This is the solution.
@Striiker
My homemade sauce experiment was a success. It is super easy.
-Take two cans of San Marzano tomatoes. The peeled kind. Huge cans. They're some goofy number of ozzes, 29 or whatever. Your store probably has Cento brand, that works.
- Dump those cans into a blender and puree them
-Pour blended tomatoflesh into a large pot. Add 4tbsp of olive oil (Not the spray stuff Pam sells). Add the equivalent of a large clove of minced garlic; unless you do your grocery shopping at some godawful Sheetz, your store will have minced garlic in a jar and the jar will tell you what amount equals a clove. To keep the spices simple, a tablespoon and a teaspoon of Italian Seasoning. Add some salt and pepper, do not go overboard with the salt, it doesn't need too much. Set that to simmer. A simmer is a few bubbles per minute, AKA about 190 degrees; anything more is flirting with a boil. Maintaining that can be tricky, you'll need to check often.
-In a frying pan, brown sausages. Don't burn them. Don't cook them completely. Just brown the outer fleshwrapping. Add them to the sauce.
-Meatballs. You've professed noob status so don't worry about making them. Most grocery stores have premade fleshballs. Use those. Brown them in the pan and put them in the sauce.
-Let everything cook for 4-5 hours. Do not cover the pot, the sauce needs to reduce. Stir to control temperature and prevent burning. Maintain that simmer. Watch a movie or sports or just go stir between your constant poops, whichever.
-Boil pasta. Scoop that stuff on top. It will be good.
It looks like a lot of steps but it honestly isn't. This is a great starter for Italian food that will yield you great results with minimal effort.