OT: Relationship Advice Thread

Discussion in 'New York Rangers' started by Loki Dog 74, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. Trxjw Retired.

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    Awesome news, man.

    Honesty is always the best policy. You might not fit everyone's ideal standard but at least you know most of the people who match with you are cool with it.
     
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  2. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Thanks. I'm doing a matchmaking service as well and I asked the matchmaker to tell the women that. However, I'll have 12 dates regardless. I remember when I was fat and never got likes on bumble. It sucked. So this is a little different.
     
  3. Lua Registered User

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    Obviously this this is a thread for dating and not heartbreak, but I just went through a devastating breakup with the only woman I've ever loved. I was completely blindsided. For a few days i've been in a polarized state that switches between soul-crushing anguish and like I'm dead inside. Last Thursday evening, I JUST got out of the shower, expecting her to come home within the hour, when I get a text saying she sent me an email. Before I even opened it, my stomach dropped, and the feeling hasn't gone away since. She loves me, but x and y and z and she can't be with me anymore.

    It feels like a star exploded in my gut and left a gaping super-dense black hole that is slowly sucking all the life from me. It's an actual physical pain. I look at myself in the mirror and I can't recognize what I see.

    I can't sleep, but I can't get out of bed. I can't eat. I can't work. I can't even cry. I just stare at the screen and refresh HF and drink liquor and smoke cigarettes and take four showers a day. The only person I've told was my sister because she asked me when we all wanted to get together with her husband and have dinner. I told her matter-of-factly that we're not together anymore and played it off like "shit happens" but she could tell I was inconsolable.

    Yesterday I packed up the last of her things and sent them to her parents house. My apartment feels empty and huge without her. The dirty dishes from our last meal together are still in the sink.

    I deleted all my ways of contacting her so I don't drunk text her and say something hurtful or grovel at her feet, begging her to take me back, or to explain why she's doing this. I'm trying to take it gracefully, but I'm so hurt and confused and angry and I don't know what to do with myself to relieve myself of the ball of pain in my stomach. I want to forget that I ever knew her. I want to forget every memory with her I have. I can't turn my head in any direction without seeing something that assaults me with one of those memories.

    I guess it couldn't have come at a better time with hockey coming soon to distract me. For the love of every deity man could possibly imagine, please let the Rangers hang in there as long as possible. It's the one small mercy I could ask for.
     
  4. Trxjw Retired.

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    Good on ya for improving yourself. Like I said before, working on yourself is by far and way the most important thing you can do for success in anything. I always hated that "I'm looking for my missing puzzle piece" mentality people have. What you should be doing is trying to be the absolute best cake you can be. Then you look for the right icing to compliment what you've already got because you're just fine on your own.
     
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  5. Trxjw Retired.

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    First, the good news. You're taking showers. That's a win in most people's books when it comes to breakups.

    Breakups suck. There's nothing really to say that'll smooth things over or make you feel better. Especially when it's so recent. Best advice I can give you is clean those dishes, hide the pictures, and do something to break up your routine. Doesn't matter if it's a walk around the neighborhood or starting a new series on Netflix, you just gotta do something to start mixing it up a little bit. Then in a few days you add something else to the mix. Buy a new houseplant, wall art, or bed sheets to change up your apartment just a little bit. Before you now it all those triggers that are eating at you now will be so far in the back of your mind that you can deal with them as you please. You'll also learn to appreciate those memories instead of dreading thinking about them.

    Hang in there, man. It'll get better with time.
     
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  6. Loki Dog 74 Dog of mischief

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    I’ve been there. I’ve been through a breakup like this one, and I’ve also been through a divorce that stemmed from finding out about my wife’s infidelity via a friend who was stateside while I was deployed in a combat zone. f***ing devastating.

    So, as a man, and not a counselor or a self help coach or someone who prescribes to always seeing the silver lining or taking this time to work on yourself or any of that... here is my honest advice to you. This may get heat from others, but this is just one man’s raw opinion.

    Do exactly what you’re doing for the moment. Do whatever the f*** you want to do. Get pissed drunk, smoke a whole pack, burn the pictures, let the anger and angst and hate eat you and burn a hole in you. Let that fire rage until it burns out. It will. Frankly, if you have a super close friend you can just vent and rage to, that helps too. If you have someone whose close enough that they can understand if you just need to spit pure venom for a couple of hours, until the venom turns to tears and you just implode for a few minutes, that’s okay to do. If not, I’m happy to be the closest thing to that person for you that I can be if you want to direct message.

    The only thing that matters during this process is that you don’t go so far as to cause damage to the rest of your life. As long as you don’t lose your job or damage relationships with family, by all means, let it wash over you and let it hurt and burn. If you’re like me, use things like the weight room or reading about mentality and men’s improvement to fill your time and direct some of that anger and energy. After a time, it will have hardened you. You’ll find a clarity you didn’t have before. You’ll feel the emptiness replace with nothingness, which sounds weird, but where emptiness is a hollowness that needs to be filled, nothingness is just... nothing. It isn’t pain or longing or anger. It’s just blank.

    When you get there, when it’s blank, go back out into the world and date around. Don’t find a girlfriend. Don’t look for a relationship. Get yourself out there, let your primal nature drive the ship for a bit, enjoy being a man who isn’t beholden to anyone, until you meet someone who is so special they’ll force there way into that burned out hole of nothingness and fill it. The biggest mistake I watch men go through is wanting so badly to fill that space that they try fitting each person they meet into it, regardless of whether they belong there or not. You’ll know when it happens. Until then, be selfish.

    I know that’s an ugly, cynical take. Maybe it’s not healthy. It’s certainly not progressive and wholesome. But we’re not saints. We’re not perfect. Don’t overdo it. Don’t drink yourself into a hole you can’t climb out of or destroy your life. But if you need to rage and wallow and then become a selfish bastard for a while in order to heal, it’s your life, and no one else’s. I don’t know. I was a jaded bastard for a long time between my divorce and getting engaged again. It worked for me though, and I’m a stronger person because of it, even if I’m not up for a Lady Byng anytime soon.
     
  7. Hi ImHFNYR Registered User

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    I've only been watching you talk to dozens of people for the better part of a decade. Very little of what I'm doing is assuming. Some of what I said was blunt but it was also fair based on what you're saying. I even openly admitted to my own mistakes as a way to show I get it. I didn't say you were definitely boring. I was assuming a little at the end. A LITTLE. That she's probably not talking to you as much as you want because what you're saying is safe and generic. Or she's just not that into it for some other reason.

    BUT

    I ALSO said that if you WERE being unique and interesting... y'know what go back and read it. HF Is a place predicated on reading and I swear no one ever reads
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2020
  8. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    I mean, I don't know what my posts on a hockey message board have to do with my day to day conversation with people or my dating conversation. I also don't know what you mean when you say "unique and interesting". It may be that you mean something else and I'm not by that definition. If unique and interesting is being Casanova and a huge flirt, I could probably work on that. If unique and interesting means having a substantive and interesting discussion then no that's never been a problem of mine. Either way, deriving my communication with people in real life from conversation on a hockey message board is a little odd to me.

    Edit: Something is telling me you don't like my posts (and sure a lot of them are over the top) and 50% of this is "here's some help" and 50% of them is you telling me off.
     
  9. Hi ImHFNYR Registered User

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    Relationships are about interacting with people
    I see how you behave here through countless interactions.
    So I was completely unsurprised by everything you said. The way you talked about your height, the anger you seemed to hold, the way you needed to shit talk her to put yourselves on equal footing. Hell even being annoyed that she isn't responding quickly enough to you.

    That's why I said what I said about if you WERE engaging her with interesting engaging conversation. I didn't rule out the possibility that you were so why are you responding as if I did? Again , I swear no one here reads.

    In the end you know your height is going to automatically make you unattractive to a lot of women just as being obese would. You are potentially wasting your time on girls who will drop you asap when they finally find out. Save yourself the trouble in the future.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2020
  10. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Because you somehow think that because I sometimes get angry about Lundqvist letting in a softy tells you something about how I interact with people in real life. It's completely asinine. And you're attacking my character based on posts in a hockey message board. In fact, I don't even have contentious conversations with people here, I sometimes go overboard and bitch at Lundqvist. I rarely actually get into arguments with the actual people beyond that. I guess sometimes I do get into arguments like most people that post enough, but that's a sports message board.

    All you're doing is assuming shit and using this as an opportunity to attack my posting and frankly me as a person because you don't like that I go overboard with Lundqvist criticism in threads. Yes, I do go overboard but that has nothing to do with my interaction with people in real life or with women. Your "advice" is pretty thinly veiled attacks on my posting and has crossed the line on attacks on my character.

    As far as your comments:

    I don't know how I talk about my height, am I a bit insecure about it? Yes. Though, as I said I didn't post it as a strategy, this particular time it didn't work I added my height now and we'll see how it goes.

    I'm not holding anger. I feel some people were saying I was being deceptive. Considering there's full transparency and you could just swipe left if you are uncomfortable not knowing my height, I think deceptive is not a fair take.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with being upset at her for this. I'm sorry I don't. If she were overweight and sent me a picture where it was obvious and I just disappeared and then unmatched her, she'd shit talk me as a misogynist to all her friends. If she didn't want to date someone short or have him talk to other people about her unmatching him when he said his height was 5'4 she could have just not messaged me if height was a hangup. If I said 5'10 (I used 6'3 facetiously I'm clearly not 6'3 from pics) and she would have talked to me then, then it's not me not putting my height in my profile.

    This girl I wasn't annoyed wasn't responding quickly enough. There was another girl that uncharacteristically didn't respond for a while when I mentioned going out. I possibly read too much into that and thought that indicated a lack of interest. It wasn't an annoyance. I don't like people that don't respond within some realm of decency because at some point it's rude but this girl is not the case because she responds quickly. I also do have to work on reading into long response waits on text, that I agree 100%. I'm a quick responder and often I don't consider that other people have different texting habits. But you made this into some sort of personal attack on my character like I'm some evil control freak. I'm nothing of the sort. My text anxiety is anxiety on my end not some control freak thing.

    But once again, I don't know why I'm responding to you in detail since you clearly have your mind made up based on posts on a hockey message board and have found an excuse to tell me how displeased you are with it in this thread.
     
  11. Boris Zubov Drop the puck!

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    Unfortunately, breakups are part of relationships, so you're in the right place. Really sorry to hear you're dealing with this, but the good news is this is rock bottom...there's nowhere to go but up from here. Things will improve, trust me, but time is both your enemy & your friend here. Grieving is a process, whether we lost a parent, a GF or a job. We've all been there, brother, & it's never easy when you're feelings were so strongly invested. The reason you're in so much pain is because you cared so much. Your reaction to this pain just means you're alive.

    I agree with Loki that the only thing you need to do right now is focus on yourself. If you want to get piss drunk for a few days, go for it. If you wanna eat pizza for a week straight, while playing video games, do it. Try to take things one day at a time. Once you're able to get back on your feet, then the best thing you can do is try to use this time for healing & a little work on yourself. Hit the gym harder, catch up with your buddies, plan a golf trip with them, etc. Drinking is a temporary fix, so try not to fall too deep into that hole. Alcohol is a depressant, so in the long run, it's not the answer to this problem.

    What you DO not want to do is call her, text her, email her...break off all contact. It's good you deleted all her contact info in your phone. Drunk dialing or begging for her back will only send you right back to the bottom, but if the urge feels too strong, arrange with a few of your buddies that you can call them instead of calling her. I've had friends there for me at any time, day or night, & I've done the same for them. They will talk you through it & you'll be ok.

    More good news, you will be ok. It will take a few weeks or a few months, but you'll be ok. Then you'll realize being single isn't so bad. Take your time, see what's out there. Variety is the spice of life, but no need to rush into a rebound relationship, they usually don't lead anywhere good. You won't replace her right away, but who cares...you don't have to. Enjoy being a bachelor for a bit...there's no need to stop enjoying life because you had your heartbroken.
     
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  12. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Hey man, sorry about all of this I read this and my heart broke. I wish this thread wasn't full of my extremely minor issue. Your post shouldn't be buried with my issue. I hope you feel better soon.
     
  13. Loki Dog 74 Dog of mischief

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    Hear hear. Good post.
     
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  14. Hi ImHFNYR Registered User

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    It's extremely telling how I never said a word about lundqvist bc the starting g of the nyr is irrelevant to this. I'm responding to HOW you talk to people. Are you telling me you only ever talk about one thing here? Like what?

    Right now were talking about you hiding your height, having relationship issues, angrily shit talking a girl you want to date in order to put you on equal footing AND getting mad she didn't respond in less than a day. Which all syncs up w how you behave here so, yes, I'm telling you that you might have things to work on based on all of this

    Again nothing you said in your relationship post surprised me. Based on what I've seen for years and combined with what you said in your relationship post height CAN be an issue and it sucks but it's possible that its not your real issue. Just saying its POSSIBLE. That's for you to reflect on I cant possibly know for sure what you do or dont do in your DMs. That's why I said you maybe ran into a plank of wood so dont stress.

    You posted here looking for feedback. You can argue all you want or you can take a minute, self reflect, stop putting words in my mouth and try improving on whatever it is you're doing now. It may not even be bad, but idk I can only go off the info you gave.

    I posted several things people want. You know whether or not you can improve on any of those things
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
  15. Loki Dog 74 Dog of mischief

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    @SnowblindNYR

    I will throw this one into the mix for you to consider.

    You say you’ve had long running, engaging conversations but mentioned that you’re not good at flirting (if I recall correctly).

    Now, if a girl matches with you, you already have a green light TO flirt. That’s essentially what these apps are for. It’s not called pen pal. Before you get defensive, I’m not trying to make any assumptions, I don’t know if you attempt to flirt or not, but being a really engaging conversationalist and being interested and asking all about them and stuff like that, while great, is eventually always going to land you in the friend zone. The women who match with you want to be flirted with. Women want to be pursued. So even if you’re the one initiating conversation and you’re being a great listener and engaging and thoughtful, if you always keep the conversation safe and never transition to flirtation/pursuit, you will end up in the friend zone.

    The good news is, these apps are a great place to be bold and take chances because you don’t actually know these women and losing a match is... not actually losing anything. So a little trial and error, taking some risks, getting better at flirting could ultimately be very helpful. Rejection on a dating app is about 10,000% less painful than rejection in person, so if there’s ever a place for you to hone the skill of flirtation and find the balance between showing the right amount of interest or being too aggressive, the app is it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2020
  16. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    I mean, I think I'm ok flirting but I'm not really good at being overtly sexual.
     
  17. Crease Chief Justice of the HFNYR Court

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  18. mrmovies779 The Greatest Teacher,Failure is.

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    Too tense,not enough flirting
     
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  19. SnowblindNYR Registered User

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    Old married couple actually.
     
  20. NYSPORTS back after this

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    definitely Covid is keeping them from meeting
     
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  21. Hi ImHFNYR Registered User

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  22. I Eat Crow Fear The Mullet Sponsor

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    Nice.
     
  23. I Eat Crow Fear The Mullet Sponsor

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    Right, so this is the first time I'm on here in over four months. All I have to say is that I'm glad I wasn't dating in the realm of Tinder, Bumble, Snapchat and whatever the crazy kids are doing today.

    I'm married with a two year old kid. I love the little guy to death but it's been tough since he was born. I've been with my wife for 8 years now, married for 3 of them. Despite the professional growth that we've achieved independently, I feel like our relationship has been stagnant and has just been about "surviving" since my son was born. I'll be honest here guys. There are things about her that I thought I'd be able to live with when I proposed that I'm really having a hard time coping with right now.

    She literally has no friends. None. Her sister (3 years younger), is essentially her best friend. As are her parents. Which I don't think is a bad thing at all in a vacuum. But she absolutely puts zero effort into maintaining her friendships. Granted since COVID hit it has been very difficult to do this, but this is why this bothers me; deep down I think that my fear is that if push comes to shove, she would choose her family over me if there was ever a situation where there was a big disagreement or a really big decision to be made where we'd be on opposite ends of the spectrum.

    The other MAJOR issues I've been having is that she has major anxiety and anger issues that she absolutely refuses to seek help for. She has absolutely no filter around our 2 year old son. Rants and raves, curses, yells at him sometimes when it's not justified. I try to be the calm one and explain that he'll pick up on this and feel unsettled with her down the line, but she keeps going on anyway when she gets going. At this point I'm exhausted. Straight up. I admit that I tune her out 90% of the time. I've tried to listen and I've tried to help her talk through things, but it never helps. Since COVID hit it's been 10 times worse. It doesn't help that we're both front line health care workers and are both going to have some degree of PTSD after all this, but that's a discussion for another day.

    We have a lot of work to do on my marriage. When the time is right, I'm willing to go to counseling and work things out. Whether my wife is remains to be seen. Wish me luck, folks.

    I'll chime in with my experiences over the years where I see fit if you all wish, but that's where I'm at right now. LGR.
     
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  24. MrEctions Willy Nilly

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    Im with you on the "social dating" thing. I have never responded to a post on this thread, but I can feel where youre coming from. Im 38, on my 2nd marriage and actually have 4 children under the age of 9. 2 were with my previous wife, and 2 with my current wife. My previous marriage lasted 7 years. I was where you are now. Obviously, I didnt have to deal with Covid but everything else is very similar. My ex-wife, had no friends at all. She is an only child, and very close with her family. I didnt begrudge her that, as I value family greatly. But when it came to friends and her having a semblance of a life outside just our relationship, it didnt exist. She would spend time at her parents house or her aunts but thats about it. For the first few years I just let it be and tried to find solace in my own things and life/work. But the longer it went, the more I felt like I had this obligation to be her only real friend. Like everything revolved around me and what I was doing, and if I didnt include her in it, I felt guilty. this f***ed with me on a daily basis, as in that 4th/5th year of marriage I had really come into my own and started what would become a very successful business. I was out of the house a ton, and spent extremely long hours just trying to build my dream, and work for myself. I kept her away from it for the most part as I didnt want to muddy the waters even further between work/family. I was, in some ways being selfish, but very happy that I had the outlet of work. I didnt neglect my time with my daughter at all, and made sure that I was always present when home. But during all of this, she had basically become attached at the hip of her mother. To the point where she had given her mother access to our finances, our home schedule, the way we parent and much much more than I was ok with. I made it clear this wasnt ok, and asked to go to counseling, which we did. To try and make this a bit shorter, it didnt work. The massive rift in our relationship wasnt salvageable. I realized that we had grown very far apart. I didnt look at her the same, we had become friends/roommates at that point. This was all in year 5 of our marriage. I stuck around until year 7 simply because of our children. It only got worse. We finally realized that living this way was never going bring happiness to either of us, nor our children. There was a ton of fighting, tears, sadness, and clarity that came when I finally left.

    Since that day I am truly happier than I ever was. I met my current wife about a year after ending my relationship with my Ex. We have been together for going on 5 years now, and married for almost 2. We are far from perfect, but the difference is we communicate in a way that I never did before. She has extreme anxiety and takes medication for it. I can pick up on the cues of it, and instead of questioning why, I simply recognize it as a chemical imbalance and do my best to understand her needs. If that means telling her to get out of the house for a bit and go shopping so that the kids arent driving her nuts, then thats what I do. I learned lessons from my previous relationship and grew from it. We have two beautiful little girls, and my son and daughter from the previous marriage are a part of our family as well, even though they live with their mother.

    I guess what Im trying to say through all of this is simply, its scary as f*** to take that step that might need to be taken. I wish for everyone to find happiness with their partner, but sometimes it just isnt meant to be. I was so scared to leave back then, because the comfort you have in that home is hard to replace with the unknown. But it can be so so worth it. If youre truly unhappy, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that no matter what you deserve to live your life happy.

    Sorry for this being so long winded. I havent ever really sat down and said any of this to anyone honestly. So it all just came rushing out.
     
  25. Boris Zubov Drop the puck!

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    I thought I wanted to be a dad til I got into my late 20s, early 30s. That's when my friends started having kids & I witnessed what it did to their relationships. I'm glad I realized it wasn't for me, because it was hard enough to maintain a functioning relationship with women without the child element present.

    The thing I've seen with so many couples with kids is when one partner (usually the mom) forgets she was actually an individual before marriage & kids. They completely give up on the concept of self & her only reason for existence is her husband & kids. Men can only stand so much of that before they want to run for the hills. A good couples counselor would hopefully relay to your wife that she needs to have somewhat of a life independent of you & your son.

    Women in general have a hard time making friends, because most of them are catty & superficial. (no offense to our female members). My GF doesn't have a lot of girlfriends because she's not your typical girly girl on the inside...she prefers watching sports to shopping or gossip. Her lack of female friends has been an issue with us in the past because she was overly reliant on me to be her entire support system. She used to get "jealous" that I was out playing golf or having a few beers with the guys without taking her along. But we've talked through it & reached a common ground for the most part. She's made more of an effort to be more social with coworkers, attending more female functions, going to yoga etc.

    The last part about the way she acts around your son, I am unqualified to comment. Doesn't sound healthy, so I hope you can find a resolution.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2020

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