A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem.
After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following
story:
"Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man
with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on
the wire?"
The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no. Let's try again, maybe you didn't hear me correctly,"
the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots
one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the
wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the man shot one bird, the noise
from the gun scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "that's not technically correct, but I like the
way you think."
"Thanks," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question."
"Okay," she said guardedly.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One
woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle,
and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "which one is it, the one
licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?"
"Well, uh," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"Naw," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry Mr Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a huge penis like that. It has to be saved for posterity.”
With that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s hugeness.
He stuffed it into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened the briefcase.
“Oh my God!” the wife screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.”
But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.
The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.
When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”
It's late in the evening at a local bar and the crowd is thinning out.
A guy sees a woman towards the end of the bar. He didn't pay much attention to her at first. He figured she must be in her 50s. Maybe it was the late hour or the scotch but as the night wore on, he started checking her out even more.
He walks up to her, takes a seat and buys her a drink. He thinks to himself "Yeah she's older but she's really hot." The conversation heats up after another round of drinks.
The woman turns to him and says "Have you ever had a mother-daughter threesome?"
He replies "Matter of fact, I have not."
She says to him "Well tonight's your lucky night."
She takes him back to her place, opens the front door and turns on the light.
Then she yells upstairs " Ma! are you still up?"
Guy goes in a confession booth:
- Father, yesterday I was in carnal relations with two hot blondes.
- That is not becoming of a Catholic, my son.
- Oh, I'm not a Catholic.
- Then... why do you tell me this?
- I tell everyone.
A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson...!"
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, on his iPad with his earbuds on. When he notices her, he says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A fly is hovering six inches above a lake. What the fly doesn't know is there's a fish watching him, and the fish says "If that fly drops 6 inches I've got me a pretty good meal".
What the fish doesn't know is there's a bear watching him and that bear says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish gets fly, I get the fish, I've got a pretty good meal".
What the bear doesn't know is there's a hunter watching him and the hunter says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish gets fly, bear gets fish, I get the bear, I've got a pretty good meal".
What the hunter doesn't know is there's a rat watching him and the rat says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish gets fly, bear gets fish, hunter gets bear, I get the sandwich in the hunter's pocket, I've got a pretty good meal".
What the rat doesn't know is there's a cat watching him and the cat says, "If that fly drops 6 inches, fish gets fly, bear gets fish, hunter gets bear, rat gets sandwich, I get the rat, I've got a pretty good meal".
And then it happens. The fly drops 6 inches, fish gets fly, bear gets fish, hunter gets bear, rat gets sandwich, cat jumps out, misses the rat, tumbles down the hill and falls into the lake.
And the moral to this whole story is when a fly drops 6 inches, a p***y gets wet.
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