Fun Thread: Everybody has a chance to make the Leafs - Shanahan

[Pookie]

Well, you heard the man:

"Everybody has a chance to make the team," Shanahan wrote. "It's up to each individual to force their way into the lineup."

http://slam.canoe.com/Slam/Hockey/NHL/Toronto/2015/09/10/22550617.html

Saweeeeeet…. You are telling me there is a chance. Open call for tryouts. Here's my resume:

• 42 years old and I am versatile. If you scouted me in rec league you'd know that I may start out on the wing but once I see the 4 SOBs that are supposedly my teammates rushing the zone and realize that there is no one left on D, I end up dropping back. Call me Mr Responsible.
  
• my hand eye coordination is fantastic. I can hit a stationary golf ball after 4 beers and it still goes down the middle…. I think
  
• I am a motivator. When we have a rental goalie for rec league, I'm the first guy to make him feel at ease. I usually skate over and tap him on the pads and calm his spirit by saying "Just save the first 5 rebounds, we'll get back eventually"
  
• fitness. I'm good at that one. Cardio 3-4 x a week but the one catch is that I need 80's glam metal music in the dressing room to feel motivated. I will need to come out to "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by the Scorpions and "Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode is our goal song. No debate on these points.
  
• - Can I borrow one of those fancy sticks? I'm generally picking mine out of the sale rack at Canadian Tire.
  
• Tell your skate sharpener to stop asking me questions about the hollow or other preferences. In my day, you didn't have a choice. You gave your skates to your dad and he brought them back. He might have put them in a machine or gave him to the chain smoker in the cubby hole at the arena. Don't care as long as they weren't too sharp that when you tried to stop you didn't go arse over tea kettle into the boards.
  
• Speaking of which, sometimes I fall down over the blue line for no reason at all. Must be the skates. Don't know why but it seems to happen at least 5 x a season. When it does, I'm going on injured reserve for about 2 weeks with neck pain.
  
• Even if I don't fall down, I'm probably at risk for the injured reserve list if I sleep the "wrong way"
  
• Unlike Kadri, I will be at all practices early because I get up 2-3 times a night to pee. Could be the 4 beers at golf…

Thanks Brendan. Looking forward to it

What do YOU bring to the table?

Click to read more...

 

[mmalady]

lololol...awesome..looking forward to this one

 

[Dylbot]

30 years of age, but physical condition of a 27 year old; except for my knees, and right shoulder, they're kinda screwed up. And currently my left hip that I bruised doing a drunken interpretive dance two weeks ago. That said, I don't party too hard these days because the hangovers last 48 hours.

I can hold my breath for 2.5 minutes while sitting stationary. A couple beers seems to help. Thus far this does not seem to translate into endurance on the ice in any way, but I have the utmost faith in your elite training staff.

I can perform the follow parlour trick and feat of strength. While holding my right ear with my left hand, and my left big toe with my right hand, I can stand up using only my right leg. So if an opponent and I fall down, and I will fall down, and there's an unusual mishap involving crazy glue, you know who will be back up and into the play first.

I can skate like the wind. I model my game after Jason Blake. Fast to the outside, every time... The nice thing about this is that when I make a terrible shot or lose the puck I can circle back quick on to the defensive to recover the puck and repeat the process.

My equipment is all 10 plus years old, so I have no doubt that upon signing a contract and being able to afford the lighter equipments of today, I can go even faster to the outside and back upon the turnover.

I have some conditions:

I request indie folk rock be played in the dressing room. People are too aggressive these days and I think we want our team to set a good example for youngsters, no? This passive but fun loving genre will help us get in the right mind set for that.

I can't play Friday nights. That's the wife and my's date night.

I will conclude by pointing out that should a military draft be implemented you can be assured that will be rejected. I have the flatest feet known to man.

Looking forward to the opportunity.

 

[Pookie]

Good catch on date night. Forgot about that one.

I would add that if my wife arranges for the Kids to stay at Grandmas for a week at any point during the season or playoffs, I won't be with the team. Tell the reporters it's for "personal reasons" and add a wink. They will understand.

 

[The Winter Soldier]

It was a great start for Nylander last night, let's see how he does against the pros. But it certainly looks like he is ready to force his way into the Leafs line up this year. Good timing with Kessel leaving.

 

[Pookie]

It was a great start for Nylander last night, let's see how he does against the pros. But it certainly looks like he is ready to force his way into the Leafs line up this year. Good timing with Kessel leaving.

Dude. This isn't about Nylander it's about YOUR chance for glory.

Shanahan has given us all an invitation. What does the Mentalist bring to the table to make this team better?

 

[Quarter]

I'm a nice guy. I try hard. I love the game.

 

[Primary Assist]

I set my college's win record for our Division 2 club team in Southern California. Why haven't I been scouted yet? Hunter??? Anyone???

 

[LeafsFIO*]

Maybe I can recreate flow + wings that I donned during high school, play on a line with Nylander and watch the sparks (and hair) fly.

Then again, that was before Gongshow Gear turned everyone with flowing hair into an automatic ****** by association

 

[Mess]

Well as a hockey player I once had 3 goals 4 assists in my best CIS University hockey game. It was like my Darryl Sittler 10 point night equivalent.

I was selected to play in a charity game against Vancouver Canuck alumni and recorded 1 goal and 1 assist in a 7-4 loss against former NHLers. Scoring a goal against NHL players in the NHL arena the highlight of my Hockey career.

However that was my days as a player.. Now I have turned my focus and attention to amateur scouting as a draft junkie and catch 100's of junior games a season.. I even took a NHL sponsored scouting clinic course a couple of decades ago when I wanted to see what was all involved in scouting.

So If I were to apply to Shanny I'd say Mark Hunter should hire me as an amateur scout for the Maple Leafs. I have met Leafs scout Garth Malarchuk and even spoken to him in the past.

 

[Gary Nylund]

30 years of age, but physical condition of a 27 year old; except for my knees, and right shoulder, they're kinda screwed up. And currently my left hip that I bruised doing a drunken interpretive dance two weeks ago. That said, I don't party too hard these days because the hangovers last 48 hours.

I can hold my breath for 2.5 minutes while sitting stationary. A couple beers seems to help. Thus far this does not seem to translate into endurance on the ice in any way, but I have the utmost faith in your elite training staff.

I can perform the follow parlour trick and feat of strength. While holding my right ear with my left hand, and my left big toe with my right hand, I can stand up using only my right leg. So if an opponent and I fall down, and I will fall down, and there's an unusual mishap involving crazy glue, you know who will be back up and into the play first.

I can skate like the wind. I model my game after Jason Blake. Fast to the outside, every time... The nice thing about this is that when I make a terrible shot or lose the puck I can circle back quick on to the defensive to recover the puck and repeat the process.

My equipment is all 10 plus years old, so I have no doubt that upon signing a contract and being able to afford the lighter equipments of today, I can go even faster to the outside and back upon the turnover.

I have some conditions:

I request indie folk rock be played in the dressing room. People are too aggressive these days and I think we want our team to set a good example for youngsters, no? This passive but fun loving genre will help us get in the right mind set for that.

I can't play Friday nights. That's the wife and my's date night.

I will conclude by pointing out that should a military draft be implemented you can be assured that will be rejected. I have the flatest feet known to man.

Looking forward to the opportunity.

I LOL'd.

 

[crump]

I could break one of Gordie Howe's records, unfortunately it's probably for the Oldest player to be injured in an NHL game.

 

[Gary Nylund]

I'm 52 and um ... I can still skate ... um, I mean I'm pretty sure I can still skate, I haven't actually been on skates in a number of years and um ... ahh, that's all I got.

I guess I'll take myself out of the running and stick to being a fan.

Go Leafs go!

 

[LeafSteel]

43 years old, spent the last 15 years in customer service, so I have a lot of anger and aggression I could bring to the rink.

Intense background in wrestling and football, we wouldn't be coming in to Miley freakin' Cyrus, we'd be cranking to Judas Priest and 5 Finger Death Punch, and our goal song would be Shoot To Thrill, by AC/DC.

I live by and play by the following adage: Forecheck first.
Backcheck next.
Cross-check as needed.

You don't need to worry about concussions with me because no one would be able to tell the difference, and if I do fall down, I always make sure to try to take someone with me.

If you sign me, Stamkos would follow for sure, as he would much rather be on my team than play against me. I would lay a wicked two-hander on his ankles as I lay helplessly on the ice, and he knows it. He also knows that if MLSE paid me $100k, I would drop the gloves against King Kong AND Godzilla if necessary, so Stamkos to Toronto would be a done deal.

I can also help the team with a detailed financial plan for life after hockey, so I can bring value on and off the ice.

I await my PTO offer.

BB

 

[King Mapes]

Awesome Pookie. Great thread idea. I lol'd at most of this.

 

[Gabriel426]

As of now, I have an undefeated record as a goalie against all Professional Hockey teams including those in the NHL. It just so happened I have a winless record against them too.

lastly, I got great hair.

 

[Shanty]

I am REALLY good at EA NHL. In NHL 12, I once set the difficulty up to max. I didn't win, but man did I get close.

Your move, Shanahan.

 

[ThrowDemTongs]

My BJJ and Muy Thai skills are pretty slick... so... pick me or else.

 

[jjjshab]

I'm a nice guy. I try hard. I love the game.

a single tear just rolled down my face

 

[Swervin81]

I'm 20 years old and I get pucks in deep. My sole purpose in life is to get pucks in deep. The only thing that gives me more satisfaction than getting pucks in deep is getting pucks in deeper.

 

[diceman934]

I am 100 years old minus 44 years old....just trying to keep your mine sharp. I have skated recently and still have speed, well as I never had great speed it's hard to lose what you never had.

I have become a great passer of the puck as it simply is too far to skate all the way down the ice. I keep my shifts short and have no problem with 6 to 8 minutes a game in total ice time. I like serving penalties as I get more rest, as long as the time keeper wakes me up from my nap while serving the penalty.

If you could use me call me between 7am and 9am as I am most coherent during this time....otherwise I maybe napping, resting or consuming adults beverages.

 

[HEAVY DUTY]

I'm 20 years old and I get pucks in deep. My sole purpose in life is to get pucks in deep. The only thing that gives me more satisfaction than getting pucks in deep is getting pucks in deeper.

That's deep bro.

 

[Mitchy]

I'm a nice guy. I try hard. I love the game.

We'll miss you, man. Hope they have good hot dogs in Pittsburgh.

 

[Finnish your Czech]

I have almost 50,000 posts on a hockey message board. I think the rest speaks for itself.

When can I expect my signing bonus?

 

[LighthouseKeepr]

Awesome thread, thanks for starting it Pookie!