Le Barron de HF
Justin make me proud
SUMMERFEST XXX: X RATED
JackSlater Promotions President: Bill Watts
1. Six Man EliminationTag Match: Chad and Tad and Chaz (Formerly John Laurinaitis, Terry Taylor, Charlie Haas, With Spenny) vs. Negro Casas and Pat Patterson and Rusev (With Lana and Ken Raper)
2. Drew “Macca” McIntyre (With Scott “The Flash” Norton) vs. Buddy Rose (With Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy)
3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Tully Blanchard (Champion, With David Otunga) vs. KENTA*
*If Blanchard wins the Go To Sleep will be banned in JackSlater Promotions
4. Tag Team Championship Gauntlet Match: The Holy Demon Army (Champions Toshiaki Kawada and Akira Taue) vs. The Upper Crust (Nick Bockwinkel and Damien Sandow) vs. Delta Iota Kappa (Kenny Dykstra and Jimmy Rave) vs. Furnas and LaFon (With Jesse Ventura) vs. Last Call Bounty Hunters (Steve Blackman and David Schultz)
Jose Lothario Memorial Video Package
5. Daniel Solwold-Caulfield (formerly Austin Aries) vs. Magnum TA
6. Cruiserweight Championship Ladder Match – Ultimo Dragon (Champion) vs. AKI Man (Rumoured to be Kushida…?) vs. Ilja Dragunov (With Jessie Ventura) vs. Brian Kendrick
7. Terry Funk vs. Shinsuke Nakamura*
*If Funk wins, Nakamura must release his theme song on Funk’s next album. If Nakamura wins, Funk must return to retirement.
8. Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig (With Picture Perfect Stacy Keibler) vs. Kevin Owens
9. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bruiser Brody (Champion, With Sherri Martel) vs. Shawn Michaels
Background:
Six Man Elimination Tag Match: Chad and Tad and Chaz (Formerly John Laurinaitis, Terry Taylor, Charlie Haas, With Spenny) vs. Negro Casas and Pat Patterson and Rusev (With Lana and Ken Raper)
Chad Lawrence and Tad Taylor, lost without their mistress from the previous year, found JackSlater Promotions too oppressive and began making plans for their post-wrestling careers. A lecture from Nice Guy Spenny, however, showed them the error of their ways. After meeting the likeminded Chaz Harris, the Wholesome Threesome set out to #cancel the regressive elements of JackSlater Promotions and make wrestling wholesome again. First the trio nearly crippled poor Ken Raper after the patriarchal Cowboy Bill Watts refused to put a trigger warning before the jobber’s matches. They then moved on to attacking Mexican legend Negro Casas after he refused to change his “problematic” name. The trio then decided that they “can’t even” with Rusev, as he was flaming Russo-phobic sentiments, or his manager Lana, who they claimed was appropriating Russian culture. Finally their sights turned on Pat Patterson, formerly very flamboyant but recently more of a brawler, as they felt that Patterson has denied his true background and thus encourages people to hide who they are – so very tone deaf in 2019. Casas, Rusev and Patterson, with Lana pushing wheelchair bound Ken Raper, have banded together and plan to squash their allegedly moralistic tormentors.
Watts’ Rule: The match will be fought under elimination rules until one team is entirely eliminated. Eliminated wrestlers must immediately go to the backstage area.
Drew “Macca” McIntyre (With Scott “The Flash” Norton) vs. Buddy Rose (With Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy)
Former tag team champions Drew McIntyre and Buddy Rose, the Hollywood Heartthrobs, had a successful run. A chance encounter with Stacy Keibler, in which she labelled McIntyre a sultry 9 and Rose a lowly 2, created a rift between the two that eventually culminated in McIntyre abandoning Rose during a title defence because he feared for the safety of his new purple lensed sunglasses and white straw cowboy hat. The formerly arrogant Rose, who long considered himself every girl’s dream, felt his confidence shatter.
McIntyre, on the other hand, accepted the praise and took on a new persona – Macca, a “man of peace” who wrestles for a higher power and is a self-proclaimed fighting champion despite not being a champion and often refusing to fight while his bodyguard, Scott “The Flash” Norton handles things. In between putting on a benefit wrestling show that lost money for “the third world” and endlessly promoting his single visit to the make a wish foundation, Macca has found the time to make sure that all of his matches are available online for fans to see and film a segment from his Scottish castle urging all of his fellow wrestlers to donate their PPV paychecks to the less fortunate wrestlers around the world. After an appearance on Baywatch a renewed Playboy Buddy Rose, now a slim, trim 273 pounds, has reached out to some old flames, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, who will be on his arms as he struts to the ring at Summerfest XXX to put “Macca” in his place and show him that he really is number 2.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Tully Blanchard (Champion, With David Otunga) vs. KENTA
Long serving JackSlater Promotions’ intercontinental champion Tully Blanchard has clung to his title, much to the chagrin of president Bill Watts. Blanchard failed in his quest to have blows to the head banned, but has won, with the help of his Harvard educated lawyer David Otunga, the right to wear protective headgear during his matches. Blanchard has barely wrestled over the last year, having cited his alleged post-concussion syndrome, but president Watts has ordered that Blanchard face off against his most feared opponent yet – KENTA, innovator and master of the deadly Go To Sleep. After much negotiation it has been decided that while Blanchard’s title is on the line, should KENTA lose he will never be allowed to use the Go To Sleep again, lest he scramble the brains of any future opponent.
Tag Team Championship Gauntlet Match: The Holy Demon Army (Champions Toshiaki Kawada and Akira Taue) vs. The Upper Crust (Nick Bockwinkel and Damien Sandow) vs. Delta Iota Kappa (Kenny Dykstra and Jimmy Rave) vs. Furnas and LaFon (With Jesse Ventura) vs. Last Call Bounty Hunters (Steve Blackman and David Schultz)
Fierce tag team action as the tag team champions, The Holy Demon Army, attempt to run the gauntlet and retain their tag team titles. First up is The Upper Crust, erudite former world champion Nick Bockwinkel and the intellectual saviour of the unwashed masses, Damien Sandow. The challengers have sworn to not only elevate the tag titles but also elevate the level of discourse and pugilism in wrestling. Next up is the Delta Iota Kappas, known for playing acoustic versions of tunes like Wonderwall and Wagon Wheel on their way to the ring, who have their collars popped and plan to use their double spiked DDT to get what they want. Next, after much failed lobbying by Ventura for final spot in the gauntlet due to seniority, is Furnas and LaFon. Tired of being ignored in favour of inferior but more marketable tag teams, the pair has joined up with Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union in the hopes of job security and career progression. Finally is Last Call Bounty Hunters, put on the case by a president Watts who desperately wants the tag titles back in North America and also out of the hands of Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union. Schultz has sworn to beat the raggedy asses of whoever has the misfortune of keeping him and Blackman from their acquisition.
Watts’ Rule: Each match in the gauntlet has a time limit of 8 minutes, with a draw seeing the team that wrestled in the previous match, or in the case of the first match the champions, advance. Breaking up a pin or submission attempt even once results in the disqualification of the offending team.
Jose Lothario Memorial Video Package
Memorial video package for deceased wrestling legend and trainer Jose Lothario
Daniel Solwold-Caulfield (formerly Austin Aries) vs. Magnum TA
Austin Aries has returned to JackSlater Promotions after two years wrestling for promotions “you’ve never heard of”, while Magnum TA has spent the last year happily hittin the mats and bangin the rats while thrilling fans with his power, glorious blonde mullet, and steel wool chest hair. Declaring that he must be true to himself and live his best life, Aries has decided to go with his true name – Daniel Solwold-Caulfield. Discarding his too mainstream 450 splash in favour of obscure Japanese moves and adopting some lo-fi beats for his ring entrance, self styled non-conformist DSC seems to be a new man in his new faded pomp and Bandholz, skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and thick dark-rimmed glasses. Things between the two wrestlers became tense when DSC’s Prius “accidentally” scratched Magnum’s Southern rock blaring Harley in the parking lot outside May Day Massacre fan-fest. Earlier, a grill-manning Magnum had refused to discuss mustache maintenance or to cook DSC’s locally sourced beyond-meat burgers and knocked his thrift store charcuterie board to the ground. At the conclusion of the heated parking lot conversation, in which Magnum threatened to hit a man in lensless glasses and DSC suggested that a fascist Magnum drove a big Harley to compensate for certain shortcomings, DSC spit his organic microbrew into Magnum’s eyes, blinding the redneck brawler for several weeks. A match has now been set and the vibes in JackSlater Promotions may never be the same again.
Cruiserweight Championship Ladder Match – Ultimo Dragon (Champion) vs. AKI Man (Rumoured to be KUSHIDA) vs. Ilja Dragunov (With Jessie Ventura) vs. Brian Kendrick
Having defeated a holder of many titles in the former Austin Aries, Ultimo Dragon has combined his 15 titles into one. With such a prestigious title however have come many challengers. The mysterious and bold AKI Man, with his charismatic moveset and signature poses, has thrown his hat in the ring. The empty husk of Brian Kendrick, seemingly a dreary shell of his former self after his decimation at the hands of Bruiser Brody, has also trudged forward to challenge the Dragon. Ilja Dragunov, the new Soviet protégé of wrestling’s maverick Jesse Ventura, has also challenged for the title. Dragunov was the first to join Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union, or as Dragunov has called it collective. Ventura, who has fought Cowboy Bill Watts for rights such as free healthcare for the wrestlers, paid hotel rooms during travel, title shots to be granted based on seniority, and equal merchandise for all wrestlers, feels that once his Wrestler’s Union is filled with champions the rest of the boys will fall in line and take back the power that he, and by extension they, have deserved all along.
Watts’ Rule: A wrestler who spends 30 consecutive seconds outside of the ring, whether injured or just stalling, will be counted out of the match unless only two wrestlers remain.
Terry Funk vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Middle aged wrestling legend Terry Funk has been retired for the past two years after his defeat at In Your House: Outlaw Hart. Always an eccentric, Funk decided to leave the wrestling world behind and release his first ever album: Terry Funk – Great Texan. Extremely low sales, even in Funk’s adopted home of Japan, left the Texan fuming mad and he decided to use his connections in the wrestling world to push his album. A signing at May Day Massacre fan-fest saw no fans show up, outside of vinyl carrying Daniel Solwald-Caulfield, but did see JackSlater Promotions’ own resident rockstar, Shinsuke Nakamura, chuckle at Funk and mock him in Japanese. The Funker responded by attacking Nakamura with a Japanese folding fan plus a cowbell and smashing a vinyl copy of his album over Nakamura’s head before providing him with a bloody autograph. He has continued to jealously attack Nakamura during his popular theme song, which has outsold Funk’s album around the world, even once putting Nakamura through a sturdy Japanese table. Nakamura has yet to successfully hold Funk off, as Funk notes that Nakamura has grown lazy and is no longer the King of Strong Style but rather the King of Wrong Style. A match has now been set which will see Funk and Nakamura face off in a sanctioned match, with Funk having to remain retired should he lose and Nakamura required to put his theme song on Funk’s next album should he lose.
Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig (With Picture Perfect Stacy Keibler) vs. Kevin Owens
Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig has a message for the world – he is proud to be perfect. Perfect has informed the fans that yes, even in 2019, it is good to be perfect. Hennig has noted that everywhere he goes he sees people proudly talking about their frailties, their anxieties, their physical and mental deficiencies. Dubbing it the “pity Olympics” and a shameless search for sympathy, Hennig has doubled down on proclaiming his own perfection as well as that of his Picture Perfect valet, Stacy Keibler. Kevin Owens, a changed man following his idol Shawn Michaels dishearteningly rejecting him as an ally several months ago, has taken issue with Perfect’s stance. Owens has declared that while everyone should strive to be their best, it is a sign of strength to admit weaknesses. Owens has cited his own physical imperfections to drive his point home, while continuing to succeed in the ring and thrash opponents on the mic. Mr. Perfect has rejected this premise and begun filming vignettes highlighting the flaws he perceives in both Owens and the current generation of fans – doing crunches to get the six pack Owens lacks, fixing his Ferrari that Owens couldn’t afford, but also mockingly showing fans how to make a phone call without anxiety, how to eat a grown up meal without crying about food sensitivities, how to purchase a house before turning 50. Growing more personal in his vignettes Perfect has even slid into Owens’ wife’s DMs to crudely show her “what a real man looks like”, shown Owens’ son how to throw a baseball properly, and even mowed Owens’ lawn at his Quebec home. Pushed to the breaking point, Owens slapped Perfect so hard that he flopped out of the ring and over the guard rail during a confrontation on weekly programming. A match has been set to decide who is better – the family man or the perfect man.
Heavyweight Championship Match: Bruiser Brody (Champion, With Sherri Martel) vs. Shawn Michaels
The Heartbreak Kid is broken. Shawn Michaels was on top of JackSlater Promotions nearly one year ago. World heavyweight champion and the best performer in the business. An idol to legions of fans, and he knew it. Once he ascended to the top of the wrestling world, Michaels began pushing away those who helped him. His former tag team partner was cast aside, falling on hard times and landing in far lesser known promotions. His trainer Jose Lothario was relegated carrying Tully Blanchard’s jacket to make ends meet. His former manager and rumoured love interest Sherri Martel was publicly embarrassed by Michaels and spurned at the Helloween PPV when he offered her a ticket out of town as a “trick” in response to the “treat” she offered. Things quickly began to turn for Michaels as a series of brutal challengers began showing up and attacking Michaels for seemingly no reason. Always confident in his abilities, Michaels accepted all challenges and dispatched each opponent, though the brutality of the matches took a toll. Former trainer Lothario reached out to Michaels to clean up his act and begin training again, but Michaels enjoyed his fast-paced lifestyle and found himself still unbeaten. Things changed at Christmas Crisis event when Sherri Martel returned with a special gift for Michaels. Michaels accepted and wrestling’s eloquent monster, Bruiser Brody, emerged. Claiming that avarice and victory had defeated Michaels and perverted his decadent reign, Brody proceeded to rather easily defeat the distracted and worn-down Michaels, culminating in a brutal backbreaker that created a sickening thud and left the showstopper unable to get up off the mat. Without his title and unable to wrestle, Michaels left wrestling and wallowed in a mire of drugs and bitterness. The death of his manager Jose Lothario, cause of death jokingly described by Sherri as a broken heart, as well as a failed attempt by protégé Brian Kendrick, easily brutalized by a mocking Brody, to avenge his broken back finally motivated Michaels to begin training again with renewed vigour and focus. President Bill Watts offered Michaels an automatic rematch, but Michaels declined and decided to earn his way back up to Brody. Michaels has now climbed the ladder and is determined to regain his title, his career, and his honour.
vs
Habsrule
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Welcome to the Mecca of wrestling..... Wrestlemania. Coming to you from the Madison Square Gardens in New York City.
The commentators for tonight’s event are Bobby “The Brain” Hennan and Gorilla Monsoon.
The show starts off with the Cruiserweight champion Mustafa Ali defending his belt in a triple threat match against “Gentleman” Jack Gallagher and “Hurricane” Helms.
“The American Dream” Dusty
Rhodes was interrupted by “MJF” Maxwell Jacob Friedman after his last match.
“You may have won your last match but you are such a loser. I bet you that when you were in high school the cool kids, like me, tried to stuff you in a locker. The problem is that you couldn’t fit. I was flipping through the tv channels the other day and I was lucky enough to watch you. I was watching “My 600 Pound Life”. Ladies and gentlemen in case you have been living under a rock, you are looking at the youngest and the fastest rising star in professional wrestling today...Maxwell Jacob Friedman. And I would love to kick your fat ass any day The American Cream.”
Next we come to you from the “Broken” Matt Hardy compound. Entering the compound carrying his trusty guitar is the Honky Tonk Man. This is a falls count anywhere match taking the fight from the garage, to the shed, to the animal barn. The only way to win this match is to throw their opponent into the Lake of Reincarnation.
Coming back to you from the MSG we have King Kong Bundy versus Bob Backlund. Bundy has been beating all challengers and has been making the ref do a five count. Bob Backlund has challenged him to a match. Five count versus three count.
The Intercontinental Champion Johnny Morrison has his belt up for grabs in a high flying match against Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka and Jushin “Thunder” Liger. This triple threat match takes flight from the start to finish.
The co main event has The New Day (Woods, Big E, Kingston) take on the Bullet Club(Anderson, Gallows, Styles). New Day are the Tag Team Champions.
Kofi was backstage and got blindsided by a Styles surprise attack. Big E and Woods come to Kofi’s rescue and Styles runs off. As they are standing over Kofi trying to get him up, Anderson and Gallows come in from behind and attack them. New Day challenge the Bullet Club to a fight but they want a fair fight. It is an elimination match. When one wrestler gets pinned they get eliminated from the match.
Excuse me we have to interrupt this broadcast to bring you back to the Matt Hardy Compound. Honky Tonk Man is emerging from the Lake of Reincarnation. Wait a minute... it is not Honky Tonk... it is.... Disco Inferno!?!?
The main event this evening brings you the Heavyweight Champion Randy “Macho Man” Savage against Vince McMahon in a Hell in a Cell match.
STEPH: Daddy I have something to tell you.... So you see when I was a teenager I had a relationship with someone that I never told you about.
VINCE: That’s OK honey. We all have that one that we hid from our parents. You were young. I understand. So was the young chaps name?
STEPH: Well he wasn’t exactly my age. He was a bit older than me..... He was Macho Man.
Vince: You son of a *****. Their is only one way to settle this. Hell in a cell. And if I beat you then YOU ARE FIRED!!!
Macho: OOOH YEAAAAH. She really likes her slim Jim’s.
JackSlater Promotions President: Bill Watts
1. Six Man EliminationTag Match: Chad and Tad and Chaz (Formerly John Laurinaitis, Terry Taylor, Charlie Haas, With Spenny) vs. Negro Casas and Pat Patterson and Rusev (With Lana and Ken Raper)
2. Drew “Macca” McIntyre (With Scott “The Flash” Norton) vs. Buddy Rose (With Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy)
3. Intercontinental Championship Match: Tully Blanchard (Champion, With David Otunga) vs. KENTA*
*If Blanchard wins the Go To Sleep will be banned in JackSlater Promotions
4. Tag Team Championship Gauntlet Match: The Holy Demon Army (Champions Toshiaki Kawada and Akira Taue) vs. The Upper Crust (Nick Bockwinkel and Damien Sandow) vs. Delta Iota Kappa (Kenny Dykstra and Jimmy Rave) vs. Furnas and LaFon (With Jesse Ventura) vs. Last Call Bounty Hunters (Steve Blackman and David Schultz)
Jose Lothario Memorial Video Package
5. Daniel Solwold-Caulfield (formerly Austin Aries) vs. Magnum TA
6. Cruiserweight Championship Ladder Match – Ultimo Dragon (Champion) vs. AKI Man (Rumoured to be Kushida…?) vs. Ilja Dragunov (With Jessie Ventura) vs. Brian Kendrick
7. Terry Funk vs. Shinsuke Nakamura*
*If Funk wins, Nakamura must release his theme song on Funk’s next album. If Nakamura wins, Funk must return to retirement.
8. Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig (With Picture Perfect Stacy Keibler) vs. Kevin Owens
9. Heavyweight Championship Match: Bruiser Brody (Champion, With Sherri Martel) vs. Shawn Michaels
Background:
Six Man Elimination Tag Match: Chad and Tad and Chaz (Formerly John Laurinaitis, Terry Taylor, Charlie Haas, With Spenny) vs. Negro Casas and Pat Patterson and Rusev (With Lana and Ken Raper)
Chad Lawrence and Tad Taylor, lost without their mistress from the previous year, found JackSlater Promotions too oppressive and began making plans for their post-wrestling careers. A lecture from Nice Guy Spenny, however, showed them the error of their ways. After meeting the likeminded Chaz Harris, the Wholesome Threesome set out to #cancel the regressive elements of JackSlater Promotions and make wrestling wholesome again. First the trio nearly crippled poor Ken Raper after the patriarchal Cowboy Bill Watts refused to put a trigger warning before the jobber’s matches. They then moved on to attacking Mexican legend Negro Casas after he refused to change his “problematic” name. The trio then decided that they “can’t even” with Rusev, as he was flaming Russo-phobic sentiments, or his manager Lana, who they claimed was appropriating Russian culture. Finally their sights turned on Pat Patterson, formerly very flamboyant but recently more of a brawler, as they felt that Patterson has denied his true background and thus encourages people to hide who they are – so very tone deaf in 2019. Casas, Rusev and Patterson, with Lana pushing wheelchair bound Ken Raper, have banded together and plan to squash their allegedly moralistic tormentors.
Watts’ Rule: The match will be fought under elimination rules until one team is entirely eliminated. Eliminated wrestlers must immediately go to the backstage area.
Drew “Macca” McIntyre (With Scott “The Flash” Norton) vs. Buddy Rose (With Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy)
Former tag team champions Drew McIntyre and Buddy Rose, the Hollywood Heartthrobs, had a successful run. A chance encounter with Stacy Keibler, in which she labelled McIntyre a sultry 9 and Rose a lowly 2, created a rift between the two that eventually culminated in McIntyre abandoning Rose during a title defence because he feared for the safety of his new purple lensed sunglasses and white straw cowboy hat. The formerly arrogant Rose, who long considered himself every girl’s dream, felt his confidence shatter.
McIntyre, on the other hand, accepted the praise and took on a new persona – Macca, a “man of peace” who wrestles for a higher power and is a self-proclaimed fighting champion despite not being a champion and often refusing to fight while his bodyguard, Scott “The Flash” Norton handles things. In between putting on a benefit wrestling show that lost money for “the third world” and endlessly promoting his single visit to the make a wish foundation, Macca has found the time to make sure that all of his matches are available online for fans to see and film a segment from his Scottish castle urging all of his fellow wrestlers to donate their PPV paychecks to the less fortunate wrestlers around the world. After an appearance on Baywatch a renewed Playboy Buddy Rose, now a slim, trim 273 pounds, has reached out to some old flames, Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, who will be on his arms as he struts to the ring at Summerfest XXX to put “Macca” in his place and show him that he really is number 2.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Tully Blanchard (Champion, With David Otunga) vs. KENTA
Long serving JackSlater Promotions’ intercontinental champion Tully Blanchard has clung to his title, much to the chagrin of president Bill Watts. Blanchard failed in his quest to have blows to the head banned, but has won, with the help of his Harvard educated lawyer David Otunga, the right to wear protective headgear during his matches. Blanchard has barely wrestled over the last year, having cited his alleged post-concussion syndrome, but president Watts has ordered that Blanchard face off against his most feared opponent yet – KENTA, innovator and master of the deadly Go To Sleep. After much negotiation it has been decided that while Blanchard’s title is on the line, should KENTA lose he will never be allowed to use the Go To Sleep again, lest he scramble the brains of any future opponent.
Tag Team Championship Gauntlet Match: The Holy Demon Army (Champions Toshiaki Kawada and Akira Taue) vs. The Upper Crust (Nick Bockwinkel and Damien Sandow) vs. Delta Iota Kappa (Kenny Dykstra and Jimmy Rave) vs. Furnas and LaFon (With Jesse Ventura) vs. Last Call Bounty Hunters (Steve Blackman and David Schultz)
Fierce tag team action as the tag team champions, The Holy Demon Army, attempt to run the gauntlet and retain their tag team titles. First up is The Upper Crust, erudite former world champion Nick Bockwinkel and the intellectual saviour of the unwashed masses, Damien Sandow. The challengers have sworn to not only elevate the tag titles but also elevate the level of discourse and pugilism in wrestling. Next up is the Delta Iota Kappas, known for playing acoustic versions of tunes like Wonderwall and Wagon Wheel on their way to the ring, who have their collars popped and plan to use their double spiked DDT to get what they want. Next, after much failed lobbying by Ventura for final spot in the gauntlet due to seniority, is Furnas and LaFon. Tired of being ignored in favour of inferior but more marketable tag teams, the pair has joined up with Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union in the hopes of job security and career progression. Finally is Last Call Bounty Hunters, put on the case by a president Watts who desperately wants the tag titles back in North America and also out of the hands of Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union. Schultz has sworn to beat the raggedy asses of whoever has the misfortune of keeping him and Blackman from their acquisition.
Watts’ Rule: Each match in the gauntlet has a time limit of 8 minutes, with a draw seeing the team that wrestled in the previous match, or in the case of the first match the champions, advance. Breaking up a pin or submission attempt even once results in the disqualification of the offending team.
Jose Lothario Memorial Video Package
Memorial video package for deceased wrestling legend and trainer Jose Lothario
Daniel Solwold-Caulfield (formerly Austin Aries) vs. Magnum TA
Austin Aries has returned to JackSlater Promotions after two years wrestling for promotions “you’ve never heard of”, while Magnum TA has spent the last year happily hittin the mats and bangin the rats while thrilling fans with his power, glorious blonde mullet, and steel wool chest hair. Declaring that he must be true to himself and live his best life, Aries has decided to go with his true name – Daniel Solwold-Caulfield. Discarding his too mainstream 450 splash in favour of obscure Japanese moves and adopting some lo-fi beats for his ring entrance, self styled non-conformist DSC seems to be a new man in his new faded pomp and Bandholz, skinny jeans, plaid shirts, and thick dark-rimmed glasses. Things between the two wrestlers became tense when DSC’s Prius “accidentally” scratched Magnum’s Southern rock blaring Harley in the parking lot outside May Day Massacre fan-fest. Earlier, a grill-manning Magnum had refused to discuss mustache maintenance or to cook DSC’s locally sourced beyond-meat burgers and knocked his thrift store charcuterie board to the ground. At the conclusion of the heated parking lot conversation, in which Magnum threatened to hit a man in lensless glasses and DSC suggested that a fascist Magnum drove a big Harley to compensate for certain shortcomings, DSC spit his organic microbrew into Magnum’s eyes, blinding the redneck brawler for several weeks. A match has now been set and the vibes in JackSlater Promotions may never be the same again.
Cruiserweight Championship Ladder Match – Ultimo Dragon (Champion) vs. AKI Man (Rumoured to be KUSHIDA) vs. Ilja Dragunov (With Jessie Ventura) vs. Brian Kendrick
Having defeated a holder of many titles in the former Austin Aries, Ultimo Dragon has combined his 15 titles into one. With such a prestigious title however have come many challengers. The mysterious and bold AKI Man, with his charismatic moveset and signature poses, has thrown his hat in the ring. The empty husk of Brian Kendrick, seemingly a dreary shell of his former self after his decimation at the hands of Bruiser Brody, has also trudged forward to challenge the Dragon. Ilja Dragunov, the new Soviet protégé of wrestling’s maverick Jesse Ventura, has also challenged for the title. Dragunov was the first to join Ventura’s Wrestler’s Union, or as Dragunov has called it collective. Ventura, who has fought Cowboy Bill Watts for rights such as free healthcare for the wrestlers, paid hotel rooms during travel, title shots to be granted based on seniority, and equal merchandise for all wrestlers, feels that once his Wrestler’s Union is filled with champions the rest of the boys will fall in line and take back the power that he, and by extension they, have deserved all along.
Watts’ Rule: A wrestler who spends 30 consecutive seconds outside of the ring, whether injured or just stalling, will be counted out of the match unless only two wrestlers remain.
Terry Funk vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
Middle aged wrestling legend Terry Funk has been retired for the past two years after his defeat at In Your House: Outlaw Hart. Always an eccentric, Funk decided to leave the wrestling world behind and release his first ever album: Terry Funk – Great Texan. Extremely low sales, even in Funk’s adopted home of Japan, left the Texan fuming mad and he decided to use his connections in the wrestling world to push his album. A signing at May Day Massacre fan-fest saw no fans show up, outside of vinyl carrying Daniel Solwald-Caulfield, but did see JackSlater Promotions’ own resident rockstar, Shinsuke Nakamura, chuckle at Funk and mock him in Japanese. The Funker responded by attacking Nakamura with a Japanese folding fan plus a cowbell and smashing a vinyl copy of his album over Nakamura’s head before providing him with a bloody autograph. He has continued to jealously attack Nakamura during his popular theme song, which has outsold Funk’s album around the world, even once putting Nakamura through a sturdy Japanese table. Nakamura has yet to successfully hold Funk off, as Funk notes that Nakamura has grown lazy and is no longer the King of Strong Style but rather the King of Wrong Style. A match has now been set which will see Funk and Nakamura face off in a sanctioned match, with Funk having to remain retired should he lose and Nakamura required to put his theme song on Funk’s next album should he lose.
Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig (With Picture Perfect Stacy Keibler) vs. Kevin Owens
Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig has a message for the world – he is proud to be perfect. Perfect has informed the fans that yes, even in 2019, it is good to be perfect. Hennig has noted that everywhere he goes he sees people proudly talking about their frailties, their anxieties, their physical and mental deficiencies. Dubbing it the “pity Olympics” and a shameless search for sympathy, Hennig has doubled down on proclaiming his own perfection as well as that of his Picture Perfect valet, Stacy Keibler. Kevin Owens, a changed man following his idol Shawn Michaels dishearteningly rejecting him as an ally several months ago, has taken issue with Perfect’s stance. Owens has declared that while everyone should strive to be their best, it is a sign of strength to admit weaknesses. Owens has cited his own physical imperfections to drive his point home, while continuing to succeed in the ring and thrash opponents on the mic. Mr. Perfect has rejected this premise and begun filming vignettes highlighting the flaws he perceives in both Owens and the current generation of fans – doing crunches to get the six pack Owens lacks, fixing his Ferrari that Owens couldn’t afford, but also mockingly showing fans how to make a phone call without anxiety, how to eat a grown up meal without crying about food sensitivities, how to purchase a house before turning 50. Growing more personal in his vignettes Perfect has even slid into Owens’ wife’s DMs to crudely show her “what a real man looks like”, shown Owens’ son how to throw a baseball properly, and even mowed Owens’ lawn at his Quebec home. Pushed to the breaking point, Owens slapped Perfect so hard that he flopped out of the ring and over the guard rail during a confrontation on weekly programming. A match has been set to decide who is better – the family man or the perfect man.
Heavyweight Championship Match: Bruiser Brody (Champion, With Sherri Martel) vs. Shawn Michaels
The Heartbreak Kid is broken. Shawn Michaels was on top of JackSlater Promotions nearly one year ago. World heavyweight champion and the best performer in the business. An idol to legions of fans, and he knew it. Once he ascended to the top of the wrestling world, Michaels began pushing away those who helped him. His former tag team partner was cast aside, falling on hard times and landing in far lesser known promotions. His trainer Jose Lothario was relegated carrying Tully Blanchard’s jacket to make ends meet. His former manager and rumoured love interest Sherri Martel was publicly embarrassed by Michaels and spurned at the Helloween PPV when he offered her a ticket out of town as a “trick” in response to the “treat” she offered. Things quickly began to turn for Michaels as a series of brutal challengers began showing up and attacking Michaels for seemingly no reason. Always confident in his abilities, Michaels accepted all challenges and dispatched each opponent, though the brutality of the matches took a toll. Former trainer Lothario reached out to Michaels to clean up his act and begin training again, but Michaels enjoyed his fast-paced lifestyle and found himself still unbeaten. Things changed at Christmas Crisis event when Sherri Martel returned with a special gift for Michaels. Michaels accepted and wrestling’s eloquent monster, Bruiser Brody, emerged. Claiming that avarice and victory had defeated Michaels and perverted his decadent reign, Brody proceeded to rather easily defeat the distracted and worn-down Michaels, culminating in a brutal backbreaker that created a sickening thud and left the showstopper unable to get up off the mat. Without his title and unable to wrestle, Michaels left wrestling and wallowed in a mire of drugs and bitterness. The death of his manager Jose Lothario, cause of death jokingly described by Sherri as a broken heart, as well as a failed attempt by protégé Brian Kendrick, easily brutalized by a mocking Brody, to avenge his broken back finally motivated Michaels to begin training again with renewed vigour and focus. President Bill Watts offered Michaels an automatic rematch, but Michaels declined and decided to earn his way back up to Brody. Michaels has now climbed the ladder and is determined to regain his title, his career, and his honour.
vs
Habsrule
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. Welcome to the Mecca of wrestling..... Wrestlemania. Coming to you from the Madison Square Gardens in New York City.
The commentators for tonight’s event are Bobby “The Brain” Hennan and Gorilla Monsoon.
The show starts off with the Cruiserweight champion Mustafa Ali defending his belt in a triple threat match against “Gentleman” Jack Gallagher and “Hurricane” Helms.
“The American Dream” Dusty
Rhodes was interrupted by “MJF” Maxwell Jacob Friedman after his last match.
“You may have won your last match but you are such a loser. I bet you that when you were in high school the cool kids, like me, tried to stuff you in a locker. The problem is that you couldn’t fit. I was flipping through the tv channels the other day and I was lucky enough to watch you. I was watching “My 600 Pound Life”. Ladies and gentlemen in case you have been living under a rock, you are looking at the youngest and the fastest rising star in professional wrestling today...Maxwell Jacob Friedman. And I would love to kick your fat ass any day The American Cream.”
Next we come to you from the “Broken” Matt Hardy compound. Entering the compound carrying his trusty guitar is the Honky Tonk Man. This is a falls count anywhere match taking the fight from the garage, to the shed, to the animal barn. The only way to win this match is to throw their opponent into the Lake of Reincarnation.
Coming back to you from the MSG we have King Kong Bundy versus Bob Backlund. Bundy has been beating all challengers and has been making the ref do a five count. Bob Backlund has challenged him to a match. Five count versus three count.
The Intercontinental Champion Johnny Morrison has his belt up for grabs in a high flying match against Jimmy “Super Fly” Snuka and Jushin “Thunder” Liger. This triple threat match takes flight from the start to finish.
The co main event has The New Day (Woods, Big E, Kingston) take on the Bullet Club(Anderson, Gallows, Styles). New Day are the Tag Team Champions.
Kofi was backstage and got blindsided by a Styles surprise attack. Big E and Woods come to Kofi’s rescue and Styles runs off. As they are standing over Kofi trying to get him up, Anderson and Gallows come in from behind and attack them. New Day challenge the Bullet Club to a fight but they want a fair fight. It is an elimination match. When one wrestler gets pinned they get eliminated from the match.
Excuse me we have to interrupt this broadcast to bring you back to the Matt Hardy Compound. Honky Tonk Man is emerging from the Lake of Reincarnation. Wait a minute... it is not Honky Tonk... it is.... Disco Inferno!?!?
The main event this evening brings you the Heavyweight Champion Randy “Macho Man” Savage against Vince McMahon in a Hell in a Cell match.
STEPH: Daddy I have something to tell you.... So you see when I was a teenager I had a relationship with someone that I never told you about.
VINCE: That’s OK honey. We all have that one that we hid from our parents. You were young. I understand. So was the young chaps name?
STEPH: Well he wasn’t exactly my age. He was a bit older than me..... He was Macho Man.
Vince: You son of a *****. Their is only one way to settle this. Hell in a cell. And if I beat you then YOU ARE FIRED!!!
Macho: OOOH YEAAAAH. She really likes her slim Jim’s.
