Should I talk to another kid's parents?

[Yukon Joe]

OK, so the answer is probably "no", but let me lay this scenario out.

We know this kid, lets call him Owen (not his real name). My son has played spring hockey with Owen for about 3 years, played on the same winter hockey team 1 year. We know his parents well enough - we're not friends and don't hang out, but we have each other's numbers. Owen's parents have a lot going on so I've given Owen a ton of rides to hockey over the last couple years.

Owen is a very talented and very selfish player.

Anyways, there was an out of town tournament recently. Neither of Owen's parents could come on the trip so an uncle went with him.

In the tournament of course Owen hardly ever passed - always tries to dangle and toe-drag past the entire other team which never works. But that's just par for the course with this kid. He still manages to get his goals though.

But he also took a ton of selfish penalties - retaliation penalties mostly. The cherry on top was at the end of the tournament, our team was down 1 goal, 2 minutes left, the kid takes another selfish penalty. After being called Owen slaps the puck down the ice. Refs promptly give him an unsportmanlike as well, putting our team down 5 on 3, ending any chance of a comeback. My son confirmed the refs had given the coaches numerous warnings about Owen's behaviour during the game. In the handshake line Owen is still giving it to the Refs. Coaches tell the team afterwards (without naming names) that they never want to hear players disrespecting the refs, but Owen just laughs it off. The rest of the team is very upset at Owen.

Should I say something to the parents?

My gut mostly says "no", it isn't my business. The parents didn't see this tournament, but it was hardly out of character. Owen is definitely their "golden child".

But I also know the team he wants to make next winter, and they won't put up with that kind of nonsense. In fact it might be too late as he has a reputation already. And because he is skilled I'd hate to see that go to waste because of lousy discipline.

Thoughts?

Click to read more...

 

[Slats432]

It is none of your business. Coaches will provide feedback to parents as required. If the parents are blind, then it is on them and they likely won't heed anything you have said.

I am coaching club hockey again this year, and the internal discussions with coaches occurs up to and including tryouts in regards to parent/player behaviour.

Kids like that end up missing out because they have an attitude and you talking to the parents isn't going to change it, since it is a pattern.

 

[BadgerBruce]

OK, so the answer is probably "no", but let me lay this scenario out.

We know this kid, lets call him Owen (not his real name). My son has played spring hockey with Owen for about 3 years, played on the same winter hockey team 1 year. We know his parents well enough - we're not friends and don't hang out, but we have each other's numbers. Owen's parents have a lot going on so I've given Owen a ton of rides to hockey over the last couple years.

Owen is a very talented and very selfish player.

Anyways, there was an out of town tournament recently. Neither of Owen's parents could come on the trip so an uncle went with him.

In the tournament of course Owen hardly ever passed - always tries to dangle and toe-drag past the entire other team which never works. But that's just par for the course with this kid. He still manages to get his goals though.

But he also took a ton of selfish penalties - retaliation penalties mostly. The cherry on top was at the end of the tournament, our team was down 1 goal, 2 minutes left, the kid takes another selfish penalty. After being called Owen slaps the puck down the ice. Refs promptly give him an unsportmanlike as well, putting our team down 5 on 3, ending any chance of a comeback. My son confirmed the refs had given the coaches numerous warnings about Owen's behaviour during the game. In the handshake line Owen is still giving it to the Refs. Coaches tell the team afterwards (without naming names) that they never want to hear players disrespecting the refs, but Owen just laughs it off. The rest of the team is very upset at Owen.

Should I say something to the parents?

My gut mostly says "no", it isn't my business. The parents didn't see this tournament, but it was hardly out of character. Owen is definitely their "golden child".

But I also know the team he wants to make next winter, and they won't put up with that kind of nonsense. In fact it might be too late as he has a reputation already. And because he is skilled I'd hate to see that go to waste because of lousy discipline.

Thoughts?

If you were to speak to the boy’s parents, what exactly would you say? “Owen doesn’t pass the puck, takes undisciplined penalties, and argues with game officials.” If I were one of Owen’s parents, I’d reply with “Owen is having so much fun playing hockey this spring!”

See, saying anything to another kid’s parents might make you feel better, but it won’t change the kid’s actions. Pressure from parents? It might work if you want a kid to clean his room or wash the dinner dishes, but it rarely works in sports.

 

[Sharkbomb]

Are you Owen's coach? If not, then its not your job to address this.

 

[The Crypto Guy]

Absolutely not.

And how old is owen?

 

[Yukon Joe]

Absolutely not.

And how old is owen?

Let's say he's a tween.

And although I do some coaching, I am not and never have been this kid's coach.

If I was going to say something it would be something like "hey, I'm not saying you need to do anything, but I wanted to tell you what I saw last weekend..."

But as I said my gut mostly says "no, stay out of it", and none of you are exactly trying to change my mind.

 

[ichbinkanadier]

Why not just be blunt and say it's a shame he has so much talent and it's going to go to waste.

If the parents prompt you, then mention what you said: that coaches and players don't like players with his all about me attitude and as such he'll get nowhere.

If it pisses them off oh well.

 

[beedee]

I think you should put a mic on Owen for the next game.

 

[lawrence]

say nothing to the parents. If you have the chance to talk to the coach maybe talk to him since you pay a lot for your kid to au hockey. But don’t bring up Owen by name you can maybe say I notice some players not working as a team.

 

[Mr Jiggyfly]

These kind of kids exist everywhere, and we all have our stories.

I’ve taken the position that I don’t say anything about someone’s kid because so many hockey parents are just… mental.

Even with parents we know really well, I keep my mouth shut. This one particular kid on my daughter’s team is really good, but he needs some technical stuff cleaned up with his skating and he would become a beast.

I know exactly what he needs to work on since I’ve been watching him for two years, we are really cool with his parents, yet I won’t ever say a word about it.

Because you just never know how hockey parents, even ones you know well, will take helpful criticism about their kids.

 

[Ducks4Cup]

I’m curious why the coaches haven’t handled this situation. But I’ve seen some dense coaches.

 

[Neutrinos]

It takes a village...

If your intentions are noble, you should absolutely say something, but why not speak to Owen directly?

 

[oldunclehue]

As a minor hockey/spring hockey parent and coach, if it were me and I was in your shoes as a parent, I'd speak to the coach first. If you have a few parents all noticing this, step up and talk to the coach. In spring play it's hard for coaches (especially if not a parent coach) to sit kids/talk to the parents as its a pay for play type program. If the coach/team manager knows some parents are not happy with it then it should be dealt with.

As a coach I had a similar situation with a player, lots of talent but over plays the puck rather than passing, toe drags etc etc, then if things didn't go the players way he would slam his stick, cry, negative comments all the time on the bench. In our final game he was playing awful so I moved him to a different line and his attiude went sideways. I ended up sitting him for the last period due to this.

Parents of the golden child scolded me, dirty looks, called me down infront of parents and haven't talked to me since. It's a tough world the minor hockey world. Parents need to realize .0001% of minor hockey players will make a career out of the sport. But that doesn't stop them.

If I were you, and you know the parents disposition and are comfortable....I would pull them aside and simply say "hey, if it were my kid I'd want to know, but some parents are getting a bit fed up, myself included with some of the things your son is doing when he's on the ice, I want everyone to enjoy this spring hockey situation. Just thought I'd let you know"

It takes a village...

If your intentions are noble, you should absolutely say something, but why not speak to Owen directly?

Never ever speak to a child without parents consent. Leads to bad bad things.

 

[Primary Assist]

Yes, you absolutely should. Not about their son, that's the coach's job. But I encourage you to at least make small talk with the parents of your child's teammate

 

[Yukon Joe]

As a minor hockey/spring hockey parent and coach, if it were me and I was in your shoes as a parent, I'd speak to the coach first. If you have a few parents all noticing this, step up and talk to the coach. In spring play it's hard for coaches (especially if not a parent coach) to sit kids/talk to the parents as its a pay for play type program. If the coach/team manager knows some parents are not happy with it then it should be dealt with.

A few people have said in this thread "well where are the coaches"? Mrs Joe was saying the coaches really should bench Owen, even if just for one shift.

But I think you hit on the point - it's a spring team. The season is only about 3 months long. There was a lengthy try-out process so it isn't purely "pay to play", but yeah the parents all paid good money for their kid to play. Coaches probably didn't know this kid's parents weren't present, but definitely there'd be a chance that these parents would object if their kid was benched for any length of time.

So yeah, it's probably easier just to wait the season out and then never have to worry about seeing this kid again, rather than trying to do something and risk getting the wrath of the parents.

 

[TopShelfSnipes]

Let the kid fail.

Sometimes getting cut and told his play is selfish is just the wakeup call needed, if he's truly committed to hockey.

Guardrailing him won't do anything except make him double down. And if his parents haven't noticed on their own by now, they're likely part of the problem or just not interested enough to do anything about it except possibly resent you for bringing it up to them at all.

 

[Mike C]

OK, so the answer is probably "no", but let me lay this scenario out.

We know this kid, lets call him Owen (not his real name). My son has played spring hockey with Owen for about 3 years, played on the same winter hockey team 1 year. We know his parents well enough - we're not friends and don't hang out, but we have each other's numbers. Owen's parents have a lot going on so I've given Owen a ton of rides to hockey over the last couple years.

Owen is a very talented and very selfish player.

Anyways, there was an out of town tournament recently. Neither of Owen's parents could come on the trip so an uncle went with him.

In the tournament of course Owen hardly ever passed - always tries to dangle and toe-drag past the entire other team which never works. But that's just par for the course with this kid. He still manages to get his goals though.

But he also took a ton of selfish penalties - retaliation penalties mostly. The cherry on top was at the end of the tournament, our team was down 1 goal, 2 minutes left, the kid takes another selfish penalty. After being called Owen slaps the puck down the ice. Refs promptly give him an unsportmanlike as well, putting our team down 5 on 3, ending any chance of a comeback. My son confirmed the refs had given the coaches numerous warnings about Owen's behaviour during the game. In the handshake line Owen is still giving it to the Refs. Coaches tell the team afterwards (without naming names) that they never want to hear players disrespecting the refs, but Owen just laughs it off. The rest of the team is very upset at Owen.

Should I say something to the parents?

My gut mostly says "no", it isn't my business. The parents didn't see this tournament, but it was hardly out of character. Owen is definitely their "golden child".

But I also know the team he wants to make next winter, and they won't put up with that kind of nonsense. In fact it might be too late as he has a reputation already. And because he is skilled I'd hate to see that go to waste because of lousy discipline.

Thoughts?

Nah, let him get his ass kicked next season and use it as a teaching moment for your kid in terms of sportsmanship, respect for elders and authority and then give your kid the pep talk I always give mine

" If you EVER behave like that, me and you are climbing onto the roof. We'll hold hands as we come down differently than how we got up and our euology will be This Was All a Fcking Failure"

 

[ichbinkanadier]

These kind of kids exist everywhere, and we all have our stories.

I’ve taken the position that I don’t say anything about someone’s kid because so many hockey parents are just… mental.

Even with parents we know really well, I keep my mouth shut. This one particular kid on my daughter’s team is really good, but he needs some technical stuff cleaned up with his skating and he would become a beast.

I know exactly what he needs to work on since I’ve been watching him for two years, we are really cool with his parents, yet I won’t ever say a word about it.

Because you just never know how hockey parents, even ones you know well, will take helpful criticism about their kids.

I've always thought of it as a waste of time to hold your tongue out of fear if a negative reaction. If the other person decides to cut you off, so be it, why stay chummy with someone so volatile and onvious lack of rationality and loyalty?

 

[Mr Jiggyfly]

I've always thought of it as a waste of time to hold your tongue out of fear if a negative reaction. If the other person decides to cut you off, so be it, why stay chummy with someone so volatile and onvious lack of rationality and loyalty?

I don’t hold my tongue when it’s actually needed.

Like when a moron kid cut my daughter’s hair when she was tying her skates, she beat his ass, but I had my say and it wasn’t pretty.

When another little asshole was doing off ice workouts with my daughter’s team and he told her to go make him a sandwich, I went off and again didn’t care about negative reactions.

But unless it involves my daughter, I stay out of people’s business.

The issue from OP is something the coach needs to address. If he isn’t addressing it, then speak to the coach privately.

 

[Sky04]

Never ever speak to a child without parents consent. Leads to bad bad things.

And what exactly are they going to do in this case? Drive him to the games themselves for once?

I would say bring it up with the coach and if it's bothering you so much then stop driving him to games, can't be a dick on the ice if he's not there.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Never ever speak to a child without parents consent. Leads to bad bad things.

I went back over this thread, and with respect I can't agree with this statement.

You should be careful about talking to someone else's kid, but to say "never speak to them" it way too broad. First of all there's just general pleasantries. For example I've known some of the kids my kids have played with for years and years now. I know them, their parents, and their kids know me. So I'll absolutely say "Hi Liam, how was school today" or whatever. It's just small talk, it would seem more awkward to not say anything. And in Owen's case I give him rides to hockey from time to time - of course I'm going to talk to him when he's in my car.

On the other extreme I will absolutely say something if I see a kid doing something unsafe or completely inappropriate. Even if I have no idea who the kid is. This is the coach in me coming out. I don't care if the parents get upset at me afterwards in this scenario.

But yes - if I'm not the coach, I won't say anything to a kid about their on-ice performance beyond "hey great game out there". I'm not going to give finer tips (or even basic tips) on skating, positioning, tactics or whatever. I don't know what the actual coaches are saying. I don't want to contradict what they're being taught. I also don't want the parents to get upset if I'm telling their kid something they disagree with. (and note my question was should I talk to the parents, not the kid).


The one thing I would say though is never, ever touch someone else's kid without the parents consent.

 

[Yukon Joe]

And what exactly are they going to do in this case? Drive him to the games themselves for once?

I would say bring it up with the coach and if it's bothering you so much then stop driving him to games, can't be a dick on the ice if he's not there.

I'm not going to do that. Without going into details Owen's parents "have a lot going on", they live close to us so driving him is a minor inconvenience at most, and while in a game I don't really want him on my son's team in terms of chance of winning it's not my place to try and prevent him from playing (and winning or losing at this level is so unimportant).

 

[patnyrnyg]

I would not say anything unless I was asked by Owen's parents. Why would they ask you? They may hear rumblings from others and since you are driving him on occasion they obviously trust you. This happened with one of our older teams. Kid was good for 2-3 penalties a game. One game, he had taken a stupid (allegedly) penalty (his 1st of the game) late in the 2nd period of a tight game. Coach benched him for the 3rd. His father said, "why isn't he putting my son on this period?" Father standing next to him said, "Well, he took a dumb penalty, he usually takes 2-3 per game, so Coach is teaching him a lesson." Father wasn't happy, didn't respond. But didn't speak to that parent for the rest of the season. Kid continued taking penalties. Not sure if there were any conversations between player/coach/parent afterwards.

 

[Mr Jiggyfly]

I would not say anything unless I was asked by Owen's parents. Why would they ask you? They may hear rumblings from others and since you are driving him on occasion they obviously trust you. This happened with one of our older teams. Kid was good for 2-3 penalties a game. One game, he had taken a stupid (allegedly) penalty (his 1st of the game) late in the 2nd period of a tight game. Coach benched him for the 3rd. His father said, "why isn't he putting my son on this period?" Father standing next to him said, "Well, he took a dumb penalty, he usually takes 2-3 per game, so Coach is teaching him a lesson." Father wasn't happy, didn't respond. But didn't speak to that parent for the rest of the season. Kid continued taking penalties. Not sure if there were any conversations between player/coach/parent afterwards.

These kids are everywhere, in fact, I’ve seen way more little puckhogs who think they are special, than kids who dish the puck.

If I talked to all the parents I knew with selfish kids, I’d be in an insta-loop that never ends.

It’s not worth my time or effort.

Smart hockey parents know when to open their mouth and when to keep it shut.

I don’t care what the other parents think, but the hockey community is small and if a parent gets a bad rap it has a negative effect on your child come evals.

That’s a 100% fact where I live.

 

[rt]

This is the coach’s job.