The Players' Tribune: Corey Hirsch on mental illness: "Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark, Dark"

[HockeyGuruPitka]

I cannot say i suffer from mental illness, however can say that this article has helped me become more aware of the pain caused by mental illness. Powerful messages here ; sufferers can come forward for help without feeling shame or disgust, and help educate those who do not know their pain.

 

[BrannigansLaw]

I didn't know I was having a panic attack. I just thought I was going crazy and was just trying to hang on, stay safe under that blanket and hope it goes away.

I went to my family doctor several times throughout that month and he never suggested I was having panic attacks/anxiety even though I described my feelings to a tee.

It was my mother that finally came to me and suggested we might be experiencing a similar thing she read in a book, panic attacks.

I balled my eyes out to finally know what was happening. Didn't make it stop but it sure helped to put a name to it.

Then I looked into panic attacks more and found out that they are real, not just mental. They are triggered by thoughts but they are also physical. When you have a panic attack your kidneys release adrenaline like you are being hunted, you become afraid like you are about to be murdered, that adrenaline stays in your bloodstream for 5 minutes and every time you get scared again you get another 5 minutes of adrenaline. It's an endless cycle, and triggered by thoughts (not images, just thoughts, words in your brain) that you don't like. Those scary thoughts just keep adding up until your brain and body are so tired you can then fall asleep for a bit and have a bit of peace. The most beautiful peaceful moment of your life at that time.

I don't really get panic attacks anymore and the "cure" for me was simply getting so sick of having them that when one started coming on I was so indifferent to it that they stopped taking hold. Hard to explain that part, but that's what got me over it for the most part (it never goes completely away)

I can totally relate to this. I remember when I first started having severe panic attacks that I couldn't even sleep for two days straight. It wasn't until I finally managed to stop caring what would happen to me during a panic attack that they finally began to subside, both in magnitude and frequency.

I don't remember how long it took me to do that and it's not easy, but once you reach this stage you're pretty much in control/able to manage the attacks and lead a normal life.

 

[Nothing Is New]

It really helps when a person like Hirsch goes public with this. What is/was going on with him is true across the mental health spectrum. Its hard to understand because we all have mental aberrations from time to time - its just when those aberrations come to dominate and are acted upon that it crosses the line into a 'disease' needing treatment. And four times out of five medicine, drugs bring about dramatic improvement. If you think you have it, go see a health professional and lay it all out. It will turn your life around.

 

[tony d]

More proof hockey players are like you and me. I've gone through issues with mental health, it's not fun. Good for Corey Hirsch to bring it to light.

 

[RadekBong]

Incredibly moving article. Huge huge huge kudos to Corey for telling his story. Needed this.

 

[HugginThePost]

I always find it interesting when I read about someone that suffers the same as I do. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with OCD. It obviously varies in severity, unfortunately I am on the bad end of the spectrum. Three standard deviations off the norm. Whenever the hell "norm" is.

It was chilling to read that he and I suffer from practically the same thought process. The fact that he wore a mask to hide, same for me. The high you get from a "good save" and the devastation felt from hearing "sieve". I attempted the very same thing in my car, with the same result. My thought that stopped it was my daughter, she was 5 at the time. I just couldn't imagine her growing up without me. My therapist always told me, "a ****ed up dad is better than a dead dad".

Not an hour goes by when I'm not thinking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's played so many times in my head, I'm creeping up on 50, that it's just background noise at this point. It doesn't control me anymore. It's always there, my "dark passenger", but he lives in the shadows mostly. Comes out to play when I've been drinking or going through a stressful time in my life.

I hope articles like this can save one person. Mental health has always been taboo, why, I have no idea. I swear half the population is on one kind of drug or another to cope.

Be well everyone........

 

[Retire91]

Great article on a number of levels, its so uncommon to get to read about mental illness from the point of view of the person actually suffering from it. Telling their stories helps countless people.

I always find it interesting when I read about someone that suffers the same as I do. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with OCD. It obviously varies in severity, unfortunately I am on the bad end of the spectrum. Three standard deviations off the norm. Whenever the hell "norm" is.

It was chilling to read that he and I suffer from practically the same thought process. The fact that he wore a mask to hide, same for me. The high you get from a "good save" and the devastation felt from hearing "sieve". I attempted the very same thing in my car, with the same result. My thought that stopped it was my daughter, she was 5 at the time. I just couldn't imagine her growing up without me. My therapist always told me, "a ****ed up dad is better than a dead dad".

Not an hour goes by when I'm not thinking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's played so many times in my head, I'm creeping up on 50, that it's just background noise at this point. It doesn't control me anymore. It's always there, my "dark passenger", but he lives in the shadows mostly. Comes out to play when I've been drinking or going through a stressful time in my life.

I hope articles like this can save one person. Mental health has always been taboo, why, I have no idea. I swear half the population is on one kind of drug or another to cope.

Be well everyone........

Thanks for sharing man and we all wish you the best to you and your family. I am glad we moved into a time where openly discussing things is more accepted. I certainly suffer from something its un-diagnosed at the moment and mild but something is there that I deal with every day. Never close to the extremes in the article. I think more people than we care to admit face the suicidal thoughts at some point in mid life. Those that make it through rarely make it through unharmed either mentally or physically, usually with some self made coping mechanism that could be equally unbalanced but working. All the dialog is a good start.

I know someone at work that I am certain with my limited understanding of illnesses had schizophrenia. We had a holiday break and when we came back you would swear he was a different person, not making any sense, walking into people's offices and just standing there in silence, shutting off the lights at his desk and plugging his ears, telling visitors they don't belong here. With all our corporate laws no one was allowed to confront him and he refused HR's attempts to find out what was happening. He ended up getting let go and to this day I feel guilty I didn't do something to help.

 

[HockeyGuruPitka]

I always find it interesting when I read about someone that suffers the same as I do. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with OCD. It obviously varies in severity, unfortunately I am on the bad end of the spectrum. Three standard deviations off the norm. Whenever the hell "norm" is.

It was chilling to read that he and I suffer from practically the same thought process. The fact that he wore a mask to hide, same for me. The high you get from a "good save" and the devastation felt from hearing "sieve". I attempted the very same thing in my car, with the same result. My thought that stopped it was my daughter, she was 5 at the time. I just couldn't imagine her growing up without me. My therapist always told me, "a ****ed up dad is better than a dead dad".

Not an hour goes by when I'm not thinking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's played so many times in my head, I'm creeping up on 50, that it's just background noise at this point. It doesn't control me anymore. It's always there, my "dark passenger", but he lives in the shadows mostly. Comes out to play when I've been drinking or going through a stressful time in my life.

I hope articles like this can save one person. Mental health has always been taboo, why, I have no idea. I swear half the population is on one kind of drug or another to cope.

Be well everyone........

This is very tough to read, wish there was some way to help.

 

[Royale With Cheese]

Wow. That was a good read.

Anytime anyone can use their words to shine a light on mental health, it's a good thing.

 

[RadekBong]

I always find it interesting when I read about someone that suffers the same as I do. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with OCD. It obviously varies in severity, unfortunately I am on the bad end of the spectrum. Three standard deviations off the norm. Whenever the hell "norm" is.

It was chilling to read that he and I suffer from practically the same thought process. The fact that he wore a mask to hide, same for me. The high you get from a "good save" and the devastation felt from hearing "sieve". I attempted the very same thing in my car, with the same result. My thought that stopped it was my daughter, she was 5 at the time. I just couldn't imagine her growing up without me. My therapist always told me, "a ****ed up dad is better than a dead dad".

Not an hour goes by when I'm not thinking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's played so many times in my head, I'm creeping up on 50, that it's just background noise at this point. It doesn't control me anymore. It's always there, my "dark passenger", but he lives in the shadows mostly. Comes out to play when I've been drinking or going through a stressful time in my life.

I hope articles like this can save one person. Mental health has always been taboo, why, I have no idea. I swear half the population is on one kind of drug or another to cope.

Be well everyone........

Incredibly brave of you to share this. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong dad.

 

[HugginThePost]

This is very tough to read, wish there was some way to help.

Appreciate the thoughts, but just like Corey, once you shine a light on it.....it fades away.

Not completely of course, but enough to get on with your life.

My only regret is taking so damned long to get help. Cost me my marriage, family and career.

Since then I now have a great career and a healthy relationship with my daughter.

I also managed to find a great woman that loves me despite all my craziness!

 

[Royale With Cheese]

I always find it interesting when I read about someone that suffers the same as I do. I was diagnosed about 4 years ago with OCD. It obviously varies in severity, unfortunately I am on the bad end of the spectrum. Three standard deviations off the norm. Whenever the hell "norm" is.

It was chilling to read that he and I suffer from practically the same thought process. The fact that he wore a mask to hide, same for me. The high you get from a "good save" and the devastation felt from hearing "sieve". I attempted the very same thing in my car, with the same result. My thought that stopped it was my daughter, she was 5 at the time. I just couldn't imagine her growing up without me. My therapist always told me, "a ****ed up dad is better than a dead dad".

Not an hour goes by when I'm not thinking about how I'm going to kill myself. It's played so many times in my head, I'm creeping up on 50, that it's just background noise at this point. It doesn't control me anymore. It's always there, my "dark passenger", but he lives in the shadows mostly. Comes out to play when I've been drinking or going through a stressful time in my life.

I hope articles like this can save one person. Mental health has always been taboo, why, I have no idea. I swear half the population is on one kind of drug or another to cope.

Be well everyone........

Thanks for sharing.

My wife's best friend took her own life at 45 after years of battling the demons that no one could see but her. She left behind a husband and 4 kids.

I hope that it will always only be the "dark passenger" for you and not the driver.

Take care.

 

[HugginThePost]

Thanks for sharing.

My wife's best friend took her own life at 45 after years of battling the demons that no one could see but her. She left behind a husband and 4 kids.

I hope that it will always only be the "dark passenger" for you and not the driver.

Take care.

I really don't mean to take over the conversation, but the more you know the more you might be able to help someone in harms way.

I feel the biggest problem with mental illness is the fact that those suffering from it will go to any length to hide it from others.

If you knew me personally, you'd never know that anything was wrong. I lived by the motto, "fake it 'till you feel it". My ex-wife saw it but I was living in such denial that I always claimed that she was the crazy one.

It was finally my best friend that sat down with me one day and just asked the question....."Are you okay, something is off with you"? After that, it all just spilled out.

So look for the signs. Ask the questions. Keep asking the questions. It took me almost 30 years to "come out".

 

[ihaveyuidonttouchme]

the part he told his mom about he could jump off this building right now really hit me

 

[CanadianPensFan1]

There is some bravery here so let's add to it (not that I think I'm overly brave .. so contraire).

I have battled with depression/anxiety/borderline personality disorder...for about as long as I can remember.

My childhood was pretty crappy. Capital punishment was used for, well, pretty much anything. I can't even use booze as an excuse cause my father wasn't a drinker. My mom sat idly by whilst I got my ass beat on a regular basis. My parents have never told me they were proud of me. I can remember one time that told me they loved me (more on that later).

So to combat this, I rebelled. I got into a lot of trouble. Hung out with the wrong crowd. Did many many dangerous things that could have killed me. I didn't care. It was a way to escape the pain. 15 years old, stealing a car, driving at 240km/h on the highway? Get the high from driving (which makes you forget about the pain) or I die (no more pain). I realize now how stupid it was. Not only for me but everyone else. But at the time, I didn't care.

I did a lot of drugs. A lot. I drank a lot. A lot. I should probably have died .. And that was the goal. I'm just lucky I guess.

Fast forward through 13 years of self harm and suffering ... I meet a pretty cool woman and we have a fling. My son is born out of that. It didn't work out with the mother and that's ok. I have a kid and he's great and awesome. A few years later, I meet the love of my life. We date for 3 years. The pain was in the back; still there but ... didn't seem as important. Didn't need therapy. It's for losers. I got love baby. I ask her to marry me. She says yes. I'm on cloud 9. We have a great wedding. A fantastic honeymoon. Then BAM ... 3 months in, she says that being married isn't what she wants anymore. My whole world comes crumbling down. I'm in my early 30's .. alone, miserable, and wanting to steal a car. I say "hey, it's not fair to everyone else that you are worth nothing."

So I try to kill myself. I drink and drug up as much as I can. As fate would have it (and as I found out later), a friend of mine stopped by unannounced to say hi. He comes in as my door is always open for friends. Sees me. 911. I wake up in the hospital 2 days later. My parents and sister are there. I'm confused. I'm dreaming right? Nope. My body hurts like never before. Visiting hours are over. They are leaving. My dad kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me. My mom can barely speak.

That was the moment. That was the moment everything changed. I got the help I needed. From everyone. Family And friends who knew NOTHING of my struggles. Several professionals who guided me in ways I didn't think we're possible.

I'm now 42. Have two beautiful baby boys. A great job .... ok, a decent job. Romantic relationships are still a struggle for me but I'm working on it.

As I sit here writing this, I'm damn near a breakdown. In a good way. To think of all the people I could have hurt. To think of what I would have missed. To see where I am now. I am certainly no inspiration but I feel as though I cam be proud of myself, irrespective of anyone else's feelings about me.

We are all sports fans and we ***** at each other. We hate and troll because we have passion. But we are also people.

I encourage anyone who is suffering from ANYTHING .. get help. Reach out to anyone (including me). Don't let yourself be ruled by this ****. There are resources out there. If you can't find them, ask someone to help. You owe it to yourself to be the best version of you that you can possibly be.

Later boys and girls.

 

[TMLife*]

Amazing read, best wishes.

 

[HugginThePost]

There is some bravery here so let's add to it (not that I think I'm overly brave .. so contraire).

I have battled with depression/anxiety/borderline personality disorder...for about as long as I can remember.

My childhood was pretty crappy. Capital punishment was used for, well, pretty much anything. I can't even use booze as an excuse cause my father wasn't a drinker. My mom sat idly by whilst I got my ass beat on a regular basis. My parents have never told me they were proud of me. I can remember one time that told me they loved me (more on that later).

So to combat this, I rebelled. I got into a lot of trouble. Hung out with the wrong crowd. Did many many dangerous things that could have killed me. I didn't care. It was a way to escape the pain. 15 years old, stealing a car, driving at 240km/h on the highway? Get the high from driving (which makes you forget about the pain) or I die (no more pain). I realize now how stupid it was. Not only for me but everyone else. But at the time, I didn't care.

I did a lot of drugs. A lot. I drank a lot. A lot. I should probably have died .. And that was the goal. I'm just lucky I guess.

Fast forward through 13 years of self harm and suffering ... I meet a pretty cool woman and we have a fling. My son is born out of that. It didn't work out with the mother and that's ok. I have a kid and he's great and awesome. A few years later, I meet the love of my life. We date for 3 years. The pain was in the back; still there but ... didn't seem as important. Didn't need therapy. It's for losers. I got love baby. I ask her to marry me. She says yes. I'm on cloud 9. We have a great wedding. A fantastic honeymoon. Then BAM ... 3 months in, she says that being married isn't what she wants anymore. My whole world comes crumbling down. I'm in my early 30's .. alone, miserable, and wanting to steal a car. I say "hey, it's not fair to everyone else that you are worth nothing."

So I try to kill myself. I drink and drug up as much as I can. As fate would have it (and as I found out later), a friend of mine stopped by unannounced to say hi. He comes in as my door is always open for friends. Sees me. 911. I wake up in the hospital 2 days later. My parents and sister are there. I'm confused. I'm dreaming right? Nope. My body hurts like never before. Visiting hours are over. They are leaving. My dad kisses my forehead and tells me he loves me. My mom can barely speak.

That was the moment. That was the moment everything changed. I got the help I needed. From everyone. Family And friends who knew NOTHING of my struggles. Several professionals who guided me in ways I didn't think we're possible.

I'm now 42. Have two beautiful baby boys. A great job .... ok, a decent job. Romantic relationships are still a struggle for me but I'm working on it.

As I sit here writing this, I'm damn near a breakdown. In a good way. To think of all the people I could have hurt. To think of what I would have missed. To see where I am now. I am certainly no inspiration but I feel as though I cam be proud of myself, irrespective of anyone else's feelings about me.

We are all sports fans and we ***** at each other. We hate and troll because we have passion. But we are also people.

I encourage anyone who is suffering from ANYTHING .. get help. Reach out to anyone (including me). Don't let yourself be ruled by this ****. There are resources out there. If you can't find them, ask someone to help. You owe it to yourself to be the best version of you that you can possibly be.

Later boys and girls.

Keep on keepin' on brother!

Great read.....

 

[Magic Man]

I really don't mean to take over the conversation, but the more you know the more you might be able to help someone in harms way.

I feel the biggest problem with mental illness is the fact that those suffering from it will go to any length to hide it from others.

If you knew me personally, you'd never know that anything was wrong. I lived by the motto, "fake it 'till you feel it". My ex-wife saw it but I was living in such denial that I always claimed that she was the crazy one.

It was finally my best friend that sat down with me one day and just asked the question....."Are you okay, something is off with you"? After that, it all just spilled out.

So look for the signs. Ask the questions. Keep asking the questions. It took me almost 30 years to "come out".

From my experience you can't tell people about your situation. That information is only safe to be heard by your family or your doctor. Friends and relationships come and go, that is the type of information that can easily be used against you. Bad stuff happens when you tell people. You really shouldn't even tell certain family members. Come out to your immediate family and your doctor and work on a plan with them and never tell another soul imo. You will thank yourself later.

 

[Andrei79]

I'm a doctor. I chose to be a psychiatrist and since then mental health, and fighting for patients rights has pretty much become my life. Even to this day, I'm still deeply moved by what my patients tell me.

I admire the courage it took Hirsch to come out and tell his story. We need people like him, and the posters in this thread who share what they went through.

There are so many ressources for people who need help, it's just a shame people don't know about them.

 

[A4T1L6]

lol isnt this the dude that gets roasted on ggsu

 

[Flobber]

Wanted to say thanks to all of you who shared your stories in this thread. Takes some serious guts, and I wish you all many happy years. Hirsch did a good thing writing that.

Been reading this site for 15 plus years, and have never bothered to join and post; don't have much interest in online interaction anymore, though I admit the History forum is tempting. But this thread inspired me to spew my own horror story.

I'm in my late 30s, and have battled various mental demons for most of my life. I'm physically strong as an ox, and am personable and charming enough that there's almost no chance that anyone I know could possibly pick me out from this post. I'm not a huge success in life, but have some education and am good at my job and generally presentable. Just a guy really. But:

As a child i suffered from the same OCD traits that many of you have mentioned. Had to organize my food and cutlery on my dinner plate in a certain way until it felt right, for example. Battered most of that down through adolescence but still had to do everything in multiples of five, a behaviour that's finally disappeared except when under severe stress. The only holdover is having the TV volume set to a number of a former Oilers great (I'm an Oilers fan) - 10,11,17, 31, etc. Haven't turned it up to 99 ever,haha. A harmless quirk. But other, less harmless traits have bubbled up. Started drinking, smoking, and smoking weed at 13-14 and things went down from there.

I'm a severe though moderately controlled alcoholic, and did any other drug you can imagine until my late twenties. Still smoke tons of weed, which is generally helpful, but causes psychotic breaks about once every year or two. Have been arrested multiple times, mostly for violence. Have attacked my wife and both of my parents, as well as several friends. I love all those people very much. Have been sent to counselling by the courts and my employers, more than once each. Have days where I absolutely cannot leave the house - someone a couple pages ago said something about not being able to take the dog out for five minutes. That was me yesterday, though today was fine.

I realize this sounds like I'm a severe menace to myself and others, but I'm generally very gentle and kind. Things really go off the rails every now and then though. The various counsellors have suggested some sort of bipolar disorder exacerbated by substance abuse and god knows what else - makes sense? It's terrible. Don't want to hurt anyone ever including myself. Just want happiness and love. I hate violence, yet over the years I've created a lot.

More potentially useful facts for armchair diagnoses: I had a freakishly high IQ as a kid, and suffered several head injuries over the years. Was also prone to outbursts of uncontrollable rage as a tiny child, before I can even remember. Was otherwise gentle and shy.

Don't want anyone to think that this is a cry for help, or that I'm a menace, though I realize it reads that way. I'm currently ok and I fight so hard to stay that way. Just saw other people opening up and felt inspired to do the same. I hope some kid reads this, sees him/herself, and feels less alone. It's so easy to fix a broken shoulder (or at least to identify the problem) but so hard to fix a broken brain, and so often people suffer in silence. Kid reading this: I'm probably crazier than you, but I keep fighting it and have had a really good life so far. Have fun! Don't be scared to get some help. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a nice starting point.

 

[Flobber]

I think the issue is less making jokes about the condition and more making bullying jokes at the expense of others. The difference is subtle but important.

I think that's a very sharp point. I find that making black jokes about my troubles is very helpful; in general I find black humor is a great way of dealing with difficulties. But how many of those jokes have I made in front of people who share my problems, or much worse, and they were left feeling terrible because they had no idea I felt the same as they did? Probably quite a few, and that sucks. It's not that you shouldn't make the jokes - they've got me through 25 years - but it's probably best to be very thoughtful when making them. Like you said in the fine print about the gender identity issues - I used to make all kinds of stupid jokes about that stuff, and I feel really terrible about it now. Like wow, I was a terrible *******. Not everyone's skin is as thick as mine, and god only knows what some poor folks have had to deal with over the years. I'm sorry.

That said, I probably am bipolar by any metric, and I don't give a **** when people make bipolar jokes or equate a day's moodiness with severe mental illness. They're just making jokes or dumb chatty remarks, and sometimes they're honestly pretty funny (especially when they're black and appalling, but maybe that's just me).

Still though, best not to be a dink.

 

[hutter]

Knew it was OCD from a couple paragraphs in as soon as he described an 'obsession.'

What worked for me was learning how to laugh at how stupid some of my obsessions were. Only one that still gets me is that I can't help but imagine my fingernails peeling back every now and then... gives me the shivers.

 

[HockeyGuruPitka]

Appreciate the thoughts, but just like Corey, once you shine a light on it.....it fades away.

Not completely of course, but enough to get on with your life.

My only regret is taking so damned long to get help. Cost me my marriage, family and career.

Since then I now have a great career and a healthy relationship with my daughter.

I also managed to find a great woman that loves me despite all my craziness!

Unfortunately (for you) and fortunately (for others) mental health never came to the forefront and was never taken seriously until relatively recently. A lot however still needs to be done in order to educate.

its nice to hear that you've been able to manage your illness, although not cured/curable.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[HugginThePost]

Wanted to say thanks to all of you who shared your stories in this thread. Takes some serious guts, and I wish you all many happy years. Hirsch did a good thing writing that.

Been reading this site for 15 plus years, and have never bothered to join and post; don't have much interest in online interaction anymore, though I admit the History forum is tempting. But this thread inspired me to spew my own horror story.

I'm in my late 30s, and have battled various mental demons for most of my life. I'm physically strong as an ox, and am personable and charming enough that there's almost no chance that anyone I know could possibly pick me out from this post. I'm not a huge success in life, but have some education and am good at my job and generally presentable. Just a guy really. But:

As a child i suffered from the same OCD traits that many of you have mentioned. Had to organize my food and cutlery on my dinner plate in a certain way until it felt right, for example. Battered most of that down through adolescence but still had to do everything in multiples of five, a behaviour that's finally disappeared except when under severe stress. The only holdover is having the TV volume set to a number of a former Oilers great (I'm an Oilers fan) - 10,11,17, 31, etc. Haven't turned it up to 99 ever,haha. A harmless quirk. But other, less harmless traits have bubbled up. Started drinking, smoking, and smoking weed at 13-14 and things went down from there.

I'm a severe though moderately controlled alcoholic, and did any other drug you can imagine until my late twenties. Still smoke tons of weed, which is generally helpful, but causes psychotic breaks about once every year or two. Have been arrested multiple times, mostly for violence. Have attacked my wife and both of my parents, as well as several friends. I love all those people very much. Have been sent to counselling by the courts and my employers, more than once each. Have days where I absolutely cannot leave the house - someone a couple pages ago said something about not being able to take the dog out for five minutes. That was me yesterday, though today was fine.

I realize this sounds like I'm a severe menace to myself and others, but I'm generally very gentle and kind. Things really go off the rails every now and then though. The various counsellors have suggested some sort of bipolar disorder exacerbated by substance abuse and god knows what else - makes sense? It's terrible. Don't want to hurt anyone ever including myself. Just want happiness and love. I hate violence, yet over the years I've created a lot.

More potentially useful facts for armchair diagnoses: I had a freakishly high IQ as a kid, and suffered several head injuries over the years. Was also prone to outbursts of uncontrollable rage as a tiny child, before I can even remember. Was otherwise gentle and shy.

Don't want anyone to think that this is a cry for help, or that I'm a menace, though I realize it reads that way. I'm currently ok and I fight so hard to stay that way. Just saw other people opening up and felt inspired to do the same. I hope some kid reads this, sees him/herself, and feels less alone. It's so easy to fix a broken shoulder (or at least to identify the problem) but so hard to fix a broken brain, and so often people suffer in silence. Kid reading this: I'm probably crazier than you, but I keep fighting it and have had a really good life so far. Have fun! Don't be scared to get some help. Cognitive behavioural therapy is a nice starting point.

Thanks for the read Flobber.....hang in there and keep fighting the good fight.

Interesting tidbit that I bolded. I too have a crazy high IQ (and a crazy low EQ) and suffered many head traumas. The first traumatic brain injury was at three....I have no doubt that this is what has caused my issues. Followed up with another TBI at 6, countless concussions from playing hockey and fighting. Like you I had a lot of rage inside and the only way I could get it out was on the ice or in the ring. So I did both. The irony being the thing that was keeping me out of jail was also doing more damage. I never went down the "addiction" road. I knew that would put me in an early grave. Never done drugs and never picked up a video game. I do drink, and I am probably a functioning alcoholic, but since I'm a "happy" drunk no one seems to mind.

It is funny reading about people's funny quirks.....your volume control was awesome. I'm an angles guy, everything has to be at right angles. I also have a fixation with 11:07. My brain has been programmed to look at my watch twice a day at 11:07. Every day. The brain is such an amazing thing....too bad we know so little about it.

One last thing.....it was mentioned above that you can't ever share your condition with those that aren't in your very "inner" circle. As sad as this is to read, he/she is absolutely right. MY therapist told me when I was diagnosed, "Do not tell anyone this, ever. Not even your wife". I was separated at the time. I thought to myself, this guy is out of his mind. I shared with my wife of 25 years what I had found out. At first she was very supportive and understanding. We both felt that we now knew where everything went wrong. We could put a "name" to it.

Fast forward 6 months during divorce proceedings and she is using my condition against me to keep me from my daughter. Also, during a rough patch of the divorce at a cocktail party with all our friends she decided it would be a good idea to tell everyone about it to let them know it was my fault were getting divorced.

Water under the bridge now......