A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who’s at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, her neighbour Rob is standing there.
Before she can say a word, Rob says, “I’ll give you $500 dollars to drop that towel you have on.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 dollars, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs.
Her husband yells out from the shower, “Who was that?” “It was Rob from next door,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?”
————————————————————————
A man wakes up in the morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looks up ‘Bear Removers’, calls them up, and the remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
When the bear remover arrives, he’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s this for?” asks the homeowner?
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
——————————————————————————
A recent bride accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the bride aside and said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast, including hot chocolate and Belgium waffles, and send him off to work with a kiss on his cheek and in a good mood.
At lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don’t burden him with household chores.
At night, make love with him several times a week. Be tender with him, do whatever he asks you to do as if you were on another honeymoon, and satisfy his every whim.”
Afterwards, on the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
———————————————————————————
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic man says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and one said, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24″ waist, and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh My God."
————————————————————————————
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “Lord grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish”.
The man said, ‘Build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say “nothing” and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
———————————————————————————-
An Aussie truck driver walks into an outback cafe with a full grown emu. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a beer please,’ and turns to his pal. ‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. ‘That’ll be $9.40 please.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day they return and the truckie orders a hamburger, chips and a beer, and the emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’ Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress. ‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato, salad and a martini,’ says the man. ‘Same,’ says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’ Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot contain her curiosity any longer.
‘Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well love, a few years ago I was cleaning out the back shed when I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there.’
The waitress asks him, ‘So what’s with the bloody emu?’
The truckie sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.
