RAT DAY
KILL YOUR RATS!
The Tkachuk is the most common rat, however due to rat inbreeding there is a new smaller breed of rat which exhibits many of the same traits as his larger inbred cousin.
Be aware of the MangyPane Rat (along with his even smaller cousin, the Dube variant), of which a dead example can be seen in the centre of the poster above.
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LETS KEEP ALBERTA RAT-FREE!!
Now, onto the business at hand, todays GDT.
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The Calgary Flames require revenue sharing and are building a new arena. The current arena was recently ranked as the worst arena in the NHL by players and fans and looks like a crushed beer can but that is actually the roof starting to cave in. Plans are afoot to build a new arena but they need money.
Hopefully they don't build the new one in a flood plain like the old one, but hey, what do I know about civic planning?
However, never a team to miss monetizing an opportunity for new arena cash, the Flames do have a wide array of swim and beach wear, so you too can be styling' during the next arena flood!
Check out NHL SHOP Calgary Flames Swimwear, Flames Bathing Suits, Bikinis | shop.nhl.com for these great deals!
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No in fact, I actually feel sorry for our inbred cousins to the south.
Actually I don't. But whatever. My feelings aren't important here.
Every year they do a "Charity" Golf Tournament to raise money for "charity". However Flames players boycotted it before the last lockout, this after companies and individuals paid tens of thousands of dollars to "charity" to attend, all to help "charities". Major PR faux pas!! (True story, I think it was the year after they jumped the line to be vaccinated for SARS before the general public)
The Flames, embarrassed by this, decided to raise "charity" cash by holding fan BBQ, Bean Bag Toss and Cattle Drive! However at the last event, held yesterday, the arena caught fire from the Flames Broadcast Teams Hot Takes.
The celebrity guests were Mr Bean who swam all the way over from England, and Cassie Campbell*
*not pictured
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.It was too bad because they had to cancel the one lucky fan draw of the horse stables tour with fan favorites Mr Mony, Johnny Potty and Tkaturtle.
Last years PR Photo was a masterpiece, catching Mr Mony at the exact moment he was surprised when his horse head body double asked him for a carrot.
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.So now the Flames are reduced to marketing personalities and products outside their swim wear to raise arena cash.
They know they can use the image of their leader Mark Kneeordano, who won the 2020 Mark Messier KNEE-ership award!
He had an unbelievable season, taking McDavid's feet out causing him to destroy a knee into a goal post, and after 5 months of rehab worthy of a documentary, Kneeordano went after BOTH knees in their very next game! What a competitor!
His other near career destroying knees include competitive knees on Sebastian Aho, Cam Fowler, Bobby Ryan, Mikko Koivu and of course the Nazim Kadri hit to the head and the Dominic Roussell slew-foot!
Nobody competes like Kneeordano!
The Flames surely can use this brand and grift from kids all across Southern Alberta cattle farms!
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The Flames also partnered with megastar singer and performer, Britney Spears in a major co-branding arrangement like how the NHL partners with Green Day, who said f*** 173 times during the All-Star Game.
She is releasing, into the Calgary market ONLY!!, a special limited edition single of her mega hit Oops, I Did It Again, featuring an iconic Flames moment on the cover and made in referee's blood red vinyl!!
Those who buy the Season Ticket package for next year will get a free copy!
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And of course Covid presents its own money making opportunities! When life gives you lemons after all!
GM Brad Treliving has a unique way of wearing his mask, used to protect others from your germs, but hey he doesn't particularly give a f*** about others.
But all agree that way he wears the stylin' chin diaper is lit. So Tre' decided to market it to the Calgary faithful, a fantastic Flames branding opportunity because everyone has to wear one! And his are dual purpose! When at home, wear as your incontinence diaper. When you go out, pop it off and wrap around your chin and mouth!!!
This will actually SAVE Flames fans money! If Bill Gates can drink his own poop, Flames fans can ingest oxygen through their own urine and/or feces! (We don't judge)
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The Calgary Flames also have developed a new magazine that is rife with marketing and advertising opportunities along with public service announcements and brilliant editorials.
Due to the high rate of illiteracy in Southern Alberta, it is heavily pictorialized and they've tried to keep the length of words to below 4 wherever possible and only 1 page in length due to the short attention spans.
It comes as an online edition or mail order to your door, whatever works.
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Finally the Flames know they can market their new / old / retro Henry the Horse Ass Blastie jersey to their multitudes of fans who are used to wearing the ugliest jersey in the NHL.
And not a chin diaper among them yet. Double revenue time!!!
There is an extra 10 points for everyone who can find Cryin' Johnny Potty that I have hidden in the crowd. A Flames version of Where's Waldo.
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TONIGHTS LINES
RNH - McDavid - PJ
Ennis - Draisaitl - Honey Badger
Kahun - Khaira - Archi
Neal - Haas - Chaisson
Nurse - Barrie
Russell - Larsson
4K - Bouchard
Smith and Pray
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SPAWN OF SATAN
PROJECTED LINES
Johnny Potty - Cletus Lindholm - Billy Ray Dube
Elrod Mangypane - Woody Backlund - Ratboy Tkaturtle
Jim Bob Lucic - Billy Bob Bennett - Clyde Ritchie
Billy Joe Nordstrom - Chunky Froese - Josh Lievo
Kneeordano - Augustus Andersson
Bubba Hanifin - Bodean Tanev
Bobo Mackay - Eustace Valimaki
Big Sieve Dave
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GD VIEWING
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GD MUSIC
Money - Pink Floyd
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FEARLESS PREDICTION
Oilers demonetize the Flames and kill a rat.
We win.
They scurry back to thier ratholes, broke as f***.
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