Hey All,
This is going to be long, so feel free to skip. However, that joke that was posted and shared here about Paul Maurice essentially calling Austen Matthews gay, and that diminishing him as a hockey player kind of triggered me. I am not a 'snowflake', I do understand that there is humor, and humor may offend - but to me, that wasn't a funny joke, and it's kind of damaging - supporting the notion that there is no place in sport for gay people.
I knew I was gay from a fairly young age - probably about 11 - as much as someone that age can really understand it. My Mom asked me when I was younger if I wanted to play hockey - she was finally in a place financially where she could afford it. Keep in mind, this was 40 years ago, and being gay was not cool - and hockey was absolutely not a place for gay people. I told her I didn't want to play, even though I loved hockey. I just didn't think I belonged there.
I did play a lot of ball hockey with my friends, and I was a pretty damned good goalie. I also played defense as you do when you are a kid - playing wherever there's a spot. Then, when I was about 15 my best friend (Habs fan gross) asked me if I wanted to come skating. I figured why not, and laced them up. I immediately fell in love with skating, and got a pair of new Bauers. I'd go out to the twin rinks in my neigborhood and skate around, while the other kids were on the second rink playing shinny. My same friend kept bugging me to play shinny, and finally I did. I was absolutely hooked. I was out every chance I got - after school, until the lights went out (and sometimes after), all day every weekend. It was my place to just be joyful, not worry about my sexuality or feeling different or less than other kids.
My high school team was heading into the season short a goalie. I had never played organized hockey, and only played goal in ball hockey, but I told my Vice Principal that I wanted to play. He was extremely worried about it and tried hard to convince me not to, knowing how dangerous it might be (and probably how bad I would be
). However, I was a stubborn kid, and finally he said he'd let me try.
I signed out the goalie gear and I started practicing skating with it. I watched the goalies religiously on HNIC and CKND Jets games. Any time I got to a hockey game live I watched how the goalies warmed up and moved around in the net. Finally, I got my chance to play, and I was pretty bad haha. Good thing was, our team was awful too so no one was looking at me. This was my first experience with locker room talk - and it was pretty awful. It was like the gay talk you heard in the classroom, hallways, waiting for the bus, but like on steriods. I have to admit, I almost quit. It just reinforced the feelings in myself that I was weird, damaged, and less of a valid person than the other kids, and I didn't belong.
However, I loved hockey so much that I couldn't not play.
I moved to Vancouver when I was 17, and that's when I really started to understand myself. I got a job in a gay nightclub, and started realizing that there were so many other people like me, and they were funny, successful, and happy. UBC had a complex with 4 rinks, and 2 of them had drop in every weekday from 9 am to 4 pm. Because I was a bartender, I only worked 3 or 4 nights a week - so I was there practically every day. I played D sometimes, and goalie most of the time. This is where I started getting really good at hockey. I played against college kids, and pros depending on the time of year.
Then, I found out about a gay hockey team in Vancouver, the Cutting Edges. They only scrimmaged amongst themselves weekly. I joined the team, we did fundraisers, and pretty soon, we had almost 70 players of all different skill levels. We decided to enter the hockey league with three teams across different divisions. I played goal in the top league and defense in the two others. We did not hide the fact that we were a gay team, and that opened us up to some pretty horrific stuff. Like guys telling us not to bleed on them because they didn't want AIDS, talking about how every time we got in the dressing room it was a gangbang, etc. They also tried to physically intimidate us any chance they got.
Unfortunately for them, we were a pretty great hockey team. We had several ex junior and pro players, and we ended up winning the championship in our first year. It was incredible to see the transformation of our opponents from vile insults, to being angry and incrediolous that we beat them, to a sense of respect and even congratulations. I actually ended up getting recruited to play for one of our most heated rivals - and those guys were so incredibly welcoming.
My 'career peak' was being recruited to play for Team Vancouver in the Gay Games in New York. I was supposed to play defense (as I had really started to blossom there) but our goaltender backed out at the last minute, so I ended up playing goal. Some of our other players backed out too, and we ended up having 9 skaters for the tournament. Needless to say, we didn't do great (we definitely held our own, but we just didn't have the players). One of the highlights was the closing ceremonies at the old Yankee Stadium, and getting to run the bases.
In my hockey life, I've played with countless NHL'ers (whole other story and not trying to write a novel). Hockey has gotten me through bouts of anxiety, depression, addiction, and the loss of my mother. I owe almost everything to hockey, maybe even my life.
If I hadn't had that friend, and some encouragement along the way, I may have never picked up hockey. All of my experiences, my health, body and mind, joy, lifelong friendships - gone. I've since come out to all my hockey friends, and I though I don't broadcast my sexuality when I play (I mean, do straight guys do that?) I also don't hide.
That's why I get so touchy and emotional when things like hockey players not participating in warmups with pride jerseys, or when I see juvenile, stupid posts like the one that triggered this ridiculously long post. These things can damage the perception of a young boy or girl feeling like they can play hockey, that they belong, and that they can be great at it. How many children lost the opportunity to reap the joy and rewards of hockey - body, mind, and spirit.
I feel like the dressing room is a very different place now. I still play hockey with junior, college, and pro hockey players. I never hear homophobic talk in the dressing room. That is because of all the hard work done to build acceptance. Let's not go backwards.
Thanks if you read this!
This is going to be long, so feel free to skip. However, that joke that was posted and shared here about Paul Maurice essentially calling Austen Matthews gay, and that diminishing him as a hockey player kind of triggered me. I am not a 'snowflake', I do understand that there is humor, and humor may offend - but to me, that wasn't a funny joke, and it's kind of damaging - supporting the notion that there is no place in sport for gay people.
I knew I was gay from a fairly young age - probably about 11 - as much as someone that age can really understand it. My Mom asked me when I was younger if I wanted to play hockey - she was finally in a place financially where she could afford it. Keep in mind, this was 40 years ago, and being gay was not cool - and hockey was absolutely not a place for gay people. I told her I didn't want to play, even though I loved hockey. I just didn't think I belonged there.
I did play a lot of ball hockey with my friends, and I was a pretty damned good goalie. I also played defense as you do when you are a kid - playing wherever there's a spot. Then, when I was about 15 my best friend (Habs fan gross) asked me if I wanted to come skating. I figured why not, and laced them up. I immediately fell in love with skating, and got a pair of new Bauers. I'd go out to the twin rinks in my neigborhood and skate around, while the other kids were on the second rink playing shinny. My same friend kept bugging me to play shinny, and finally I did. I was absolutely hooked. I was out every chance I got - after school, until the lights went out (and sometimes after), all day every weekend. It was my place to just be joyful, not worry about my sexuality or feeling different or less than other kids.
My high school team was heading into the season short a goalie. I had never played organized hockey, and only played goal in ball hockey, but I told my Vice Principal that I wanted to play. He was extremely worried about it and tried hard to convince me not to, knowing how dangerous it might be (and probably how bad I would be
). However, I was a stubborn kid, and finally he said he'd let me try.I signed out the goalie gear and I started practicing skating with it. I watched the goalies religiously on HNIC and CKND Jets games. Any time I got to a hockey game live I watched how the goalies warmed up and moved around in the net. Finally, I got my chance to play, and I was pretty bad haha. Good thing was, our team was awful too so no one was looking at me. This was my first experience with locker room talk - and it was pretty awful. It was like the gay talk you heard in the classroom, hallways, waiting for the bus, but like on steriods. I have to admit, I almost quit. It just reinforced the feelings in myself that I was weird, damaged, and less of a valid person than the other kids, and I didn't belong.
However, I loved hockey so much that I couldn't not play.
I moved to Vancouver when I was 17, and that's when I really started to understand myself. I got a job in a gay nightclub, and started realizing that there were so many other people like me, and they were funny, successful, and happy. UBC had a complex with 4 rinks, and 2 of them had drop in every weekday from 9 am to 4 pm. Because I was a bartender, I only worked 3 or 4 nights a week - so I was there practically every day. I played D sometimes, and goalie most of the time. This is where I started getting really good at hockey. I played against college kids, and pros depending on the time of year.
Then, I found out about a gay hockey team in Vancouver, the Cutting Edges. They only scrimmaged amongst themselves weekly. I joined the team, we did fundraisers, and pretty soon, we had almost 70 players of all different skill levels. We decided to enter the hockey league with three teams across different divisions. I played goal in the top league and defense in the two others. We did not hide the fact that we were a gay team, and that opened us up to some pretty horrific stuff. Like guys telling us not to bleed on them because they didn't want AIDS, talking about how every time we got in the dressing room it was a gangbang, etc. They also tried to physically intimidate us any chance they got.
Unfortunately for them, we were a pretty great hockey team. We had several ex junior and pro players, and we ended up winning the championship in our first year. It was incredible to see the transformation of our opponents from vile insults, to being angry and incrediolous that we beat them, to a sense of respect and even congratulations. I actually ended up getting recruited to play for one of our most heated rivals - and those guys were so incredibly welcoming.
My 'career peak' was being recruited to play for Team Vancouver in the Gay Games in New York. I was supposed to play defense (as I had really started to blossom there) but our goaltender backed out at the last minute, so I ended up playing goal. Some of our other players backed out too, and we ended up having 9 skaters for the tournament. Needless to say, we didn't do great (we definitely held our own, but we just didn't have the players). One of the highlights was the closing ceremonies at the old Yankee Stadium, and getting to run the bases.
In my hockey life, I've played with countless NHL'ers (whole other story and not trying to write a novel). Hockey has gotten me through bouts of anxiety, depression, addiction, and the loss of my mother. I owe almost everything to hockey, maybe even my life.
If I hadn't had that friend, and some encouragement along the way, I may have never picked up hockey. All of my experiences, my health, body and mind, joy, lifelong friendships - gone. I've since come out to all my hockey friends, and I though I don't broadcast my sexuality when I play (I mean, do straight guys do that?) I also don't hide.
That's why I get so touchy and emotional when things like hockey players not participating in warmups with pride jerseys, or when I see juvenile, stupid posts like the one that triggered this ridiculously long post. These things can damage the perception of a young boy or girl feeling like they can play hockey, that they belong, and that they can be great at it. How many children lost the opportunity to reap the joy and rewards of hockey - body, mind, and spirit.
I feel like the dressing room is a very different place now. I still play hockey with junior, college, and pro hockey players. I never hear homophobic talk in the dressing room. That is because of all the hard work done to build acceptance. Let's not go backwards.
Thanks if you read this!
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