10 p.m., all times Eastern. This is a MONGOOSE DRAFT, which is the same functionally as a snake draft, but isn’t named after the turboc*** of the animal world.
Don't forget to tag the next person in your pick post AND send a PM.
DRAFT ORDER
DancingPanther - Providence Platypi
BiggE - Jacksonville Methgators
Chuck Downie - Les Comiques de Saint-Louis-du-Ha!Ha!
Strawberry Fields - Vancouver Beavers
Hollywood Couturier - Las Vegas Desert Ducks
Striiker - Allentown Attack
pit - Chicago Chimpanzees
CanadianFlyer88 - Seattle Sockeyes
mja - New Jersey Flaming Zeppelins
Young Sandwich - Montreal Sexpos
Asnito - Tijuana Toads
JojoTheWhale - New York M.A.D. Cats
BernieParent - Tampa Bay FireSticks
Beef Invictus - D.C. Mutineers
ajgoal - Los Angeles Whalers
Captain Dave Poulin - Quebec Lapins
Magua - Honolulu Ghibli
Hurricane28 - Virginia Beach Surge
Rebels57 - Portland Fog
GKJ - Philadelphia Villains
Lord Defect - St. Paul Stay Pufts
DON’T FORGET TO STOCK UP FOR CHRISTMAS WITH QUACKVERSE MERCH AND/OR SWAG!
RIVALRIESDancingPanther - Providence Platypi
BiggE - Jacksonville Methgators
Chuck Downie - Les Comiques de Saint-Louis-du-Ha!Ha!
Strawberry Fields - Vancouver Beavers
Hollywood Couturier - Las Vegas Desert Ducks
Striiker - Allentown Attack
pit - Chicago Chimpanzees
CanadianFlyer88 - Seattle Sockeyes
mja - New Jersey Flaming Zeppelins
Young Sandwich - Montreal Sexpos
Asnito - Tijuana Toads
JojoTheWhale - New York M.A.D. Cats
BernieParent - Tampa Bay FireSticks
Beef Invictus - D.C. Mutineers
ajgoal - Los Angeles Whalers
Captain Dave Poulin - Quebec Lapins
Magua - Honolulu Ghibli
Hurricane28 - Virginia Beach Surge
Rebels57 - Portland Fog
GKJ - Philadelphia Villains
Lord Defect - St. Paul Stay Pufts
DON’T FORGET TO STOCK UP FOR CHRISTMAS WITH QUACKVERSE MERCH AND/OR SWAG!
| HOST | RIVAL | |
| Allentown Attack | vs | New Jersey Flaming Zeppelins |
| Chicago Chimpanzees | vs | Las Vegas Desert Ducks |
| D.C. Mutineers | vs | Seattle Sockeyes |
| Honolulu Ghibli | vs | Jacksonville Methgators |
| Jacksonville Methgators | vs | Tampa Bay Firesticks |
| Las Vegas Desert Ducks | vs | Providence Platypi |
| Les Comiques de Saint-Louis-du-Ha!Ha! | vs | Quebec Lapins |
| Los Angeles Whalers | vs | New York M.A.D. Cats |
| Montreal Sexpos | vs | Quebec Lapins |
| New Jersey Flaming Zeppelins | vs | Allentown Attack |
| New York M.A.D. Cats | vs | Montreal Sexpos |
| Philadelphia Villains | vs | New York M.A.D. Cats |
| Portland Fog | vs | St. Paul Stay Pufts |
| Providence Platypi | vs | Las Vegas Desert Ducks |
| Quebec Lapins | vs | Montreal Sexpos |
| Seattle Sockeyes | vs | Vancouver Beavers |
| St. Paul Stay Pufts | vs | Tijuana Toads |
| Tampa Bay Firesticks | vs | Jacksonville Methgators |
| Tijuana Toads | vs | St. Paul Stay Pufts |
| Vancouver Beavers | vs | Seattle Sockeyes |
| Virginia Beach Surge | vs | St. Paul Stay Pufts |
NO NAMING NAMES, NO PICK TIPPING, NO ICE CREAM BANTER, NO TWITCH SHIT, SNITCHES GET STITCHES!
LEARN TO F***ING READ!
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