OT: The Avalounge: No Homers Club

Pierce Hawthorne

HFBoards Sponsor
Sponsor
Apr 29, 2012
44,892
41,979
Caverns of Draconis
Ya, Unfortunately I think she's just leading you on SEPH. If she was truly interested she wouldnt be coming up with excuses to bail on plans. The sick card is a classic excuse and then the maybe next weekend line is another classic just to keep you on the hook.


Honestly if she has become more distant now and isn't initiating conversation anymore I would say she's probably losing interest and/or someone else has gained her interest.


I would say your best play now would be to just leave her alone for a few days. Dont talk to her at all and see if she initiates any conversation over the next few days. If she doesn't you have your answer.


Also, how much were you texting her? Texting a lot is a really bad idea in the beginning stages of dating, even worse when you havent actually had a date yet. It can completely destroy the mystery between the two of you and can cause that first date to go poorly because you already know a lot about each other if you're texting all the time and makes the date boring. Text(Or call) only to confirm plans in the early stages and leave the getting to know each other part to the actual dates.
 

Foppberg

Registered User
Nov 20, 2016
24,089
26,539
Summerside, PEI
Texting a lot is a really bad idea in the beginning stages of dating, even worse when you havent actually had a date yet. It can completely destroy the mystery between the two of you and can cause that first date to go poorly because you already know a lot about each other if you're texting all the time and makes the date boring. Text(Or call) only to confirm plans in the early stages and leave the getting to know each other part to the actual dates.

Ding ding ding.
 

Pierce Hawthorne

HFBoards Sponsor
Sponsor
Apr 29, 2012
44,892
41,979
Caverns of Draconis
I asked my (eventual) wife out via text. She scoffed a bit at the method, but hey I ended up getting a date.

Ya texting is fine today, I dont call either.


But I dont think its healthy to be texting every day all day early on when you're dating someone. I've been guilty of doing this the last couple girls I dated and I think it's a way to kill interest early in because 1) You learn so much about each other via text that it can make the discussion during dates a little more boring, and 2) By texting every day you're making yourself super available to a girl and often times that can kill interest as well once the girl kind of realizes she's probably the only one you are talking to.



Not that I'm an expert with girls :laugh: but after my most recent failure I started doing a lot of reading on the subject to kind of learn from my mistakes and this was the big thing I discovered.

At least in my age bracket(Early-Mid 20s) the early stages of dating is all about building attraction and texting every day doesn't do that.
 

S E P H

Cloud IX
Mar 5, 2010
30,712
16,239
Toruń, PL
Ya, Unfortunately I think she's just leading you on SEPH. If she was truly interested she wouldnt be coming up with excuses to bail on plans. The sick card is a classic excuse and then the maybe next weekend line is another classic just to keep you on the hook.


Honestly if she has become more distant now and isn't initiating conversation anymore I would say she's probably losing interest and/or someone else has gained her interest.


I would say your best play now would be to just leave her alone for a few days. Dont talk to her at all and see if she initiates any conversation over the next few days. If she doesn't you have your answer.


Also, how much were you texting her? Texting a lot is a really bad idea in the beginning stages of dating, even worse when you havent actually had a date yet. It can completely destroy the mystery between the two of you and can cause that first date to go poorly because you already know a lot about each other if you're texting all the time and makes the date boring. Text(Or call) only to confirm plans in the early stages and leave the getting to know each other part to the actual dates.
I am not disagreeing in the slightest, but why take me on this roller-coaster where she's legitimately starting text conversations, asking pretty personal questions, agreeing to lunch, and then bailing out? She doesn't seem like the type to put guys in the secondary department, but I will fully admit I have no clue in hell how women function.

Yes we've been texting a lot and you know I found myself trying to avoid asking certain questions because of what you mentioned here, but in terms of what I referred to above she was asking questions and I am the type of bloke who likes following through. Like I would feel so bad if she asked me a question and I didn't answer it (not sure if this is blessing or curse lol).
 

Pierce Hawthorne

HFBoards Sponsor
Sponsor
Apr 29, 2012
44,892
41,979
Caverns of Draconis
I am not disagreeing in the slightest, but why take me on this roller-coaster where she's legitimately starting text conversations, asking pretty personal questions, agreeing to lunch, and then bailing out? She doesn't seem like the type to put guys in the secondary department, but I will fully admit I have no clue in hell how women function.

Yes we've been texting a lot and you know I found myself trying to avoid asking certain questions because of what you mentioned here, but in terms of what I referred to above she was asking questions and I am the type of bloke who likes following through. Like I would feel so bad if she asked me a question and I didn't answer it (not sure if this is blessing or curse lol).

To the first bit... Girls just do this. They're just wired differently in all honesty. Like before my last few experiences I would have agreed with you that if a girl is initiating the conversations, agreeing to dates, getting personal, etc. you would think almost certainly that she's interested, because as dudes we know when we're doing this shit its because we are interested. But girls are different. She probably was at least partially interested at first to be initiating the conversation. But, if you guys were texting for a week or so without setting plans she probably got bored and lost interest over the fact you didn't step up to make plans and moved on to someone else. Which is why she's no longer initiating like she was before and acting more distant.... As much as it sucks to hear she probably has found another dude now.

The same thing had happend with me and my most recent fling last month. We started talking, she was initiating the conversation a lot. We actually went on a handful of dates and she was certainly into things at the time. But one or two mistakes on my part(Coming off as being needy a couple of times, and then we got into a bit of a fight drunk one night) and her interest disappeared fast, she basically pulled the same thing as your situation now. She stopped initiating conversations, came up with excuses to not be able to hang out, and eventually we just stopped texting entirely and it went to nothing and now a month later she has a boyfriend which basically confirms that she had started talking to another dude the moment the attraction on her end faded away in our relationship. I really think a lot of what I went through last month is applying to you here. There's a tonne of similarities by the sounds of it.



And to your second paragraph... If she send you a text and poses a question you definitely should respond, I would never just not reply to her, I agree with you on that. But dont initiate with her unless its to form plans to hang out. And when she does text you with questions or whatever, answer them but try and clue up the conversation quickly, even if you just make up some lie about being busy at work or being out driving, or whatever excuse to not be texting her all the time. That way it shows to her that you're busy with your own life as well and not 100% available to her all the time which helps keep the mystery and attraction on her side. And then by not texting all the time you keep topics of conversation available for when you do actually hang out.

Think about it like this. Her lack of texting the last little while has you thinking about her more now and wondering more about what she is doing right? By her not texting you these last few days you've essentially started chasing her in this "relationship". But if the roles were reversed and you were keeping conversations short and straightforward over the last couple of days, she would likely be the one chasing you and wondering what is that you've been up to that's made you so busy to not be texting the last few days.


The Short version is basically that, from what I have read the last little while and my recent experience, less is more. The early stages of dating are all about creating attraction and the less available you are to a girl(Without going so cold as to make her think you're not at all interested), the more attracted she becomes and the more she'll want to get to know you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: S E P H

RockLobster

King in the North
Jul 5, 2003
27,092
7,234
Kansas
Honesty @S E P H, I had this advice handed to me (after the failed dating attempt with the woman before my wife): just be upfront with what you want and if it’s not reciprocated then you move on to the next one.

And I don’t think texting is necessarily a bad thing in this day & age. I had gone to HS with my wife, and we had been FB friends, and I would have preferred to ask her on a date in person. But I didn’t know how I’d ever make that happen, you know? I wasn’t going to try and find out where she lived or worked, and I had no idea the types of places she liked to hang out on the weekends. So I sent her a FB message. I was painstakingly clear.

“This isn’t necessarily how I would have preferred asking (through text), but I’d like to take you out on a date sometime. Would you be interested?”

She said yes and we firmed up our date for the next night (a Saturday).

The following Wednesday we had our “second date”, which was a movie at her house. That night I made my intentions known. She knew a bit of my story and what I had been going through. But I laid it out there and told her that I liked her, I wasn’t interested in “playing games”, and I’d like to be her boyfriend and her my girlfriend. We had our first kiss that night and the rest, you could say, was history.

I share this because I do believe that being upfront just saves time and pain, in the event it fizzles. Yeah putting oneself out there takes some balls. But the alternative is what you’re experiencing now & what I experienced with the woman before my wife. I wish I’d taken this advice and just been straightforward at the beginning. Maybe I would have found my way to my wife sooner.
 
  • Like
Reactions: S E P H

S E P H

Cloud IX
Mar 5, 2010
30,712
16,239
Toruń, PL
To the first bit... Girls just do this. They're just wired differently in all honesty. Like before my last few experiences I would have agreed with you that if a girl is initiating the conversations, agreeing to dates, getting personal, etc. you would think almost certainly that she's interested, because as dudes we know when we're doing this **** its because we are interested. But girls are different. She probably was at least partially interested at first to be initiating the conversation. But, if you guys were texting for a week or so without setting plans she probably got bored and lost interest over the fact you didn't step up to make plans and moved on to someone else. Which is why she's no longer initiating like she was before and acting more distant.... As much as it sucks to hear she probably has found another dude now.

The same thing had happend with me and my most recent fling last month. We started talking, she was initiating the conversation a lot. We actually went on a handful of dates and she was certainly into things at the time. But one or two mistakes on my part(Coming off as being needy a couple of times, and then we got into a bit of a fight drunk one night) and her interest disappeared fast, she basically pulled the same thing as your situation now. She stopped initiating conversations, came up with excuses to not be able to hang out, and eventually we just stopped texting entirely and it went to nothing and now a month later she has a boyfriend which basically confirms that she had started talking to another dude the moment the attraction on her end faded away in our relationship. I really think a lot of what I went through last month is applying to you here. There's a tonne of similarities by the sounds of it.



And to your second paragraph... If she send you a text and poses a question you definitely should respond, I would never just not reply to her, I agree with you on that. But dont initiate with her unless its to form plans to hang out. And when she does text you with questions or whatever, answer them but try and clue up the conversation quickly, even if you just make up some lie about being busy at work or being out driving, or whatever excuse to not be texting her all the time. That way it shows to her that you're busy with your own life as well and not 100% available to her all the time which helps keep the mystery and attraction on her side. And then by not texting all the time you keep topics of conversation available for when you do actually hang out.

Think about it like this. Her lack of texting the last little while has you thinking about her more now and wondering more about what she is doing right? By her not texting you these last few days you've essentially started chasing her in this "relationship". But if the roles were reversed and you were keeping conversations short and straightforward over the last couple of days, she would likely be the one chasing you and wondering what is that you've been up to that's made you so busy to not be texting the last few days.


The Short version is basically that, from what I have read the last little while and my recent experience, less is more. The early stages of dating are all about creating attraction and the less available you are to a girl(Without going so cold as to make her think you're not at all interested), the more attracted she becomes and the more she'll want to get to know you.

Honesty @S E P H, I had this advice handed to me (after the failed dating attempt with the woman before my wife): just be upfront with what you want and if it’s not reciprocated then you move on to the next one.

And I don’t think texting is necessarily a bad thing in this day & age. I had gone to HS with my wife, and we had been FB friends, and I would have preferred to ask her on a date in person. But I didn’t know how I’d ever make that happen, you know? I wasn’t going to try and find out where she lived or worked, and I had no idea the types of places she liked to hang out on the weekends. So I sent her a FB message. I was painstakingly clear.

“This isn’t necessarily how I would have preferred asking (through text), but I’d like to take you out on a date sometime. Would you be interested?”

She said yes and we firmed up our date for the next night (a Saturday).

The following Wednesday we had our “second date”, which was a movie at her house. That night I made my intentions known. She knew a bit of my story and what I had been going through. But I laid it out there and told her that I liked her, I wasn’t interested in “playing games”, and I’d like to be her boyfriend and her my girlfriend. We had our first kiss that night and the rest, you could say, was history.

I share this because I do believe that being upfront just saves time and pain, in the event it fizzles. Yeah putting oneself out there takes some balls. But the alternative is what you’re experiencing now & what I experienced with the woman before my wife. I wish I’d taken this advice and just been straightforward at the beginning. Maybe I would have found my way to my wife sooner.
Damn, thanks lad for all the advice! Will most definitely be using it.
 

Pierce Hawthorne

HFBoards Sponsor
Sponsor
Apr 29, 2012
44,892
41,979
Caverns of Draconis
Damn, thanks lad for all the advice! Will most definitely be using it.

No problem.

Rock had some solid advice as well. I'm not sure what age group you're in but I definitely think once you hit your mid-late 20s and into your 30s Girls start playing a lot less games, they start to kind of get a good idea of what they want as well and are pretty straight forward so if you're in that age group you can definitely be more straightforward.

Even if you're younger like me(I'm 25), it'll save you a lot of trouble to just be straight forward and to the point. Instead of dancing around the question and doing all the texting stuff just be straightforward, explain to a girl your interest and just ask them out. Whether its this girl in your next conversation or the next girl after.
 

MarkT

Heretic
Nov 11, 2017
3,993
4,496
So I don't know if you guys have noticed something like this but since I'm a human in the world, I consume a lot of American based internet content. And what I've noticed is, I feel like different medias talk about going to therapy a lot lately. Memes/joke tweets will have punch lines about "my therapist:" or "now I have to get a new therapist", and podcasts will mention things like "the first time I went to therapy" or "how many different therapists have you had".

Is everyone in America/LA in therapy? Because I get that being "vocal about mental health" is great, but how come going to therapy seems to be becoming some kind of a norm? Is this a Hollywood thing? Because aren't healthy people still not supposed to need psychotherapy?

I don't mean to ruffle any feathers regarding mental health, but I feel like this has become a concerning trend to someone on the outside, even.

Every human being on earth who can afford it should be in therapy. That's my view on it. Any time I see it becoming normal I view it as a good thing. I believe there's no person on the planet who is so perfect that they couldn't benefit from talking over their problems with someone who's objective and who they can trust to not repeat what they say to others.

What are your guys' suggestions?

Pretty much what others have said. I'd go with your own style, but avoid playing guessing games. Texting her "too much" or not texting her at all might have totally different meanings to different girls. Until you have a date (or whatever you want to call it) face-to-face, you don't really know anything. The main advice I'd give you is to do what you can to know what the situation is (how she feels about you) before the end of the first date, and failing that, within the first couple of dates. And this doesn't necessarily mean outright asking her. It can be clear from body language, how she reacts to compliments and flirtation, what kind of things she asks you, etc..

And for goodness sake, don't worry too much or seem desperate (not saying you do either - just general advice)
 
  • Like
Reactions: S E P H

UncleRisto

Not Great, Bob!
Jul 7, 2012
30,774
25,608
Finland
So, my friend had Hutton and Holtby in fantasy and he ended up with one goalie with a shutout and one goalie with 0.00 Sv% and 22.78 GAA. His stats right now though are showing .893 Sv% and 2.65 GAA. Why is that? Isn't it supposed to be 50% and so on? How do those work?
 

Tweaky

Solid #2
Sponsor
Apr 5, 2009
5,548
1,801
Singapore/Thailand
It is total goals compared to total TOI and shots.

So 3 goals in 68 minutes, and 25 saves on 28 shots.

If it is a roto league, the whole year will be added up, so like 347 goals in 7308 minutes (2.85 GAA) and 3776 saves on 4123 shots for .916 sv%

If head to head, then it is just the weeks numbers added up (or whatever period that league uses).

At least he got the shutout. Most leagues count those.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: UncleRisto

UncleRisto

Not Great, Bob!
Jul 7, 2012
30,774
25,608
Finland
It is total goals compared to total TOI and shots.

So 3 goals in 68 minutes, and 25 saves on 28 shots.

If it is a roto league, the whole year will be added up, so like 347 goals in 7308 minutes (2.85 GAA) and 3776 saves on 4123 shots for .916 sv%

If head to head, then it is just the weeks numbers added up (or whatever period that league uses).

At least he got the shutout. Most leagues count those.
Thanks. It's everyone's first rodeo here and I lucked into a commish seat. :laugh:

I actually think the whole "caring about individual performance" thing is pretty stressful, but I love the banter that comes with it. A week won't pass where I don't tell someone I'm using the commissioner tools to drop someone off their roster and replacing their player with Mikko Koivu. :laugh:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Tweaky

Tweaky

Solid #2
Sponsor
Apr 5, 2009
5,548
1,801
Singapore/Thailand
Cancer sucks!
Very much so. Dad was lung, Nana was lymphatic, one aunt was brain, another was liver, one uncle was skin.

Hmm, seems I may have to worry about genetic pre-dispostion. Sheet. Glad I quit smoking a while back (prompted by Dad, plus wife being pregnant).
 

Ivan13

Not posting anymore
May 3, 2011
26,141
7,095
Zagreb, Croatia
Very much so. Dad was lung, Nana was lymphatic, one aunt was brain, another was liver, one uncle was skin.

Hmm, seems I may have to worry about genetic pre-dispostion. Sheet. Glad I quit smoking a while back (prompted by Dad, plus wife being pregnant).

Yeah, it can be quiet unsettling to realize this runs in the family. One uncle passed a couple of years ago from a brain cancer and now the other has liver cancer which metastasized to his lungs and is effectively in the final stage. To top it all off, my finace's aunt is having a mastectomy in a few days because of her breast cancer. Last few years really have been pretty nerve-racking because I feel like there hasn't been a longer period of time where someone close hasn't been terminally ill. Every phone call from my mom kind of make my stomach cramp up.
 

Ad

Upcoming events

Ad

Ad

-->