Coach punishing players

[Grave77digger]

More specifically I am an asst. coach on our team and the head coach has gone out his way to punish my kid for swearing. This has gone on for a few months now and I just found out the coach made my son write him an apology letter for swearing and threatened to bench him if he did not write the letter. He was also told to not tell me (his father and asst coach).

Am I crazy for wanting to punch this guy in the face!?

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[BlazingBlueAnt]

I mean, is he swearing at the coach?

 

[Grave77digger]

He's 14 and no he doesn't swear at the coach. A team full of 13-14 year olds. Everyone swears but he feels the need to single my kid out with punishments. I mean he's my kid I'll punish him if I need to. Its just weird since he wasn't supposed to tell me he was being punished.

 

[HansonBro]

Ive seen coaches choke their own kids right beside me (i was a kid then too)

I feel like there's more to this story and you probably should know the other half as parent first and coach second

 

[Kamaya Painters]

The last thing you need to do as a father is to become physical. Even if it's tempting. Everything happens for a reason. Therefore you need to find out what's hiding behind the curtain.

1) Why did the head coach not want your kid to tell you what he was doing? People only ask for this when they've done something that can damage their own reputation/standing. Major red flag.

2) Communicate with your kid. It's your responsibility to do so. Make sure your kid isn't doing anything behind your back in order to confirm that he's being punished unfairly before you take any actions towards the head coach. Do the same with the head coach. Make your own evaluation based on fact, not opinion or emotional outbursts.

It should be fun to learn playing hockey, not a burden to face the people who're supposed to learn you things.

Good luck!

 

[puckpilot]

I can understand the coach punishing a player for swearing, but why hide it from you?

Is he trying to protect the kid from getting further punished because he did something worse than swearing, or is he trying to protect his own butt in some way? Or is it something else? It just seems strange, especially for just swearing. Trying to prevent a kid from swearing around other kids on a hockey team is like trying to stop a hurricane flood with a squeegee and a dish sponge.

Now that I think about it more, written apology? Did he swear at the Pope?

Seriously, if it's just swearing, why hide it from you? The sensible, adult thing to do would be to punish the kid and then have a short conversation with you about why he's doing it. It's not like you're someone he doesn't know.

Something doesn't jive here.

 

[HansonBro]

Ive already chimed in once here and the other guys after me are just confirming the wtf factor here.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Yeah, the obvious red flag here is hiding it from you, the dad and assistant coach.

I mean I like the idea of not swearing at least on the ice or in team meetings. I have no problem with reasonable and appropriate punishments. But the coach should be able to justify and explain his every action to the parents.

 

[goalie29]

The "don't tell your dad" is so far over the line, I don't know how to express it.

I've worked with kids for a couple of decades, coached school and community sports, and am a parent myself. No adult should ever tell a child to not tell their parents something. There must be more to this story, and if I was in your shoes I'd be having a serious conversation with the coach. Away from the rink, just the two of you. I wouldn't recommend punching him in the face, but I understand the sentiment - he tried to come between you and your kid, and that's so very wrong.

 

[jw2]

I dont care how you feel about this. You mentioned it has gone on for months... and you didnt have an issue. Now its your kid, and you have an issue.

How do the kids feel about this? Does it have a negative effect on them?

 

[ref19]

He's 14 and no he doesn't swear at the coach. A team full of 13-14 year olds. Everyone swears but he feels the need to single my kid out with punishments. I mean he's my kid I'll punish him if I need to. Its just weird since he wasn't supposed to tell me he was being punished.

Why are you as a coach of 13 year olds allowing them to swear? This comes from someone with a lot of coaching experience.

 

[Huck Cheever]

If your kid isnt swearing at the coach or directly at his teammate then i don't see the problem. If I was head coach id make sure there's transparency with the assistants and talk about the situation.

Kind of weird he told him not to tell his own dad... that's really weird to me.

 

[Porter Stoutheart]

More specifically I am an asst. coach on our team and the head coach has gone out his way to punish my kid for swearing. This has gone on for a few months now and I just found out the coach made my son write him an apology letter for swearing and threatened to bench him if he did not write the letter. He was also told to not tell me (his father and asst coach).

Am I crazy for wanting to punch this guy in the face!?

Yes, you are crazy for wanting to punch your kid's coach in the face. And you shouldn't be coaching kids.

None of the kids should be swearing. "This has gone on for a few months"... and the accepted disciplinary approach is writing an apology letter? Wow, that's pretty tame. Now your kid got caught in the dragnet and you thought he was exempt because you are the assistant coach, is that it? That's what it reads like, anyway. Maybe quit coaching and get some anger management counseling?

 

[HansonBro]

Yes, you are crazy for wanting to punch your kid's coach in the face. And you shouldn't be coaching kids.

None of the kids should be swearing. "This has gone on for a few months"... and the accepted disciplinary approach is writing an apology letter? Wow, that's pretty tame. Now your kid got caught in the dragnet and you thought he was exempt because you are the assistant coach, is that it? That's what it reads like, anyway. Maybe quit coaching and get some anger management counseling?

Easy tiger. Kids swear these days. Period. At school, with friends and especially at the rink.

The head coach should be the one to understand this the most and not having letters written in secrecy. Kids just need to be taught when and where swearing is ok, because it isnt going away

 

[Slats432]

If you think that is bad, my kid has told me what they say on the ice in MAAA. Very colourful.

 

[Yukon Joe]

Easy tiger. Kids swear these days. Period. At school, with friends and espicially at the rink.

The head coach should be the one to understand this the most and not having letters written in secrecy. Kids just need to be taught when and where swearing is ok, because it isnt going away

No. OP never mentioned what age kid he has. At certain ages I certainly do not want my kids swearing, on or off the ice. There's nothing wrong with a coach mandating a "no swearing" policy. There's also nothing wrong with using a written apology as punishment.

The problem here is the "and don't tell your dad".

 

[HansonBro]

No. OP never mentioned what age kid he has. At certain ages I certainly do not want my kids swearing, on or off the ice. There's nothing wrong with a coach mandating a "no swearing" policy. There's also nothing wrong with using a written apology as punishment.

The problem here is the "and don't tell your dad".

Yes he said he was 14.

 

[Porter Stoutheart]

No. OP never mentioned what age kid he has. At certain ages I certainly do not want my kids swearing, on or off the ice. There's nothing wrong with a coach mandating a "no swearing" policy. There's also nothing wrong with using a written apology as punishment.

The problem here is the "and don't tell your dad".

Right. The coach has the right to run his room and team the way he wants. We don't know where the swearing took place. Maybe in the hall, lobby, hotel, who knows. Not necessarily just in the room. Or maybe it was loud enough for the whole rink to hear, with little kids in the stands. Bottom line, he has a simple harmless disciplinary approach to the transgression. I'm sure he's not on an impossible crusade to wipe out all swearing amongst all kids everywhere. He's probably just trying to teach the kids some sensible restraint.

And the "don't tell your dad" sounds highly improbable. I'm sure there must have been something lost in the transmission there. Even if that's what the kid told his dad, I doubt that's what the coach really told the kid, c'mon. I'm sure you'd hear a completely different story if the coach was posting here.

 

[puckpilot]

And the "don't tell your dad" sounds highly improbable. I'm sure there must have been something lost in the transmission there. Even if that's what the kid told his dad, I doubt that's what the coach really told the kid, c'mon. I'm sure you'd hear a completely different story if the coach was posting here.

Let's assume this is true, then why didn't the coach ever speak to the dad/assistant coach about it? The dad is his assistant, shouldn't he be informed about any of the kids being diciplined and why, just so they're both on the same page about the rules and can dish them out consistently?

Also shouldn't the coach be informing the dad just so he isn't wondering why his kid is writing an essay on swearing when the kid should be doing his school work?

There may be a miscommunication with the kid, but what's the coach's excuse for not communicating at all with the parents about this?

 

[Slats432]

Maybe he is afraid of getting punched in the face?

 

[Porter Stoutheart]

Let's assume this is true, then why didn't the coach ever speak to the dad/assistant coach about it? The dad is his assistant, shouldn't he be informed about any of the kids being diciplined and why, just so they're both on the same page about the rules and can dish them out consistently?

Also shouldn't the coach be informing the dad just so he isn't wondering why his kid is writing an essay on swearing when the kid should be doing his school work?

There may be a miscommunication with the kid, but what's the coach's excuse for not communicating at all with the parents about this?

I think by the time my kid reached this age I stopped expecting any communication from the coach. At least not over minor things. My job is to pay the bills and drop him at the rink. Something like this, I would not expect communication. An "essay"? Sounds like a 1-paragraph apology. Coach is already assigning them video homework and other things, and disciplining them however he sees fit for any number of transgressions on or off the ice, and I'm good with that, he doesn't need to tell me about it.

I expect the dad knows the policy already, he's just looking for an excuse. If he can't accept that it's the coach's domain to assign that punishment, then he should have asked the coach about it instead of coming here looking for sympathy.

We are making a great story out of insufficient information, both sides anyway. Writing our own essays!

 

[ChuckLefley]

Let's assume this is true, then why didn't the coach ever speak to the dad/assistant coach about it? The dad is his assistant, shouldn't he be informed about any of the kids being diciplined and why, just so they're both on the same page about the rules and can dish them out consistently?

Also shouldn't the coach be informing the dad just so he isn't wondering why his kid is writing an essay on swearing when the kid should be doing his school work?

There may be a miscommunication with the kid, but what's the coach's excuse for not communicating at all with the parents about this?

Why would a coach have to communicate to the parents every time a team rule was broken? Anything short of being suspended has no need for the coach to talk to the parent.

 

[Name Nameless]

More specifically I am an asst. coach on our team and the head coach has gone out his way to punish my kid for swearing. This has gone on for a few months now and I just found out the coach made my son write him an apology letter for swearing and threatened to bench him if he did not write the letter. He was also told to not tell me (his father and asst coach).

Am I crazy for wanting to punch this guy in the face!?

What is the wording on "don't tell your dad!"?

Is it "don't go complaining to your dad. Sort it out as a man, fix this yourself". Courious.

 

[MartinS82]

If the coach has a rule of no swearing, then there should be no swearing. His punishment seems appropriate too, writing a letter. The "don't tell your Dad" is weird - maybe the Assistant Coach/Coach dynamic is a bit off. OP wanting to punch the guy in the face is probably the most troubling part of this.

 

[Grave77digger]

Sorry I left everyone hanging on this. So as an update to this, the head coach resigned a couple weeks ago. He cited personality conflicts on the team. Really the last straw was him getting hit in the helmet by a bouncing puck at the end of practice. We have gone on a 5 game shutout streak since then I think the complaints were beginning to add up. The hockey organization had to step in and help us out. They had never seen a coach resign mid season before.

Edit. Reading back through some of you missed the part where I am an asst. coach on the team. It doesnt matter now. We are winning and the kids and parents are happier now. I wont speculate what his problem was but from what I saw and heard he split the locker room and prevented the team from coming together. Theres obviously more to the story here but I only know my small part in it. Many of the the parents had problems as well.