HOW TO HOCKEY FOR DUMMIES
After yet another defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, I have decided to help the Oilers out with some "How To" books specifically designed and curated to help cure all the ail and woes of a team that can't find consistency, a save, or its own end.
These books have come from the secret archives of some of the best hockey minds on the planet - HF Oil Fans - and heavily illustrated by @Wen22, as we are not sure how many of the Oilers can actually read.
We will start with the top down, the first book is all about managing a team.
The first step is go to the liquor store and buy your favourite booze. In this case, it is a fun spiced rum called NOT. NOT booze will ease your pain when you realize you have no cap space, the mistakes of your predecessors will be around for years to come, and when you realize you signed Kassian to a 12M 4 year contract.
The second step is to fill your greatest need. That would be (checks notes) goaltending! And when the goalie you want is owned by your 2nd biggest rival and may be signed by your biggest rival you might want to make that an offer he cant refuse. Or not.
Ah well, that goalie went to Calgary so f*** him anyways.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The next stop will be coaching. Tippett gets a 3 volume set as there is a lot to cover here.
Probably the best part of the book speaks about having the best line in hockey and then
NOT BREAKING THEM UP.
It is a pretty short chapter. In fact it goes like this:
CHAPTER 1 - If you have the best line in hockey, don't break them up.
End chapter.
Pretty sure that Tippett might want to check that chapter out especially when the defence and our 4th line is outscoring Draisaitl's line, 2 games in a row.
There are some other do's and dont's, little things that make a big difference, like when a player scores 2 goals in 1 game, keep them IN the lineup. When a player is -10 and costs you a goal per game and doesn't score any himself, that player should be taken OUT of the lineup.
These little INS and OUTS will help Dave immensely.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now we need a general manual for all Oiler players as we have developed a storied tradition over the years that we need to maintain.
The Book of Oiler Laws is a separate tome, which will be covered in a future GDT so we wont get too much into it today as this series is about the How To's.
Whereas in a past How To Oiler, we covered getting scored on, on the first shot of the game. This book is the revised version of How to Oiler and that has been removed, although it is still commonplace. How to Oiler v.2.0 speaks more about getting scored against multiple times within a 2 minute time span. This is important as the chapter where we discuss getting scored on within 2 minutes of scoring a goal ourselves.
Without a doubt the best chapter is about coming from behind in the 3rd period and forgetting that the score is tied, thus making the key mistake to let the opposition score mid period and win the game.
How to blow leads is another brilliant essay and we are not sure if it is covered in enough detail.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One area where we could use improvement is in the back check. Too often we see players in full glide mode while the opposition rakes towards our net outnumbering our defence. Giving defenders position between you and the puck is another How To the Oilers specialize in.
This book has chapters on where the defensive zone is, what the blue line is and why we dont want to turn pucks over in those areas. Also skating hard towards the defensive zone, once they know where it is, is also aided by then taking an opponent, negating him out of the play rather than watching him drive our net and score on the 3rd rebound.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This How To book needs to be read by every Oiler other than maybe Archibald who does this regularly. Kassian used to do this but then got weighed down by a fat long term contract and now cant seem to skate hard enough or play with the intensity required to actually do this effectively.
Khaira and Ennis were the first to read this and look how it has improved their game. It also comes in useful when a rat like Pionk is hooking, holding, interfering and tries to take McDavids knees out or smokes the second best player in the world. Having a response, like dropping Ehlers in kind, or rubbing out Pionk with a hit dirty or clean to send a message, is covered midway through the book. Khaira has hopefully read that part yesterday after practice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The How to Defence book is read and then promptly forgotten the next game it seems, so we need our defence corps to really buckle down and commit this book to memory.
Leaving players unmarked in front of the net, standing on the wrong side of your opponent making yourself about as effective as the water bottle on top of the net, 2 defenders taking 1 opponent, two defenders pinching at the same time, and 2 defenders playing on the same side of the ice are chapters that are covered in detail.
Larsson also needs to brush up on the Dont Score on Your Own Net chapter. It can be useful at times when you dont want to score into your own net.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Auston Nostrils in Leaf land has memorized this book but it really is a waste of his time, and while the Leaf media might want it to happen we all know it never will, so he can f*** off and go home.
Ryan Nugget Hopkins seemed to have read this before last game however, and we are happy to have helped him out. Now if the rest of the top 2 lines can read this, we should be in good shape.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Before the other players read the Book on How To Score, they first must read the prerequisite, How To Hit The Net. Chaisson read this prerequisite, and like R Nugget H, scored 2 goals last game. The proof is in the scoring that this series works!
Players like Neal, Kassian, Shore, Kahun and Turrist can make instant improvements in their scoring game by reading and re-reading chapters on net size, scoring from the blue paint, how to net drive, and tipping pucks shot by our machine gun firing defence.
And if they wont screen the goalie, they must stand in front of Bouchards shot in practice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sigh. This book is as thick as the New York City telephone book. Which I think is what our goalies use for pads.
We cover stopping the first shot of the game (First Shot Talbot took his copy to Minnesota and look how its helped him! These books work!), not passing pucks to your opponents when you are behind your net, making yourself bigger in save not smaller, rebound control, and sewing up those holes.
There is also the audiobook version of this as there is a lot to cover, and we recommend the goalies listen to it in their sleep as opposed to sleeping in goal.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If the Oiler players, coaches and management fully commit to reading this in-depth and insightful series of How To books, then they can graduate to our special offer, the How To Make The Playoffs book. Technically they didnt make the playoffs last year, but it felt good to say it was at least a series. If they read this book, they can climb that hill and seek playoff glory!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO HOCKEY FOR DUMMIES SERIES
by 5 Mins 4 Ftg
with contributions by members of HFOil
Illustrated bye @Wen22 (even though she doesn't know she illustrated it, we will tell her later about it)
ONLY $97,000.97
in 4 easy payments. No COD's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight’s Lines
RNH - McDavid - PJ
Ennis - Draisaitl - Honey Badger
Kahun - Khaira - Archi
Turris - Haas - Chaisson
Nurse - Barrie
Russell - Larsson
4K - Bouchard
Smith and Pray
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Projected Lines
Copp - Schieffele - Wheeler
Connor - Stastny - Ehlers
Perreault - Lowry - Appleton
Vesalainen - Harkins - Lewis
Morrissey - Poolman
Forbert - Pionk the Dink
Beaulieu - Demelo
Hellebuyck
After yet another defeat snatched from the jaws of victory, I have decided to help the Oilers out with some "How To" books specifically designed and curated to help cure all the ail and woes of a team that can't find consistency, a save, or its own end.
These books have come from the secret archives of some of the best hockey minds on the planet - HF Oil Fans - and heavily illustrated by @Wen22, as we are not sure how many of the Oilers can actually read.
We will start with the top down, the first book is all about managing a team.
The first step is go to the liquor store and buy your favourite booze. In this case, it is a fun spiced rum called NOT. NOT booze will ease your pain when you realize you have no cap space, the mistakes of your predecessors will be around for years to come, and when you realize you signed Kassian to a 12M 4 year contract.
The second step is to fill your greatest need. That would be (checks notes) goaltending! And when the goalie you want is owned by your 2nd biggest rival and may be signed by your biggest rival you might want to make that an offer he cant refuse. Or not.
Ah well, that goalie went to Calgary so f*** him anyways.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The next stop will be coaching. Tippett gets a 3 volume set as there is a lot to cover here.
Probably the best part of the book speaks about having the best line in hockey and then
NOT BREAKING THEM UP.
It is a pretty short chapter. In fact it goes like this:
CHAPTER 1 - If you have the best line in hockey, don't break them up.
End chapter.
Pretty sure that Tippett might want to check that chapter out especially when the defence and our 4th line is outscoring Draisaitl's line, 2 games in a row.
There are some other do's and dont's, little things that make a big difference, like when a player scores 2 goals in 1 game, keep them IN the lineup. When a player is -10 and costs you a goal per game and doesn't score any himself, that player should be taken OUT of the lineup.
These little INS and OUTS will help Dave immensely.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now we need a general manual for all Oiler players as we have developed a storied tradition over the years that we need to maintain.
The Book of Oiler Laws is a separate tome, which will be covered in a future GDT so we wont get too much into it today as this series is about the How To's.
Whereas in a past How To Oiler, we covered getting scored on, on the first shot of the game. This book is the revised version of How to Oiler and that has been removed, although it is still commonplace. How to Oiler v.2.0 speaks more about getting scored against multiple times within a 2 minute time span. This is important as the chapter where we discuss getting scored on within 2 minutes of scoring a goal ourselves.
Without a doubt the best chapter is about coming from behind in the 3rd period and forgetting that the score is tied, thus making the key mistake to let the opposition score mid period and win the game.
How to blow leads is another brilliant essay and we are not sure if it is covered in enough detail.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One area where we could use improvement is in the back check. Too often we see players in full glide mode while the opposition rakes towards our net outnumbering our defence. Giving defenders position between you and the puck is another How To the Oilers specialize in.
This book has chapters on where the defensive zone is, what the blue line is and why we dont want to turn pucks over in those areas. Also skating hard towards the defensive zone, once they know where it is, is also aided by then taking an opponent, negating him out of the play rather than watching him drive our net and score on the 3rd rebound.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This How To book needs to be read by every Oiler other than maybe Archibald who does this regularly. Kassian used to do this but then got weighed down by a fat long term contract and now cant seem to skate hard enough or play with the intensity required to actually do this effectively.
Khaira and Ennis were the first to read this and look how it has improved their game. It also comes in useful when a rat like Pionk is hooking, holding, interfering and tries to take McDavids knees out or smokes the second best player in the world. Having a response, like dropping Ehlers in kind, or rubbing out Pionk with a hit dirty or clean to send a message, is covered midway through the book. Khaira has hopefully read that part yesterday after practice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The How to Defence book is read and then promptly forgotten the next game it seems, so we need our defence corps to really buckle down and commit this book to memory.
Leaving players unmarked in front of the net, standing on the wrong side of your opponent making yourself about as effective as the water bottle on top of the net, 2 defenders taking 1 opponent, two defenders pinching at the same time, and 2 defenders playing on the same side of the ice are chapters that are covered in detail.
Larsson also needs to brush up on the Dont Score on Your Own Net chapter. It can be useful at times when you dont want to score into your own net.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Auston Nostrils in Leaf land has memorized this book but it really is a waste of his time, and while the Leaf media might want it to happen we all know it never will, so he can f*** off and go home.
Ryan Nugget Hopkins seemed to have read this before last game however, and we are happy to have helped him out. Now if the rest of the top 2 lines can read this, we should be in good shape.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Before the other players read the Book on How To Score, they first must read the prerequisite, How To Hit The Net. Chaisson read this prerequisite, and like R Nugget H, scored 2 goals last game. The proof is in the scoring that this series works!
Players like Neal, Kassian, Shore, Kahun and Turrist can make instant improvements in their scoring game by reading and re-reading chapters on net size, scoring from the blue paint, how to net drive, and tipping pucks shot by our machine gun firing defence.
And if they wont screen the goalie, they must stand in front of Bouchards shot in practice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sigh. This book is as thick as the New York City telephone book. Which I think is what our goalies use for pads.
We cover stopping the first shot of the game (First Shot Talbot took his copy to Minnesota and look how its helped him! These books work!), not passing pucks to your opponents when you are behind your net, making yourself bigger in save not smaller, rebound control, and sewing up those holes.
There is also the audiobook version of this as there is a lot to cover, and we recommend the goalies listen to it in their sleep as opposed to sleeping in goal.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If the Oiler players, coaches and management fully commit to reading this in-depth and insightful series of How To books, then they can graduate to our special offer, the How To Make The Playoffs book. Technically they didnt make the playoffs last year, but it felt good to say it was at least a series. If they read this book, they can climb that hill and seek playoff glory!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO HOCKEY FOR DUMMIES SERIES
by 5 Mins 4 Ftg
with contributions by members of HFOil
Illustrated bye @Wen22 (even though she doesn't know she illustrated it, we will tell her later about it)
ONLY $97,000.97
in 4 easy payments. No COD's.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight’s Lines
RNH - McDavid - PJ
Ennis - Draisaitl - Honey Badger
Kahun - Khaira - Archi
Turris - Haas - Chaisson
Nurse - Barrie
Russell - Larsson
4K - Bouchard
Smith and Pray
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Projected Lines
Copp - Schieffele - Wheeler
Connor - Stastny - Ehlers
Perreault - Lowry - Appleton
Vesalainen - Harkins - Lewis
Morrissey - Poolman
Forbert - Pionk the Dink
Beaulieu - Demelo
Hellebuyck
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GD Music
Metal for Dummies
GD Music
Metal for Dummies
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fearless Prediction
The Oilers Dummy the Jets.
We Win. They Lose.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Oilers Dummy the Jets.
We Win. They Lose.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited:
