OT: The Player Haters' Thread

Discussion in 'Detroit Red Wings' started by jkutswings, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. jkutswings

    jkutswings WTB defense

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    Recently there have been some animated discussions about various players and prospects, with a lot of back and forth about how good a player is, or how good a prospect might end up being. And at times it's become a bit heated, with replies getting a little over the top, or even getting personal. And no matter how any of us feel about anything the Wings do or don't do, I think that when it reaches the level of personal comments, then nothing good can really come from that, and it's certainly no longer a civil discussion, let alone a productive dialogue.

    So I'd like to have a little fun with things, and provide a structured yet hopefully entertaining outlet for those who are less than enthusiastic about a given player or prospect. (Or those who just want to crack some jokes.)

    Introducing: The Player Haters' Thread.

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    This thread is dedicated to GOOD NATURED ribbing of former Red Wing players, current players, and current or former prospects. No cursing, no personal attacks on any fans, no flame wars or taunting. Just using humor to roast those that are (or were) in the Detroit system. But please, keep it fun, or the mods will probably shut things down in a hurry, and I'd rather not ruin would could be a very funny collection of jokes.

    I'll get things started:

    You know it's fitting that Tyler Bertuzzi is described as a hard nosed player. Because his nose is as hard to look at as the rest of his face. I mean really, if Mike Ricci and Bea Arthur had a love child, that baby would STILL be better looking than Tyler Bertuzzi. In fact, scientists had been excited to announce him as the missing link in evolution, but chimpanzees rioted in the streets, because they were so insulted. I mean, he does a great job on the ice, but some people look like they've been beaten with an ugly stick...and some look like they fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every last branch on the way down.

    Happy roasting!
     
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  2. Redder Winger

    Redder Winger Registered User

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    Disney is looking forward to the retirement of Henrik Zetterberg and Niklas Kronwall so they can finally reunite the cast of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
     
  3. HisNoodliness

    HisNoodliness LGRW

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    The first rule of Dan Cleary's hockey school is that those that cannot do, teach.
     
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  4. Nut Upstrom

    Nut Upstrom Registered User

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    Hey Chelly, I don't like your face. And your chili sucks - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey D-Mac, your liver called, no it didn't, it's in ICU - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey AA, your agent called, it's time to get into petulant, entitled child mode and it sounds like a drunk with dyslexia made up your name - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey Zetterberg, the smurf village called looking for their papa - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey Howard, your jock strap called, it's still hanging from the crossbar waiting to be picked up - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey Babcock, the eleven remaining white rhinos called and said you're a dick - BOOM! Roasted!
    Hey Holland, Helm and Abdelkader called to say thank you - BOOM! Roasted!

    More Michael Scott than Dave Chapelle, but this is fun.
     
  5. silkyjohnson50

    silkyjohnson50 Registered User

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    Well, well, well...
     
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  6. tsweeney

    tsweeney Registered User

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    Justin Abdelkader's guide to parenting and life.

    Tip 1 - Stand in front of your child's piss stream and re-direct it to the toilet. This can help with potty training.

    Tip 2 - Do not be afraid to strike your child in direct view of CPS. You must set an example for them to follow and that is to enforce physicality no matter who is watching.

    Tip 3 - Always punch above your weight class in everything. Dating, Employment, Conflicts. You can get more than you're worth if you have the confidence to go after it. Don't listen to the detractors.

    Tip 4 - Make yourself more of a financial burden on your employer to get rid of you than it would be to keep you.
     
  7. PelagicJoe

    PelagicJoe Registered User

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    I'll just steal a line from Chappelle about the whole team.
    "What can I say about the Wings that hasn't been said about Afghanistan. They look bombed out and depleted."
     
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  8. jkutswings

    jkutswings WTB defense

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    Darren Helm. Deadliest shot I've ever seen...in the sense that I could die of old age before he could hit the net. This guy loses the puck more than the Washington Generals lose to the Globetrotters. Saying he has hands of stone is like saying The Titanic had a bit of a mishap. I would sooner confuse The 40 Year Old Virgin with Wilt Chamberlain, than Darren Helm with a goal scorer. Better long term investments than Helm's contract include Enron stock and gas station sushi.
     
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  9. tsweeney

    tsweeney Registered User

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    No longer a Wing, but Petr Mrazek is that random cheese steak place you find in a city on a trip once and it's the most fabulous cheese steak you've ever had. Only you were baked out of your mind at the time. Whenever you go back to it, it's never as good. You eventually get completely tired of it, so you show it to a person from Philly and they tell you it's crap right away.
    ......
    Higher power reveal
    *Man in cloak prepares to remove hood
    Ken Holland: It's me, Wings fans! It was me, all along.
    Bench: Aw, sonava*****.
    Ken Holland: You all bought it! Hook, line, and sinker. Even my family, even my immediately family bought it! You were all made fools of.
    BinCookin: You're a fool, Bench!
    Ken Holland: It's not my fault. I didn't want to do it. Dan Cleary made me do it. Dan Cleary made me fool you!
     
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  10. TheMule93

    TheMule93 On a mule rides the swindler

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    I hate Tomas Tatar
    In Vegas i hate him from afar
    Every time he goes offsides
    A small part of me dies
    Without Pavel he is useless
    Though he has a good smile that isn't toothless
    Whether it be a chance from the slot
    Or a quick wrister from the dot
    He'd always shoot it wide
    And my screams of frustration would be heard worldwide
    His hands are so overrated
    Every deke was ill fated
    Tomash I am glad you have left
    What Holland got for you should be considered a theft
     
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  11. Konnan511

    Konnan511 Play Pals

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    He's like Helm, but with hands.
     
  12. TatarTangle

    TatarTangle Registered User

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    I've seen homeless people hustle harder than AA
     
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  13. jkutswings

    jkutswings WTB defense

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    Justin Abdelkader reminds me of man's best friend.

    His face is uglier than a bulldog, and when other players get a 1-2 year contract, he gets seven years.
     
  14. Lampedampe

    Lampedampe Registered User

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    Roasting Blashill would be considered a hate crime.
     
  15. TheMule93

    TheMule93 On a mule rides the swindler

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    i can tolerate abby as long as he doesnt grow out his disgusting neckbeard
     
  16. Perfect Human

    Perfect Human Registered User

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    It is fun to watch the Pens/Flyers series and see Sheahan, Filppula, and Mrazek playing. Every time that Val gets the puck or is on the screen I am so thankful that we didn't pay him 5+mil/year to stay on the team...
     
  17. Konnan511

    Konnan511 Play Pals

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    I disagree about Filppula. I always thought he was a real good player. He's going to probably finish his career with voer a 1,000 games and a .5 PPG player with similar numbers in the playoffs.

    Edit: To stay on topic because I forgot what thread I'm in. If I were to start casting people for a 90s boy band, Val Filppula would be my first choice.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2018
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  18. Redder Winger

    Redder Winger Registered User

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    Fil was fine covering old and busted Zetterberg and Datsyuk for Tampa.
    But Fil's a few years older and Crosby has decided that knocking pucks out of the air is the new way to score goals.
    What a nightmare it would be to shadow that guy.
     
  19. TCNorthstars

    TCNorthstars Registered User

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    Is Val bringing sexy back for you?
     
  20. tsweeney

    tsweeney Registered User

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    Val Filppula (the lead) , Tomas Jurco (the young looking one everyone likes), Anthony Mantha (the tough one?), Danny DeKeyser (the old one with greasy hair everyone thinks is weird), Teemu Pulkkinen (the bleach blonde one that turns out to be swishy)

    Wings back N*Sync.
     
  21. SoupNazi

    SoupNazi No Soup for You!!!

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    I just threw up in my mouth a little. :laugh:
     
  22. jkutswings

    jkutswings WTB defense

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    Like father, like son... :D

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