7. Nashville - Their impressive defense proves problematic for the rest of the division and causes the Big Three to work together to take them down like Tucker. And trolleys. And let's say... Crispy M&Ms.
6. Chicago - Chicago turns to high five St. Louis when the job is done but instead receives a crippling suckerpunch from its former ally. Kane effortlessly steps around the fray while weapons fall from the heavens and into his hands, but becomes distracted by his reflection in passing pieces of metal. Future visitors claim to be able to hear the sound of mad payment.
5. Dallas - Their shiny new offense tires before too long and pleas for a timeout are ignored. They regroup for a break but their undisciplined sentries are not up to the task, and many pass in their sleep.
4. Colorado - Repeated charges down the weakened center leave them quickly divided and both groups fail to coordinate an attack. By the time the command "Release The Patrick!!" is given and followed, there is no one left to benefit from Coach Roy's whirlwind of slaughter.
3./2. Minnesota/St. Louis - "They have a Coach Roy" says Boroumeestir. The Coach Roy crashes into the melee and steps on Paajarvi, grabs Finnish Baby Jesus by the skates and dashes him against the wall. He intercepts an incoming stick, skewers Leopold, and deep fries and drizzles chocolate over him before enjoying. Spurgeon narrowly dodges another swing as he runs through the Coach Roy's legs and hides behind a pillar while Falk and Ott are smashed together to form a longer name. Finally, Bees swarm around the Coach Roy's face and allow Oshie the upper hand in a shootout. As the Coach Roy topples, the remaining players begin hurling themselves over and around him at the others. As Stastny, Pietrangelo and Backes surround Suter, the last standing Wild player, they hear laughter from behind them. They were mistaken-- Vanek was not done, he had merely disappeared at the end. The final five all deliver their final blows to each other right as
1. Winnipeg walks into the room, gapes in horror, starts to back out and slips in blood, flops onto all fours and scrambles frantically like a deer on ice during a bloodstorm inside a bloodglobe floating in a bathtub of blood going over a bloodfall. Uh, in the... blood? Blood.
The doors close just in front of their retreat.
In memory of the NHL Central Division.