Road to Recovery: The Tapeworm Diet

[Jiminy Cricket]

As many of you know, I'm a 600 pound f***ing slob on the brink of death:

Update: My bed has cratered in the middle and my sheets have melded to my skin in some places. I am completely immobile and can't even lift my arms to eat anymore, so my wive has to feed me. Gosh knows what I weigh at this point. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

Or at least I was.

A few weeks ago I embarked on a revolutionary "tapeworm diet." I ingested a few tapeworm eggs which then hatched and grew into tapeworms.

The result? I'm a calorie-consuming f***ing beast.

These tapeworms will literally gobble up anything I throw at them. I'm eating 10-12 Big Macs per day, no problem, and still losing weight rapidly. I've lost almost 100 pounds since I started, and yesterday I (barely) walked for the first time in years.

I haven't had any ill effects so far, so I would highly recommend this diet. If you know of any issues feel free to let me know, but in all honesty I don't f***ing care.

Click to read more...

 

[LarryFisherman]

Real talk.

My mom was an ER nurse, and sometimes when I was little I'd spend the afternoon in the office across the hall after school. One day, this lady came in with a mason jar with a tapeworm that was something like 15ft. She was quite thin but not emaciated. It was f***ing gross.

 

[valeriammm]

Keep up the good work @Jiminy Cricket ! That McDonalds diet will surely pay off soon! Beach body ready

 

[LarryFisherman]

Have you lined up skin removal surgery?

 

[Jiminy Cricket]

Update: I pop tapeworm eggs like vitamins now so Gosh knows how many tapeworms I have. I'm eating 10,000-12,000 calories per day and still losing wait rapidly. These mother f***ers will literally gobble up anything and I highly recommend this diet. My shits have become violent and painful but that's a whole nother set of issues. I'm basically getting McDonald's® catering just for myselve every day now.

 

[Mantis]

Gosh bless you Jiminy

 

[Matthner3416]

Is this Jiminy guy a nutcase? Went scrolling pages back of the The Lounge the topics he starts are all over the place!

 

[Jiminy Cricket]

Is this Jiminy guy a nutcase? Went scrolling pages back of the The Lounge the topics he starts are all over the place!

He seems normal to me. Are you sure you have the right guy?

 

[ViktorBaeArvidsson]

Hoo lord my poops are too big