I model my game after this 80s NHL player, and identify very comfortably with this actual published Scouting Report on said player (anybody know who this is?):
"
X is not a good skater. He has little speed and almost no lateral movement. What he does have is inertia...once he gets going toward the opposition net, nothing is going to stop him...his lack of skating is one reason why X can be a minus player. If he had to make the NHL on his defensive abilities, X wouldn't make the American league... trapped deep in the offensive zone, he is unable to get back in time to minister to his defensive duties. He also has no clue what to do behind his own blueline. He is not in position enough and doesn't know how to use his body... X does not stickhandle well and does not move with the puck well. He does not use his teammates well either, but in all fairness, he's in better position to score than they are... on the powerplay is where X shines...impossible to move from the front of the net... the Team would like to see X do a little more of his scoring during even-strength situations, adding a little balance to his game, so to speak... he should tighten up defensively. a 58-goal scorer who is a minus player is a little ridiculous."
Well, except we don't usually manage to run a PP as efficiently as real teams do, so maybe take away the part about the PP... and a proportionate number of the goals. But the rest is pretty much bang-on.