HandsomeHollywood
Brooke Shields ain't got nothin'
- Mar 20, 2017
- 1,531
- 1,219
les Habs:
-VS-
branimal84:
The Alternative Wrestling Federation presents: Reckoning
Live from the KFC Yum! Arena in Louisville, Kentucky with commentary from Excalibur and Larry Zbysko and interviews with Renee Paquette.
Introduction:
Excalibur: “Good evening AWF fans and welcome to Turmoil! We are live here in . Joining me in commentary is none other than The Living Legend, Larry Zbysko! Welcome Larry.”
Larry Zbysko: “Well thank you, it’s great to be here. I have a question though. How come you’re still wearing that damn mask? Do you have a match later?”
Excalibur: “Let’s just get into tonight’s card. Now our first match is a title match for the AWF Cruiserweight Championship between the Champion Billy Kidman and the challenger Matt Sydal.”
Larry Zbysko: “Wait, didn’t Kidman make the challenge, so that would make him the challenger and the Champion.”
Excalibur: “Well you’re right about that Larry. Let’s go back to last Monday’s Turmoil where after weeks of tension spilled over into the incident that led to this match. Let’s have a look at the footage.”
In the locker room.
Torrie Wilson: “Oh my God babe. I just had another hot yoga session with Matt and it was incredible! I’ve never felt anything like it. He really stretched me out. I bent over while he laid down under me to make sure my form was right and he helped me find my root Chakra! It was such an intense sensation. I closed my eyes and all I could see were stars. And my core felt so good that I thought was going to…”
Billy Kidman: “Damnit Torrie! That’s it! I’ve had it with this Shitkra or whatever the hell it’s called. I forbid you to do another yoga session with that weirdo! In fact, I want a match with him at Turmoil and I’ll put the title on the line!”
Torrie Wilson: “Babe! It’s just hot yoga! You know how moist I get when…”
Billy Kidman: “Moist?!? MOIST?!?! Damnit Torrie! What the hell are you…”
Matt Sydal: “Oh, hey guys. How’s it going? Am I interrupting?”
Billy Kidman: “Actually, YEAH, you’re…”
Torrie Wilson: “No Matt, you’re not. We were just talking about our hot yoga session from this morning.”
Matt Sydal: “Torrie, you were AMAZING this morning. It was great to lay underneath you and see you experience finding your Chakra while you were bent over above me. Tomorrow I’ll down underneath you again, but this time I’ll have you bend over backwards so we can find your Anahata which is in your chest. So when you bend over backwards I’ll be able to see…”
Billy Kidman: “You won’t be bending over backwards and YOU won’t be seeing a damn thing!”
Billy Kidman proceeds to beat down Matt Sydal.
Torrie Wilson: “Billy stop, you’re hurting him!”
Billy Kidman: “This was just a preview of how much I’m going to hurt this freak! Sydal, I want you at Turmoil and I’ll even put the belt on the line! I’ll also beat you so bad you’ll you’ll find your ass Chakra!”
Torrie Wilson: “Oh Matt, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! Thank you for today though, it was so intense I got so…”
Billy Kidman: “Damnit Torrie, let’s go!”
AWF Cruiserweight Championship Match
Billy Kidman (C) with Torrie Wilson vs Matt Sydal
Bios:
Interview:Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson: Think late WCW/early WWE Kidman with Torrie, Kidman has been the top cruiserweight for some time, but he’s very jealous of Torrie giving anyone else any attention. He’s even more jealous of anyone else giving Torrie attention, which happens all the time in the AWF.
Entrance music: His last WCW theme.
Matt Sydal: Think recent AEW Matt Sydal, he is as prolific in the ring as he is a Yogi. Entrance music: Soothing spa music.
Entrance music: Current AEW theme.
Renee Paquette: “I’m here with the AWF Women’s World Champion Jade Cargill and her…. ‘Baddies’… ah, Jamie Noble and Danhausen, and Jade, tonight not only do you put up your title, but you also put your undefeated record against probably your toughest opponent yet, AWF newcomer ‘The Beast’ Shayna Baszler.”
Jamie Noble: “Whoa boy, now her right therr, she’s definitely a beast! Y’all are gonna have a helluva match on yer hands.”
Danhausen: “Yes, Shayna Baszler is very evil!”
Jade Cargill: “Yo, who the f*** told you bitches you could speak? She asked me about that ugly bitch. Well tonight, I’m going to slap the shit outta her so bad that when it’s all said and done her face will be even uglier, assuming that’s possible.”
Renee Paquette: “Respectfully Jade, Shayna Baszler doesn’t seem the type to be slapped around.”
Jamie Noble: “Well I like bein’ slapped around by a woman, but I agree with y’all Renee, that chick is scary. Now Jade, you know I’m yer biggest fan and I got that tattoo on my….”
Danhausen: “What? You’re not Jade’s biggest fan, I am! Look at my ‘Jade’ necklace. They’re real diamonds and it cost a lot of monies..”
Jamie Noble: “Shut the hell up you clown. Y’all are…”
Danhausen: “Oh yeah, well now I am going to curse you!”
Jade Cargill: “What did I tell you hoes?!? SHUT THE HELL UP!”
Jamie Noble: “I’m sorry ma’am, I mean Miss Jade.”
Jade Cargill: “Call me ‘ma’am’ again motherf***er!”
Danhausen: “Yeah, don’t call her ‘ma’am’ you redneck. Call her by her real name, ‘That Evil Bitch’.”
Jade Cargill: “What the f*** did you just call me? Shut the hell up!”
Jamie Noble: “Well you don’t need to worry none Miss Jade, if things go South we’ll be there ta give y’all a hand. You can’t count on us, we can take her!”
Danhausen: “Yes, yes, and I will put a curse on Shawnie Baszler to make sure…”
Jade Cargill: “That’s it! The next one of y’all that says a damn word is gonna be OUT and if y’all don’t like it you can step! Now, about that whack-ass Shayna Baszler, the only reason she’s a beast is because she looks like a man. Well ain’t no ugly ass man gonna beat me. I’m the champ, I’m undefeated and… I’M. THAT. BITCH!”
Excalibur: “Well Larry, that was interesting. On to our next match.”
Larry Zbysko: “Thank God. What the hell is the matter with those people?”
Exacalibur: “Well I thought that was one heck of an opening match tonight Larry. What did you think?”
Larry Zbysko: “Well yeah, it was a great match, but I’m tired of all this yoga, yogi, whatever nonsense! Get a room!”
Excalibur: “OK. Well on to our next match and this here is the first AWF open challenge match Larry. Oh, and here comes the man offering the open challenge, Ilya Dragunov, and his entourage consisting of his wife Lana who is actually the one who issued the open challenge, his trainer and really the man who recruited him to the United States and the AWF, Dan Lambert, and of course the financial backer none other than former President Donald Trump with his personal security.”
Larry Zbysko: “Why do they need so many damn people in the ring?”
Excalibur: “Well Ilya Dragunov has proven himself to be a big deal in the AWF thus far as he’s beaten all of his opponents and has a perfect record, but let’s go to the ring.”
Lana: “Good evening . Tonight vee present to you zee greatest physical specimen in all of professional wrestling, my husband, Ilya Dragunov.”
Excalibur: “Wow, Larry, the crowd here in Is really taking issue with Lana tonight.”
Larry Zbysko: “Well what does she expect with that accent? I can barely understand her.”
Lana: “My husband, Ilya, is zee perfect professional wrestler. As you have seen in preveeuus weeks’ training seeshuns with our country’s advanced technology of human performance, zer is no one who can match hees strength, hees endurance or hees aggressiveness.”
Dan Lambert: “If I may Lana, yes, and this technology and Ilya’s training regimen under my guidance and with the financial backing of President Trump…”
Excalibur: “I think he means former President Trump.”
Larry Zbysko: “It looks like he was formerly an orangutan at the zoo.”
Dan Lambert: “… has made this man a better man, a stronger man, harnessing all his strength. He is indeed the perfect specimen, and a NATURAL specimen whose physique cannot be questioned…”
Excalibur: “Well the crowd seems to be questioning this as they’re chanting ‘doping’.”
Larry Zbysko: “My kid told me I looked dope the other day and I smacked him.”
Dan Lambert: “As I was saying, Ilya’s perfect physique cannot be questioned unlike that of you Here in . Now if you’ll show some respect for your PRESIDENT, Donald Trump, he has a few words he’d like to say.”
Donald Trump: “My fellow Americans, I’m happy to be here with my Russian friends Ilya Dragunov and his wife Lana, the lovely, lovely Lana. And folks, this whole allegation of doping is a hoax, it’s just one big hoax. I would never back a cheater because I know what it’s like to be cheated. I only back winners, like myself. So that is what I’ve backed Ilya and I’m here tonight to see what loser here in the AWF is going to step up to the challenge.”
Dan Lambert: “You heard the President AWF locker room, so who’s it going to be? Which one of you imperfect specimens has the guts to step up to this man? I know none of you imperfect specimens here in have the guts!”
Excalibur: “Well Larry, it doesn’t seem as though anyone is coming out.”
Larry Zbysko: “Hopefully somebody comes out soon so we don’t have to listen to this jerk any longer.”
Excalibur: “Actually our wait might be over Larry. What is this? “
Larry Zbysko: “It looks like somebody has answered Lambert’s call.”
Excalibur: “It’s HOOK! This kid is just as hot a property as Dragunov and like the Russian Hook is thus far undefeated in the AWF. The crowd is going crazy here Larry! What are your thoughts on Hook?”
Larry Zbysko: “Look, the kid’s impressive, but get a haircut!”
Open Challenge Match
Ilya Dragunov with Lana, Dan Lambert and Donald Trump vs Hook
Bios:Interview:Ilya Dragunov: Think NXT Dragunov, but also think Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, the Russian has been undefeated for his first 12 AWF matches. Entrance music: The Soviet national anthem.
Lana: Think early WWE Lana when she was with Rusev, but also think Drago’s wife in Rocky IV, she’s the sexy Russian who wears a skirt suit and the skirt is pretty short.
Dan Lambert: Think AEW Dan Lambert, he’s a brash promoter of his talent.
Donald Trump: Think current day Donald Trump, the former President loves making a buck as much as he loves the Eastern European women.
The Harris Brothers: Think late WCW Harris Brothers, Donald Trump’s personal security kick ass and ask questions later. They’re also not afraid to aid in coverups or other nefarious activities.
Hook: Think AEW Hook, he too has been undefeated since his AWF debut. Entrance music: His original AEW theme “The Chairman’s Intent”.
Renee Paquette: “Thank you Excalibur. Gentlemen, I’m with…”
Jeff Jarrett: “Renee, you are here with J E double F, J A double R E double T, that’s double J, Jeff Jarrett. And Renee, not only are you with the most talented wrestler in the AWF, but you’re also with the most talented musician in the AWF. And in addition to that Renee, I’m the AWF Hardcore Champion!”
Renee Paquette: “Well Jeff, that makes tonight a big night for you as not only is your hardcore title on the line, but the winner takes all so to speak as there’s also an AWF recording contract up for grabs as well.”
Jeff Jarrett: “You know what Renee, the fact that I have to actually compete with a thug like New Jack for a recording contract? Not only am I the greatest musician in the AWF, but I”m also the greatest musician in rasslin’ history. I have a beautiful voice and I can play gittarr like nobody else.”
Renee Paquette: “You mean that you can play guitar like nobody else so long as you haven’t splintered it over your opponent’s head!”
Jeff Jarrett: “Well Renee, I ain’t the Hardcore Champion for nuthin’ now am I.”
Renee Paquette: “I would’n’t get ahead of yourself just yet Jeff as New Jack is going to be your toughest challenger to date. Let’s say he wins, hypothetically. What sort of record do you think he’d record with an AWF recording contract?”
Jeff Jarrett: “Hehe, well New Jack ain’t gonna win jack tonight, but to answer your question I suspect he’d record a gangsta rap album. Well lemme tell ya Renee, rap is crap!”
Renee Paquette: “OK, back to you Excalibur and Larry.”
AWF Women’s Championship Match
Jade Cargill (C) with her Baddies Jamie Noble and Danhausen vs “The Beast” Shayna Baszler
Bios:Interview:Jade Cargill: Think “I’m that bitch” Jade Cargill from AEW, she is the greatest women’s champion in the history of the AWF as she’s never been defeated.
Entrance music: Current AEW theme
Jamie Noble: Think Southern guy Jamie Noble from the WWE from the early 2000s, his career having stalled he’s latched on to a winner in Jade Cargill. He comes with cutoff jean shorts and a tank top.
Danhausen: Think AEW Danhausen as well as the social media star, Danhausen is happy to be a Baddie because he thinks Jade Cargill is very evil. So happy in fact, he had a good necklace made that says “Jade” in diamonds that he always wears.
Shayna Baszler: Think WWE Baszler in her prime, she’s the newest AWF women’s competitor and unlike everyone else she looks as though she has the potential to be the first competitor to defeat Jade Cargill.
Entrance music: WWE themeRenee Paquette: “So I”m here with none other than the AWF Trios Champions The Fabulous Freebirds. Tonight guys you face a group that really seems to have gotten the better of you in recent weeks in The Wyatt Family. How do you think you’ll fare tonight?”
Terry Gordy: “Lemme tell you somethin’ Renee. I ain’t gonna say The Freebirds are the best wrestlers in the World, and I ain’t gonna say we’re the worst. What I am gonna say though is that we can stand toe-to-toe with any other team in the World today, and that includes The Wyatts! The difference tonight though is that this is a cage match and ain’t nobody defeated us yet in a steel cage!”
Buddy Rogers: “A lot of people don’t like us Renee, but they damn well respect us! Tonight we’re gonna show The Wyatts who The Freebirds really are and you can bet you’re bottom dollar that they’ll respect us after tonight’s match because we’ll still be the champions!”
Michael PS Hayes: “You know what baby, the boys are back in town! The boys are back in town and we’re not here to mess around. So Bray Wyatt and those two goons you call family, get everything you’ve got together tonight because when you walk to the ring tonight you ain’t walkin’ down the aisle. You’re walkin’ down Bad Street and at the end of that street is The Freebirds’ house and that’s a steel cage baby! A lot of people have walked down Bad Street, but we’re the only ones that have walked off of it!”
AWF Hardcore Championship and AWF Recording Contract Match
Jeff Jarrett (C) vs New Jack
Bios:Interview:Jeff Jarrett: Think Jeff Jarrett in the WWE before he went to WCW as well as early WCW Jarrett, the big talkin’ Tennessee native has found his niche in the hardcore division. In fact, he’s been the champion for some six months as he’s found his guitars come in handy when it comes to deciding a match.
Entrance music: Jeff Jarrett’s first WCW theme.
New Jack: Think a little Smokey Mountain Wrestling New Jack mixed with some ECW New Jack, the hardcore icon is looking to become the AWF Hardcore Champion for the second time. He won’t be without his shopping cart that includes not only a vacuum cleaner amongst other means of violence, but also a guitar of his own.
Entrance music: “Natural Born Killaz” by Dr Dre and Ice Cube.
Renee Paquette: “New Jack, New Jack, a quick moment! Now New Jack, not only are you the new AWF Hardcore Champion, but you also have won the first AWF recording contact. What can we expect from the first AWF album?”
New Jack: “You know what Renee, Imma make me a COUNTRY album! Imma make me geetarr stringin’, redneck singin’, cowboy blingin’ COUNTRY album! And you know what Renee, it’s gonna be at the top of the charts cuz all those redneck Jeff Jarrett fans is gunna buy it like hot cakes! Shout out to my homeboy Kenny Rogers and shout out to my homegirl Dolly Parton!”
Renee Paquette: “Well you’ll need to get a new guitar since you broke yours over Jeff Jarrett’s head.”
New Jack: “Nah Renee, ain’t nuthin’. I got this here geetarr.”
Renee Paquette: “But that’s Jeff’s guitar.”
New Jack: “And this here’s his cowboy hat. You see Renee, I’m ready to hit the studio right now. ‘Beat ‘em up, slap ‘em round, kick ‘em down, Rawhide…”.
Renee Paquette: “OK guys, well there you just had your new AWF Hardcore Champion and soon to be recording artist New Jack there.”
Excalibur: “And he’s already got his first track Larry.”
Larry Zbysko: “Yeah, great. Now all he needs is a cowbell. He’ll even be able to use in the studio and the ring.”
Excalibur: “Well, I guess that’s why you’re the color man Larry.”
Larry Zbysko: “And I guess you’re wearing that mask because you’re an Adonis.”
Excalibur. “OK, well next up we have the AWF World Tag Team match with the champion Lucho Bros facing Jimmy Hart’s newest tag team Los Conquistadors.”
Larry Zbysko: “Well Jimmy Hart isn’t a slouch as he’s already got them a title shot.”
Excalibur: “That’s right Larry. He promised them that if they signed with him he’d get them that title shot and he’s delivered right away.”
AWF World Tag Team Championship Match
Lucha Bros (C) vs Los Conquistadors w/ “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart
Bios:
Interview:The Lucha Bros: Think AEW Lucha Bros, they won the tag team titles from The Fabulous Rougeaus. The high-flyers are arguably the tag team in all of wrestling today and always put on a show.
Entrance music: Current AEW theme
“The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart: Think 1980s WWE Jimmy Hart, megaphone in hand, “The Mouth of the South” is one of the most successful managers in AWF history. However, with his proteges The Fabulous Rougeaus having lost their tag team titles and failed in subsequent rematches, Hart was seemingly without a viable tag team to manage until he came up with a plan.
Los Conquistadors: Signed by Jimmy Hart only a month ago, the team has never enjoyed any success much less been tag team champions in any territory much less the prestigious AWF. However, in short order Jimmy Hart has delivered a title shot to go along with the promise of fame and fortune, but there are those in the AWF who think there’s something else afoot there.
Entrance music: Mexican mariachi music.Renee Paquette: “Excalibur, I’m here with none other than ‘The Mouth of the South’ Jimmy Hart and the new AWF Tag Team Champions Los Conquistadors.”
Jimmy Hart: “Now listen here Renee baby, it’s Les Conquistadors and not Los Conquistadors.”
Conquistador 1: “Oui.”
Conquistador 2: “Oui. Oui.”
Renee Paquette: “Jimmy Hart, Los Conquistadors are from Mexico though. Why are you saying ‘Les’ Conquistadors and why are Conquistador Uno and Conquistador Dos speaking French?”
Jimmy Hart: “Now look here Renee baby, these two men are your new tag team champions and they deserve your respect. And they’re not speaking French, they’re speaking French Canadian!”
Conquistador 2: “Oui.”
Conquistador 1: “Oui. Oui.”
Jimmy Hart: “And while we’re at it Renee, it’s Conquistador Une and Conquistador Deux baby!”
Renee Paquette: “Wait a second. I’m getting word from our producer that we’ve got a live feed from your locker room. Now Jimmy Hart, who are those two men tied up in Los Conquistadors’ lock room?”
Jimmy Hart: “How the heck would we know! Now Renee baby, we gotta hit the road because we’ve got a flight back to Quebec City tonight!”
Conquistador 1: “Oui.”
Conquistador 2: “Oui, un val vers la ville de Quebec.”
Renee Paquette: “I don’t know what’s going on here Excalibur, but there go the new tag team champions.”
Excalibur: “Well it seems to me as though ‘Les’ Conquistadors having a striking resemblance to The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers!”
Larry Zbysko: “Well they’re not the only ones wearing masks, so you’d know.”
Excalibur: “Thanks Larry. OK, now we’re going to basement of the arena here and I don’t know what…. All I can see is a lantern…“
Bray Wyatt: “Freebirds. We were raised in the swamps in and around Lafayette, Louisiana. Lafayette, Louisiana may be a long way from Bad Street, but we’re going to walk to the end of that street and I wouldn’t want to be y’all when The Wyatts enter your house. Tonight Freebirds, The Wyatt Family will be the ones taking flight and becoming the new AWF Trios champions. You see, tonight the ‘free birds’ will be caged and when The Wyatt Family is finished with you and the people ask ‘whatever happened to The Freebirds’ I’ll tell them, ‘follow the buzzards.’ Hahahahaha….”
Excalibur: “OK, well on to the next match.”
Larry Zbysko: “What a creep that guy is!”
Excalibur: “The match we have up next Larry should really get you off your seat. It’s the AWF Talent of the Year match between “Hangman” Adam Page and Will Ospreay, two phenomenal AWF talents and two of the top talents in the World of wrestling today and it seems as though their respective pride has caused a little tension leading up to this match.”
AWF Talent of the Year Match
“Hangman” Adam Page vs Will Ospreay
Bios:Interview:“Hangman” Adam Page: Think modern day AEW Page, the lone cowboy has taken the AWF by storm this year.
Entrance Theme: Current AEW theme
Will Ospreay: Think modern day Will Ospreay, the AWF newcomer has also taken the AWF by storm.
Entrance Theme: Current AEW theme
Renee Paquette: “Thanks guys. I’m here with none other than Rob van Dam. Tonight Rob you face Pac who seems motivated to say the least to take your title. So my question for you Rob, is are you as motivated as Pac to win tonight?”
Rob van Dam: “Hehe. You know what Renee, I’m just as motivated as any of the boys in the back here.”
Renee Paquette: “So are you going to win tonight?”
Rob van Dam: “You never know Renee, but I’m confident…”
Renee Paquette: “Whoa, wait a second here! PAC, PAC! You’re not slated to be a part of this interv…”
Pac: “Oi, you sound really motivated ta me don’t ya boy? Some champion you are.”
Rob van Dam: “Whoa, Bro. You need to chill, this is…”
Pac: “What did you just call me? What the FOOK did you just call me? I’m not your ‘Bro’ and don’t ever tell me ta ‘chill’!”
Rob van Dam: “Hehe, I got your whole schtick man, and I like it, but…”
Pac: “My ‘schtick’? The fook are you on aboot? And what is so damn funny? Are you fookin’ high? Are ye? You’re fookin’ high! I ken see it! You’re the fookin’ champ and you’re fookin’ high! You don’t deserve that title and tonight I’m going ta take it off ya!”
Rob van Dam: “You know what man, I really respect you and you’re impressive. The way you can come on here and get really pissed off, over nothing, is really impressive bro, it is. And I think I’ve figured out the source of your anger. It’s that all the fan’s always chant the name of their favorite AWF superstar and the Champion, ROB… VAN… DAM!”
AWF Trios Championship Match with “Bad Street” Rules in a Steel Cage
The Fabulous Freebirds (C) vs The Wyatt Family
Bios:Interview:Bray Wyatt: In terms of look he's the very early Bray Wyatt of Florida wrestling and TNA, but in terms of physique he's the The Fiend. New to the AWF he and his Wyatt Family have made quite the splash and his promos are like nothing the AWF fans have ever seen.
Entrance Theme: Wyatt Family theme
Rowan: Rowan is the first Wyatt Family member to join the group who wasn't directly related to Bray Wyatt himself. However Rowan is a childhood friend of Wyatt's when they grew up together in northwestern Florida. A monster in the ring whose loyalty to Bray Wyatt is beyond question. Think Rowan of the Wyatt Family with the green jumpsuit and white sheep mask.
Entrance Theme: Wyatt Family theme
"The Black Sheep" (Braun Strowman): His The newest member of The Wyatt Family, The Black Sheep has left a path of destruction in his wake. Relatively unknown apart from the physical monster and imposing figure he is in and even out of the ring. identity is revealed in the match notes, but the Black Sheep is an imposing figure. He wears old,dirty jeans, a dirty white tank top with a cutoff army shirt jacket over it.
Entrance Theme: Wyatt Family theme
Terry “Bam Bam” Gordy: Think early 80s Gordy of the Freebirds, he’s one of the toughest SOBs in the AWF and not afraid to mix it up with anyone else. Of course wielding a cowboy boot hasn’t hurt his career any.
Entrance Theme: “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Michael “PS” Hayes: Think early 80s Hayes of the Freebirds, the “talker” of the Freebirds is always popular with the ladies regardless of whether or not The Freebirds are fan favorites or not.
Entrance Theme: “Freebird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Buddy “Jack” Roberts: Think mid to late Roberts (to shave off a few years), don’t let his size fool you as Roberts is a Freebird for a reason and that reason being he can mix it up.”
Entrance theme: “Freebird” by Lynyrd SkynyrdRenee Paquette: “I’m here with Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner, and tonight…”
Buff Bagwell: “Let me help you out Renee. TONIGHT, Buff, will be the stuff, and the ladies won’t be able to get enough!”
Renee Paquette: “Actually Buff, I was going to say that tonight Scott Steiner has a title match against Rick Rude and Scott if I could just get a word…”
Scott Steiner: “You can get anything you want baby. You ever been with a real man?”
Renee Paquette: “Actually, I’m married to…”
Scott Steiner: “I said a REAL man.”
Renee Paquette: “OK, well let’s stay on topic here. Tonight you face a real man and that man’s name is Rick Rude.”
Scott Steiner: “You know what Rick Rude, Big Poppa Pump isn’t gonna lie. You’ve got an impressive physique… but it looks to me like you skipped leg day! And while you might think you’re a ladies man dancin’ like a Chippendales dancer with that cheesy 70s porn star hair and mustache, you’re not the Big Bad Booty Daddy. You might get some ladies when you go back to that hick town of Robbinsdale, Minnesota, but when Big Poppa Pump goes to any town all his freaks come around . ‘Cause you see, I’m a genetic freak, and I’m the man with the largest arms in the World. You see Renee, size DOES matter, whether I’m in the ring or outta the ring. When all my freaks are horizontal, they appreciate size and they know they don’t have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 480 degree axis to create an Equinox so they can see the Big Dipper. All they gotta do is call the Big Poppa ‘cause I’m the man with the Big Dipper and satisfaction is comin’ when I go behind… and do the bump and grind… and it’s only a matter of time… because they call me the Big Bad Booty Daddy. So Rick Rude, realize this. I care about only two things in this World. My freaks and my peaks. And when I beat your ass down tonight and I’m about to put you in the Steiner Recliner I’m gonna whisper in your ear ‘size does matter, BITCH!’”
AWF Television Championship Match
Rob Van Dam (C) vs “The Bastard” Pac
Bios:Interview:Rob Van Dam: Think late ECW and early WWE Van Dam, the high-flyer is one of the AWF’s top talents. Not only is he a worth Television champion in the ring, but Monday night Turmoil’s ratings always go up when he has a match.
Entrance music: WWE theme
“The Bastard” Pac: Think AEW Pac, the self-titled “bastard” is exactly that. However, he has chops in the ring to back it up.
Renee Paquette: “Excalibur, Larry, I am here with the AWF World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan. Now Daniel Bryan, tonight you face Sting for the first time since won the championship from him some six months ago. However, in the last month or so Sting has been tormenting you…”
Daniel Bryan: “Damnit Renee! I’m not being tormented! I’m the champion now. Sting’s crass and selfish behavior only ever held me back because he wouldn’t give me a title shot. Sting, with his bleach-blonde hair, his face paint, his shiny AWF title…. Sting was the symbol of the despicable, ignorant masses that are the AWF universe. I am the symbol of change. I don’t color my hair. I don’t paint my face. I threw away the shiny title belt for this new World Heavyweight belt. And I’m considered dangerous because of my ideas and that’s why people fear me.”
Renee Paquette: “I think people fear you Daniel because you viciously attacked Sting, wiping off his face paint and trying to un-bleach his hair.”
Daniel Bryan: “I told everyone Renee that when I became champion I would introduce new symbols. I am the new symbol of the AWF. I am the symbol of excellence. I am the symbol of what a real champion should be.”
Renee Paquette: “Well Daniel, Sting seems to be a new symbol for the fans this past month as he looks a different man even up in the rafters of an arena.”
Daniel Bryan: “Renee, the entire AWF universe is fickle. Sting a symbol for the AWF fans? They used to cheer for me Renee. And now they don’t. Now they cheer for Sting. Well that’s fine by me. ‘Yes’ is dead. It’s DEAD. I am here to make wrestling better. I am here to make wrestling real. I am here to make the AWF a better place and when all of you fickle AWF fans are silent when I come to the ring, I know I’m changing wrestling for the better while Sting is just out there for the fans. And Sting. You think you’re some sort of anti-hero, some sort of loner like me. Well tonight Sting, when I get through with you and the AWF universe watches in silence, you’ll really feel what it’s like to be alone.”
AWF United States Heavyweight Championship Match
“Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner (C) with Buff Bagwell vs “Ravishing” Rick Rude
Bio:Interview:“Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner: Think WCW “Big Poppa Pump”, Steiner is one of the toughest competitors in the AWF. The United States Champion cares as much about his pecks and glutes as he does the title, but he also loves his hoochies.
Entrance music: WCW theme
Buff Bagwell: Think WCW Buff when he was with Steiner, Bagwell loves hangin’ with Steiner because all they do lift weights and hit the ladies every day.
Entrance music: Same theme as Steiner
“Ravishing” Rick Rude: Think 80s Rude, the self-styled “ravishing” one is a huge hit with the ladies. He’s also a tough competitor in the squared circle and there’s more to Rude than just his good looks.
Entrance music: 80s WWE theme
Excalibur: “Well it’s time for the main event Larry, the AWF World Heavyweight Title match between the challenger Sting and the champion Daniel Bryan. Now how we got here is really incredible as Daniel Bryan went from a fan favorite to one of the most hated, one of the most ruthless and one of the most dangerous AWF World Heavyweight Champions ever.”
Larry Zbysko: “Yeah, it was a shocking turn from Daniel Bryan, but I have to applaud him for it because now he’s the champion. He made the change and it paid off for him.”
Excalibur: “After Daniel Bryan’s vicious attack on Sting, he’s not the only one who is changed. This past month we’ve seen a new Sting, a darker Sting. Gone is the blonde hair, gone is the colorful face paint, gone are the Stinger shouts.”
Larry Zbysko: “Well you’ve got that right. The guy hasn’t said a word. Still, we don’t know what Sting is going to be able to do against Daniel Bryan. Remember, Daniel Bryan is the one who took way the blonde hair and the colorful face paint. He’s the one who silenced one of the greatest AWF champions ever. And if you ask me Daniel Bryan looks even more focused and more dangerous since he won the title.”
Excalibur: “I don’t disagree Larry…”
Larry Zbysko: “Of course you don’t!”
Excalibur: “As I was saying, I don’t disagree, but I think everything Daniel Bryan has done to Sting, everything that Daniel Bryan has done as champion, it’s changed Sting and I think he’s more dangerous and more focused than when he was champion.”
Larry Zbysko: “Well there’s only one way we’re going to find out and it’s not from talking about it all night.”
Excalibur: “Correct, and the moment of truth has now arrived Larry, and there go the lights.”
Larry Zbysko: “I can’t see a damn thing!”
Excalibur: “Nor can I. And now the lights are back and there’s Sting.”
Larry Zbysko: “Yeah, but he’s just standing there facing the turnbuckle with his back to ramp.”
Excalibur: “And now he comes the AWF World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan…”
AWF World Heavyweight Championship Match
Daniel Bryan (C) vs Sting
Bios:Daniel Bryan: Think WWE “environmentalist” Daniel Bryan in appearance, generally wearing a flannel with his wrestling trunks on the way to the ring. Arguably the best technical wrestler in the World, the AWF World Champion used to be a big fan favorite until he turned. Now he hates most things AWF and is looking remold the organization in his liking. He started by dumping the AWF World Heavyweight Championship in the garbage and replacing it with his own belt.
Entrance music: Bryan’s 2019 WWE theme
Sting: Think WCW “Crow” Sting. One of the all time greatest wrestlers in the AWF, “surfer” Sting was a five time World Heavyweight Champion before losing the title to Bryan. Now, his career ever altered, he looks to get his revenge on Daniel Bryan, whether that means winning back his title or not.
Entrance music: Sting’s “Crow” theme from WCW
-VS-
branimal84:
Ted Turner's Nautical Disaster
Boating enthusiast and media visionary Ted Turner has once again thrown his proverbial captain's hat into the squared circle. Yearning to be free of any governmental oversight, Ted has targeted international waters as his card's location with a ring constructed atop one of his many multi-million dollar yachts. Although Ted had to be talked out of pirating his old television channel, TBS Superstation, by hooking up a 50 pound c-band dish on the starboard bow, he was assured there are far less troublesome ways to go about broadcasting his event.
If you're going to run a show in uncharted waters, you need the right kind of security to fend off any criminals who may wish to ruin the festivities. Although Ted was advised he could hire any elite squad of mercenaries out there, he explicitly said there was only one man for the job. A man who was tough enough to fend off the entire WWF locker room in 1994. A man who does not even sleep. He just waits.
That man is Chuck Norris.
And of course, how can Ted Turner present a wrasslin' card without the most overpaid man in ring announcing history, Michael Buffer.
Finally, Ted needed a big attraction. What do Americans love more than unregulated mayhem? Monster trucks! Ted hired former professional wrestler and former monster truck driver Madusa to bring her gigantic truck aboard for the fans to marvel at as it looked over the ring.
Iron Mike Sharpe vs. Barry Horowitz (Walk The Plank Match)
Special Enforcers: Jean Pierre Lafitte & "Pirate" Paul Burchill
Following last year’s astonishing double count out in which both men lost their wrestling licences with neither managing to pull out a win, the duo have negotiated another shot at greatness. Crafting quite possibly the most dangerous match imaginable with the highest stakes possible, the loser will have to “walk the plank” before plummeting into the ocean seemingly never to be seen again.
Whomever is the unlucky soul to walk the plank, the team of Pirate Paul Burchill and Jean Pierre Lafitte will make sure their word is honored.
Bruce Hart v. "Mega Man" Tom Magee
Following his triumphant banishment of evil forces last year, Bruce continues to enjoy a relaxing life performing various sneers in the mirror of his basement bathroom while wearing aviator sunglasses and his accompanying American Flag headband. It all changes when he is told of a long-lost infamous match involving wrestling prodigy Tom Magee and a member of his family. Furious that Magee's only claim to fame came at the expense of his family's name, Bruce demanded a match against the Mega Man himself. If it’s said a Hart can truly get the best out of Magee, well, they haven’t met Bruce!
The Shark v. Shark Boy (Shark Cage Match)
After having acquired a terrifyingly accurate Shark tattoo to mirror his successful gimmick, Shark Boy was attacked while taking in an all-you-can-eat buffet at his local seafood restaurant. His attacker? Why none other than THE SHARK himself, John Tenta. Covered in a mixture of tartar and cocktail sauce, Tenta screamed with anger as discarded fish flesh coated his target as he lay prone on the floor. Overhearing his nautical neighbours discussing this brawl, Turner reaches out to Shark Boy asking if he’d like his crack at revenge on the high seas. Locked inside the confines of a steel cage, we will truly find out who is the biggest fish in the sea!
Nick Gage (w/ Verne Gagne) v. Nick Aldis (NWA Championship)
Once again having cheated death on a lighttube-littered ring of Bloody Bowels IX on some backwater farm, Gage looked out in the crowd of onlookers to see a surprising face - wrestling legend Verne Gagne. Gagne, having just run a 40k marathon without breaking a sweat, approached Gage with an offer - ditch these dingy mud shows for a shot at immortality; a shot at greatness. Turn his catchphrase of MDK - Murder, Death, Kill - to MDK - Mindful Determination and Know-How! Nick Aldis, a guest of Verne’s at the show, overheard the discussion asking Verne what he was doing, “we’re here to laugh at these Neanderthals”. Gage takes offence and grabs the nearest barb-wire covered flaming lighttube before Gagne calms him down. Gage relents and tells Gagne he has a deal. After a relentless six week training camp inside an old Minnesota barn in the dead of winter, Gagne has forged Gage into not only a stamina machine, but a technical wrestling specialist and has accepted Turner’s offer to showcase a wrestling clinic on the high seas.
Bad News Brown v. Bad News Barrett
Outside of a mall where he is employed as a security guard, Bad News Brown is accosted by Bad News Barrett atop his maddeningly and dangerously large fifty foot podium; one that takes an astonishing 15 minutes to come to its full height. Banging his gavel atop with the ferocity of a rabid dog, Barrett announces that he has some BAD NEWS for Brown. Although Brown recently busted Barrett for attempting to shoplift black armbands from the sports shop on the second level, Barrett has applied for copyright of the Bad News name threatening to sue Brown if he uses the name at future conventions or merchandise sales. Should Brown wish to challenge Barrett for the name, Barrett requests that if he wins, his record be wiped clean and his picture immediately be taken down from the security office so he can once again come inside and purchase an Orange Julius.
Hiromu Takahashi v. Elix Skipper
Harkening back to the heyday of WCW Nitro, Turner wanted to book two of the wrestlers who could do that "crazy flippy stuff" he used to love watching. Skipper, the anchor of the much maligned faction "Sports Entertainment X-treme", accepted Turner's invite. Upon arrival, Skipper was disappointed to see his planned opponent Takahashi brought along his stuffed companion Daryl, believing Daryl is a blight on the grappling industry. It isn't long before Daryl goes missing and Skipper is unveiled as the culprit. Distraught, Takahashi pleads for his safe return. Skipper offers a solution: hang Daryl atop a pole in the corner of the ring. The first one to grab him is the winner, but if Skipper snags him first, he is free and clear to chuck the stuffed animal overboard, never to be seen again.
Meat (Shawn Stasiak) v. "The Meat Man" John Silver (special guest referee Lacy Evans)
Billed as the ultimate battle of the beef with wrestling's classiest lady agreeing to referee the bout, Silver and Stasiak were set to collide on the high seas. Unfortunately, before the match could even begin, Stasiak ran at Silver to launch an attack before the bell and with a slight dodge on the part of Silver, Stasiak ran into the ship's railing and fell overboard.
Jon Moxley v. Raven (Last Man Standing Match)
If Jon Moxley wins, he gets 10 minutes with Terrible Ted the Wrestling Bear
Looking for a superstar to anchor his card, Ted Turner reaches out to Moxley, one of today’s biggest draws. Although Mox is interested in the idea of wrestling on a card in international waters, he feels it isn’t quite dangerous enough. Looking to sweeten the deal, Turner offers up an ultra-violent and cerebral competitor in Raven as Jon’s adversary. Jon is leaning toward accepting the offer, but something is missing. Ted has an idea. Ted’s connections in the wrestling industry run deep and he promises Jon something he can’t refuse. Should he compete and SHOULD he be able to get past Raven, he can have 10 minutes with TERRIBLE TED the wrestling bear. Jon immediately packs his bag, determined to put on the greatest show imaginable.
FTR w/ Lance Storm v. Camp Cornette (Owen Hart and British Bulldog with Jim Cornette)
The show's main event and a bonefied dream match on any card in the world featuring one of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time in Owen Hart, alongside his powerhouse brother-in-law The British Bulldog taking on one of today's hottest tag teams in FTR.
Much like his brother Bruce, Owen is tired of all these modern day wrestlers leaching off of his family name. In fact, he went out and made his own name in the business. The same can be said for Davey Boy and alongside their longtime manager Jim Cornette, they've established themselves as a legendary team.
The top offenders of the Hart family theiverary are none other than Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler, FTR. Owen became incensed after seeing their blatant rip off of his legendary Madison Square Garden match.
In the weeks leading up the match, Owen and Bulldog play a series of pranks on Dax and Cash. Owen releases thirty to fifty feral hogs on Dax's property. Bulldog signs Cash up for a lifetime subscription of Muscle and Fitness Magazine so he can see what real men look like. Owen and Bulldog repeatedly convince perennial jobber Ken Raper that he is constantly booked in six man tags across the country alongside Cash and Dax infuriating the duo who are too good to deny Raper a payday.
Owen cuts the breaks on Dax's car.
You know.. harmless pranks!
In retaliation, FTR showed up at Jim Cornette's home while he was recording an episode of his popular podcast and slammed his face into a cake much to the chagrin of co-host Brian Last.
In order to even up the odds and keep Cornette in check, FTR reached out to another legendary Calgary wrestler in Lance Storm to keep the match from
going off the rails.
Boating enthusiast and media visionary Ted Turner has once again thrown his proverbial captain's hat into the squared circle. Yearning to be free of any governmental oversight, Ted has targeted international waters as his card's location with a ring constructed atop one of his many multi-million dollar yachts. Although Ted had to be talked out of pirating his old television channel, TBS Superstation, by hooking up a 50 pound c-band dish on the starboard bow, he was assured there are far less troublesome ways to go about broadcasting his event.
If you're going to run a show in uncharted waters, you need the right kind of security to fend off any criminals who may wish to ruin the festivities. Although Ted was advised he could hire any elite squad of mercenaries out there, he explicitly said there was only one man for the job. A man who was tough enough to fend off the entire WWF locker room in 1994. A man who does not even sleep. He just waits.
That man is Chuck Norris.
And of course, how can Ted Turner present a wrasslin' card without the most overpaid man in ring announcing history, Michael Buffer.
Finally, Ted needed a big attraction. What do Americans love more than unregulated mayhem? Monster trucks! Ted hired former professional wrestler and former monster truck driver Madusa to bring her gigantic truck aboard for the fans to marvel at as it looked over the ring.
Iron Mike Sharpe vs. Barry Horowitz (Walk The Plank Match)
Special Enforcers: Jean Pierre Lafitte & "Pirate" Paul Burchill
Following last year’s astonishing double count out in which both men lost their wrestling licences with neither managing to pull out a win, the duo have negotiated another shot at greatness. Crafting quite possibly the most dangerous match imaginable with the highest stakes possible, the loser will have to “walk the plank” before plummeting into the ocean seemingly never to be seen again.
Whomever is the unlucky soul to walk the plank, the team of Pirate Paul Burchill and Jean Pierre Lafitte will make sure their word is honored.
Bruce Hart v. "Mega Man" Tom Magee
Following his triumphant banishment of evil forces last year, Bruce continues to enjoy a relaxing life performing various sneers in the mirror of his basement bathroom while wearing aviator sunglasses and his accompanying American Flag headband. It all changes when he is told of a long-lost infamous match involving wrestling prodigy Tom Magee and a member of his family. Furious that Magee's only claim to fame came at the expense of his family's name, Bruce demanded a match against the Mega Man himself. If it’s said a Hart can truly get the best out of Magee, well, they haven’t met Bruce!
The Shark v. Shark Boy (Shark Cage Match)
After having acquired a terrifyingly accurate Shark tattoo to mirror his successful gimmick, Shark Boy was attacked while taking in an all-you-can-eat buffet at his local seafood restaurant. His attacker? Why none other than THE SHARK himself, John Tenta. Covered in a mixture of tartar and cocktail sauce, Tenta screamed with anger as discarded fish flesh coated his target as he lay prone on the floor. Overhearing his nautical neighbours discussing this brawl, Turner reaches out to Shark Boy asking if he’d like his crack at revenge on the high seas. Locked inside the confines of a steel cage, we will truly find out who is the biggest fish in the sea!
Nick Gage (w/ Verne Gagne) v. Nick Aldis (NWA Championship)
Once again having cheated death on a lighttube-littered ring of Bloody Bowels IX on some backwater farm, Gage looked out in the crowd of onlookers to see a surprising face - wrestling legend Verne Gagne. Gagne, having just run a 40k marathon without breaking a sweat, approached Gage with an offer - ditch these dingy mud shows for a shot at immortality; a shot at greatness. Turn his catchphrase of MDK - Murder, Death, Kill - to MDK - Mindful Determination and Know-How! Nick Aldis, a guest of Verne’s at the show, overheard the discussion asking Verne what he was doing, “we’re here to laugh at these Neanderthals”. Gage takes offence and grabs the nearest barb-wire covered flaming lighttube before Gagne calms him down. Gage relents and tells Gagne he has a deal. After a relentless six week training camp inside an old Minnesota barn in the dead of winter, Gagne has forged Gage into not only a stamina machine, but a technical wrestling specialist and has accepted Turner’s offer to showcase a wrestling clinic on the high seas.
Bad News Brown v. Bad News Barrett
Outside of a mall where he is employed as a security guard, Bad News Brown is accosted by Bad News Barrett atop his maddeningly and dangerously large fifty foot podium; one that takes an astonishing 15 minutes to come to its full height. Banging his gavel atop with the ferocity of a rabid dog, Barrett announces that he has some BAD NEWS for Brown. Although Brown recently busted Barrett for attempting to shoplift black armbands from the sports shop on the second level, Barrett has applied for copyright of the Bad News name threatening to sue Brown if he uses the name at future conventions or merchandise sales. Should Brown wish to challenge Barrett for the name, Barrett requests that if he wins, his record be wiped clean and his picture immediately be taken down from the security office so he can once again come inside and purchase an Orange Julius.
Hiromu Takahashi v. Elix Skipper
Harkening back to the heyday of WCW Nitro, Turner wanted to book two of the wrestlers who could do that "crazy flippy stuff" he used to love watching. Skipper, the anchor of the much maligned faction "Sports Entertainment X-treme", accepted Turner's invite. Upon arrival, Skipper was disappointed to see his planned opponent Takahashi brought along his stuffed companion Daryl, believing Daryl is a blight on the grappling industry. It isn't long before Daryl goes missing and Skipper is unveiled as the culprit. Distraught, Takahashi pleads for his safe return. Skipper offers a solution: hang Daryl atop a pole in the corner of the ring. The first one to grab him is the winner, but if Skipper snags him first, he is free and clear to chuck the stuffed animal overboard, never to be seen again.
Meat (Shawn Stasiak) v. "The Meat Man" John Silver (special guest referee Lacy Evans)
Billed as the ultimate battle of the beef with wrestling's classiest lady agreeing to referee the bout, Silver and Stasiak were set to collide on the high seas. Unfortunately, before the match could even begin, Stasiak ran at Silver to launch an attack before the bell and with a slight dodge on the part of Silver, Stasiak ran into the ship's railing and fell overboard.
Jon Moxley v. Raven (Last Man Standing Match)
If Jon Moxley wins, he gets 10 minutes with Terrible Ted the Wrestling Bear
Looking for a superstar to anchor his card, Ted Turner reaches out to Moxley, one of today’s biggest draws. Although Mox is interested in the idea of wrestling on a card in international waters, he feels it isn’t quite dangerous enough. Looking to sweeten the deal, Turner offers up an ultra-violent and cerebral competitor in Raven as Jon’s adversary. Jon is leaning toward accepting the offer, but something is missing. Ted has an idea. Ted’s connections in the wrestling industry run deep and he promises Jon something he can’t refuse. Should he compete and SHOULD he be able to get past Raven, he can have 10 minutes with TERRIBLE TED the wrestling bear. Jon immediately packs his bag, determined to put on the greatest show imaginable.
FTR w/ Lance Storm v. Camp Cornette (Owen Hart and British Bulldog with Jim Cornette)
The show's main event and a bonefied dream match on any card in the world featuring one of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time in Owen Hart, alongside his powerhouse brother-in-law The British Bulldog taking on one of today's hottest tag teams in FTR.
Much like his brother Bruce, Owen is tired of all these modern day wrestlers leaching off of his family name. In fact, he went out and made his own name in the business. The same can be said for Davey Boy and alongside their longtime manager Jim Cornette, they've established themselves as a legendary team.
The top offenders of the Hart family theiverary are none other than Dax Harwood and Cash Wheeler, FTR. Owen became incensed after seeing their blatant rip off of his legendary Madison Square Garden match.
In the weeks leading up the match, Owen and Bulldog play a series of pranks on Dax and Cash. Owen releases thirty to fifty feral hogs on Dax's property. Bulldog signs Cash up for a lifetime subscription of Muscle and Fitness Magazine so he can see what real men look like. Owen and Bulldog repeatedly convince perennial jobber Ken Raper that he is constantly booked in six man tags across the country alongside Cash and Dax infuriating the duo who are too good to deny Raper a payday.
Owen cuts the breaks on Dax's car.
You know.. harmless pranks!
In retaliation, FTR showed up at Jim Cornette's home while he was recording an episode of his popular podcast and slammed his face into a cake much to the chagrin of co-host Brian Last.
In order to even up the odds and keep Cornette in check, FTR reached out to another legendary Calgary wrestler in Lance Storm to keep the match from
going off the rails.
